Planting Many, Many Seeds

Friday, September 6, 2013


It's a little strange to so rigorously be pursuing an activity in my own life which symbolically corresponds to the opposite time of the calendar year.  I am planting many, many "metaphorical" seeds to change the career focus of my life as well as improve the quality of my life.  Such has been my life these last two months as I have begun an unexpected journey of deeper healing.  As summer's power begins to fade and the darker half of the year approaches it seems almost counterintuitive to be engaged in such effort to manifest new life as one expects to witness in spring.

During my session with my therapist yesterday I spoke of the predominant feelings I was having after I had made my decision to finally cease the long running conflict with my father.  My predominant feeling has been one of relief.  This was true yesterday.  And it is still true today.  The sadness and grief feels a bit more intense today.  But I am still breathing.  I am still alive.  I am awake and committed to my own process of recovery.  And I have now invested so much in the process of moving forward that the momentum I have generated to propel myself forward now feels as if it has a life of its own.  Breaking the inertia of patterns that no longer serve can often be a labor intensive process.  I feel I have finally moved beyond that initial phase of my process.  Now has come the time to wade through the deeper, less clear emotional waters.

I am growing increasingly excited about the upcoming 29th annual Minnesota Men's Conference.  While attending my core conditioning class this morning I was again reminded of the virtually voracious appetite I have for healthy male energy; there was a relative dearth of men in the exercise studio.  Thus do I often find myself asking: where are all the men?  Indeed, where are they?

I suppose a healthy goal I can set for myself to work on over the next few weeks is to better identify the nature of the deep loneliness I have felt throughout my life.  It is a painful loneliness made possible in part by the relative lack of healthy male energy in my life.  It is true I have been blessed with many good male friends over the years.  And I am very grateful for them.  It is also true I have been blessed with some lovely men who became intimate companions for varied periods of time.  Again I am grateful.  Yet I still feel very hungry.  I don't know if perhaps this is a symptom of reaching a new stage of maturity in my life but suddenly my priorities are radically shifting and I find myself almost hyperaware of my need for healthy male energy.

In honor of the new moon in my astrological sign of Virgo I did a candle ritual today to ask all those things which do not serve me to leave my life.  I have made such a particular request at other times in my life and witnessed some very amazing results.  It brings to mind that saying of "be careful what you wish for because you might get it".

Two Stubborn Germans

Thursday, September 5, 2013

The time has come for me to declare the conflict between me and my father as a stalemate.  As happens within the game of chess when two players battle it out until their resources are so exhausted that neither can emerge decisively victorious so has it also come to pass in my personal relationship with my father.  The principle of diminishing returns set in long ago.  To continue to initiate new battles in this virtually epic saga is to waste precious energy that I could more wisely spend on numerous other matters.

I am actually not that surprised that the conflict between me and my father has reached such a condition of stalemate.  Last month, after meeting with a local conflict resolution facilitator, I attended a weekend workshop he offered here in Minneapolis.  One of the activities within the workshop required us to assess the relative strength of our position in an ongoing disagreement we are currently having with someone in our own lives.  I chose my father.  Using the questions provided I determined our relative strength in our conflict to be essentially equal.  And thus we have stalemate.

What has surprised me since this condition of stalemate became radiantly clear is the predominant feeling I have now.  It is not anger.  It is not grief.  It is, interestingly enough, relief.  Somehow I had imagined my predominant feeling would be anger.  And yet it is not so.  And I don’t even feel within myself the sense that I will erupt in anger later.  Perhaps I have battled it out with my father so many times that I suspected in my heart of hearts that our present disagreement would end as those which have come before this one have ended.  It seems my father and I fundamentally do not see eye to eye.  And I suspect we never will.

If I continued to have a myopic vision of my life in which I defined myself so deeply through my particular relationship with my father I know the stalemate would likely leave me feeling enraged.  But I see myself as so much more and I indeed am so much more.  To begin with, I am not just the son of my father.  I am the son of my mother as well.  I have an entirely different family in Europe that is as much my family as the one I have here in the United States.

There is also the broader reality of the life I have already lived, the education I possess, the many places I have visited and the amazing friends I have made.  I am so much more than the interactions, gifts and wounds that define the history of my relationship with my father.  If I take a broad view I can move on with grace and dignity.  It is when I think in narrow terms that I find myself spiral into trouble.

Perhaps I would not feel so strongly about the urgency of moving on if I was not simultaneously dealing with other pressing challenges.  Thankfully I am beginning to find lasting resolution to these other challenges.  Today was my final scheduled visit to my physical therapist.  I have been advised to continue doing certain exercises as part of my daily routine for the next month.  If need be I will schedule a follow up appointment.

When you’re suddenly caught in a perfect storm of difficulties seemingly appearing in every direction you can look the extraneous, superficial and petty aspects of your life very quickly reveal themselves to be exactly that.  Though there are many goals we each strive to realize throughout our lives there is much about this modern life in the industrialized West that is unnecessary.  I threw out much of its standard features years ago; I have not regularly watched television in I cannot remember how long.  And much of the standard daily fare here in America is, in my opinion, virtually devoid of value.  Here I am speaking about so much of what passes for food, news and entertainment.

It’s time for me to set sail in the direction of my dreams and stop waging battles in conflicts that fundamentally cannot be won or whose victory delivers prizes whose value proves empty to me.  Living a full and happy life is the best way I can honor myself and my ancestors.

On the Road to Resilience

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


Today was another full day.  Thankfully it was full of positive developments.  My acupuncturist is pleased with my progress and now recommends only one appointment a week.  Tomorrow could quite possibly be my last physical therapy appointment.  My recovery continues to progress.

This evening I attended the first session of the Resilience Training program offered at the Penny George Institute.  Though I don't believe in taking solace in other people's difficulties it was strangely comforting to be one person in a room of people who all are facing their own health challenges.  I feel less isolated than I have previously.  There was quite a variety of health challenges and issues represented in my group.  Among the stories I heard were health issues of lyme disease, PTSD, bipolarity, breast cancer and the pain and confusion that can come after the loss of intimate partners.  Nobody gets out of this experience of being human alive.  No human life isn't touched by sorrow.  Even if we enjoy lives full of health, wealth and ease we still are faced with the reality of human mortality.  The people we care about will one day leave us.

As for my own journey it's clear I can enhance my own resilience by building more stability into my life.  I need more fulfilling relationships.  I also need more enduring relationships.  Both would serve me well in my continuing recovery from PTSD.  Now that my physical health is essentially nearly normal once again I can begin to focus more clearly on these longer term issues.  As I mentioned in a recent post one of my principal challenges is addressing the loneliness that has been an all too persistent companion due to the instability of some of my most primary relationships.  Instability found me early in my own life when my mother experienced her schizophrenic breakdown.  Learning how to lay down new patterns of thinking will likely be one of the greater challenges I face in the therapeutic work that remains before me.

I began reading the book by Dr. Henry Emmons (one feature of the course) during some of my free time today.  Learning more about the brain-body connection is intriguing and vital.  I sense that in my particular case my primary challenge is my patterns of thinking that cause my biochemistry to become imbalanced more than the opposite scenario in which illness in the body adversely affects my mind.


Another important recent development is my email correspondence with my father.  He replied to me yesterday after I sent him a message indicating I didn't feel comfortable remaining in touch until he agrees to a process of mediation.  I still have not opened the email to read his reply.  I have hesitated to do so. I am trying to pace myself in the midst of such immense change.  I expect I will open it tomorrow morning before I venture off to see my therapist.

