Permanent Improvement

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

I recently have appreciated the fact that one possible indicator of carrying ‘complex PTSD’ no longer holds true for me.

I wrote about complex PTSD earlier this summer.  I was introduced to this ‘variant’ of PTSD after seeking out a second opinion to discuss the diagnosis I received last year as well as my prognosis.  I have referenced the work of Judith Herman of Harvard University here in this blog.  Earlier this summer I mentioned six markers that may be present in someone with ‘complex PTSD’.  One of the potential markers may be reflected in a person’s self perception.  A person with complex PTSD may have a variety of feelings including helplessness, shame, guilt and a sense of being completely different from other human beings (my emphasis).

I had some persistent feelings of being completely different from others when I was a teenager attending high school.  By the time I was an adolescent the burden of trauma that had unfolded in my earliest years of life had already distinctly distorted my self-perception.  I didn’t feel as if I were evil, bad or fundamentally wrong.  But I did feel quite alienated.  And it didn’t help that I didn’t feel that I was given sufficient attention at home.  I grew up prematurely.  Now, years later, I am addressing the residue of this premature introduction to adulthood.  I am now deeply appreciating how much of my boyhood was truncated by what I experienced.  I acted like an adult in my childhood.  Now I wish to rediscover the boy I was who didn’t feel safe in his own home most of the time he was living at home.

I think it’s only natural, to a degree, that we all want to feel that we are special and thus stand out from a crowd of people.  Standing out is one way we can ultimately improve our odds of being selected for something we yearn for.  Standing out is how we might improve our chance of finding someone lovely to partner up with.  It’s when we begin to firmly believe we stand out in a negative way that we may conclude something inside our psyches has gone awry.

The combination of therapy, shamanic journey work, blogging, befriending of others, reading and the experience of the most mundane aspects of daily living has succeeded in gradually eliminating the distorted self-perception I once carried around.  There were moments in which I wondered if I would ever manage to feel as if I truly belonged to the human race.  Now I finally do.  I do not find myself getting trapped in distorted thinking as much as I once did.  There are moments when it still happens but I find myself more able to pull back and not get lost in dark thinking.

……

As I returned to the Twin Cities yesterday I found myself reflecting on how the changing of the seasons is upon us once again.  The light changes in September; the days shorten and the strength of the sunlight wanes day after day.  I am much stronger as compared to this time last year.  I am grateful for how much progress I have made.

Beginning this evening I will be taking a Tuesday night German class at the Germanic American Institute in St. Paul.  I look forward to having the opportunity to practice my second language.