Breakthrough: Come For the Change...Stay for the Transformation

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

It’s another gray day here in the Twin Cities.  April is ending and I keep wondering when it will finally warm up to something approximating normal weather.  After one of the most brutal winters in decades I suspect many people here in Minnesota are hankering for a deep purge of the cold and gray weather.

I had quite a significant breakthrough yesterday while meeting with my therapist.  I’m more aware than ever before of my tendency to engage in black and white thinking.  It’s a very unhealthy habit.  The topic came up in my therapy session when I spoke about how I would prefer to already be done with the grief that I am feeling. 

Recently I conceived of a goal in which I give myself until the end of 2014 to complete my grieving process.  But as with any goal I must ask myself the following question: Is it a realistic goal?

When a person awakens from an anxiety disorder like I did (within the last twelve months) how long does it take to feel truly ‘normal’ when my past version of normal was actually living in a heightened, though subtle, state of anxiety?  I suspect the process of adjustment is very much related to how long a person has carried around a particular health condition.  In my case my experience of unfortunate trauma began very early in my life.  I had carried my anxiety disorder around for over three decades.  It seems to me giving myself a minimum of a year to grieve and adjust to a life without the deep burden of trauma is quite reasonable.  Perhaps it is still a bit too ambitious.  Only time will tell what is ultimately realistic and what is a bit difficult to reach.

I became aware of my unhealthy habit of black and white thinking when I imagined how I might feel if I don’t succeed at this goal of completing my grieving process by January 1, 2015.  If I don’t achieve this self-determined goal would it mean that all my effort towards realizing it was for naught?  If somehow I could easily measure my progress towards this goal would I conclude I had ‘succeeded’ if I was 80% done with my grieving?  What about 70%?  What if I were half-way there?  Would I not count what forward progress I had made as a success if I hadn't completely succeeded in achieving my goal?  Isn't doing that just a horrible example of black and white thinking?

The deeper issue under my consideration here is the issue of trusting in the unfolding journey of life.  Can I trust that I am moving in the direction that is for my highest good?  Can I trust that my grief will wane away when the proper time has come?  Can I trust that I will take such good care of myself that I will be able to complete my grieving process as fast as is possible?   And just how fast is that?  I do not know.  That is one of the challenges of engaging in deep healing work…when there is little data out there on what a ‘typical’ recovery process looks like it can be difficult to know what to expect.  And the uncertainty can be disquieting.

I am still adjusting to living in a world in which the material world around me vividly presents itself in all three dimensions.  I struggle to put into words what it was like for me to live before and after EMDR and the shamanic journey work I did.  Before last summer I experienced the world in what I would call about two and a half dimensions.  I experienced height and width fairly crisply.  But depth was something else.  I had depth perception before my most recent journey of treatment…but that perception seemed to be impaired or at least under-developed.  I am convinced that the sudden blossoming of the world into three vividly discernible dimensions is something that occurred as a direct result of the treatment I underwent which featured some notable differences from past treatment.  Those differences are, as I have noted, the use of EMDR therapy and shamanic journeying.  Besides the difference in my age these are the only significant differences that exist between this current course of psychotherapy and past ones.

Grief is a human experience so very distinct from anger, fear, rage, joy and all the other experiences a person will often have in life.  Grief and time do not seem to really converse with one another.  Grief and grieving consume time.  Grief has a leaden quality to it…it will not be denied and it will not be hurried out of where it takes up residence.  At least that is my impression based on my own journey as well as the lives of many, many people I have met along the journey of my own life.  And thus it seems a bit laughable that I should set such a firm deadline for the conclusion of my grieving process.  It is healthy to have goals related to our health, vocational achievement and the like.  But undue attachment to such goals, such that failure to achieve them becomes some catastrophic experience that feels like the very world is ending, is not very healthy.  It’s good to have a target to aim at.  It’s also nice to relax as I practice my aim.

I do feel as if my own journey of healing is still unfolding.  I feel that I am still growing.  How long that will be I cannot easily predict.  It would be a very healthy idea to learn to let go more easily and just accept the fact that this process of grieving is going to take some time.

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I'm about to go to bed now.  It seems it would be wise to literally give myself more space in the flow of time of each day to allow myself to grieve.  Grief needs a space in my life so I can honor it and finally move on without it weighing me down.  And so as I go to sleep tonight I ask my dreams to give me wisdom on how I can be with my grief.