Monday March 3, 2014
Yesterday was a difficult day due to the unexpected news of a friend being assaulted here in Minneapolis. Today has been a better day. I went with my friend Keith to Hennepin County Medical Center and visited my friend. Due to his condition and my respect for confidentiality I will not disclose his name here in this blog.
As far as assaults are concerned it could have been much worse. It appears he has no permanent injuries. He can't speak well because his jaw is wired shut. But I did find him alert and responsive...and given what he went through his mood seemed fairly good. And yet it can be difficult to tease out just how someone is ultimately doing so soon after such an incident. Such is the world of trauma and trauma recovery.
Going to a hospital environment to visit someone has a way of bringing back memories of experiences from my own life journey that were traumatic. I found myself having difficulty resisting the urge to put on my 'freelance PTSD recovery hat' and go into 'protector mode'. I learned how to be an unwitting caregiver while I was a kid. Resisting the temptation to do it now, as an adult and when I am not invited to do so, can be a bit overwhelming. Seeing people suffering in pain is not easy.
Some time between my departure from the hospital and my arrival at the Aliveness Project I found myself throttling back in my own memory to those moments from my own childhood that had such a profound impact on me. I wondered how my whole life might have been different if my father had been more proactive than I understand he ever was by seeking out counseling to deal with the impact of the assault on his own life that nearly ended his life. I wonder who he would be today if he had decided to take a different course of action. He chose the course he did. I felt it was unethical to choose as he did. I still feel the same way now. And that is the primary source of the breach in our relationship. I have no idea if we will ever reconcile our differences and be able to meet each other as two grown adult men. I fear what the rot of Fox 'News' is doing to his own brain. I've seen him watch it when I have made visits during the holidays in past years. I believe Fox 'News' is truly toxic to independent thought and rational discourse. But some people wish to live in a fantasyland because they cannot cope with the 'real' world.
My life is still plenty difficult at the moment. I need to maintain my focus on my own healing process first and foremost. There are days when I wonder if I will ever reach the 'Promised Land' of dreams I have long held for my own life. So much of what happened in February seemed to bring my ongoing recovery to a screeching halt...or at least a slow crawl. And as the days and weeks have passed and winter has not loosened its grip in any substantial way I have found myself feeling a weariness with the stasis and silence of the world outside my windows. When will spring arrive? When will the temperature reach freezing and then stay above freezing? When will the world thaw and new life emerge. I keep wondering. I keep waiting. I keep hoping. And I keep remaining faithful to my many healthy daily activities. One day flowers simply have to bloom here in the bitter winter landscape of Minnesota. In about twenty days the days will be as long as the nights.
Yesterday was a difficult day due to the unexpected news of a friend being assaulted here in Minneapolis. Today has been a better day. I went with my friend Keith to Hennepin County Medical Center and visited my friend. Due to his condition and my respect for confidentiality I will not disclose his name here in this blog.
As far as assaults are concerned it could have been much worse. It appears he has no permanent injuries. He can't speak well because his jaw is wired shut. But I did find him alert and responsive...and given what he went through his mood seemed fairly good. And yet it can be difficult to tease out just how someone is ultimately doing so soon after such an incident. Such is the world of trauma and trauma recovery.
Going to a hospital environment to visit someone has a way of bringing back memories of experiences from my own life journey that were traumatic. I found myself having difficulty resisting the urge to put on my 'freelance PTSD recovery hat' and go into 'protector mode'. I learned how to be an unwitting caregiver while I was a kid. Resisting the temptation to do it now, as an adult and when I am not invited to do so, can be a bit overwhelming. Seeing people suffering in pain is not easy.
Some time between my departure from the hospital and my arrival at the Aliveness Project I found myself throttling back in my own memory to those moments from my own childhood that had such a profound impact on me. I wondered how my whole life might have been different if my father had been more proactive than I understand he ever was by seeking out counseling to deal with the impact of the assault on his own life that nearly ended his life. I wonder who he would be today if he had decided to take a different course of action. He chose the course he did. I felt it was unethical to choose as he did. I still feel the same way now. And that is the primary source of the breach in our relationship. I have no idea if we will ever reconcile our differences and be able to meet each other as two grown adult men. I fear what the rot of Fox 'News' is doing to his own brain. I've seen him watch it when I have made visits during the holidays in past years. I believe Fox 'News' is truly toxic to independent thought and rational discourse. But some people wish to live in a fantasyland because they cannot cope with the 'real' world.
My life is still plenty difficult at the moment. I need to maintain my focus on my own healing process first and foremost. There are days when I wonder if I will ever reach the 'Promised Land' of dreams I have long held for my own life. So much of what happened in February seemed to bring my ongoing recovery to a screeching halt...or at least a slow crawl. And as the days and weeks have passed and winter has not loosened its grip in any substantial way I have found myself feeling a weariness with the stasis and silence of the world outside my windows. When will spring arrive? When will the temperature reach freezing and then stay above freezing? When will the world thaw and new life emerge. I keep wondering. I keep waiting. I keep hoping. And I keep remaining faithful to my many healthy daily activities. One day flowers simply have to bloom here in the bitter winter landscape of Minnesota. In about twenty days the days will be as long as the nights.
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