The Wheel Is Turning

Saturday, April 5, 2014


It finally has really and truly come.  Winter is dying and Spring is coming into being.  Yes we will have cold snaps in the next month but the time of persistent cold is finally behind us.  I've heard this past winter described as the worst winter since 1965.  I can believe it is true.

I am spending time this weekend simply relaxing as I adjust to the most recent changes in my life.  Working part time for the next several weeks feels like a much more manageable step than immediately jumping into full time work as I did last month.  Now, with the assistance of the many people who comprise my care team, I am looking for a new place to live.  I am hoping to secure something to start May 1st.  Between looking for a new home and plunging into what might be the deepest therapeutic work I have ever done I will most definitely be keeping myself busy this month.

I am looking forward to the work I will be doing with my therapist.  Spring is an excellent time to clear out the cobwebs of the old and worn and nurture new ways of living.  I began making such radical changes last summer.  As a season I associate summer with culmination and bounty as opposed to the tenderness and vulnerability of new beginnings.  As I commented last year when I first began my recovery process it increasingly contrasted with the seasons outside my windows.  By the time winter began I was beginning to feel unlike anything I was familiar with; my healing process was unfolding quickly.

In the last month my recovery process seemed to skid to a halt.  Quite honestly I was beginning to feel very weary of winter.  And I was also realizing it is challenging to maintain a persistent pace of recovery.  Just as with a long road trip it is necessary to take occasional breaks.  I took a break quite recently when illness required me to do so.  I finally feel better.  Now it is time to move forward.

In honor of the reawakening of the world and the beginning of a new cycle of life I submit to you an interesting commentary regarding the phenomenon of mystical experiences.  The end of winter and appearance of spring can be great inspiration for the mystic.

Enjoy the return of life!

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A few weeks ago I came across a journal entry I wrote in early April, 2012.  The following is a segment of that journal entry I wrote two years ago today.  It's a bit interesting to look back and see how clearly I expressed my interest in the shamanic arts.

April 5, 2012

A string of events in early February, 2012 cast me into the deepest darkness I can recall being in since I came to terms with my sexuality some fifteen years ago in 1997.  The most significant event from two months ago was the reopening of an old wound that originally occurred in my childhood when I was abused by my stepmother and stepsisters.  I went through what seemed like an unending litany of therapy to heal from the wounds of my earliest years...And so I find myself completely estranged from my father.  And it seems best that there be no further communication between him and me…perhaps indefinitely.

Within days of this primary stressful incident I did a rune reading for myself and pulled the rune Berkano which is associated with rebirth.  Indeed it was completely accurate and timely that this rune come to me…for rebirth is what I have experienced.

I cannot easily put into words the sheer volume of anger I was feeling after my entire life fell apart in early February.  The anger I felt was so overwhelming that it swamped my immune system; I was sick with a simple cold for about three weeks.  In order to cope I reached out as never before and incorporated practices into my daily life to help me manage the extreme pain I was feeling for several weeks. 

In late February I did a cord cutting ritual in which I worked with Joe Doherty, a shamanic breathwork practitioner and Licensed Clinical Social Worker based in Portland, Oregon.  In that session we created a ritual in which I severed the cord that connected me to my father.  It was my intention in this ritual to release the internalized negative father that I had experienced.  Through my association with Joe I discovered a local community of people who offer regular breath-work workshops.  I attended one in early March.  The following weekend I did another breathwork session in the home of Pam Savory.  I met Pam the previous weekend at the workshop offered to the broader Portland community.  Through these breathwork trainings as well as the psychotherapy, exercise and other practices I was engaged in I finally attained an amazing amount of clarity about my life purpose…about the ideal work I should be doing in this world.

Now I need to refer you back to those events of February.  I look back on that time now and clearly see that what I experienced was a shamanic soul retrieval in which a long disowned piece of myself finally came back.  On February 1^st I went to Seattle for an interview with the U.S. Navy Reserve.  My application was not forwarded on for consideration…but what I did manage to gain from the experience was likely immensely more valuable.  When I went to the interview I was honoring my 17 year old teenage self who had wanted to apply for the Navy.  Yet I did not apply to the Navy…and the reason I did not apply was because I bought into my father’s interpretation of who I was as a 17 year old about to leave for college. In essence I ignored my heart’s desire and instead chose to listen to my father’s view of reality.

When I returned from Seattle that same day I felt very different.  I was aware that something had really changed.  I described the feeling to my therapist later as feeling like there was someone beside me…or there was more to me than there was before.  In essence a part of my soul returned to me.  But I couldn’t clearly appreciate what I had set in motion.  By inviting that one disowned piece of myself back I essentially activated within my psyche other disowned pieces as well.  To speak metaphorically, it was as if I had walked into a banquet hall and invited just one piece of myself to return to me within earshot of all the other pieces.  It turned out all the other pieces wanted an invite as well.  And so began an immense process of transformation that catapulted me into a new phase of life.

Since early February, 2012 all of the pieces seem to have returned.  Memories of other significant developmental moments in my life have come back to me…including my time as a student of Naropa University in which I met a professor who was to profoundly influence the direction of my life, namely Dr. Pamela Colorado.  It was during my research for the degree program that Dr. Colorado founded that I had the most amazing transformational experience of my life (that I had thus far at that point).  I went to the Netherlands to research my ancestral heritage.  The first night I slept in the village where my great-great grandfather had departed in 1872 I had a most profound dream.  I awoke the next morning and realized quickly I had done something of a shamanic dream journey; I was never the same after that.  It was not possible to be the same man after that.

My life has been filled with some most amazing experiences.  I have been blessed with the opportunity to travel extensively and meet people from all walks of life in numerous nations.  Throughout my life the theme of self-empowerment work has been omnipresent.  My interest in human potential work and healing has led me to take countless trainings and become certified as a massage therapist and Reiki practitioner….among other things.

After the recent events of February I finally saw clearly just what it was that was evolving and where I was being led.  I feel it my life’s work to work with people using shamanism as a healing art.  I have begun to write down the core concept of my idea that I would like to eventually turn into my own business. 

It is difficult to put into words how differently I feel now.  I feel so alive.  The taste of any food is amazingly exquisite.  The subtleties of wind and warmth and water in the world beyond the confines of human constructed buildings are amazing.  And I find myself crying often.  I find myself crying often due to feeling consumed by an immense feeling of gratitude that what I have survived this last year was challenging.  The circumstances I have endured have called forth by potential to be a hero and a warrior.  I look about the world and realize that it is not the world itself that has fundamentally changed…but rather I have changed.  And I never again want to be the man I once was.  I feel fully alive now…and regardless of the immense vulnerability of having my heart and mind and body full of such an amazing lifeforce  I shall choose to walk in the world and declare confidently what my life’s purpose is.

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It's a bit strange to read this entry two years later and realize that I actually still wasn't feeling as fully alive as was possible for me to feel.  EMDR and additional shamanic journey work made all the difference.

Five Things I Am Grateful For

1) My enduring commitment to my healing journey
2) The ability to let go
3) The ability to discern what choices benefit me
4) The opportunity to relax on the weekend
5) Clear vision