The Time of Vanishing Light

Monday, September 15, 2014

It is clear the great wheel of change is turning.  The mornings are no longer bright and balmy.  This morning was cloudy.  A chill rain was falling as I made my way to work.  The clouds scattered out by late morning but the sun doesn’t do much to warm the world as it did back in June and July.  I have already noticed a few trees beginning to feature leaves which are changing colors.

As I have noted numerous times in my blog I have a newfound fascination with and appreciation of my eyesight.  I want my future professional work to incorporate the healing and inspiring value of beauty.  Beauty is perhaps one of the most difficult elements of the human experience to describe let alone quantify.  How do you know what beauty is?  Beauty, it is said, is in the eye of the beholder.  I am so enchanted by the beauty I see in the world each day that it seems I have recaptured some important element of what a healthy, secure child will experience.  I experience that gift known as wonder.  I experienced it again this afternoon while eating my lunch.  I looked at my broccoli and marveled at the intricate design of each piece.

It is apparent that the time has come for me to take note of what I eat in a different way as well.  Bloodwork taken last Friday revealed my cholesterol level had climbed still six more points since a lipid panel was last done in June.  My cholesterol count is now some fifty-two points higher than the value noted in June, 2013.  Though I am in no imminent danger from the risks associated with high cholesterol (because my count is still not yet that high and it hasn’t been high for very long) I am determined to be proactive and make changes now while it is still relatively easy to do so.

My birthday weekend did not unfold quite as I was planning.  Besides the unexpected continued increase in my cholesterol (which I learned about yesterday on my birthday itself) I also learned some of the darker circumstances a friend had endured earlier this year.  I still have not met Mark in person.  I am not sure if that will actually happen.  We met online over a year ago during that eventful year of personal change which was my version of 2013.  We considered one another ‘online boyfriends’.  The stressful (but necessary) changes in my own life as well as his focus on his education prompted me to eventually take a step back and choose to be platonic friends only. 

I learned yesterday that Mark was in a coma for a large portion of the summer.  The precursor to his coma was a case of pneumonia.  He doesn’t even remember much of the summer apparently.  Hearing these details was painful to take in.  He was fortunate to have his parents to be there for him.  In some strange way his summer of 2014 was a bit like my summer of 2013.  Hearing Mark share his recent ordeal yesterday was particularly unnerving because I found my own thoughts drifting back to what I went through last year…and how the most significant people within my paternal family of origin did not make themselves available in a deep way.  People who grow up in loving families in which their parents remain married and committed to each other in a long lasting loving relationship are quite fortunate.  Many do not enjoy that blessing.  And this brings me to my next point.

My birthday yesterday reminded me how necessary it is for me to finish my therapeutic work so I can enjoy a fulfilling life as I have long yearned to do.  I finally made a commitment to no longer go to dry wells in the hope of finding water.  To speak without metaphorical flourish I mean to say I plan to consciously seek out healthy relationships in this new year of life which began for me yesterday.

And so here is but one of a number of intentions I hold for myself for this new year of my own life:

I desire and intend to create, cultivate and sustain mutually rewarding, life-enhancing relationships grounded in a spirit of conscious co-creativity, playfulness, curiosity and enthusiasm.

This goal may sound like the equivalent of ordering a five course meal in the most expensive restaurant in town.  And yet despite my past history of many less than satisfying relationships I do firmly believe it is possible to change the future direction of my life.

I am open to the Love that the Universe has to share with me!