Character Assassination?

Monday, April 14, 2014

I have heard about libel before but never did I imagine I might actually find myself seriously wondering if I am being the unwitting recipient of this unfortunate dark experience that human beings are capable of perpetrating against others.

My blood pressure and heart rate shot up earlier today when I received an email from the Twin Cities Gay Men’s Chorus (TCGMC). I don’t know why I feel surprised any more when this issue comes up.  It seems that very low standards are what are tolerated by the leadership of the organization. It appears I unwittingly stumbled into an organization whose leadership is highly dysfunctional. I’ve been exclaiming that the proverbial emperor has no clothes for some time now…and it seems it has fallen on willfully deaf ears. What convinced me more firmly than ever before that this is indeed the truth of the matter was the short reply I (inadvertently?) received from my former landlord…the man who evicted me as the coldest winter in fifty years was about to start here in Minnesota. Let’s just say that I think any reasonable and decent person who saw his comments would, if said person also knew the full story of what I have experienced since last June, be put off at best and truly disgusted at worst regarding the cold hearted tone of the words he shared.

I see clearly how what I have endured these past ten months in regards to the chorus strikes at the core of my core issue, namely when grown adults cannot, will not or do not even know how to actually treat one another with dignity and respect. It seems to be a foreign concept...and not just to some of the men in this chorus. Indeed, when did America become a nation full of so many self-absorbed, heartless people who are content to watch others in their very communities die in the streets homeless and alone? I still believe there are many good Americans in the country of my birth but I sense that something is seriously amiss. I believe the trend-line is downward in the direction of apathy, greed, shallowness and callousness.

I think character assassination (if that is indeed what is happening) is one of the most horrible things a person can commit against another. Why? Because such an egregious wrong is so insidious. Character assassination is made possible by a toolkit filled with malicious gossip, misinformation, intentional deceit and sheer cruelty. Gossip is the province of no one particular type of person in particular. Such behavior knows no such boundaries. I have seen others gossip. And whenever I see it I struggle not to feel my stomach churn.

I am writing this entry today for the deliberate purpose of setting the record straight. If there are any individuals whom I initially met through TCGMC who are reading this entry I want to make one thing very clear: It was never my intention to hurt any member in any way.  What I unwittingly unleashed last June 13^th resulted because I made a good faith effort (motivated by good will and a desire to see the best in others) to address a matter of concern to me. Instead of my feedback being considered in a thoughtful and adult manner I experienced harassment, aloofness and even a heated verbal confrontation with another member that resulted in me eventually stumbling outside to uncontrollably shake and cry. And yet despite that episode I still showed up and sang in the concerts at the end of June of last year. I did so because I am the type of person who believes in following through on the commitments I make.

I am bone weary of living in a world where I have tried so hard to be a law-abiding citizen who is educated, productive, generous and thoughtful.  I am burned out from witnessing the greed, callousness, deceit, maliciousness, pettiness, corruption and small-mindedness of others.  If you are reading this and do not know my background let me educate you as to what obstacles I have transcended:

