That Immense Fork In The Road

Sunday, November 30, 2014


I find myself contemplating the variety of possible future paths for my life.  I recently learned a former school colleague is now studying in Hawaii.  I have noted my strong affinity for both Germany and Hawaii throughout my writings in this blog.

I am going to apply for a program of study at the University of Hawaii.  It cannot hurt my life to do so.  I am exploring yet another possible option for my future.  I want to keep my options as open as possible.  Exploring possibilities lightens my spirit and makes me happy!

As I contemplate the future possibilities for my life I am aware that my early life history is gradually losing its tenacious hold on me.

I am very grateful for where I now am in my life!

Black Friday Survivor

Saturday, November 29, 2014

I can now check off yet another item from my Unexpected Experiences bucket list.  I have now had the experience of working for Macys on Black Friday.  For those of you who might be reading this outside of the United States and who are unfamiliar with American culture, Black Friday is the name given to the Friday after Thanksgiving.  It is used within the retail community to describe what is often one of the most demanding and yet also rewarding days of the calendar year.

I did more than survive yesterday.  I did fairly well actually.  Considering Black Friday also marked my first day working for Macys on the actual sales floor I feel quite pleased with my performance actually.  Not everyone would willingly make Black Friday their first day of work for Macys.  I worked again today.  Before starting my shift I ‘baptized’ my Macys card by buying a new pair of shoes.  Investing in myself and my wardrobe feels good!

The darkest days of the year are upon us now.  I feel fairly good actually.  I still feel skeptical that my hard work and dedication to healing is ultimately going to eventually lead me to achieve my biggest dreams I hold for my life.  I want to believe diligence and dedication will ultimately help me to create a rewarding life for myself.  But having faith in such an outcome can be difficult given what I have experienced in my life.  And hearing other individuals recount their own experiences of injustice and disappointment can make having faith in my own brighter future even more difficult.  The world can be such an unjust place.  Sadness, loss and difficulty is a universal human experience.

And yet there is beauty even in the darkest of days.  I still frequently catch myself marveling at the beauty of the world.  Though the dormancy of the winter season is now firmly in place here in Minnesota there is a certain harsh beauty that can be found in these short days.  The cold simplifies life.  Those aspects of life we might take for granted in summer take on a deeper primacy in winter.  Remaining warm becomes a primary task of daily living.  Remaining healthy and of good spirit in the encompassing darkness of winter also becomes essential.  Nothing can be taken for granted in the darkest and coldest time of the year.

I find the grief I feel regarding the termination of any active relationship with members of my paternal family of origin still remains.  But it is changing.  My grief is withering as even grief must ultimately do when you pay it some attention.  Eventually my own life must go on and I must find a way to transcend the immense losses, disappointment and sadness I have experienced in the last eighteen months.  Loss may mark our lives but life itself will go on in some form.

I am about to embark on my first December without a clinical case of PTSD.  This is my first winter season in which I am living with what could be called a ‘bright mind’.  As I attend to my grief and venture into the darkest days of the year with a quality of health I have never really truly known throughout much of my life I feel grateful to have reached this place in my journey.  This place on my path to healing offers a strange mixture of darkness and light, sadness and joy.

What Still Can Be

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Last night I was pleased to discover some of the music of R. Carlos Nakai on one of my flash drives.  I was therefore able to unexpectedly enjoy a serenade of Nakai’s lovely flute music.  Listening to Nakai transported me back to another time and place in my life.  And it got me to thinking about what can yet be in my life.

I quite honestly feel a bit confused at the moment as to what is the best path for my future life.  I feel as if a piece of my heart is in many places.  I have a deep love of Hawaii.  I have written about that here in my blog.  I also have a deep love of Germany.  And I have written about that in my blog as well.  And I have come to develop an appreciation of Minnesota during the two years I have lived here.

Like a phoenix rising from the ashes I finally feel myself to be rising from the ashes of an old and now outmoded life.  But where will I go from here?  What is the best path for me?  Or is there such a thing?

