Friday, April 11, 2014
I have excellent physical vision (eyesight) that I am still becoming accustomed to. And yet even with my great eyesight I still cannot clearly discern the ending of the current healing adventure I am on. I have heard some say that healing is a lifelong journey. Perhaps this is true. While speaking to my acupuncturist this morning I brought up the topic of the grief I am working with. I intuitively sense that I will eventually work through my grief to the point that it no longer feels omnipresent in my life. But when I reach that stage in my healing process is quite a mystery to me. I feel it a realistic and kind goal to give myself the entire remainder of this year to expect to feel grief to some degree. When the winter holidays of the end of this calendar year come and go I suspect I will feel like I have reached another critical milestone in my own process. In other words, my grief is going to be around for a while yet so it's best to settle in and just adapt to it.
I completed my weeklong training at the North Minneapolis Workforce Center today. I was determined to be ineligible for the Dislocated Workers program that had been my primary impetus for attending the training. I was instead referred to Vocational Rehabilitation services that are available at the same site. I will be attending the orientation next Wednesday. So yet again my path is taking a turn and leading me in yet another direction. This has happened so many times in my life that surprising developments no longer really phase me much. When you seem to perpetually have a whole load of issues to deal with adding on another one doesn't prompt me to bat an eye.
My dental appointment today was thankfully not especially eventful. I apparently have no cavities. I would like to put my smile to better use. My father certainly invested enough in the quality of my smile.
The weather is still beautiful outside. That's my opinion. The ice covered lakes are rapidly thawing out. The remains of snow drifts and plowed piles now can be seen mostly in areas with nearly perpetual shadow. I am seeing more and more green grass. Yes, the seasons are turning. It's such a sweet relief to have endured and successfully emerged from one of the worst winters in decades. And that I was actively working to recover and have made substantial progress is even more impressive. I have some good genetics to draw from.
Grief may be my primary omnipresent experience right now but at least much of my anger is gone. Anger was my predominant presenting affect for most of last summer. I feel more disappointment than anger these days. I am disappointed by the failure of so many people to do better when they were responsible for my welfare in some way. I try to be forgiving but every person has a limit as to how much dysfunctional behavior can be tolerated before it begins to wreak havoc with the heart and mind.
Even now, after nine months of therapy, I still can honestly say that I feel somewhat burned out. The depth of my burned-out state is much less however. So obviously I am healing...in my own way and in my own time.
I have excellent physical vision (eyesight) that I am still becoming accustomed to. And yet even with my great eyesight I still cannot clearly discern the ending of the current healing adventure I am on. I have heard some say that healing is a lifelong journey. Perhaps this is true. While speaking to my acupuncturist this morning I brought up the topic of the grief I am working with. I intuitively sense that I will eventually work through my grief to the point that it no longer feels omnipresent in my life. But when I reach that stage in my healing process is quite a mystery to me. I feel it a realistic and kind goal to give myself the entire remainder of this year to expect to feel grief to some degree. When the winter holidays of the end of this calendar year come and go I suspect I will feel like I have reached another critical milestone in my own process. In other words, my grief is going to be around for a while yet so it's best to settle in and just adapt to it.
I completed my weeklong training at the North Minneapolis Workforce Center today. I was determined to be ineligible for the Dislocated Workers program that had been my primary impetus for attending the training. I was instead referred to Vocational Rehabilitation services that are available at the same site. I will be attending the orientation next Wednesday. So yet again my path is taking a turn and leading me in yet another direction. This has happened so many times in my life that surprising developments no longer really phase me much. When you seem to perpetually have a whole load of issues to deal with adding on another one doesn't prompt me to bat an eye.
My dental appointment today was thankfully not especially eventful. I apparently have no cavities. I would like to put my smile to better use. My father certainly invested enough in the quality of my smile.
The weather is still beautiful outside. That's my opinion. The ice covered lakes are rapidly thawing out. The remains of snow drifts and plowed piles now can be seen mostly in areas with nearly perpetual shadow. I am seeing more and more green grass. Yes, the seasons are turning. It's such a sweet relief to have endured and successfully emerged from one of the worst winters in decades. And that I was actively working to recover and have made substantial progress is even more impressive. I have some good genetics to draw from.
Grief may be my primary omnipresent experience right now but at least much of my anger is gone. Anger was my predominant presenting affect for most of last summer. I feel more disappointment than anger these days. I am disappointed by the failure of so many people to do better when they were responsible for my welfare in some way. I try to be forgiving but every person has a limit as to how much dysfunctional behavior can be tolerated before it begins to wreak havoc with the heart and mind.
Even now, after nine months of therapy, I still can honestly say that I feel somewhat burned out. The depth of my burned-out state is much less however. So obviously I am healing...in my own way and in my own time.
Entertain the possibility that there is a payoff to not healing faster. Am I holding myself back, am I holding back from being the powerful being that I truly am. Obviously feeling the feelings that you have is the first step, and yet the feeling is pointing at information around helplessness, around powerlessness. Becoming aware of these feelings and being with them is taking a higher and wider perspective, who will you become once you decide to live from this higher and wider perspective, is it possible there is fear of growth...?
ReplyDeleteHi Robert. Thanks for your comment. The main issue I am facing now is that of grief. When grief gets inside of us and sits unattended for a long time (many years) I believe it can begin to weigh us down in a way that we might not fully appreciate. Unresolved grief from decades ago doesn't necessarily disappear in a day, a week, a month or even more. But it will change over time...and I believe it can be healed.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure there is fear of growth in me...it's more a matter of realizing how I was expressing so little of the true me.