Perhaps the best news of all is my plan to attend a job fair tomorrow with The North Face.  I finally feel I am essentially ready to begin working again.  This is another big step.

I am finally beginning to see the dim outline of the healthy man I am striving to become in the future.  In many respects I am already healthy now (despite the PTSD).  But I want more than health.  I want to experience true vitality.  And I believe I can reach this destination.  Through diligence, patience and the support of my friends and family I will realize my dream.

Golden September

Tuesday, September 3, 2013


I'm still amazed that it is September already.  I am also still amazed that I am turning a "special age" in a mere eleven days.  It doesn't seem possible.  It also doesn't seem possible one of many special times in my life now lies a whole three years in the past.  Ah yes, I remember those beautiful days of September, 2010.

The summer of 2010 was a special one for me.  I was blessed with the opportunity to travel to Norway to take a class as part of my coursework for my masters degree I was pursuing at the time at an institute based in California.  After returning to California in mid-July I spent some time with a friend in Santa Cruz, California before making the journey north to Oregon to luxuriate in the summer warmth of August.  I returned to California in time to resume my studies in September.

Shortly after returning to California something unexpected began to unfold.  I would awaken feeling completely refreshed after a mere five (or at most six) hours of sleep.  During the first week this occurred I thought it was a fluke experience that would quickly disappear.  But it didn't.  It went on throughout much of the month of September.  It was nearly October before this phenomenon began to subside.  Hindsight being what it often is I was able to look back some time later (as I can also do now) and reflect on what was happening.  The restorative power of living on a retreat center property in a very rural area of southwest Oregon had "turbo-charged" my health.  I was so refreshed and relaxed after nearly an entire month of living so intimately with the sights, sounds and smells of our living planet that my health reflected this wondrous state of being through my need for relatively little sleep.  It took some time to adjust to this deliciously exuberant state of being.  And ironically, by the time I did begin to find such a rested state to be a "normal" experience, that state began to fade away.

I can still vividly remember how good I felt on the day of my birthday three years ago...namely September 14th.  I made a trip to a local nature reserve where I had begun doing weekly monitoring of a marine protected area for a non-profit organization.  I was doing such monitoring work to gain experience to list on my resume in the hope of getting an amazing job once I completed my degree.  That still has not happened.  And recently, with the unexpected developments regarding my health, I have decided to change my focus.

I celebrated my birthday that year by going out to the ocean.  I can still remember hearing some music on the radio of my Mazda 323 SE.  I recall the deep and tender yearnings of my heart.  I remember how much I missed a certain man I had met while in Oregon that summer.  And I remember the shadow of loneliness that filled my heart.  I enjoyed going to school and was excited to complete my degree.  And yet the loneliness within my heart was deep and difficult to bear.  And yet all the while I would encourage myself with the belief that the sacrifice of attending graduate school a second time would prove worthwhile.  And perhaps it ultimately still will prove worthwhile.  But one challenge that has remained is that loneliness.  I still feel it.

I see so clearly now how deep the loneliness has run through my own heart.  I see how long it has been present.  I see how the traumas in my own life history have colored my perspective and all too easily distorted my thinking regarding how realistic it is to expect I can successfully meet me own heartfelt needs in a consistent way over a long period of time.  People have come and gone through my life so many times that it seems...perhaps...that this exterior pattern has forged some sort of unfortunate neural pathway in my own brain that long ago led me to just start expecting that people would not remain in my life.  It seems I started to expect unpredictability and chaos in relationships.  And eventually, as you would expect to happen given what I have learned through other informal courses of study, my expectations began to come true.

It thus seems I need to literally reprogram the way I think about my life and what I can expect and dream about.  As I have noted in previous entries the exterior world (and our daily lives) is a mirror of our interior lives and stream of thoughts.  Expect difficulty and challenging circumstances and you will ultimately see such a reality manifest.  Focus upon the good and eventually that will predominate in your life.

I myself wish to find my way back to those halcyon days of the September of three years ago when I would awaken refreshed after a mere five hours of sleep.  It was such a magical time in my life.  I believe it is possible to recapture such magic.  I believe it is possible to fundamentally rewire my brain through persistent discipline and the creation of a nurturing environment such that this condition of PTSD resolves to the point that my past no longer holds me in its thrall.  It seems likely there is much work before me that I still will need to do.  I can undertake such a journey if I have sufficient support and encouragement.  I can make the journey if I can keep my eyes fixed on the prize in the distance.

I am excited that tomorrow features the beginning of the Resilience Training program at the Penny George Institute.  I am most grateful for the scholarship that is making my participation in this program possible.  I am even grateful for the spinning wheel of the seasons that is now carrying us away from long summer days into the growing stillness of autumn.  I do not savor the thought of cold winter winds (which my mind has already repeatedly leapt to since we had our first chilly morning today) coming in the near future.  But before those winds grow strong and persistent there is the gift of autumn.

September is such a glorious month!

All Are Welcome

Sunday, September 1, 2013


I nearly broke out in laughter today when I attended a service of the local Metropolitan Community Church.  But it wasn't a "bad" form of laughter.  Instead, I almost burst into laughter because I was reminded of a seminal quote from the movie Poltergeist.  For those of you too young to recall Poltergeist was a horror film of the early 1980s that made many a young child scared of that dark region underneath beds.  The film also likely singlehandedly sent the success of clown visits to birthday parties down at least a few percentage points.

In this still classic movie the very short medium, Tangina Barrons, says "all are welcome" when exhorting children to find peace and serenity in the light.  Tangina was called upon to assist a family whose young daughter disappeared into another dimension populated by spirits.  I thought of this quote today because the music in the service I attended featured that same phrase of "all are welcome".

I have decided it is high time that I explore different spiritual communities here in the Twin Cities.  I am not convinced it is wise for me to return and actively sing in a chorus I first joined back in January.  I experienced some unfortunate and excessive stress in June of this year when I made my sentiments known regarding another member whose behavior I have found to be less than appropriate on more than one occasion.  This particular chorus, composed of all men, was something I had looked forward to being a member of before I moved to the Twin Cities last year.  I would like to be a part of a community in which all are truly welcome.

From what I understand so far MCC focuses on the teachings of Jesus Christ to some degree.  I do not yet understand much of the history of MCC; I first learned of its existence years ago when I lived in California.  Though I was raised Catholic I am not sure I believe that the historical person of Jesus Christ ever existed.  And so I presently feel a bit conflicted as to whether attending MCC services in the future aligns with my own belief system.  I came away with a positive impression based on the service I attended today.  I plan to attend again next Sunday.

The service featured different songs throughout its duration.  One piece of wisdom remains in my thoughts now.  It was expressed in the following: "Don't judge each day by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant."  It was consoling to read this.  Lately it seems all I do is plant seeds that I hope will one day grow in the future.  Throughout this summer I have focused on laying a solid foundation such that my health never again becomes as problematic as it has been in recent weeks and months.  Now, as summer begins its inevitable fade to autumn, I feel myself finally climbing out of the morass of grief and pain I have felt throughout the summer.  What continues to prove challenging is the fact that much of my outer reality still does not seem to be improving.  But emphasis should be placed on the word "seem".  Again I must remember the wisdom of the words I quoted.  Long before there is obvious growth the seeds we plant are busy underneath the surface laying a foundation of roots necessary for them to thrive later on.

