What Could Have Been

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The grief I am currently working through has many facets.  Thus like a children’s Christmas gift that is marked with the dreaded phrase ‘Some Assembly Required’ it takes a special finesse and mindfulness to deal with the varied factors that contributed to my grief.  Grief can be a complex puzzle.  Pulling apart the strands that contributed to my grief in the distant past, the recent past and the present is not a task for the uninitiated, lazy or apathetic.  It takes very real effort to attend to grief.  But the alternative to attending to it, namely avoiding it, can have serious and lifelong consequences.  I would rather deal with my issues now rather than avoid them.

As I continue to marvel at my ‘new and improved’ eyesight as well as my capacity to be radically present in the moment I can’t help but feel a sadness borne of wondering just how different (and better) my life could have been had the impacts of my experience of trauma early in life been dealt with at the time or shortly thereafter.  All the talk therapy in the world didn’t seem to do much as compared with some sessions featuring EMDR therapy as well as the shamanic journey work I did with a local practitioner.

I have enough intelligence and life experience to know it will not prove beneficial to me in the long term to dwell too much on what could have been.  Eventually the past must be put in its place…namely the past.  Living in the past or in some future filled with anxiety and fear is not really living at all.  I would call that existing…something people on life support who are unconscious of their surroundings would do.  Life is meant to be lived, not tolerated, managed, hidden from or feared.

And yet even though I know it wise not to dwell on past hurts too much it is difficult not to wonder just what type of person I could have been if my past trauma had been dealt with when I was still a child.  Perhaps I would have earned a 4.0 in my undergraduate studies and immediately entered into graduate school.  Perhaps I would be financially secure by this point in my life.  Perhaps I would have a stable, longstanding circle of friends I could count on to be there for me in my life.  Perhaps I would have more trust that investing my heart and mind in the things I really care about would bring returns on my investment that make it all worthwhile.  Maybe I would be a successful singer, writer or artist.  Who knows who I could have been!

In some strange way I have to find a way to put the past to bed…permanently.  People start over at all sorts of ages.  I am always inspired when I hear stories of people who conquered incredible odds and realized amazing personal visions for their future lives.  I still recall reading about a man who obtained his high school diploma at the age of ninety-eight.  Most anything is possible if you commit yourself to the process of growth without deep attachment to the outcome.

I have spoken of the reality of how gender correlates with grief.  In American culture I perceive a too pervasive and dysfunctional concept of manhood that insists that men not openly express emotion.  After September 11, 2001 the ‘Macho Man Syndrome’ seemed to rise in prominence as the country responded to the trauma of that day much as a kid with existing aggressive tendencies would respond to an assault on the school playground.  I have few good and immediate examples in my own life about how one can grieve.  Francis Weller, whom I met last year at the Minnesota Men’s Conference, has a special skill and focus on the issue of grief.  He is  a good resource to check out. 

….

It’s a rainy, cold day here in the Twin Cities.  At least it isn’t snowing.  Our local weatherman Paul Douglas indicates our month of May may have a cool, wet bias.  I wonder what our summer will be like this year.  I hope it is ultimately better than the one from last year.  I don’t much savor unrelenting heat for weeks and weeks at a time but it would be nice to have a summer worthy of the winter we endured.

I am giving myself until the end of 2014 at the very least to work through the grief I am carrying regarding my issues with my paternal family of origin.  Considering how long I lived with the burden of heightened anxiety (which was in more recent years so subtle) giving myself at least a full year to grieve is, in my estimation, quite reasonable.  I didn’t really begin to focus more specifically on my grief until I first was able to dig through and address all the anger I was feeling.  That process alone took several months.  Last year I was consumed with a lot of anger throughout the summer.  This summer will apparently be the summer I actively work through my grief.

This healing journey is something of an odyssey.

Five Things I Am Grateful For

The thawing of the Earth
Rain that washes away the old snow
My therapist
My job
The mere possibility of a much better future