A Thanksgiving In Which There Is Much To Be Thankful For

Wednesday, November 26, 2014


I had another magical moment this morning.  It was one of those times when I find it almost effortless to believe that my future is indeed going to be greater than my past.  I unexpectedly met the executive director of a local organization whose mission aligns with the type of person I strive to be in the world.
I believe 2015 can be my best year ever.  That is my dream.

I met with my therapist last night.  It was my last meeting with him in the month of November.  It was a productive session though what we focused on during our ninety minutes of time together was not something I preferred to focus on.  We spent the session time helping me to prepare for the hearing I am scheduled to attend on Tuesday, December 9th.  This hearing is an appeal hearing regarding unemployment benefits I received in 2013 and early 2014.  And so, regardless of the fact that I do not want to go through this experience, I will have to relive July, 2013 (to some degree) when I attend this hearing and speak about what was happening in my life at that time.

Reliving trauma can be re-traumatizing.  It is my intention that this not occur next month.  I am determined to continue making forward progress in my healing journey despite whatever challenging or unexpected circumstances may arise.  This is sometimes much easier said than done.  But at least I have a supportive network of care providers, friends and others to be available for me during this time in my life.

I am going to end my post today by writing about what I am thankful for.  I am thankful that...

• This is my first Thanksgiving without the impact of my early life history of trauma unduly burdening me
• I have health insurance which has made my healing process financially feasible. (Without the excellent health insurance I currently possess I might not be where I am today)
• I have loyal friends who have remained my friends through both easy and difficult times
• My physical health is generally good
• I have an intact capacity to learn and walk away from unhealthy situations and people
• I am willing to accept help even if it feels humbling and frustrating
• I am employed in a setting that may ultimately lead to other better opportunities in the future
• I continue to possess the determination and drive to improve my life

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another Important Monday

Monday, November 24, 2014


As we rapidly near the Winter Solstice it can be increasingly difficult to wake up in a timely way in the morning.  I was fortunate to find myself waking up quite easily this morning.  The cold air is back; our brief reprieve is long gone now.

Today will be a rather important Monday for me.  I have an informational interview on the University of Minnesota campus this morning.  Immediately thereafter I will begin my brief workday.  Upon completion of my work I will then need to have my wits about me and make my way to the North Minneapolis Workforce Center for my sixty day follow up appointment with my vocational rehabilitation placement assistant and my rehabilitation counselor.  Tonight I will attend the last meeting of my German language course at the Germanic American Institute.

I feel much better physically speaking.  I suppose the antibiotics I have been taking are doing what they are meant to do.  My mood is fairly good considering that it is a late November Monday morning and my life often still feels exceedingly demanding of me.

A Murder of Crows

Sunday, November 23, 2014


Crows, sheep and goats have all figured in my life today thus far.  And it's only a little after noon!  What will the afternoon bring?  Given how I am starting this entry you might think I had traveled over the rainbow and landed somewhere only Dorothy could reach with the unexpected assistance of a tornado.

I awoke to a very gray morning and the sound of many, many crows.  I didn't need to look outside my window to estimate it was a true 'murder' of crows.  I could hear so many different individual voices in the collective din in nearby Loring Park that someone might think a reprise of the movie The Birds was being performed.  I found it both amusing as well as very fitting that I should awaken on this particular morning to the sound of crows.  I'll share more details about that shortly.

I later walked through Loring Park on my way to the Basilica.  Loring Pond could have been renamed Fog Pond today.  The much milder, humid air has made for interesting fog formations over the now very chilly (and partially frozen) lakes and ponds of the area.  The layer of gray hovering over the pond evoked something more fitting of Halloween.

I heard about sheep and goats during the service at the Basilica.  Yes, I attended a Catholic mass.  I went mainly for the purpose of listening to beautiful music.  I also wanted to receive a blessing from Fr. Bauer.  I didn't even check ahead of time to verify he would be saying the mass I attended.  As it turned out he was.  After I received a blessing at the time of communion I briefly went downstairs and quickly downed half a donut.  And then I was off to my next activity.

The gospel reading for the service came from the Gospel of Matthew.  It was the story in which Jesus is said to divide the metaphorical sheep from the goats.  The one group he offers entrance to the Kingdom of God by virtue of the fact that they treated the 'least' of God's children with kindness and compassion.  The other group, the goats, he condemns to eternal punishment for their failure to offer even the smallest of kindness to those they encountered who were suffering and in need.