Tomorrow I am taking a break from everything I have been doing to restore my health.  I will not go to the gym.  I probably will not even do physical therapy.  My body needs some time to recuperate.  And so does my mind.  I have made excellent progress.  It's time to reward myself for my discipline.

I will write again on Tuesday!

The Wonders of Diagnosis

Saturday, August 31, 2013


Yesterday did not unfold quite as I had expected.  I had scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist at Allina Health to provide a second opinion on the PTSD diagnosis that I received in late June from my current therapist (who happens to be a clinical social worker).  The evaluation session was not quite what I had imagined or hoped for.

I had understood my appointment would be for ninety minutes.  Some time into the session I was informed it was actually scheduled to be sixty minutes in length.  The doctor ultimately gave me ninety minutes of her time (which I appreciated).  I did not find her methodology for taking a general mental health history to be very straightforward or especially thorough.  Given my complex past history it can take quite a while to describe it to the most intelligent and focused of people.  I did not even describe all the events in my early life which I found to be especially stressful.  I certainly was willing to do so and yet the conversation did not evolve in such a way that seemed to really emphasize the importance of sufficient thoroughness.

The one "win" I did take away from the session was the input of someone who essentially could be completely objective about my relationship with my father.  My sense of the doctor's impression of my circumstances is there is little benefit to be gained by attempting to have an active relationship with my father.  Because my father does not give me the depth of emotional support I am looking for it would be wise for me to cease and desist spending my precious energy trying to obtain something I am never likely to get.  This input at least proved helpful.

I did not find the doctor's final recommendation especially helpful though.  Her recommendation was that I consider undergoing psychoanalysis.  This would be an intensive process where I would meet with an analyst several times a week for what could ultimately be a few years.  I am not convinced this would ultimately prove to be a healthy course of action.  And here is why I feel this way.

It has been my experience that some forms of therapy can actually prove to eventually be of little benefit over a longer period of time.  Talk therapy, which I did with two psychiatrists previously, is a great example.  I believe there can be great value in talk therapy as a way of identifying your core issues and then developing a strategy to resolve them.  And yet eventually if all you ever do is continue to talk about your problems that is all you will ever have because that is where you are focusing your attention.  What you put your attention on will grow.  If all you ever think about are your problems then that is what will fill your consciousness and devour your attention.  How can your problems ultimately vanish if all you continue to do is fixate on them?  If you look at a wall painted blue all day long what will you experience?  You will experience a blue wall.

My experience of EMDR therapy thus far convinces me that continuing to utilize this technique could continue to produce excellent results.  I already feel much better in only two months of work with my current therapist.  In the short term I believe the best course of action I can take is to continue the work I am doing with my therapist, take the Resilience Training program which begins next week at the Penny George Institute, continue to reduce stress in my life wherever possible, continue to refine my exercise regimen, find venues in which I find healthy men who are committed to living full lives and focus on moving my career in the new direction of wilderness therapy and ecotourism.

Last night I used a process my therapist introduced to me to seek clarity and calm.  I definitely found some relief and insight.  I followed one of my insights and awoke early this morning to make a prayer and offering to Orion.  Orion is a prominent constellation we see in the early evening hours in winter.  This time of year he can be found fairly high in the eastern sky at dawn.  I asked for help to access the warrior inside of me.  I need the discipline, power and prowess of the warrior archetype in my life.  I have found that energy within me as I walk this path of healing.  What a journey it is.

I am still a bit baffled as to what to make of the diagnosis the psychiatrist provided yesterday.  I suppose it will prove to be more fodder for me to process when I see my therapist on Monday.  I am a highly intuitive person; something I can confidently state is that I didn't feel much heart based warmth in that meeting yesterday.  I need people in my life who live a healthy balance between heart and mind.  The Resilience Training program I will be starting next week cannot come a moment too soon!

A Gentle Breeze to Bid August Farewell

Friday, August 30, 2013


I feel extremely grateful that a deck of low clouds is shading the Twin Cities from the sun.  We've had a respectable heat wave for days.  Now a north wind is blowing and announcing that autumn is coming soon.  The rapidly shortening days are another herald of the fact that the great wheel of the seasons is now turning.  I am actually starting to feel enthusiastic about the coming of autumn.

The extreme dedication I have made to my own recovery has been like a season unto itself.  Just as summer will soon end and a new season begin so will my initiatory phase of my healing process soon end.  I am indeed wading deep into the muck of the psychic pain I have carried around for too long.  I am most certainly in the thick of it now.  Some days the journey through the quagmire of unexpressed sadness, anger, resentment, confusion and pain seems like a lost cause.  Other days I seem to find my footing with a consistent grace that nearly baffles me.  Or perhaps it is the iron clad will I am bringing to this "self restoration" project that perplexes me even more.  I became a strong person even as a young child and young man due to the many unfortunate and unwanted experiences I had.  I am appreciating that strength more and more.  With each day that I awaken and follow my daily regimen of self care with firm, unwavering discipline (much like the loving reverence a priest will show to his altar and church) I find myself gradually believing in myself more and more.  My inner knowing is growing; I know I will find myself in my own version of the "promised land" in due time.  It's just that time factor that still irks me.

Today may be the most important day yet in my healing process.  In a few short hours I will be meeting with a psychiatrist here at Abbott Hospital who specializes in the issue of PTSD.  I deliberately sought out a second opinion because I want to have the substantive weight of a psychiatrist's evaluation to be able to reference in the near future when I finally confront my father (yet again) and make it clear to him our relationship is over unless he agrees to mediation with an objective third party mediator.  After I make my final communication to him in the coming week I will stand resolute in my demand for mediation.  I have been flexible and respectful as much as possible.  I do not feel the same measure of respect has been returned to me.

It has become clear through my efforts to pursue legal consultation throughout this month that I would very likely not be perceived to have a viable case against my father were I to attempt to take him to court.  It is not even my first preference to use such an option were it in fact open to me.  But I was adamant about exhausting all possible avenues to obtain relief and justice for myself.  At least now I can look back later in life and not wonder what might have happened if I had looked into all possibilities.  I intend to live a life with minimal regrets from now on.

My previous depressive affect is now indeed truly gone.  There are moments when I slip into deep sadness (as I did yesterday after reading about the devastation of Fukushima in Japan that may indeed really, truly and astonishingly poison much of the Pacific in the next decade) but thankfully the sadness does not fester and metastasize into depression.  Actually I think it would be almost unreasonable to expect that the depression would not have lifted by now considering how much I have been doing to vaporize it.  The endorphins I am releasing on a nearly daily basis due to my exercise regimen consistently help me to clear and relax my mind.  The predominant emotion I am now aware of feeling is anger.  It's the anger I felt (but so often did not express) due to so many injustices that accumulated in my psyche much like the radioactive isotopes are accumulating in the waters of the Pacific Ocean.  Despite the unfortunate state of much of the world I am growing increasingly hopeful about the range of opportunities possible for my own future life.

And so here is the count: I have two more appointments scheduled with my acupuncturist; he will reassess me after my tenth visit next week.  I have two more visits to my physical therapist.  I will likely be released from appointments after that.  And then I have my ongoing appointments with my therapist.  How many more of those will I have?  Dozens it would seem.  But I am so much better off than I was.

As a gift to myself in honor of my upcoming watershed birthday moment I am attending the 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference in September.  It will provide me a great opportunity to get away and enjoy the wondrous healing power of nature.  I have wanted to get out of the city on at least one trip to the virtual equivalent of wilderness before the cooler winds of autumn themselves pass away and Old Man Winter announces his return.

