Saturday, April 26, 2014
As I have continued my journey through therapy once again I have noticed some fundamental changes taking place. Some of these changes did not happen when I went through therapy on previous occasions. Whether the changes happening now are due to the different quality and techniques used in the therapy or due to the fact that I am older than when I first went through therapy as an adult is difficult to ascertain. I think some changes in the perspectives we carry are only natural as we make our way through our lives and (hopefully) mature. Experience is an amazing teacher.
One change I notice is that my attitude regarding my families of origin is beginning to change. About ten years ago I was actively involved in a graduate degree program in which I focused particular attention on a field known as indigenous science. My primary mentor in that program was Dr. Pamela Colorado. Dr. Colorado has made it her life's work to bring about a healing synergistic synthesis between Western science and what she calls indigenous science.
I was drawn to the teachings of indigenous science because I perceived the Western scientific paradigm, which I was first deeply exposed to as an undergraduate student of atmospheric science at Texas A&M University, lacked something significant. My intuition is what led me to feel Western science lacked something. When I was younger and casting about to find a way to make myself feel 'whole' I didn't really have the words to describe my own feelings of emptiness and alienation. Discovering Dr. Colorado and her life's work helped me to address this darkness of knowledge and spirit.
Here is some content regarding indigenous science taken directly from the Worldwide Indigenous Science Network website (found here):
Indigenous science is a way of knowing and a way of life. The power of indigenous science lies in its ability to make connections and perceive patterns across vast cycles of space and time. This "Great Memory" belongs to the entire human species, but it is most full active in cultural healers who develop heightened levels of consciousness. The Great Memory may also be realized more universally when the interspecies bond is honored.
Like Western science, indigenous science relies upon direct observation for forecasting and generating predictions. There are cultural tests to ensure validity. Individuals are trained in various specializations—for example herbalism, weather observations, mental health and time keeping. Unlike Western science, the data from indigenous science are not used to control the forces of nature; instead, tell us the ways and the means of accommodating nature. Other critical distinctions include the following:
Of all the relationships I have entered into in my life my discovery of Dr. Colorado and her work was one of the most profound. I became a very different person as a result of my path crossing with her own.
The fifth distinction noted above is particularly relevant to my writing today. I repeat it here: "Indigenous science is concerned with relationships, we try to understand and complete our relationships with all living things." When I first embarked on the academic program that led me to meet Dr. Colorado I could not easily put into words that part of my struggle and search was indeed focused on the issue of relationships. It is my opinion that the industrialized 'First World' in which capitalism is defined as a primary organizing economic principle has some fundamental assumptions built into its foundational framework that are both inherently alienating to the individual and also at odds with a sustainable relationship with the Earth on which we depend for our very sustenance. The purpose of my blog post today is not to explore these issues in any great depth. I want to instead focus on the issue of relationships.
One manifestation of my issues as it relates to the realm of relationships was that I simply didn't feel I really belonged most anywhere I lived or traveled to. I have visited more American states than I have not. My father was born in the States and my mother is a native citizen of Germany. And even though I grew up in the States and am not legally a dual citizen of both countries I still feel quite at home when I visit Germany. The law does not recognize what is inscribed in my own heart. In discovering indigenous science I found a way to understand and better interact within the relationships I had with myself, my families of origin and the world at large.
Two and three years ago I experienced my first significant hints that I would ultimately make a trip to Germany in the near future (as from the perspective of that time). While visiting the island of Maui in May, 2011 I encountered a newspaper article in the Maui Times about the historical legacy of the Nazi period in Germany. Then, about nine months later, in February, 2012 I experienced a more subtle hint. While at home one day I saw sunlight cascading into my bedroom and illuminating the photo of my four grandparents which I customarily have sitting on my altar. Only my paternal grandfather (the one of my four grandparents who is of Dutch ancestry first and foremost) was in shadow. The sunlight was illuminating my three grandparents who were primarily of Germanic heritage.
Last year, while making my trip to Germany as part of a fellowship awarded to me by the American Council on Germany, I took some time to visit my relatives and honor my long departed grandparents. In doing so I was attempting to practice what I had first learned through meeting Dr. Colorado...namely practicing the use of indigenous science to cultivate healthy relationships with all that I am a part of.
