Friday, September 6, 2013

Planting Many, Many Seeds

Friday, September 6, 2013

It's a little strange to so rigorously be pursuing an activity in my own life which symbolically corresponds to the opposite time of the calendar year.  I am planting many, many "metaphorical" seeds to change the career focus of my life as well as improve the quality of my life.  Such has been my life these last two months as I have begun an unexpected journey of deeper healing.  As summer's power begins to fade and the darker half of the year approaches it seems almost counterintuitive to be engaged in such effort to manifest new life as one expects to witness in spring.

During my session with my therapist yesterday I spoke of the predominant feelings I was having after I had made my decision to finally cease the long running conflict with my father.  My predominant feeling has been one of relief.  This was true yesterday.  And it is still true today.  The sadness and grief feels a bit more intense today.  But I am still breathing.  I am still alive.  I am awake and committed to my own process of recovery.  And I have now invested so much in the process of moving forward that the momentum I have generated to propel myself forward now feels as if it has a life of its own.  Breaking the inertia of patterns that no longer serve can often be a labor intensive process.  I feel I have finally moved beyond that initial phase of my process.  Now has come the time to wade through the deeper, less clear emotional waters.

I am growing increasingly excited about the upcoming 29th annual Minnesota Men's Conference.  While attending my core conditioning class this morning I was again reminded of the virtually voracious appetite I have for healthy male energy; there was a relative dearth of men in the exercise studio.  Thus do I often find myself asking: where are all the men?  Indeed, where are they?

I suppose a healthy goal I can set for myself to work on over the next few weeks is to better identify the nature of the deep loneliness I have felt throughout my life.  It is a painful loneliness made possible in part by the relative lack of healthy male energy in my life.  It is true I have been blessed with many good male friends over the years.  And I am very grateful for them.  It is also true I have been blessed with some lovely men who became intimate companions for varied periods of time.  Again I am grateful.  Yet I still feel very hungry.  I don't know if perhaps this is a symptom of reaching a new stage of maturity in my life but suddenly my priorities are radically shifting and I find myself almost hyperaware of my need for healthy male energy.

In honor of the new moon in my astrological sign of Virgo I did a candle ritual today to ask all those things which do not serve me to leave my life.  I have made such a particular request at other times in my life and witnessed some very amazing results.  It brings to mind that saying of "be careful what you wish for because you might get it".

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!