I literally do not think I could have worked harder to restore my health this month.  I am proud of my dedication.  With focus, will, support and endurance you can indeed accomplish great things!

We Had To Destroy The Village In Order To Save It

Thursday, August 29, 2013

I thought of the title for my posting today after reading a story about the devastating impact of the Fukushima disaster in Japan.  It is apparently much worse than most people know.  But before I speak about that below appears the apparent origin of the phrase I used as my title.  This is taken from lovely Wikipedia:

A famous quote from the Vietnam War was a statement attributed to an unnamed U.S. officer by AP correspondent Peter Arnett in his writing about Bến Tre city on 7 February 1968:

"It became necessary to destroy the town to save it', a United States major said today. He was talking about the decision by allied commanders to bomb and shell the town regardless of civilian casualties, to rout the Vietcong."

The quote became distorted in subsequent publications, eventually becoming the more familiar, "We had to destroy the village in order to save it." Victor Hanson, writing for the conservative National Review Online, has called into question the accuracy of the original quote and its source.

I thought of this quote today because I often wonder if we humans as a species will nearly destroy the entire planet before we actually take sufficient steps to conserve it for future generations (you know...the people who will be born after the year 2100).  The source of the article I read today can be found here.

Make sure you have not had anything at all to eat when you start reading.  I actually cried after reading this...though not immediately.  No, my immediate reaction was to have a case of "deer in the headlights".  I could not think clearly and I stared off into the distance for a while.  It's stories like these that could activate anyone's PTSD...and that is why I am writing about it here.

The Pacific Ocean is by far our largest ocean of the planet.  Over a billion people rely on the ecosystems within the Pacific Ocean to sustain them with important fish protein.  If this article is even somewhat correct in depicting the severity of the continuing leakage of radiation from Fukushima we may very well experience a massive food crisis if these ecosystems begin collapsing.  It boggles my mind to imagine the scale of this.

I know something about the Pacific Ocean and ocean policy because I previously studied at the Monterey Institute of International Studies in beautiful Monterey, California.  Earlier in its history Monterey was a community with a large canning industry.  It actually served as inspiration for the book Cannery Row.  While attending school at the Monterey Institute of International Studies I worked for the Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary, the Otter Project and the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch Program.  The Seafood Watch Program works to promote a sustainable seafood industry throughout the United States.  I can hardly conceive of what is going to transpire over the next decade due to the disaster in Japan.  I actually do not want to imagine what the full range of consequences may be.

Take a moment to watch the computer simulation of the gradual dispersal of radioactive water across the entire Pacific Ocean through the year 2020.  I marvel at our species' capacity for self-destructive behavior.  Never in my life have such beautiful colors caused me such horror.  It especially pains me to imagine what may unfold because I lived in California for several years and have also traveled to Hawaii for education and pleasure. Watching the waters around Hawaii turn a sickly magenta in the simulation nearly made me sick to my stomach.  Hawaii alone contains such amazing beauty.  Between the tsunami generated marine debris now drifting through the Pacific Ocean and the radioactive water that is now also dispersing it horrifies me to think what this may do to the economy of Hawaii...and its many people.  This is just another classic example of what the environmental policy world would label a "transboundary issue".  Though the disaster originated in Japan people throughout the entire Pacific Basin are going to be affected...likely for years.  The sadness I feel is immense.

Stories like these are perfect examples of why I hesitate to follow the news these days.  It's all so sad and depressing.  The Arctic is rapidly melting and the Pacific is being contaminated 30 MONTHS after the Japanese tsunami.  It's like the Pacific Ocean version of Chernobyl.  Stories like these also just cement my deeply held conviction that we need a revolution in how humanity conceives of itself and the planet upon which we depend.  We are collectively engaged in an unsustainable lifestyle of extraordinary consumption that has no long term future.  And the sooner we get off our road to perdition the better what future we leave to our children will be.

Another reason I am motivated to reference the Fukushima disaster is to also point to it as an example of the destructive power of lies.  Media apathy (or complicity in covering up disasters) is unfortunate and all too common.  And yet covering up a disaster as expansive as this one just exacerbates the consequences.  Collective trust is undermined and even destroyed when the primary institutions of a nation will not tell the citizenry the truth.  Trauma of a scale like what the Japanese people have endured can only be inflamed all the more when your own government cannot be trusted to tell you the complete truth about something as horrific as a nuclear reactor meltdown.

As for me and as for tonight I need to log off.  My sorrow is as deep and wide as the Pacific Ocean whose beautiful expanses I remember so fondly.  May we all wake up and start loving one another.

Good night.

Vision

Wednesday, August 28, 2013 (composed the next day)


I went to bed last night consciously aware of the fact that I did not post an entry yesterday.  Thankfully the well is beginning to fill up again.  I am speaking in metaphor here; I mean the well of my own internal energy is filling once more.

During my trip to Germany in May of this year I experienced some blurred vision.  I was intrigued and a little anxious when I would experience blurring of my long distance vision.  Each time it would happen it would be very temporary; it typically lasted perhaps ten seconds at most.  Over three years ago I had laser correction surgery to correct my very near-sighted vision.  In February of this year, as part of a screening for a job, my vision was tested.  My vision was measured at 20/17...better than 20/20!  This was very gratifying.  And knowing my vision was so good as recently as February made it all the more concerning when I began having blurred vision in May.

The blurred vision phenomenon has persisted throughout the summer.  I still cannot fully understand what is going on.  I notice it only tends to occur immediately after I have been exerting myself in some form of exercise at the YMCA or getting about on my bike.  And usually it clears in about ten seconds at most.  I also notice different forms of indoor lighting are apt to affect me to some degree.  I spoke to my doctor about this issue earlier this summer.  Routine screening showed nothing to be concerned about.

Upon beginning therapy in June of this year I began noticing a different phenomenon after I would do a session featuring EMDR.  Upon walking out into the world at large I would notice my vision was incredibly clear.  When I use the words "incredibly clear" I mean so clear that it seems I have some sort of superhero vision like what Superman would enjoy.  The world would appear as vivid and colorful as what you would see in the best Disney movies.  I have marveled at this phenomenon.

My most recent session with my therapist again featured EMDR.  And yet again I left the session and walked into a world that was stunningly vivid.  And yet it was something I said in that most recent session that now stands out most in my recollection.  During the process of EMDR I am repeatedly asked to describe where in my body I feel certain sensations and feelings.  At one point yesterday I located certain feelings as being behind my eyes.  This was news to me.  I have been wondering, especially since this most recent session, about the impact of stress on our literal eyesight as well as our more metaphorical (but no less real) psychological or metaphysical vision.  As I continue my therapy I realize that my vision for my own future life is continuing to clarify.  I am starting to "see" that which I wish to do in the future.

In my past professional life I have spent a lot of time sitting in front of computers for a variety of purposes.  Though personal computers will always be vital to my life in the future I have made the firm decision that my future work needs to feature a lot of time looking at beautiful things other than computers.  There is nothing quite like the fearful thought of "Why is my vision blurring? Could I be going blind?" to stoke a renewed appreciation for the beauty of having vision and what that allows you to experience.  I can't recall ever appreciating trees, clouds, the color green and so on as much as I do now.  And I pray I am not losing my vision.  I will be seeing my doctor again next month for a follow up regarding my eyesight.

