Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Wild Ride

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

It has been three days since I arrived back from the Minnesota Men's Conference.  I have found it a bit challenging to enter back into my ongoing "reality".  I have these moments when I realize just how deep the current of loneliness has run through the depths of my heart and mind.  And I realize how much grief has lay dormant within the channels of my own body as well.  That grief has come so fully into my conscious awareness that I find it looming before me and asking for my attention.  And I am struggling a bit to give it attention because of the limitations I have experienced with learning how to sit with, express and allow myself to feel what I do.

Though I feel a great amount of sadness when I consciously recognize the depths of my grief I thankfully also feel a degree of gratitude that I am able to consciously see what is within me.  This was not always true.  Developing consciousness is a process; one does not complete a healthy development of an adult self (or a genuine healing process for that matter) in a matter of days.  And rarely does one reclaim split and disowned parts of self in a short time either.  The process of walking such a journey requires discipline and commitment.  I have remained steadfast in my commitment.  And I continue to trust that eventually I will witness greater fruits of my self-care.

I also feel sadness that I have decided to pull back from a social and creative commitment I made at the beginning of this year.  I simply cannot pursue it at this time due to a number of factors.  I need to concentrate on my own healing.  I also am intent on going to Hawaii in October to help out with a reforestation project on the island of Moloka'i.  And then there is the reality of the politics of the leadership of the organization I was a part of.  In my personal opinion there was definite room for improvement.  It is indeed a wise choice for me to step back and regroup.

The darkness in the outdoor world is building so rapidly now that only the most unconscious among us could fail to notice how quickly the light of day is decreasing.  I do not feel depressed by this but I do still feel that lingering sadness that the time of greatest light and beauty for this year was a time when my whole world was turning upside down yet again.

Tonight, before going to sleep, I shall look upon my mug with the image of Hawaii upon it and pray for help to come to me from any and all directions.  We are social and interdependent beings.  I need lots of love and support.  This writing I offer each and every day to the world is an act of love.

I am a lover of life.  I welcome other lovers of life into my own.

Peace and blessings.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!