I thought of my paternal family of origin as I heard the homily.  Why?  I thought of them because this story lays the foundation for why I feel I have a legitimate dispute with them.  In the summer of 2013, when I was very ill and was also suffering from anxiety and flashbacks, members of my family responded to me in a way essentially identical to the time in 1982 when I was traumatized by the near murder of my father.  They avoided paying any authentic attention to what was happening to me.  As before they avoided the deeper issues at play and instead looked only at the superficial difficulties and pain I was experiencing in that period of time.  And just as in 1982 when my own fundamental need to be safe and have my most basic needs met was not given sufficient attention so too did the same dynamic play out again last year.  But this time, as an adult, I had a choice.  I could continue to tolerate my family's failure to actually do anything substantive about the deeper issues I was raising from my childhood.  Or I could choose to protest and, if that effected no change, walk away.  I did the latter.

I was pleased to be reminded that I have a scriptural basis for my dispute with my paternal family of origin.  But I am nonetheless remaining resolute in my decision.  I will not engage in any sort of interaction with them in the future unless they, <gasp>, actually truly listen to me.  I do not believe it is realistic to expect that will ever happen so I have instead been doing the difficult work of grieving what I have lost.  And I have also been grieving what I never even had the fortune to enjoy in the first place.
It's been a difficult time.

Despite the bouts of hardship I have endured in the last seventeen months I nonetheless feel I am starting to turn that profound corner towards a brighter life.  This morning I had another moment in which something seemed to well up inside me.  No, it wasn't the antibiotics I have been on the last two days.  What I felt inside me was a warm assurance that one day I will be done with this most demanding process of recovery.  One day I will wake up and the past simply will not hold this immense  influence over my psyche in the present day.  When that day will arrive I certainly still cannot say.  But I feel it drawing nearer each and every day and week.

......

I found the murder of crows in Loring Park such a fitting source of my wakeup call this morning because today is the one year anniversary of my soul retrieval session with shamanic practitioner Mary Rutherford.  Ravens and crows have been a prominent feature in past deep personal growth work I have done.  You could call them one of my 'power animals'.  They appeared as part of an amazing dream I had during a research trip I made to the Netherlands I made in October, 2004.

......

This coming week will mark my first Thanksgiving in which trauma doesn't hold such a strong influence in my life.  I already enjoyed a Thanksgiving sized meal today at All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church.  The vivid colors of the diverse foods that were laid out over three long tables still stand out in my mind a few hours later.

I have a lot to be thankful for.

What are you thankful for?

A Temporary Reprieve

Saturday, November 22, 2014

The world has turned sloppy outside.  A warm, moist airmass is attempting to replace the frigid air we have been experiencing the last eleven days.  So now the skies are gray, there is liquid water and the wind doesn’t actually sting my face.  I suppose I should be happy for the reprieve.  But all the slop and liquid water is only going to once again refreeze next week when it turns cold again.

The gray, still morning matches my mood.  The grief and sadness is still there inside my heart.  There is more of it than I want to bear.  So I am going to go to the Basilica of St. Mary this weekend and try to pray away some of my grief.  I’ve been moving forward in my process of healing for many months now.  There have been some lulls in which I felt my forward progress seemed to come to a standstill.  This past March was one such time.  And then the last six weeks have been another time of apparent standstill.

Standstill is necessary at times.  We cannot be perpetual motion machines for short or long periods of time.  We must have periods of rest both each and every day as well as throughout our lives.  Finding a balance in our lives is necessary to achieving abiding health and happiness.  I have been gradually learning more and more how to create balance in my life.  But like the journey of healing creating a balanced life is a process.

I had another moment recently in which I felt my faith well up within me.  By ‘faith’ I do not mean to describe any particular religious affiliation.  I mean to instead describe my confidence that one day there will indeed be an endpoint to my therapeutic odyssey.  One day I will have done enough therapy that I will no longer feel the desire or need to attend still more.  That day might actually already be within the next twelve months of time.  I do feel myself gradually drawing closer to that special endpoint.  When it comes it will be a time for immense celebration.