Finding My Tribe

Tuesday, August 27, 2013


It's a very sultry night.  Earlier this evening I went to the building that houses the Twin Cities Men's Center.  I had learned about a gay men's support group offered by TCMC through a contact I have at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I was hoping I might find a group that could be of help to me in my ongoing therapeutic work.  I sat out in the hallway and read a bi-monthly bulletin published by TCMC. As time passed I would look up every so often when men would approach the entrance and walk inside.  I wasn't sure the group would be a fit for me.  As more time passed I noticed most of the men were much older than me.  I felt less and less inclined to attend.  Eventually I left.  I might try attending a different group that is offered on Friday evenings.

Finding support that will prove a match to your own individual needs can be quite a challenge.  One "win" I did take away from the evening was a listing of upcoming events contained in the bulletin that might offer me some better leads.  The 29th Annual Minnesota Men's Conference is coming up in September.  The title of the conference this year is Dark Talks with Screeching Pines: Why Men Listen to Nature's Voices.  This title immediately grabbed my attention.  This is not surprising given my love of nature and my studies in international environmental policy.  Depending on the particular offerings within the conference I might try to get away and attend part of it.  It would be so nice to get out of Minneapolis for a time before autumn begins in earnest (though it still seems so far away considering it was 95F and humid today).

I went to physical therapy today and was pleased to be called a "model patient" by my physical therapist.  My progress has been so good that I should be essentially done with physical therapy visits in another two weeks.  I am now beginning to prepare to transition to the Resilience Training program offered through the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  I was lucky enough to get my initial intake appointment with the holistic psychiatrist who works within the training on Thursday of this week.  The momentum is building.

My well of creative thought and inspiration still seems to be running a bit dry lately.  I sit down to write in my blog and I struggle a bit for an engaging topic.  From what I know it is not uncommon for writers to have dry periods throughout their creative careers.  Perhaps a majority of my creative power needs to remain within me as I steadily restore my health.  I continue to feel better and better each day.

September doesn't look to be much less demanding in terms of my recovery work.  One major difference is that I have begun to establish a rhythm of exercise and other activities.  Having such a structure in place is vital to my own healing.  I wake up in the mornings now and feel I have several places to go that nurture my body and mind.

That Wondrous Detail Called Timing

Monday, August 26, 2013


Today I began to make my first active efforts to send out feelers into the world of ecotourism and wilderness therapy.  I changed my career focus after the unexpected developments of June of this year. I am happy to be moving in a new direction.  Casting seeds is always an important step in any new venture.

Speaking of casting seeds it is incredibly warm even with the sky now darkening.  If I didn't have a calendar to reference I would not believe that September was only a week away.  The hottest weather of the year has arrived now.  I have planted many metaphorical seeds these last many weeks to improve my health.  I am now starting to see great results.  On some level I feel very grateful that I went through the process I have these last two months during the summer season.  Restructuring my life and making my way to countless medical appointments in the heart of winter would have been another experience altogether!

Timing has also been on my mind because it sometimes feels as if I am dealing with a multitude of issues all at the same time.  Or at least I am trying my best to deal with many challenges simultaneously.  It's no wonder I experienced a state of psychological overwhelm in June.  Too many things were brewing all at once.  I awoke to find myself engulfed in a perfect storm of change and demands I was not expecting to experience.

I have plenty of good news to celebrate.  My knee is in good condition.  My lower back is also finally much better.  I will be done with my physical therapy in about two weeks.  And I only have two more acupuncture appointments before I will be reassessed.  It's been a long journey.  And I am making it through.

I suppose I am in a bit of a writing dry patch.  I cannot think of anything more creative to report than my own progress.

Good night.

The Great Adventure

Saturday, August 24, 2013


For many people recovery proceeds in nothing like a straight line.  There are high points and low points, unexpected developments, pleasant surprises and then the background daily movement which sometimes feels like moving through a quagmire.  Today I have a bit of a case of the "blahs".

I feel grief because it has become highly apparent that I seem to have very little hope of pursuing actionable legal recourse regarding the abuse I experienced in my childhood.  As I understand it many a lawyer would interpret a case possibility such as mine by crunching the financial numbers to determine the likelihood of an outcome that would make their efforts worthwhile.  Given my particular case it seems the desired outcome might prove quite elusive.

I am also aware of feeling an immense amount of frustration and anger.  I find myself in this situation in part because I have not had sufficient healthy male mentoring in my life.  I made reference to this in my post from yesterday.  Though I have enjoyed the great honor of finding some amazing men as mentors and friends as an adult man I unfortunately did not have such luck as a child.  And the limitations of that time still impact me now on occasion.  It's only recently that my hunger for healthy masculine energy has thoroughly erupted into my waking consciousness.

So now my great adventure is to recover the authentic masculine as a part of my healing journey.  I have begun looking for resources here in the Twin Cities to help me with this aspect of my needs.  It is partly a result of my dissatisfaction with a certain chorus group I joined that I am now looking elsewhere and broadening my horizons.  It would be unwise for me to fail to look extensively at other possibilities.

In my next post I will write more about one of the deities from ancient tribal tradition who was omnipresent to me during my visit to Germany in May of this year.

Healthy Male Models

Friday, August 23, 2013


I did not choose my title for today's entry to advocate models like what you would expect to find at an underwear modeling photo shoot.  Yet I certainly appreciate handsome male models as much as the next gay man.  When I speak of models here I refer to examples of healthy men and healthy masculinity.  I was reminded of my hunger for such examples today when I attended a brief workshop in Uptown.

As seems to happen so very often I was yet again the only man who attended the workshop; I was in a circle surrounded by women.  Those who have known me for a long time and who also know me well know that I worked through my issues of wounding from women in my life many years ago.  What is predominant in my awareness now is my desire for healthy men in my life.  And I am almost always reminded of this hunger when I end up being the only man in a room with a group of women.  Such experiences also just reinforce my opinion that there is indeed a crisis of masculinity in the United States today.  So many men who hold positions of power in this country display little if any moral compass.  Examples of such morally bankrupt men abound in Congress, in industry and so on.  And I for one am fed up with how men are living out their lives in this nation.

While participating in this workshop this morning I could easily feel the deep yearning I have for more authentic men in my life.  And I realize that is a fundamental part of my issue I have with my father; the times he has failed to follow a path of integrity in his own life have caused me disappointment and sadness.  There are many ways sons may feel disappointed by their fathers.  Fathers sometimes deceive their sons.  Mine did.  Fathers in this American culture (and especially those of my father's generation) often do not have much skill in expressing anger and other intense emotions in a healthy way.  Men in this culture still walk around with many wounds due to unhealthy expectations that to be a man means to hide strong feelings.  I've reflected on these issues before.  I have even written about this principle issue of masculinity here on my blog in earlier posts.  It's obviously a seminal issue considering how I come back to it again and again.

Today I also had a deeper realization of what caused my PTSD to be triggered when I came back from Germany in June.  I was feeling grief after visiting my birthmother and learning that she now has a degree of dementia in addition to her schizophrenia.  I felt a desire to share my pain and grief with people who love me as I needed such support to help me stay healthy.  I wanted to be able to discuss it with my father.  But he is too enmeshed in his own issues to offer me much undivided attention.  And thus, just as happened when I was a child, I again feel the frustration of having a father who is not sufficiently emotionally available to meet my basic needs.  This has been a lifelong theme for me.  Despite my desire to break the pattern it seems I will only become enmeshed in it each and every time I interact with my father.  It thus has become clear to me that I need to not expect anything of real substance from him.  And that clarity has caused me additional grief.

