Saturday, March 22, 2014
I am actually beginning this post on Friday evening. I'm thankfully feeling much more relaxed than I was earlier when I first arrived at the YMCA. Sitting on a bus with a bunch of people constantly swearing and cackling has a way of rubbing my nerves raw. I need to find a more high technology way of coping with people who have potty mouth on the bus than what I currently do...which is plug earplugs into my ears. I need something delightful like soothing music to soften the edge on my nerves.
I went swimming this evening (among other activities). My enthusiasm was somewhat deflated when I discovered the punching bag I enjoy using here at the gym was itself deflated (or replaced?). Luckily the pool still exists. I swam sixteen laps and managed to calm myself down a bit. I can easily understand why I am feeling so anxious. I am working a temporary job and feeling extremely skeptical that it is going to lead me anywhere all that meaningful. I've done contract work many times before in my life and it has not typically led me into a permanent position that I enjoyed working. So naturally, in my most pessimistic moments, I hear the mental chatter of immense skepticism circling about in my brain.
Coming down from a spike in my anxiety I had renewed insight into the nature of anxiety. In one sense anxiety is indeed pain. When we are anxious we are not comfortable. Anxiety is a code word for discomfort, dread, edginess, nervousness, apprehension and the like. Anxiety simply doesn't feel good. And if it doesn't feel good then it must be either a neutral or unpleasant feeling. The longer I live without being immersed in a sea of unconscious anxiety the more I realize just how draining it was for me to be constantly anxious as a child. Experiencing such an amazing healing of my eyesight just convinces me that some of the stress I experienced literally affected that portion of my brain that rules eyesight. I haven't done much research on this correlation which I believe exists but I do want to do so in the near future. In the relatively near future I plan to write an entry that will focus on the history of EMDR. It's such an amazing technique. I don't think I will ever stop raving about it.
I also realized that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than usual due to my concern about my therapist and his sleeping disorder. I did not know of this aspect of his life when I first began working with him last summer. At least I am able to clearly recognize what the basis of my anxiety is. When I feel I am not being given good quality attention by someone it reminds me of how I felt much of the time growing up. I felt invisible so much of the time.
...
I just emerged from my visit with Fr. John Bauer of the Basilica of St. Mary. I met with him specifically to try to put the old haunting thoughts to rest regarding how 'good Catholics' like members of my paternal family of origin could not clearly identify the pathological behavior of my father. It's a question that has haunted me much of my life. I need to put this ghost to rest...and I think I am on my way to doing so. I'll write more about this topic soon.
I am actually beginning this post on Friday evening. I'm thankfully feeling much more relaxed than I was earlier when I first arrived at the YMCA. Sitting on a bus with a bunch of people constantly swearing and cackling has a way of rubbing my nerves raw. I need to find a more high technology way of coping with people who have potty mouth on the bus than what I currently do...which is plug earplugs into my ears. I need something delightful like soothing music to soften the edge on my nerves.
I went swimming this evening (among other activities). My enthusiasm was somewhat deflated when I discovered the punching bag I enjoy using here at the gym was itself deflated (or replaced?). Luckily the pool still exists. I swam sixteen laps and managed to calm myself down a bit. I can easily understand why I am feeling so anxious. I am working a temporary job and feeling extremely skeptical that it is going to lead me anywhere all that meaningful. I've done contract work many times before in my life and it has not typically led me into a permanent position that I enjoyed working. So naturally, in my most pessimistic moments, I hear the mental chatter of immense skepticism circling about in my brain.
Coming down from a spike in my anxiety I had renewed insight into the nature of anxiety. In one sense anxiety is indeed pain. When we are anxious we are not comfortable. Anxiety is a code word for discomfort, dread, edginess, nervousness, apprehension and the like. Anxiety simply doesn't feel good. And if it doesn't feel good then it must be either a neutral or unpleasant feeling. The longer I live without being immersed in a sea of unconscious anxiety the more I realize just how draining it was for me to be constantly anxious as a child. Experiencing such an amazing healing of my eyesight just convinces me that some of the stress I experienced literally affected that portion of my brain that rules eyesight. I haven't done much research on this correlation which I believe exists but I do want to do so in the near future. In the relatively near future I plan to write an entry that will focus on the history of EMDR. It's such an amazing technique. I don't think I will ever stop raving about it.
I also realized that my anxiety level has been a bit higher than usual due to my concern about my therapist and his sleeping disorder. I did not know of this aspect of his life when I first began working with him last summer. At least I am able to clearly recognize what the basis of my anxiety is. When I feel I am not being given good quality attention by someone it reminds me of how I felt much of the time growing up. I felt invisible so much of the time.
...
I just emerged from my visit with Fr. John Bauer of the Basilica of St. Mary. I met with him specifically to try to put the old haunting thoughts to rest regarding how 'good Catholics' like members of my paternal family of origin could not clearly identify the pathological behavior of my father. It's a question that has haunted me much of my life. I need to put this ghost to rest...and I think I am on my way to doing so. I'll write more about this topic soon.
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