Now, having finally provided some background for the purpose of context, I can speak about how I feel now.
Lately I have been experiencing what I would call are the limitations of 'ancestor worship.' Ancestor worship as a phrase is perhaps not the best way of describing what I do in relation to my families of origin. I try to honor all of my ancestors (or 'all my relations' to borrow a phrase commonly found in Native American parlance) with the life I live. One challenge that can arise, however, is when you fundamentally do not agree with some of the choices your ancestors made or attitudes your ancestors held. It is this issue of differences of perspective that has been on my mind lately.
In regards to my father I have wondered how much of his own dysfunctional behavior is rooted in his own relationship with his father. As my paternal grandfather has long since passed away and I do not known if I can trust what my own father now says (as I have elucidated in other entries in this blog) it is difficult for me to reconstruct my father's relationship with his father. However, I think I can safely say that my grandfather and father are, like so many people, 'products' of the broader backdrop of the unique historical period they have lived in.
And I believe this holds true for my maternal family of origin as well. For example, in trying to learn more about my mother's father I once heard my father speak briefly about my maternal grandfather's attitude regarding the Ukrainian people. My maternal grandfather served on the side of the Nazis and was sent to Russia. As of this moment in my life I still know very little about that period of his life. However, I have tried to imagine what it must have been like when Germany was defeated in 1945 and the country lay in ruins. My grandfather was in his early 30s at that time. To witness your entire nation occupied, its infrastructure obliterated and its future immensely uncertain was an immense trauma for the German people. And of course there were the horrors visited on so many other European peoples during the time of Hitler's regime. I have no doubt the war significantly affected my grandfather. (I can still recall him talking about Germany immediately after World War II and how 'alles war kaputt' (everything was ruined/broken).) To be a young man at the time of your nation's apparent long-term demise must have been heart wrenching. Anyway, I have digressed a bit.
If my own father is correct it appears my maternal grandfather didn't have the highest opinion of the Ukrainian people. It's difficult for me to not have this anecdotal information be in my mind as of late considering current events in Ukraine and Russia. In hearing my father relay his knowledge about my maternal grandfather I again can't help but think about the significance of historical influences. How much of my grandfather's attitude was a result of Nazi conditioning? I cannot easily answer this question even though it is an interesting question to pose.
The point I am essentially trying to make in this posting is that honoring our ancestors only takes us so far in our own personal development. Our ancestors made mistakes just as we have. Our ancestors are influenced by the circumstances of the unique time in history they lived in...just as we are. We might not fully understand our ancestors' decisions but is it all that realistic to expect that we always could do so considering the continual change of the world at large? Would I have ultimately lived a life very different from my maternal grandfather had I been born into his particular circumstances in the Germany of the early 1910s? I cannot answer this question.
As I continue to work through the impact the trauma of my early life history (which is itself intimately intertwined with the lives of my ancestors and their own successes and failures) had on me I see that I am gradually disentangling myself from the circumstances of my own origin and seeing my life more clearly and a bit more dispassionately. As I do this I find myself feeling more and more like my true self. The journey of self discovery can be a long and arduous road. It certainly has felt like that for me more than one time in my own life.
I still honor my ancestors in my own way. I still believe in displaying this one particular photo of my four grandparents on my altar. But it seems I am finally mature enough now to be able to be my own man and not feel this is somehow disrespecting my ancestors. Loving relationships can only be built on a mutual foundation of respect. And that respect can and must itself be founded on recognizing the inherent dignity of all human beings. And yet it can be challenging when we live in particular circumstances in which our societies' media blare propaganda designed to denigrate other people. The Nazi Germany of my grandfather's early adulthood demonized the Jews. Today in America one sees 'news' media like Fox News vilify poor people and minorities. It seems every generation has its designated scapegoats. Will this ever change? I wonder.
I love my ancestors and honor them as best as I can. Even though I feel completely estranged from my paternal family of origin (and wonder if that will ever change) I still love my family. I attempt to cherish the good memories I have of them and not dwell in the painful ones. Can a person do more than that?
...
NOTE:
During the month of May, 2014 I will be taking a break from writing new content for my blog. I will instead share the journal entries I wrote while making my research trip which was made possible by the American Council on Germany. My trip took place during the period of May 13-May 31, 2013. I will begin writing new content once again on June 1, 2014.