As for now I am still slogging along through that first full calendar year of time in which I am sub-clinical for PTSD.  I am doing everything I can do to move forward and maintain the integrity of my recovery process.

......

I had the unexpected pleasure of being reminded that I am not alone in some of the suffering I have experienced in my life.  We all live lives that are unique stories but many of our life journeys are interwoven with some of the same thematic threads. 

While enjoying a Saturday morning breakfast at the Germanic American Institute I met a woman who was actively promoting a book she had written.  The author, Rita Reinecker, wrote a memoir entitled Dance with Me, Papa.  The promotional card I took with me describes her book in the following way:

‘Reinecker’s debut volume, set primarily in postwar Germany, is her personal exploration of the consequences of growing up in a dysfunctional family headed by an absentee father and ruled by an unaffectionate mother.’

Reinecker is definitely a kindred spirit.  I know what it’s like to grow up in a dysfunctional family.  My father was physically present but often emotionally absent.  And my experience of the mother archetype is a virtual saga.  It was consoling to meet another person who has taken the journey of self-inquiry.  Such self examination is so vital to living a well adjusted life.  And the necessity of such exploration is even greater for those who, like myself, grew up in what I like to softly describe as ‘less than optimal circumstances’.  When unacknowledged and unattended to family dysfunction can contaminate the hearts and minds of future generations.

I came away from this unexpected encounter reminded of another important reality I need to remember as I continue my own exploration.  There is healing, love, companionship, joy and immense possibility in the world but you have to put yourself out there and be open to it finding you.

An Attitude Adjustment

Friday, November 21, 2014


I found myself grousing quite a bit today.  And I realize I need to move beyond this recent tendency to complain a bit too much.  Yes, life hasn't been too easy lately.  I've been physically sick off and on for six weeks.  I failed to place first in a contest I competed in last weekend.  My current work life still doesn't overly inspire me.  I may never speak to my father or his siblings again.  But even given all these unfortunate things I still have a lot to be thankful for.

This isn't going to be a Thanksgiving focused post though I just wrote of the value of gratitude and being thankful.  Here is perhaps what I have to be most thankful for.  This will be my first Thanksgiving in which the trauma of my early life history is no longer unduly burdening me.  This is a huge milestone to celebrate.

I went to my primary care doctor today.  He gave me a course of antibiotics to treat what may be a secondary infection.  It's not clear whether what I have is viral or bacterial in nature.  I just hope the antibiotics work well.  I prefer antibiotics as a last course of action as some of them can be very rough on the human body.

I'm going to do my best to refocus my attitude over the course of the weekend.  Even though I don't much care for our very early start of winter weather I can refocus my mind on pleasing realities and imagery.

Tomorrow

Thursday, November 20, 2014

The other day while I was in downtown Minneapolis I heard what I suppose you would call a street musician playing that well known song associated with the movie Annie.  The following lyric went through my head: ‘The sun’ll come out tomorrow bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun…”

Yes, life will be better tomorrow.  I have been telling myself that a lot lately.  I keep telling myself to keep believing that tomorrow will be a better day than today was.  It’s my way of coping lately.  Yet again I have found myself struggling with the fact that the solidity of my recovery is not quite as resilient as I would like it to be.  It certainly does not appear to be as solid as our rapidly solidifying Minnesota lakes and ponds.  (Yes, I am griping about the weather again.  It’s been below freezing for ten days in a row…and twenty degrees below the norm)

Tomorrow I will be going to see my primary care doctor again.  I am hoping, yet again, for good news.  I am hoping I will find some significant support and reassurance that whatever has been plaguing my lungs to some degree for much of the last six weeks is not something more serious than a very persistent viral infection.  Have you ever been physically ill for so long that you become virtually psychically sick of being physically sick?  That is how I have felt in the last few days.  I wonder what qualifies a person to have their physical constitution described as immuno-suppressed or immune system compromised.  I feel like such a term could describe me recently. 

