Giving Up Bitterness For Lent

Thursday, March 6, 2014


It's clear that I am at a crossroads in my life. I've become quite healthy compared to any other time in my life. Yes, there remains more work I can do on myself...and I intend to do it. And I will do it regardless of whether I will get moral support from others. A major piece of work I have done for myself was healing the impact of past trauma on my brain. Now I am addressing another aspect of the legacy of that trauma. I am looking to move beyond my bitterness.

I spoke to my therapist yesterday about the bitterness I have carried within me. I have learned so much in therapy since last June. One tidbit among many pieces of insight that I think is rather important to never forget is my insight regarding the nature of our feelings. What we feel often cannot be compartmentalized in any truly healthy way. In addition, the variety of feelings we might have about an issue or our lives are interconnected. One emotional state can feed other simultaneously existing feelings. Bitterness is not grief. Grief is not anger. Anger is not fear. Fear is not disgust. But these different 'feeling states' inform one another. Bitterness can arise when we don't address our grief in a conscious way. Unattended grief can transform into an anger that might seem inexplicable from the outside looking in. And anger can also be an expression of unresolved trauma that itself may be a result of having your legitimate fears never be recognized by other people who are close to you. As I have said before in this blog...everything is interconnected.

In my mind bitterness is often deeply connected to protracted experiences of injustice, harm or neglect.  I'd like to think that children cannot actually experience bitterness but that would perhaps be naive. With a sufficiently traumatic history I think it possible for children who are of teenage age to become bitter. Bitterness is something that develops when you don't give heed to the Department of Unmet Needs.

My therapist used the term 'Department of Unmet Needs' in our session yesterday. It was an apt metaphorical flourish to help me to concentrate my mind around this aspect of my life. I would be lying if I didn't feel bitter in the past. I have felt such a painful heaviness in my heart. And I am doing my best to not feel this way in the present moment. Why now? Here is one reason:

Today I learned that the Artistic Director of the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus 'silently de-friended' me on Facebook after I wrote to him in reply to an invitation he extended to me via Facebook. The content of my reply follows below:

Hi Ben,

I recently received a Facebook invitation for a TCGMC event later this month. While I appreciate the gesture of this invitation I kindly ask that you not send me invitations to TCGMC in the future. The only way I would be willing to attend a TCGMC function is for me to attain some healthy closure regarding the harassment I experienced last year that directly resulted from my decision to express my reservations about Ben Pollack at the June, 2013 annual meeting of TCGMC. Despite my meeting with the Executive Committee in December, 2013 I am not convinced my concerns regarding member conduct were taken seriously.

Given what unfolded in the months thereafter I have wondered if my unjustified eviction from the home of David Anderson (a current singing member who also holds a position within the Chorus administration) was motivated in part by a desire to punish me for my decision to choose the route of being what I would call a ‘responsible adult’ by speaking as I did at the TCGMC annual meeting. This suspicion might sound paranoid but I have lived long enough to see and be affected by some of the worst of human behavior. And gay people have, in my opinion, no moral high ground when it comes to this issue. It still sometimes amazes and saddens me when I see how petty and malicious gay people can behave considering our common experience of dealing with homophobia and societal oppression. Consider what is unfolding in Uganda as an example of the worst that people still perpetrate against gay people. When people do not call out such behavior as inappropriate, uncivil and even illegal I believe it can be interpreted as condoning such bad behavior. I believe TCGMC could do much better in regards to the issue of member conduct.

The eviction I experienced late last year complicates my rental history and thereby makes it potentially more difficult for me to enjoy stable housing here in the Twin Cities. It also hindered my ability to continue to recover from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don’t know that David Anderson thought at all about the full implications of his decision to evict me, especially considering he knew of my diagnosis. I chose to resign from TCGMC because I do not wish to be a part of any organization in which those in leadership behave in such an unethical way.

As the Artistic Director of TCGMC you have a special role to play in setting a tone of mutual respect within the membership of the organization. I do not know what tangible actions you have taken since you joined TCGMC in 2012 in regards to this aspect of the organization’s functioning. Perhaps you have done a lot. I do not know. I believe addressing the issues I have brought up in this message would fall within your purview.

I encourage you to read my resignation letter which I have attached to this message. I do not know if you ever saw it. And please consider this story I share with you now:

I have a friend who once sang in the San Francisco Gay Men’s Chorus. I first met him when I was a singing member of that chorus. He is a quality person who contributed to SFGMC. Some time after I no longer lived in the Bay Area he was forced out of the organization. Rather than address the conduct of other active members of the organization who had harassed and even threatened him the organization’s leadership forced him out. I cannot easily think of a better example of unethical, unkind and destructive behavior within an organization that ideally exists to build community through music.

I encourage you to reflect on what I have shared in regards to my own experience. Perhaps a healthier resolution can be found than what has unfolded thus far.

Sincerely,

XXXXX

I never expected the Artistic Director to 'be all things to all people.' But I did have an expectation that he could actually be professional and extend some reply to me. But instead I received not only no reply but the infamous 'silent de-friend'. I have never been able to respect people who cannot show up for a less than easy conversation. It seems to be rampant here in Minnesota. It's part of the "Minnesota Nice" culture apparently. I find it quite displeasing...and I am being kind by writing 'displeasing'. It always amazes me when grown adults seem to be completely incapable of showing up for difficult conversations. How do these people even get into the roles of leadership they find themselves in? It is difficult for me to imagine.

I have enough self-awareness to know why such deafening silence irritates me. It's been a common experience in my life. When people do not know what to say they may say nothing. Or when people have a personal grudge against you they may express it by freezing you out and remaining silent. I've been on both the giving and receiving end of the cold shoulder. It's not fun. But it's clear that my own bitterness will most likely harm me the most. I have to find a way to get past it...for the sake of my own peace of mind. And thus I decided to 'give up' (to the best of my ability) bitterness for Lent. This will be an interesting journey!