As I have continued my journey through therapy once again I have noticed some fundamental changes taking place. Some of these changes did not happen when I went through therapy on previous occasions. Whether the changes happening now are due to the different quality and techniques used in the therapy or due to the fact that I am older than when I first went through therapy as an adult is difficult to ascertain. I think some changes in the perspectives we carry are only natural as we make our way through our lives and (hopefully) mature. Experience is an amazing teacher.
One change I notice is that my attitude regarding my families of origin is beginning to change. About ten years ago I was actively involved in a graduate degree program in which I focused particular attention on a field known as indigenous science. My primary mentor in that program was Dr. Pamela Colorado. Dr. Colorado has made it her life's work to bring about a healing synergistic synthesis between Western science and what she calls indigenous science.
I was drawn to the teachings of indigenous science because I perceived the Western scientific paradigm, which I was first deeply exposed to as an undergraduate student of atmospheric science at Texas A&M University, lacked something significant. My intuition is what led me to feel Western science lacked something. When I was younger and casting about to find a way to make myself feel 'whole' I didn't really have the words to describe my own feelings of emptiness and alienation. Discovering Dr. Colorado and her life's work helped me to address this darkness of knowledge and spirit.
Here is some content regarding indigenous science taken directly from the Worldwide Indigenous Science Network website (found here):
Indigenous science is a way of knowing and a way of life. The power of indigenous science lies in its ability to make connections and perceive patterns across vast cycles of space and time. This "Great Memory" belongs to the entire human species, but it is most full active in cultural healers who develop heightened levels of consciousness. The Great Memory may also be realized more universally when the interspecies bond is honored.
Like Western science, indigenous science relies upon direct observation for forecasting and generating predictions. There are cultural tests to ensure validity. Individuals are trained in various specializations—for example herbalism, weather observations, mental health and time keeping. Unlike Western science, the data from indigenous science are not used to control the forces of nature; instead, tell us the ways and the means of accommodating nature. Other critical distinctions include the following:
Of all the relationships I have entered into in my life my discovery of Dr. Colorado and her work was one of the most profound. I became a very different person as a result of my path crossing with her own.
The fifth distinction noted above is particularly relevant to my writing today. I repeat it here: "Indigenous science is concerned with relationships, we try to understand and complete our relationships with all living things." When I first embarked on the academic program that led me to meet Dr. Colorado I could not easily put into words that part of my struggle and search was indeed focused on the issue of relationships. It is my opinion that the industrialized 'First World' in which capitalism is defined as a primary organizing economic principle has some fundamental assumptions built into its foundational framework that are both inherently alienating to the individual and also at odds with a sustainable relationship with the Earth on which we depend for our very sustenance. The purpose of my blog post today is not to explore these issues in any great depth. I want to instead focus on the issue of relationships.
One manifestation of my issues as it relates to the realm of relationships was that I simply didn't feel I really belonged most anywhere I lived or traveled to. I have visited more American states than I have not. My father was born in the States and my mother is a native citizen of Germany. And even though I grew up in the States and am not legally a dual citizen of both countries I still feel quite at home when I visit Germany. The law does not recognize what is inscribed in my own heart. In discovering indigenous science I found a way to understand and better interact within the relationships I had with myself, my families of origin and the world at large.
Two and three years ago I experienced my first significant hints that I would ultimately make a trip to Germany in the near future (as from the perspective of that time). While visiting the island of Maui in May, 2011 I encountered a newspaper article in the Maui Times about the historical legacy of the Nazi period in Germany. Then, about nine months later, in February, 2012 I experienced a more subtle hint. While at home one day I saw sunlight cascading into my bedroom and illuminating the photo of my four grandparents which I customarily have sitting on my altar. Only my paternal grandfather (the one of my four grandparents who is of Dutch ancestry first and foremost) was in shadow. The sunlight was illuminating my three grandparents who were primarily of Germanic heritage.
Last year, while making my trip to Germany as part of a fellowship awarded to me by the American Council on Germany, I took some time to visit my relatives and honor my long departed grandparents. In doing so I was attempting to practice what I had first learned through meeting Dr. Colorado...namely practicing the use of indigenous science to cultivate healthy relationships with all that I am a part of.
Now, having finally provided some background for the purpose of context, I can speak about how I feel now.