Going through another bout of enhanced hardship has placed a certain topic front and center in my mind.  And that is the topic of the interrelationship between poverty and trauma.  What actually is the connection?  I would wager that it is this: Trauma can impact a person’s life by reducing said person’s capacity to learn, work and be productive.  In limiting the possibilities a person can realize in life trauma can thereby reduce a person’s prospects for transcending circumstances in life that may already be inherently limiting.  In other words, trauma increases the likelihood that life will be more difficult and less joyful.  And trauma, I believe, increases the risk that a person will become or remain poor.  When your own mind is exceedingly clouded with the horror of trauma how can you concentrate well enough to actually achieve significant things like obtaining an education, holding down a job, cultivating rewarding interpersonal relationships or getting married.  Trauma narrows, shrinks and dulls our world.  I will be blunt: to be traumatized sucks.

Do I have hard-core data to back up my assertion that trauma increases the risk of being poor?  No I have not researched scholarly literature.  But do you seriously think that the reality would be otherwise.  Wouldn’t common sense alone suggest that my thinking on this issue is almost surely correct?

I began this blog nearly seventeen months ago as a creative and therapeutic outlet for myself and my own recovery.  It has gradually blossomed into something more than what it first was.  I have made friends by virtue of speaking of myself as a freelance trauma recovery advocate.  My willingness to honor who I am and where I am at has opened some doors that might not have otherwise ever even appeared on my psychic radar.  I am grateful for the opportunities that have come my way by virtue of the fact that I have chosen to live an authentic life free of shame, guilt or undue inhibition.

Lately I have noticed that my blog readership has been flagging a bit.  Perhaps this is due to the upcoming time and attention consuming reality that is the holiday season.  As I noted recently it will be my first holiday season in which the veneer of trauma that once clouded my perception of the world is decisively gone.  I still grieve how many years passed in which I perceived the world in a distorted way.  But I also find myself rejoicing that this lesser way of being in the world is now something truly relegated to my past life.

The future is waiting.

Keeping A Positive Attitude

Wednesday, November 19, 2014


I am struggling a bit lately.  Actually more than a bit I would say.  I just finished meeting with Fr. Bauer here at the Basilica of St. Mary.  I'm trying to see the light in the current confusing darkness that I feel is enshrouding my life lately.  I am not sure if my visit really helped me or not.

I began a new position this week.  And I continue to do what I can to expand my professional network of contacts.  And I continue to do the best I can in practicing good self-care skills.  And I continue to keep my weekly therapy appointments.  And I keep waking up each day and trying anew.  But I am struggling lately to believe that all my effort is truly leading me somewhere.  I feel as if I might be getting stuck.

 

Who Turned On January?

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

I was a bit foolish and thought that I would have until at least Thanksgiving to truly prepare myself for the numbing winds of the coming winter season.  Then came the last week.  It’s been about nine full days now since the temperature dropped below freezing.  I’m feeling quite weary of wintry weather and it’s not even technically winter yet.  It’s not even astronomical winter yet (December 21 – March 20) let alone meteorological winter (December 1 – February 28).

But it’s not just the weather that has me struggling to maintain a positive attitude.  It’s another development which took place today.  This additional development is not life threatening but it’s certainly not life enhancing either.  Yet again I am being required to show up and dispute the decision of a local institution if I want to maintain my eligibility for a certain benefit I previously received from this institution.  The details of the matter aren’t that important.  It’s the way I have responded to this surprise development that is unfortunate.  I once again feel extraordinarily stressed.

I have been looking forward to this coming holiday season as the first one in which I will enjoy the festivities of the season without a burden of unhealed trauma being so severe that I could be determined to be clinically diagnosable for PTSD.  I was determined sub-clinical for PTSD as of late January of this year.  It thus hasn’t even been a full calendar year’s worth of time since this amazing milestone.  I want to keep making progress in my healing journey.  And yet the last few months have been very disconcerting in some respects.

Moments like these require me to yet again practice the important art of focusing on the blessings in my life.  And I still have plenty to be thankful for.  For instance I am quite grateful that I now have a position which could very well open a lot of doors for me in the future.

A Time of Reassessment

Monday, November 17, 2014

The events of the weekend that just ended yesterday have prompted me to take a bit of a pause.  I feel a brief period of reassessment is now in order.