It is obvious to me now that I must cultivate my own healthy masculinity without looking to my father for any additional guidance or support.  I can heal and move forward without him.  And yet it saddens me when I consider just how deeply my needs were so often not met in the past.

Men need to learn how to feel and express pain in this culture.  Our national governance may be a mess.  There may be seemingly endless squabbling about federal spending and future government debt.   These are very real crises and must be addressed.  But there is another crisis among so many.  There is the deficit of healthy masculinity in this nation.  It is sad.  And we need to have a national conversation about this issue as well.

Another Productive Day

Thursday, August 22, 2013

In the journey of healing there are days that feature major breakthroughs.  Then there are other days that are equally important but of a seemingly less remarkable nature.  Today fit in the latter category.

I had my follow up appointment this morning to have my left knee reassessed.  I was pleased to receive such positive input; my doctor encouraged me to follow up in about eight weeks if there is a need to do so.  Because my progress has been so good I am now nearly done with my physical therapy focused specifically on my knee and hip.  It's great to see I am making such excellent progress in my recovery.  Tomorrow morning I will have my follow up appointment at the Institute for Low Back and Neck Care.  This is also a reassessment appointment.  After I'm done with that appointment it appears I will be on the downhill slide to completing my rehabilitative work focused on my physical health.  Whew!

Today was also the fifth day in a row I dutifully attended classes at my local YMCA.  I have made a commitment to myself to never again let my health deteriorate as much as it did in the last year.  It's as if  I was caught in a chaotic tornado for a long while and I simply could not calm down.  Now that I am receiving ongoing treatment specific for my PTSD I am confident that in time I will not only recover but will attain a quality of health I have not previously enjoyed.  I look forward to those days that I intend to one day see in the relatively near future.

It's amazing what can happen when you are willing to tear down all the facets of your life that no longer serve you and begin to craft a new foundation.  The last two months I have essentially been creating a new foundation.  It's quite an energy intensive process.

This evening, as I was preparing to go to sleep, I was able to consciously recognize more fully what my greatest fear now is.  My greatest fear is getting caught up again in what I would call the "trance of trauma".  As I continue to move in the direction of greater and greater balance in my own life I can look back and see how utterly imbalanced my life was for so long.  I had given my time for free in the hope of making a new career for myself for much too long (since 2011).  My generosity to others was so great that I began hurting myself in the process.  And I wasn't even that conscious of how deeply imbalanced my life was!  I was indeed caught in something like a trance.

On some level I feel I became predisposed to this imbalance (giving to others versus care of self) at a very early age.  When my mother began to suffer her schizophrenic breakdown there was no escape for me.  And there was no easy way for my father to respond; my father had to deal with her breakdown and in the process I feel that I did not receive enough energy to develop in a completely healthy way.  This doesn't mean that I am permanently warped now. And it doesn't mean I cannot heal.  What I do believe is that a fundamental part of my short term recovery must include cultivating a deep mindfulness of that fine balance between self and others.  I need to immerse myself in deep self-care.  In doing so I will continue to successfully walk the path of healing.

A Huge Leap Forward: One Major Symptom Is Gone

Wednesday, August 21, 2013


Today was the type of day that gave me high octane encouragement to keep pressing forward in my healing journey.  I had two very encouraging developments.

After my core conditioning class at the Y I noticed that a certain feeling was gone from within me.  I am still feeling a lot of sadness, anger and frustration.  And yet the feeling of depression is gone now.  As soon as I realized the difference in my interior world I rejoiced.  My efforts to improve my health are now paying off.  Having experienced a major depressive episode at an earlier time in my life I can confidently say that there are many affects I would prefer to have compared to that of a depressive one. It's not at all fun to be angry, sad or feel very hurt but at least these states are conditions in which there is a more active energy inside.  Depression, at least to me, has felt like a hollow, frozen, low energy state in which motion itself is difficult to generate.  I'm finally coming out of this darker, more concerning type of affect.

The second development later in the day just reinforced my already growing feeling of encouragement. I learned that the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing awarded me a full scholarship to cover the cost of participating in the Institute's eight week long Resilience Training program.  The program will begin in two weeks.  It features training in formulating an appropriate exercise program, nutritional counseling and mental health support.  I am so excited to be able to participate in this training.  For some time now I have felt that my social support system has not been adequate to my needs.  This program will give me quite the "shot in the arm" to enhance my growth.


I am also encouraged by the fact that I always feel so much better the day after I do a session with my therapist that includes EMDR.  My eyesight always seems especially vivid on the days immediately following such sessions.  It feels as if I am waking up to a new life.

I also went to physical therapy today.  I am finally starting to feel a degree of strength in my body that I have not felt for some time now.  If anything I need to be cautious to not overdo it rather than be concerned about not working hard enough to reinvigorate my health.  There are some days when I have done an hour long class at the YMCA and then I turn around and also do an hour of physical therapy.  That can be a lot to demand of the body!

Tomorrow will be a good day as well.  I am scheduled to meet with a physician from Hennepin County Medical Center in the morning.  I look forward to the dialogue we will have.

Life is getting better all the time!

I Think I Am Getting Hooked on EMDR

Tuesday, August 20, 2013


I had another session with my therapist today.  After doing a check-in regarding current events we plunged into some old psychic material using the wonder of EMDR.  I have to say I am starting to really appreciate the power of this technique.  Every time I leave a session in which my therapist uses EMDR the world looks wondrously crisp and alive.  It's amazing how vivid the world looks.  The full moon in the sign of Aquarius was lighting up the sky as I made my way home tonight.  The light of the moon mingling with the light of streetlights, homes and cars made for an interesting collage of imagery.

It's amazing how my amazement and appreciation for the EMDR technique continues to grow.  Today I found myself wondering if there is some device that mimics the pulses I experience in the EMDR process that I could use to produce a similar result.  I have also noticed that I feel calmer, more centered and more able to withstand the impact of negative thoughts after completing EMDR sessions.

I am grateful for the personal work I have done thus far.  I am also very grateful for the health insurance that is making my work possible.  I feel blessed to live in a progressive state like Minnesota where you can actually afford to have health insurance even as a low income person.

I spoke with my therapist today about going back to work in October.  This seems to be a realistic goal.  I also went to physical therapy today; my physical therapist is pleased with my progress as I continue to strengthen my body.  As one aspect of my health improves it will enable the other issues I have been working through to resolve more quickly as well.  The PTSD diagnosis caused me to reevaluate many aspects of my life.  I now want to move in a new direction with my career.  I plan to do some brainstorming for my career this coming weekend.  As I desire to do something much more physical it is timely that I am committing so much time and energy to attending classes at the YMCA.  I am also excited to sign up for an eight week class with a trainer at the Y who has a great background in personal training.

At the same time I do still feel the weight of sadness as I prepare to make adjustments to my relationship with my father.  I love my father dearly.  And yet I need to change the nature of our relationship.  I'm finally committed to breaking free of unhealthy patterns I have been enmeshed in for far too long.


I have been noticing recently that my viewership of my blog has been dropping off throughout August. I wonder how much can be attributed to the August vacation season and how much might be due to people feeling bored with what I am writing about.  In the near future I might finally open up my blog to comments from other people.  Thus far I felt the need to protect myself by insulating myself from the possibility of commentary.  Now that I am stronger and my outlook is improving I can imagine allowing the world into my blog-realm a little more.  More details on that soon!