• I lost my mother to the illness of schizophrenia in the 1970s.  Finding quality care for her was made all the more complicated because 1) little was understood about this illness at that time, 2) my mother grew up in a small community where the local hospital did not have people knowledgeable about her condition, 3) my maternal grandfather apparently had difficulty in addressing the issue of his eldest daughter’s health in a proactive way and 4) my father and his family of origin were also relatively uneducated by virtue of living in rural Arkansas.
• My mother’s illness is cyclical.  She had more than one episode of it.  She became seriously ill in the early 1980s and eventually ended up back in Germany.  My mother’s siblings struggled to help her.  She was especially sick in the summer of 1982 shortly after I nearly lost my father.  So I basically nearly lost both of my parents before my 9^th birthday.  It’s very sad for a child to endure such loss and chaos.
• I was verbally and physically abused by my stepsisters during my father’s second marriage.  They would call me ugly, insist I hide my head under pillows, trap me in my bedroom closet, play practical jokes on me and prevent me from calling my father at work to tell him what was being done to me.
• My first stepmother attempted to murder my father.  She didn’t succeed.  A teenage boy she was in an inappropriate relationship with fired the gun in her last attempt on my father’s life.
• My stepmother was never prosecuted for attempted murder.  Why?  According to my father she had also been involved in an inappropriate relationship with the mayor of the suburb we lived in.  There was police corruption that interfered with the case being properly handled.
• My toys and other possessions were stolen when my father’s second marriage ended.
• I grew up gay in Texas.  I dealt with homophobia and the hate that only ignorance can breed while going to high school.
• There were times I wanted to run away from home.  I never did because I feared what might be out in the world at large.  Sometimes known suffering is easier to handle than the suffering we might find in the Unknown.
• Despite being forthright with my father about my sexuality he has used terms like ‘lifestyle’ to describe my sexuality.  To my knowledge he has never picked up an authoritative book containing valid science to better understand gay people.
• I was in a car accident when I was a teenager.  I was at fault; I rear-ended another car.
• I have unintentionally hit my head multiple times both as a kid and as a younger man.  Thankfully none of these incidents resulted in permanent damage (I just confirmed this last December when I had testing done with a neuropsychologist here in Minneapolis).
• Despite the painful experiences of my childhood and the harm I felt due to corruption beyond my control I gave approximately four years of my life in the youngest years of my adulthood in service to others...with no monetary compensation in return.  I did so, in part, because I believe in being generous and kind.
• At the tender age of twenty-three I lived on the Rosebud Lakota Sioux reservation in South Dakota for a period of fourteen weeks.  I witnessed despair, alcoholism and apathy in a concentration unlike anything I had ever seen before.  And yet I also experienced beauty and the kindness of the Lakota people.
• I developed a repetitive strain injury in 2001.  It put me out of work for a time.  I thankfully eventually healed.
• I have lost friends to AIDS.
• I have lost at least one friend to suicide.
• I lost a cherished mentor to brain cancer.
• I was in a car accident at the age of 37 that totaled my car.
• I once had a suicidal landlord.
• My father received death threats during his professional career.  From what I know some of them came from his employees.  He worked as a manager.
• I have not held a job that truly uses the vast breadth of my skills in many years.  I keep trying and hope that one day I will realize this dream.
• I am still single despite many times I have dated and put myself out there into the dating pool.
• I am not on speaking terms with anyone in my father’s family due to the confusion and unanswered questions that surround that time in my childhood when my father nearly died.
• I was evicted from my home last year as a result of my decision to speak my heart.  I am still dealing with the consequences of that.
• I am still learning what it is like to live without an anxiety disorder after finally finding effective treatment for it last year.  My disorder was so subtle in the last many years that I didn’t realize there was still an impact on me from the early trauma I experienced.  In a sense I am recreating my life at the age of 40.

Now let me ask you a question. Do you think I know what it means to suffer? If you answer ‘No’ please read my list again. If you still answer ‘No’ I would like to know what your heart is made of. I share the dark moments of my journey only to make it clear I have suffered plenty. I do not wish to throw a pity party for myself because those are not the kinds of parties I wish to be a part of. I want to move forward…and I am doing the best that I can with the resources I have available. I am not a perfect man. But I am a generous one. And I am kind. And I am thoughtful. I am also resilient, determined and take pride in my commitment to being a person of integrity.

I am trying to transmute the darkness of my own life experience into something that will make my future better than my past.

I get up every morning and keep trying. I want a breakthrough. I need a breakthrough. I need more love, more money, more support, more genuine friendships, more laughter, more excitement.

I am doing the best I can do.

I ask my ancestors on the other side of the veil to please help me. I am weary of the injustice that fills too many corners of the world. I have had more than my 'fair' share of it I do believe.

If I have a guardian angel now would be the time for him to pay close attention.