I come back to the writings contained within Erin Sullivan’s book Saturn In Transit again and again…and again.  I feel myself gradually coming to some new understanding of self as well as a new sensibility regarding my own needs.  If I mix in Sullivan’s prodigious wisdom with the first half of life/second half of life concept elucidated by Fr. Richard Rohr (which I have previously commented on here in my blog) I come up with some interesting thoughts and perhaps even insights.

Sullivan writes the following regarding the period of time between the second Saturn opposition and the next Saturn square (ages 45 to 52):

‘The first part of the cycle recalls the adolescent rebellion against authority and oppression (though at the age of forty-five one is more conscious of what the uprising is about), and there may still be unfinished business from the past that must resurface (added italics are my emphasis).  Old feelings of inadequacy and futility are challenged by a rise of ambition.  Life can no longer be lived for the moment but must have depth, content and meaning (italics are again my emphasis).  It is a time in which a peak experience can occur when one feels highly motivated towards a new set of goals.’

I have previously referenced another portion of Sullivan’s writings in her Saturn focused book in which she writes of people truly being able to recapture portions of their own earlier life histories which they were not satisfactorily able to live when they first typically chronologically occur.  Being able to recapture something that was lost or experiencing something that is every person’s healthy due (like a stable and happy childhood or adolescence) long after it would typically happen is something I think many people who have experienced severe trauma would find of interest.  In other words, if you never had a healthy childhood or adolescence (due to the impact of trauma for example) you might feel haunted by this gap in your life and seek to somehow experience it later on.  I know this is true for me.

There is something a bit unique about my situation, however.  I am experiencing this yearning for something approximating an adolescent rebellion years before the period of life Sullivan talks about.  I am forty-one now but can deeply understand and identify with Sullivan’s words which I have cited above.  To use the parlance of Richard Rohr, I entered the second half of my life in 2013.  I cannot and will not look back and try to pass back through the doorway I moved through in 2013. 

I find myself simultaneously experiencing several life phases (and their corresponding developmental themes and issues).  Some days I feel very much like an adolescent who wishes to take immense risks and see what may result.  Other days I easily identify with my former nine-year old self who emerged from the time of my father’s near murder deeply traumatized.  There are several ‘pieces’ of my life history beckoning for attention all at once.  And the common thread that unites all of these time periods is the universal human experience of grief. 

I felt a lot of grief because I did not feel seen.  I did not feel that my most fundamental needs were consistently met.  I was not met and listened to in a sufficiently consistent way such that I would feel grounded in a healthy sense of my very self.

The grief is waning now.  And I feel it waning due in large part to the fact that I am now fully paying attention to how I feel.  I see myself finally letting go.  I am letting go as I finally have accepted the reality of my painful realization: my paternal family of origin will (likely) never be able to acknowledge and meet my long unmet needs.  Yes, there is the possibility that something will change.  But I will no longer attempt to be the agent of such change.

It is my intention to find my way through my grief and onto a path that leads to a bright future.  I want to believe I am already on my way.  And perhaps I truly am.  Some measure of skepticism is healthy, though, right?

The Sting of Disappointment

Sunday, November 16, 2014

Sometimes I wonder if I am doing something ‘wrong’ that I (still) cannot easily discern.  This was one of many thoughts that went through my mind as I walked all the way home last night from the contest finale at the Eagle.  You can probably surmise that I wasn’t selected as the ‘winner’ of the contest.

I had a great time last night.  I had a lot of fun.  Creating fun memories has been a priority for me ever since the summer of 2013 featured my world turning upside down.  It seems like one of the best ways to move beyond the horrible aspects of my early life history is to create fun memories and a fun life NOW.  And of course going to therapy can help as well.

And yet I feel extraordinarily sad.  If I am doing everything I ought to be doing to create a good life for myself then why am I not (yet) experiencing the results of my labors?  When will I have a nice boyfriend?  When will I have career success?  When will I finally be able to look back on my life and point to at least one protracted period of time in which so many aspects of my life were simultaneously rewarding?  Will that ever happen?  Is it all just one vast illusion to even strive for such a dream?