Lately I have been experiencing what I would call are the limitations of 'ancestor worship.' Ancestor worship as a phrase is perhaps not the best way of describing what I do in relation to my families of origin. I try to honor all of my ancestors (or 'all my relations' to borrow a phrase commonly found in Native American parlance) with the life I live. One challenge that can arise, however, is when you fundamentally do not agree with some of the choices your ancestors made or attitudes your ancestors held. It is this issue of differences of perspective that has been on my mind lately.
In regards to my father I have wondered how much of his own dysfunctional behavior is rooted in his own relationship with his father. As my paternal grandfather has long since passed away and I do not known if I can trust what my own father now says (as I have elucidated in other entries in this blog) it is difficult for me to reconstruct my father's relationship with his father. However, I think I can safely say that my grandfather and father are, like so many people, 'products' of the broader backdrop of the unique historical period they have lived in.
And I believe this holds true for my maternal family of origin as well. For example, in trying to learn more about my mother's father I once heard my father speak briefly about my maternal grandfather's attitude regarding the Ukrainian people. My maternal grandfather served on the side of the Nazis and was sent to Russia. As of this moment in my life I still know very little about that period of his life. However, I have tried to imagine what it must have been like when Germany was defeated in 1945 and the country lay in ruins. My grandfather was in his early 30s at that time. To witness your entire nation occupied, its infrastructure obliterated and its future immensely uncertain was an immense trauma for the German people. And of course there were the horrors visited on so many other European peoples during the time of Hitler's regime. I have no doubt the war significantly affected my grandfather. (I can still recall him talking about Germany immediately after World War II and how 'alles war kaputt' (everything was ruined/broken).) To be a young man at the time of your nation's apparent long-term demise must have been heart wrenching. Anyway, I have digressed a bit.
If my own father is correct it appears my maternal grandfather didn't have the highest opinion of the Ukrainian people. It's difficult for me to not have this anecdotal information be in my mind as of late considering current events in Ukraine and Russia. In hearing my father relay his knowledge about my maternal grandfather I again can't help but think about the significance of historical influences. How much of my grandfather's attitude was a result of Nazi conditioning? I cannot easily answer this question even though it is an interesting question to pose.
The point I am essentially trying to make in this posting is that honoring our ancestors only takes us so far in our own personal development. Our ancestors made mistakes just as we have. Our ancestors are influenced by the circumstances of the unique time in history they lived in...just as we are. We might not fully understand our ancestors' decisions but is it all that realistic to expect that we always could do so considering the continual change of the world at large? Would I have ultimately lived a life very different from my maternal grandfather had I been born into his particular circumstances in the Germany of the early 1910s? I cannot answer this question.
As I continue to work through the impact the trauma of my early life history (which is itself intimately intertwined with the lives of my ancestors and their own successes and failures) had on me I see that I am gradually disentangling myself from the circumstances of my own origin and seeing my life more clearly and a bit more dispassionately. As I do this I find myself feeling more and more like my true self. The journey of self discovery can be a long and arduous road. It certainly has felt like that for me more than one time in my own life.
I still honor my ancestors in my own way. I still believe in displaying this one particular photo of my four grandparents on my altar. But it seems I am finally mature enough now to be able to be my own man and not feel this is somehow disrespecting my ancestors. Loving relationships can only be built on a mutual foundation of respect. And that respect can and must itself be founded on recognizing the inherent dignity of all human beings. And yet it can be challenging when we live in particular circumstances in which our societies' media blare propaganda designed to denigrate other people. The Nazi Germany of my grandfather's early adulthood demonized the Jews. Today in America one sees 'news' media like Fox News vilify poor people and minorities. It seems every generation has its designated scapegoats. Will this ever change? I wonder.
I love my ancestors and honor them as best as I can. Even though I feel completely estranged from my paternal family of origin (and wonder if that will ever change) I still love my family. I attempt to cherish the good memories I have of them and not dwell in the painful ones. Can a person do more than that?
...
NOTE:
During the month of May, 2014 I will be taking a break from writing new content for my blog. I will instead share the journal entries I wrote while making my research trip which was made possible by the American Council on Germany. My trip took place during the period of May 13-May 31, 2013. I will begin writing new content once again on June 1, 2014.
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