If Only

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

If only.  If only…Rome *could* be built in a day

I am not a morning person…at least not in the typical sense.  I do not relish getting up early in the morning for the purpose of dashing off to work and being productive for the sake of helping someone else.  I do enjoy getting up and enjoying my morning for my own purposes.  I am still burned out…but I am less burned out than I was yesterday….and the day before…and the day before that one.  The trend of my life is pointed in the direction of improvement though the gains I make each day sometimes feel achingly small and won only after great effort.

It’s a beautiful Spring morning here in Minnesota.  It actually isn’t even below freezing…finally.  We call this progress here in Minnesota.  The color green is making a comeback now.  The area ponds and lakes have liquefied.  Birds can finally actually plunge into them rather than walk on top of them.

I actually like my job.  That is saying quite a bit.  I cannot recall the last time I could say that.  And I like writing each and every day as well.  Life is getting better all the time.  So why do I still feel so much grief?  Well, I would say I feel grief partly due to my impatience and partly due to the magnitude of the changes I am making in my life.  I have basically excised my paternal family of origin from my life.  I am recovering from an anxiety disorder that had not been successfully treated.  When you carry something around like that for over three decades you don’t exactly recover in the course of a day.  Rome was not built in one day…and my re-creation of my life in a form that fulfills my needs will not take place in a day either.  It is a process.  And sometimes those processes take a lot of time.  Babies need nine months in the mother’s womb before they are full-term and ready to enter the world.

There are days when I feel like hiding away and doing absolutely nothing.  At least I am getting better at paying attention to the deepest feelings within me.  I am exploring the terrains of my wounds and finding a way to create a life that effectively applies balm to them such that they heal.  Healing is both an art and a science.  Just as there is no exact formula for success there is also no exact formula for healing.  Everyone is different.  People have unique needs according to their backgrounds, the circumstances of their lives and their goals.  How I ultimately may find my way to the “promised land” of a Healthy Self is not likely to be the perfect match for another person’s journey.  We are all unique and special.  Pigeonholing people for the sake of efficiency or in response to apathy rarely does anyone much good.  At least that has been my observation.

……

Well my afternoon ended on a bit of a low note.  I had a brief conversation with someone within Allina about possibilities that might exist to find a long-term position within development work.  I was discouraged to hear that now is not a good time to be seeking such opportunities.  Allina is currently on a hiring freeze and is looking to focus on cutting costs.  The bottom line is one I have unfortunately heard all too many times in the last three years: Opportunities are scarce.  I am trying not to get enmeshed in self-pity but I am so fed up with the poor economy.  I invested so heavily in my professional development in the hope that it would pay off.  The Return on Investment for my decision to attend graduate school has been minimal…and I have looked for opportunities commensurate with my skill set for three years.  I perhaps wouldn’t feel so dismayed by this ongoing challenge if other aspects of my life were more satisfying.  But most every aspect of my life is a work in progress.  I try to find the beauty in each day…and yet I wonder if I will ever escape poverty, loneliness and a lack of consistent fulfillment. 

My childhood had an obscene amount of instability in it.  I survived it.  But now it seems forces beyond my control are working against my recovery.  What was the point of investing in my future if our economy continues to be lackluster and our supposed leaders devoid of vision or integrity?  I as one man cannot do much to change powerful economic forces that have gutted the American economy.  I as one person cannot reverse American habits such as shopping for bargain basement prices at places like Walmart (even if such habits help undermind the very economic fabric of small communities all over the country).  I alone cannot keep shortsighted, hateful people from gaining power through acquisition of power via the political process.  I do not want to continue to live in America if America continues to become America the stupid more and more.

Anyhow, in the spirit of being grateful I will offer a positive ending to my post today.

Five Things I Am Grateful For

My job

My immune system

My amazingly good vision

The color of green and its many subtle shades

A community of people I trust