Deeper and Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole

Monday August 19, 2013


As I continue my healing process I continue to marvel at how much energy it requires of me.  I also continue to marvel at how every day I am successfully showing up again and again to do the work that is necessary for me to ultimately find a deeper, more resilient level of health and peace.  It's even more amazing how well I am doing when I consider how tenuous my current social support system is.  Events from this past weekend are an unfortunate reminder of this.  No man is an island...and no person should have to go through an arduous recovery process alone.  Thankfully I am reaching out for support and finding my way along.  I wouldn't wish what I am going through on anyone.  This even includes certain people in my life outside of my blood family who have seriously disappointed me with their unkind, cruel or unethical behavior.

I met with my therapist today and told him about events since our last session.  I have made the difficult yet necessary choice to no longer interact with my father without the assistance of another person or persons who can be objective and assist me with communication.  My relationship with my father reached what I would call the point of no return this weekend.  I documented this in my last posting from Saturday.  People are always and forever the children of their parents but that does not mean that you must adhere to the ideas and proclivities of your parents or grandparents once you are an adult.  True adult maturity implies the ability to make healthy choices, set boundaries and decide when you do not feel comfortable with the conduct of another person or group.  If we collectively did only what our parents did we would never have evolved and developed over the centuries.  Evolution requires creativity, risk and a willingness to dream of something bigger than what was previously known and believed to be possible.  I wish to evolve and become a healthier person.  And sometimes evolution is a painful process.

I also had the pleasure of meeting with someone from the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing here in Minneapolis.  I submitted an application for an eight week long Resilience Training program offered through the Institute.  I feel quite confident I will be selected for the program given the depth of my need, my past commitment to serving humanity (as demonstrated in my resume) and the current preponderance of evidence I can cite showing my commitment to my recovery.  I feel very happy to be so proactive.  I intend to remain stalwart in my commitment to the restoration of my health.
I should hear about the status of my application by the end of this week.

My final noteworthy effort of the day was my outreach to the Texas Department of Health and Human Services.  Given what I experienced as a child (as noted in my recent post in which I included a piece of correspondence I submitted to Parkland Hospital) I believe it should be mandatory that hospital emergency room and trauma care environments be required to do psychiatric consults on any patient admitted to such an environment in which they are suffering a life threatening injury that is specifically attributable to domestic violence and/or attempted murder.  And I feel this is especially justified in cases in which the injured person has children.  Were this to be a uniform policy it might help prevent future cases of children going through what I did.  Considering how backwards I believe Texas can be compared to many other states in the nation I am skeptical that such a law might pass the Legislature there if it is not law already.  But I can dream nonetheless.  All I can do is offer my voice and my opinion and then stand back and see what happens.

I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel regarding my physical therapy.  Some time in September I should be done with the process.  Gradually, over the course of days and weeks, I am improving.  And once I am finally done it is my intention to never again go through what I am enduring now.  Obviously I cannot control the world or what tomorrow will bring.  But I can do my best to make my life better.  I sleep well at night with how much effort I exert every day to restore my health.

Sigh

Saturday, August 17, 2013


Well yet again I am surprised.  And when I think about it I am surprised that I am surprised for it seems if the past is any indication I should not be (surprised).

My father called me today.  He agreed to call me this weekend in response to my request for the opportunity to enter into mediation with him.  I made my mediation request this past week by email.  He then called me and we had an unplanned conversation about it.  He was very opposed to the idea.

When he called today he made no mention of my request for mediation.  I did not bring it up because I wanted to see if he would actually make a positive or negative response to my request.  Rather than acknowledge my recent request he instead offered me some financial assistance.  He also probed a bit about my recent health issues.  But he never brought up my interest in mediation.

Several hours later I still do not know what to think.  I genuinely wonder if my father is developing memory problems.  Perhaps he has always had them to some degree.  Or perhaps he is deliberately avoiding the subject of mediation in the hope that I will drop the matter like I did last year.  I am more inclined to think the latter explanation is the correct one.  And I would also rather believe the second one is correct.

What transpired today is all too familiar.  Rather than have an authentic conversation my relationship with my father consists of monetary transactions.  But this is not what I most need.  I need him to understand the circumstances of my health.  I need him to provide me emotional support while I go through the process of improving my health.  When I look at what took place in the most negative frame of mind possible I feel as if my father is attempting to buy me off.  It would seem he is attempting to buy my silence so I will acquiesce and leave long unresolved issues unresolved even longer.

I didn't bring up the idea of mediation because I am simply too tired.  I did not want to risk another heated "conversation" (though it often felt more like a monologue) over the phone with a man whom I no longer recognize.  I truly do not know if his recent defiance is just his typical stubbornness or if he is now also showing some early signs of mental health issues of his own.  If indeed my father has untreated PTSD from thirty years ago (as I believe he does) it would seem to me that this untreated condition may begin to manifest as more severe symptoms in his later years of life.  I simply cannot be sure.

What has become clear is that I have reached the point of no return.  I am no longer willing to continue to feel the anxiety of wondering what is going on in my father's own mind.  Seeking closure by sending him an email and then asking him to confirm he has read it is not sufficient.  He might lie about reading it.  Writing a letter and sending that to him seems equally fruitless.  It seems somehow I must have a conversation with him in some context that will provide me the satisfaction of knowing he clearly knows what my thoughts and feelings are.  It is not necessary that he agree with my thoughts and feelings.  I simply need to somehow communicate with him so he knows what I think and feel.  But how will I do that?  That is my question of the day.

The fork in the road I wrote of the other day has come and gone.  I now can see it behind me.  I must find some way to closure if that is possible.  I am just not sure how to do that.  This work is going to require the guidance of my therapist.  It's good that I am seeing him on Monday again.

What Summer?

Friday, August 16, 2013


It is now mid August and I have been scratching my head wondering whatever happened to summer.  Having grown up in Texas I can say that a Minnesota summer does not overly test the soul.  You can actually open your windows on more than a few nights and not find yourself gasping for air or overcome by night sweats that have nothing to do with your own internal body temperature.  And this has been especially true for this summer.  We have had many a night when the temperature has been in the 50s.  That is unusual for July and early August.  It has been easy to ask myself "This is summer?"

I have also found myself thinking "What summer?" in regards to another summer.  That was the summer of 1982.  The only vivid memory I have from that summer derives from the morning in early June in which I learned my father had been shot and nearly killed.  After that day the whole of the summer is essentially a blank to me.  I cannot recall what I did day to day, if I hung out more than usual with any of my friends of the time and so on.  I do not have many memories until the autumn of 1983.  It's as if my brain went into some sort of hibernation mode for a little over a year.  I spoke of the concept of halcyon days in a recent posting.  I wish I could recall more halcyon days from the time I was eight years old.  I just cannot.

As for the present moment it does indeed seem that I am continuing to move forward in my healing process.  Yesterday I had an encouraging conversation with a woman who works at the Penny George Institute for Health and Healing.  Earlier this week I learned of a program called Resilience Training offered at Penny George.  The program offers assistance in developing skills and knowledge in a number of important areas including exercise, nutrition and mindfulness.  Given how tenuous my social support network has felt at times it seemed a very wise idea I consider enrolling in such a program.  On Monday of next week I will go to the Institute for a screening appointment.  I hope to find some way to take part in this program.  I believe it will really help facilitate my healing process.

This morning I completed yet another important process.  My immunization record is finally current.  I updated my tetanus shot and also got the second of three shots to provide protection against Hepatitis A and B.  I will get the final shot next January.

