Tuesday, September 30, 2014
"When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully."
- Samuel Johnson, Comment on September 19, 1777 about the execution of Dr. William Dodd
"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted to do. Do it NOW."
- Paulo Coelho
What would you do if it was your last night alive on planet Earth? One day this will in fact be true. And unlike the other side of life when doctors can offer a forecasted due date for a baby soon to come into the world with some degree of accuracy it is the moment that marks the end of our lives that can prove elusive...much like a fog enshrouded landscape at the time of dusk. And yet the prospect of death can, as noted above, help a person to wonderfully concentrate his thoughts. Indeed, if you knew for a fact that you had a terminal illness and you also knew for a fact that your illness would take you in three months' time you would quite possibly radically change your way of living those last ninety days.
Getting trapped in the ever present now with no sense of the reality that our lives will one day end can be painful. I sense it isn't unusual for people to get trapped in the illusion that we will all have plenty of time to do all the things we wish to do in life. It can thus be especially painful when tragedy strikes and cuts off apparent access to the dreams of our future lives. When long hoped for dreams we have labored deeply and faithfully to achieve nonetheless do not come to fruition it's quite possible to descend into a deep grief whose power is so immense as to feel suffocating. When dreams we have long held no longer seem achievable the disappointment and sadness of releasing them can feel positively crushing.
Throughout the first few months of my active journey to recovery in 2013 I felt consumed with such a hodgepodge of feelings. My initial foray into the realm of making writing a daily discipline was thus designed more to help me to cope than to inspire anyone else. I felt immense confusion. I didn't know how long it might take me to recover fully from the legacy of my early life history. And my therapist could not give me a decisive answer either. Notice that I stated 'could not' rather than 'would not'. My therapist is a kind man; I have no doubt he would have willingly offered an educated guess-answer to my question if 1) he felt it was possible and 2) he felt it was an ethical and responsible way for him to proceed in working with me. Fifteen months have passed. And I still find myself asking some of the same questions: When will I be fully healed? When will the influence of my earliest life history finally not have such an impact on me? When....? And I still do not really know. I can say I am much happier, much healthier and much more confident that my future life will be a good one.
It still hasn't even been one full calendar year of time since I was determined to be sub-clinical for PTSD. The determination that I was no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD was made in January, 2014. As of today that was only nine months ago. This is thus only my first autumn living without the trauma of my early life history still impacting me in a significant way. The holidays this year will be my first round of holidays with my new take on the world! Rome wasn't built in a day. And people do not overcome significant trauma histories in a single day either. Change takes time.
I have been deeply aware of my own mortality since I began another (and I truly hope the last big one) foray into the realm of conscious personal healing work. When I returned to work earlier this calendar year I decided that if I was ever to work again I would only be willing to do something I truly wanted to do. Ideally I would like to utilize a variety of the skills I currently have in my future work. I most enjoy applying the following skills: research, community engagement, outdoor wilderness travel, cultural and environmental conservation projects, education and the visual and creative arts.
I have been open to achieving my long term goals by taking any number of paths in the short term. And yet recent events convince me that it would be wise to be a bit more discerning than I have previously been. You might call it being choosy or picky. I simply want to minimize as much as possible the risk of wasting precious time. After all, one day I will wake up and it will be my last day alive on Earth. A day will come when I see my last sunrise. I want to enjoy the life that still extends before me.
If you knew you had only a month, three months, six months or even a full year left to live how would you choose to live? What would you make a priority?
Post Script
Fifty Day Challenge, Day #5
My healthy activities for today:
"When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully."
- Samuel Johnson, Comment on September 19, 1777 about the execution of Dr. William Dodd
"One day you will wake up and there won't be any more time to do the things you've always wanted to do. Do it NOW."
- Paulo Coelho
What would you do if it was your last night alive on planet Earth? One day this will in fact be true. And unlike the other side of life when doctors can offer a forecasted due date for a baby soon to come into the world with some degree of accuracy it is the moment that marks the end of our lives that can prove elusive...much like a fog enshrouded landscape at the time of dusk. And yet the prospect of death can, as noted above, help a person to wonderfully concentrate his thoughts. Indeed, if you knew for a fact that you had a terminal illness and you also knew for a fact that your illness would take you in three months' time you would quite possibly radically change your way of living those last ninety days.
Getting trapped in the ever present now with no sense of the reality that our lives will one day end can be painful. I sense it isn't unusual for people to get trapped in the illusion that we will all have plenty of time to do all the things we wish to do in life. It can thus be especially painful when tragedy strikes and cuts off apparent access to the dreams of our future lives. When long hoped for dreams we have labored deeply and faithfully to achieve nonetheless do not come to fruition it's quite possible to descend into a deep grief whose power is so immense as to feel suffocating. When dreams we have long held no longer seem achievable the disappointment and sadness of releasing them can feel positively crushing.
Throughout the first few months of my active journey to recovery in 2013 I felt consumed with such a hodgepodge of feelings. My initial foray into the realm of making writing a daily discipline was thus designed more to help me to cope than to inspire anyone else. I felt immense confusion. I didn't know how long it might take me to recover fully from the legacy of my early life history. And my therapist could not give me a decisive answer either. Notice that I stated 'could not' rather than 'would not'. My therapist is a kind man; I have no doubt he would have willingly offered an educated guess-answer to my question if 1) he felt it was possible and 2) he felt it was an ethical and responsible way for him to proceed in working with me. Fifteen months have passed. And I still find myself asking some of the same questions: When will I be fully healed? When will the influence of my earliest life history finally not have such an impact on me? When....? And I still do not really know. I can say I am much happier, much healthier and much more confident that my future life will be a good one.
It still hasn't even been one full calendar year of time since I was determined to be sub-clinical for PTSD. The determination that I was no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD was made in January, 2014. As of today that was only nine months ago. This is thus only my first autumn living without the trauma of my early life history still impacting me in a significant way. The holidays this year will be my first round of holidays with my new take on the world! Rome wasn't built in a day. And people do not overcome significant trauma histories in a single day either. Change takes time.
I have been deeply aware of my own mortality since I began another (and I truly hope the last big one) foray into the realm of conscious personal healing work. When I returned to work earlier this calendar year I decided that if I was ever to work again I would only be willing to do something I truly wanted to do. Ideally I would like to utilize a variety of the skills I currently have in my future work. I most enjoy applying the following skills: research, community engagement, outdoor wilderness travel, cultural and environmental conservation projects, education and the visual and creative arts.
I have been open to achieving my long term goals by taking any number of paths in the short term. And yet recent events convince me that it would be wise to be a bit more discerning than I have previously been. You might call it being choosy or picky. I simply want to minimize as much as possible the risk of wasting precious time. After all, one day I will wake up and it will be my last day alive on Earth. A day will come when I see my last sunrise. I want to enjoy the life that still extends before me.
If you knew you had only a month, three months, six months or even a full year left to live how would you choose to live? What would you make a priority?
Post Script
Fifty Day Challenge, Day #5
My healthy activities for today:
- I am cultivating space and conscious awareness in my interactions with others
- I pay attention to any discomfort I may experience; I allow my breath to both energize and relax me
- I cultivate optimism
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