Emerging From A Shadow

Monday, September 8, 2014

At this time of year marked by the lengthening of shadows and the fading of summer’s beauty I feel reminded about shadows and darkness not just because of what is unfolding in the world outside but also because of what is unfolding in my interior life.  I feel as if I am finally beginning to emerge from the shadowy world of trauma distorted thinking and feeling.  I am emerging from the shadow of my own father.

I had a friend once upon a time whom I thought would be one of those loyal friends who would always be a part of my life in some form.  I suppose he simply couldn’t endure being around me when I was going through the immense difficulties of last year.  I haven’t heard from him in many months now.  I am thinking of him now because I recall him once expressing empathy for my father.  I suppose he thought I was being a bit harsh with my father despite the fact that he knew a fair bit about my early life history.  And maybe I was.  But this former-friend didn’t know the full story of my experience growing up.  But then again how could he?  He wasn’t living inside my skin so he couldn’t know the full story.  I felt disappointed when he vanished from my life.

I try to be a compassionate man as much as I can be.  Given what I endured growing up I believe I have turned out fairly well.  And yet some who have read from my blog frequently throughout the time I have been diligently writing may have come to a conclusion similar to that arrived at by my former-friend.  Perhaps others would feel equally convinced that I have been unfairly demonizing my father in the way I have described him in this venue.  Just as I try to be a compassionate person I also try my best to not pass judgment on people and situations I have little knowledge or understanding of.  People can be incredibly complex creatures…especially when they have lived ‘storied’ lives.  There are often shades of gray and subtle nuance to many situations.

Despite the reality of nuance and complex human lives I feel I made a healthy choice for myself by deciding to inform my father I do not want anything from him in honor of my birthday or Christmas this year.  Actually I would like something from my father but the something I desire seems to be a something I will never receive.  I would like him to take real responsibility for his numerous choices that adversely affected me when I was a kid.  I would like him to be much more open-hearted and open-minded than he has often been.  In short, I would like him to be a person different from the one he is.  I have come to believe that this is highly unlikely to ever happen.  And so over the last year, in fits and starts, I have been gradually coming to realize I need to let go.  And then I have been doing the difficult work of actually letting go.  And as I let go I feel as if I am emerging from an immense shadow.  I finally am becoming my own man.

It’s been a real journey to get here.

I was reminded of the deep hunger I have carried for a life filled with healthy, masculine energy yet again this past weekend.  I attended a creative writing course this past weekend.  And yet again, as happens painfully often, I found myself asking myself the question: ‘Where are all the men?’  Indeed, I have been asking this question for over a decade.  I have the impression that women in this American culture are now more apt to be seeking out opportunities for personal growth and transformation as compared to American men.  Somewhere in the last few decades a bit of a role reversal took place.  As a percentage of their occurrence in the general population women are now much more representative of their ‘at-large’ population in colleges across the country.  Women seem to be moving forward while something has gone wrong with men.  There are obviously many individual persons living out their lives in this nation whose daily experience defies this generalization.  There are still many, many powerful, wealthy and educated men and far too many women who are poor, uneducated, under and unemployed and marginalized.  But something is changing.  The winds of change have been blowing for a while now.

As for the winds of change in my own life I feel a bit disoriented even now.  Over a year has passed since I plunged back into therapy.  I have finally established some healthy, firm boundaries with my paternal family of origin.  It seems I may quite possibly never see many of them again.  And it seems this may transpire directly as a result of my insistence that my concerns and old wounds be finally addressed…or else.  I have essentially made it clear that I do not wish to be a part of a family that will not take my concerns, wounds and unresolved darkness seriously.  I do not want birthday cards and Christmas cards full of proclamations of love to reach me when the same people sending them will not truly listen to me about matters that had long burdened my heart and mind.  I want depth, substance and open hearts. 

That tide of grief inside me is a bit high today as a result of what I remind myself was indeed a healthy choice.  And yet healthy change isn’t always easy.  Sometimes a healthy choice looks exactly like what I have done, namely walking away from a family that will not truly and deeply listen.  Personal growth is sometimes a painful process.

Today I am doing my best to breathe and remind myself that this too shall pass.