I cannot ever recall being so diligent in my efforts to restore my health.  If I was younger and less mature I might not take the process so seriously.  Yet health, like anything, is a perishable good.  Nothing lasts forever.  I am grateful for the many blessings I still enjoy.  I hope I never take anything in my life for granted again.  Cultivating the spiritual maturity to live in such a way is an ongoing process.

A Fork in the Road - To Be (Suing) or Not To Be (Suing)

Thursday, August 15, 2013


A critical fork in the road of my journey now stands before me.  It became apparent to me last night when I attempted to have a civil and productive conversation with my father.  It did not go well.

One of my primary goals in my life right now is to resolve the outstanding issues I have with my father.  Last month I emailed my father to inform him of my diagnosis of PTSD.  I specifically used email as my means of communication because I wanted to have written documentation of my communications with him.  This seemed a wise course of action in the event that future interactions devolved into something less than civil.  Looking back I am happy I proceeded in this way.  The outcome of my conversation with him last night was less than optimal.  It reinforces my opinion that I should only permit interactions in which there is documentation of what was said.

I made it clear early in our conversation that I preferred to not have a conversation with him by phone.  In fact, I made it more clear than that.  I indicated I wanted any conversation we had to occur within the context of an objective third person party who could help facilitate the interchange.  I also indicated I felt very uncomfortable not adhering to my own wishes in this regard.  Despite my articulation of these sentiments my father probed and asked questions.  My expressed wishes seemed to mean little to him.  It is interactions with him such as these that only reinforce my sense that something is seriously wrong with the way he sees the world.  I have previously articulated to friends and family that I believe my father has an untreated case of PTSD.  Assuming I am correct I can easily believe such an untreated condition would warp his way of relating to the world at large.

On more than one occasion I felt so provoked by my father's stance that it took a lot of my own energy and will to not react in such a way that it would only further exacerbate an already difficult situation.  We concluded our "conversation" by making an agreement that my father would give my request for mediation some more thought.  He agreed to call me this weekend to tell me his final decision.  My intuition is that he is going to remain firm in his opposition.

Having pondered the very real possibility that he will remain resolute in his refusal I have considered what I would do next.  I am inclined to inform him that I would therefore choose not to be a part of his life anymore.  I might even directly tell him not to consider me his son anymore because I would no longer consider him my father.  I suppose I might not even choose to be there for him on the day he dies if it were feasible for me to do so.

There is then the "nuclear option" I have been looking at more recently.  Beyond ending all active interaction I could attempt to press forward with a legal case against him.  I could attempt to pursue damages to force some support for the PTSD treatment I am currently undertaking.  A court case, even if determined viable by a worthy lawyer, could prove extremely costly in time and money.  And then there is the emotional capital I would have to expend in the process.  I might ultimately end up causing more harm to myself than whatever benefit I might derive from such a course of action.  This would be a serious decision I would need some time to contemplate.

I should know this weekend what the fork in the road ultimately is.  Then I will need to decide which path to take.

The following is a letter I composed and submitted online today to the hospital where my father was taken when he was shot.

Parkland Hospital

5201 Harry Hines Blvd.

Dallas, TX 75235

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing in regards to medical treatment my father received in early June, 1982 at Parkland Hospital.  My purpose in writing this letter is to increase my understanding of the standard of care at Parkland Hospital that existed then as well as now.  My reason for wanting to develop said understanding is that I feel it might help me to facilitate and improve my own healing process.  An explanation of my background is necessary.

In June of this year I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I was surprised by this diagnosis.  I have received quality health care from a number of mental health care professionals over the years; I thought my past efforts to take care of my health had been sufficiently robust such that my health was better than it ultimately was.  Thankfully I am in good physical health however.  My PTSD can be attributed primarily to child abuse and endangerment I experienced while under my father’s care.

As I have begun the process of reframing my life in response to my recent diagnosis I have made a number of changes.  One project I have undertaken to cultivate a greater sense of peace is research regarding my own past medical history as well as my father’s medical history.  Despite my desire to look at my father’s medical record I am unable to do so due to legal limitations.

Though I am by no means an expert on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I do feel I have researched it enough to have a basic understanding of its common causes, symptoms and treatment.  My father was brought into Parkland Hospital in early June, 1982 with a gun shot wound to the chest.  According to his recounting to me many years later my father was shot by a teenage boy who was involved in an inappropriate relationship with my stepmother.  The boy shot my father on my stepmother’s behalf.  Prior to the ending of my father’s marriage to my stepmother I experienced significant verbal and physical abuse due to the actions of my older stepsisters.  As I understand from my father’s recounting, the mayor ensured that the police department did not investigate the crime properly which thus allowed my stepmother to evade prosecution.  I have been unable to get a copy of the police report of the incident in question.  However, record of the incident does still exist in a local newspaper dated June 4, 1982.  I have a PDF copy of the newspaper coverage in my possession.

In my opinion, based on my research of PTSD, attempted murder is a highly traumatic event that could easily trigger the development of PTSD.  It has been my opinion for some time now that my father developed PTSD (at some point in his life) no later than the days immediately after the day he was shot, namely June 3, 1982.  He was a member of the Army prior to 1982.  He might have had some experience in the military that proved traumatic that he has never shared with anyone.  I can only speculate in regards to that earlier time in his own life.

Nearly losing my father to such a horrible act is but one traumatic experience in my own personal history that could easily trigger the development of my case of PTSD.  It is also my opinion that my father’s judgment was so clouded by the impact of his near murder that he later made at least one choice that put me at great risk of harm.  I consider it miraculous that I am still alive today given what I experienced in my childhood.

I am contacting Parkland Hospital today, some 31 years later, because I want to find some way to create healthy closure in my own life so I can heal properly and move forward.  I would like to understand what the standard of care was at Parkland Hospital both in 1982 and now in regards to patients brought into the Emergency Room with life threatening injuries in which the injury is a result of domestic violence and/or premeditated attempted murder. In the particular scenario from my own life I believe it would have proven highly beneficial if my father’s emergency room assessment had included some sort of psychiatric consult to determine his state of mind in the wake of the attempt made on his life.  Perhaps such a consult was performed; I do not know the details of his treatment because, as I previously noted, I do not have access to the record of his treatment from this incident.  I also do not trust that any recounting my father might provide me now would be accurate because my father has a history of being dishonest.  I believe an aggressive assessment of his mental health and an insistence that he receive at least some minimal mental health counseling as a pre-condition for his discharge from the hospital might have helped prevent what would follow later on.  I do not understand what exactly was done; I wish that I had more information.  I do not believe he was sufficiently fit to take custody of me again once he was discharged from Parkland Hospital.

My understanding is that very little was known about PTSD in 1982 anywhere in the United States of America.  I know that this diagnostic category was originally conceived as a way to describe symptoms commonly found in military veterans.  I would like to be directed to some resources that could help me to fashion an understanding of what the standard of care is today (and what it was in Texas in 1982) regarding people who enter an emergency room setting with traumatic life threatening injuries in which such injuries are the result of deliberate attempts on their lives.

Naturally it is not clear to me who might be the most knowledgeable person to seek out within Parkland Hospital now in 2013 to answer my questions.  I thought it best for me to start my research by sending a general letter through the hospital’s website.

I appreciate any assistance whatsoever that may be rendered to me in response to my request.

Sincerely,

CW

Blog: http://bcwellkamp.blogspot.com