Thursday, September 25, 2014
This was the mantra I whispered to myself this past Tuesday as I made my way to my dietician appointment: "One bite at a time, one breath at a time, one day at a time"
Every so often I find myself needing to remind myself to pace myself. I try to pay attention to what happens around me throughout the day. And by that I mean I attempt to pay attention to the environment beyond my immediate sphere of influence and concern. Why? I do so because I believe little clues applicable to how I would be wise to be living my life can come to me at both expected and unexpected times. If I keep hearing the same theme in conversations among complete strangers sitting close to me on the bus or in other places I tend to perk up and ponder whether that theme might be important for me to ponder. Some might imagine I should mind my own business. I am inclined to take a broader perspective on such a phenomenon. I believe it's rarely a wrong practice to be dedicated to paying attention.
Yesterday provided me an excellent opportunity to consciously practice paying attention. At one point I felt I could have easily descended into a state of genuine panic. As I walked across the campus of Abbott Northwestern Hospital I repeatedly said to myself 'just breathe'. I attempted to calm myself with this mantra shortly after I made a mistake during the course of my workday. The mistake could have ballooned into something bigger had I not been mindful and managed the issue appropriately. For a short while I felt very upset. A very brief conversation I had with my boss regarding the issue initially left me feeling no more assured that my error wouldn't somehow grow into a bigger problem later.
Nothing in my supervisor's response actually pushed me to the brink of such deep upset. Instead the mistake and subsequent emotional response I had led me to take a step back and ponder what was really going on. In taking a step back I recalled a predominant theme of my life growing up. As a kid I lived in a persistent state of low-grade anxiety due to the trauma I experienced very early in my life. I often felt I was inappropriately and excessively disciplined on a number of occasions. Unkind words and gestures were used on too many occasions when kind words and gestures would have sufficed. It became easy for me to feel inclined to hide. That inclination to hide (as a means of coping) came back to me yesterday. I felt a desire to hide...as a fully grown man.
I have learned an extraordinary amount these last fifteen months. I have learned how the trauma of my early life history had still not properly healed despite the past treatment I sought out years ago. I have learned the incredible importance of patience. And I have learned more and more to saturate my own life with the compassion and kindness I did not receive often enough when I was a child. I have learned to enhance my self-care skills. I have also developed a greater mindfulness such that I am less reactive than I once was. This practice of mindfulness was vital to me yesterday.
If anything good came of what happened yesterday it was the insight I had, yet again, about how emotionally impoverished and impoverishing my developmental years often were. There were bright moments but they were too often punctuated by long periods in which I felt lonely and isolated. I didn't feel I really had an understanding person I could go to with my sadness, fear or tears because I really didn't have anyone. I didn't have a stable, consistent and present mother throughout my earliest years. I always had the same father but he often wasn't emotionally healthy and, from what I can tell, he never really changed.
As I noted in my blog this past summer I nearly lost both of my parents by the age of nine! It's not wise to underestimate the significant impact that such early life trauma had on me. I am such a very different person as compared to who I was a year ago. I long ago moved beyond crisis management and the related primary focus on stabilizing my life that defined much of the second half of 2013. Earlier this calendar year I entered a significant phase I suspect will last much longer. I entered the phase of consciously building a new, enjoyable life for myself.
When you feel stressed it always helps to consciously focus on breathing.
This was the mantra I whispered to myself this past Tuesday as I made my way to my dietician appointment: "One bite at a time, one breath at a time, one day at a time"
Every so often I find myself needing to remind myself to pace myself. I try to pay attention to what happens around me throughout the day. And by that I mean I attempt to pay attention to the environment beyond my immediate sphere of influence and concern. Why? I do so because I believe little clues applicable to how I would be wise to be living my life can come to me at both expected and unexpected times. If I keep hearing the same theme in conversations among complete strangers sitting close to me on the bus or in other places I tend to perk up and ponder whether that theme might be important for me to ponder. Some might imagine I should mind my own business. I am inclined to take a broader perspective on such a phenomenon. I believe it's rarely a wrong practice to be dedicated to paying attention.
Yesterday provided me an excellent opportunity to consciously practice paying attention. At one point I felt I could have easily descended into a state of genuine panic. As I walked across the campus of Abbott Northwestern Hospital I repeatedly said to myself 'just breathe'. I attempted to calm myself with this mantra shortly after I made a mistake during the course of my workday. The mistake could have ballooned into something bigger had I not been mindful and managed the issue appropriately. For a short while I felt very upset. A very brief conversation I had with my boss regarding the issue initially left me feeling no more assured that my error wouldn't somehow grow into a bigger problem later.
Nothing in my supervisor's response actually pushed me to the brink of such deep upset. Instead the mistake and subsequent emotional response I had led me to take a step back and ponder what was really going on. In taking a step back I recalled a predominant theme of my life growing up. As a kid I lived in a persistent state of low-grade anxiety due to the trauma I experienced very early in my life. I often felt I was inappropriately and excessively disciplined on a number of occasions. Unkind words and gestures were used on too many occasions when kind words and gestures would have sufficed. It became easy for me to feel inclined to hide. That inclination to hide (as a means of coping) came back to me yesterday. I felt a desire to hide...as a fully grown man.
I have learned an extraordinary amount these last fifteen months. I have learned how the trauma of my early life history had still not properly healed despite the past treatment I sought out years ago. I have learned the incredible importance of patience. And I have learned more and more to saturate my own life with the compassion and kindness I did not receive often enough when I was a child. I have learned to enhance my self-care skills. I have also developed a greater mindfulness such that I am less reactive than I once was. This practice of mindfulness was vital to me yesterday.
If anything good came of what happened yesterday it was the insight I had, yet again, about how emotionally impoverished and impoverishing my developmental years often were. There were bright moments but they were too often punctuated by long periods in which I felt lonely and isolated. I didn't feel I really had an understanding person I could go to with my sadness, fear or tears because I really didn't have anyone. I didn't have a stable, consistent and present mother throughout my earliest years. I always had the same father but he often wasn't emotionally healthy and, from what I can tell, he never really changed.
As I noted in my blog this past summer I nearly lost both of my parents by the age of nine! It's not wise to underestimate the significant impact that such early life trauma had on me. I am such a very different person as compared to who I was a year ago. I long ago moved beyond crisis management and the related primary focus on stabilizing my life that defined much of the second half of 2013. Earlier this calendar year I entered a significant phase I suspect will last much longer. I entered the phase of consciously building a new, enjoyable life for myself.
When you feel stressed it always helps to consciously focus on breathing.
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