I know one of the issues I struggle with is the issue of relevance.  Sometimes I feel so extraordinarily irrelevant.  I at least have the blessing of insight to see why this painful feeling is arising in me this morning.  The gentleman who won the title last night is a young guy.  I personally think he will do well in his title year.  At least that is my impression.  Having the lights of glory shine brightly on him while I simultaneously took a step back reminds me of a different experience from my history here in the Twin Cities.  I unfortunately cannot help but think of when I briefly dated an individual I met in a local arts organization.  It ended very badly.

The theme of the issue I am wrangling with this morning is summed up in the following questions floating through my mind: “Have I passed an age of relevance?  Was my youth ‘misspent’?  Am I perceived as middle-aged and therefore not appealing to a certain demographic?  Are the best years of my life truly behind me or can they still perhaps be in front of me?”

……

I know that the disappointment I feel is also connected to another issue in my life.  I have spent an enormous amount of energy attempting to reach the next step in my life…whatever that is.  I have been involved in a process of searching for three years now.  I have applied to so many jobs, looked into so many possibilities, spoken with so many people, gone to so much therapy and generally done so much to take care of myself and make my life a good life that it simply doesn’t seem humanly possible that the quality of my life would be what it is.  How is it possible that I do not have what I see others have in their lives?  How could I have endured what I went through in 2013 considering that I am a person of good will who believes in kindness, compassion and integrity?  And how can my current life reality be what it is considering what I also endured and survived in my childhood?  Haven’t I had enough disappointment for a lifetime?  I feel I have.  I feel I had enough disappointment by the time I was nine years old!  It seems as if my own ship should have come in by now…if it ever was going to.  When will my lucky number finally be the one that comes up in the Cosmic Lottery?  Will I be fifty years old when it happens?  Will it ever happen?

……

Healing from trauma can take an enormous amount of time and energy.  Despite the challenges I have faced I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy focusing on healing.  But what am I moving forward towards?  What can I truly create in the remainder of my life that I will find of value?

I wish I knew the best way to move forward in my own life.  Instead I feel confused.  I feel immensely confused.

One thing I will not fail to continue doing is write my blog.  I will remain loyal to my creative work regardless of how well it is acknowledged or received by others.  I suppose this is the mark of the true artist. A committed artist will practice his craft even when the wind is in his face, the air bitterly cold, his friends seemingly far removed and his life filled with some measure of confusion…and perhaps even a hardness that doesn’t easily relent.

As I live my day today I am going to try to focus on the beauty of what is in my life right now.

All these thoughts are almost too much to bear for a Sunday morning.  I feel as if I need to go soak my head.

Lately I feel like a forty-one year old adolescent.

It's Here!

Friday, November 14, 2014


I awoke this morning with feelings much like children have when they wake up on Christmas Day morning and eagerly gallop to their family Christmas tree to see what Santa Claus has left them.  I'm so excited that this weekend is here!  Somehow a year has passed since the last time I competed for the Mister Minneapolis Eagle title.  And what a year of profound change it has been for me.

I'm feeling quite good this morning.  My feet are still bothering me a bit but I am confident if I am mindful about them and pace myself I will do well this weekend.  I feel quite confident that I will do well this weekend as I already have the learning experience of last year to draw upon.

As if this active weekend weren't enough to get me galloping I will be starting my new position at the University of Minnesota this coming Monday, November 17th.  I am excited to jump back into the milieu of a university setting.  It could open up a whole new set of doors to me in the future.  After knocking on so many doors in the last three years it's a real treat when someone opens a door of opportunity to me.  Looking back with seventeen months of hindsight it now strikes me as virtually inevitable that I experienced the huge personal crisis I did in June, 2013.  That time is long gone now.  I have grown virtually exponentially in self-awareness and self-care skills.  A golden future can be mine if I simply reach for it!

I do not plan to write this weekend.  My life will be too full with events related to the contest.  You can expect me to resume writing on Monday, November 17th.  At that time I will announce the results of the contest I am competing in.  Regardless of what ultimately happens I know I will feel awesome because I will have once again powerfully presented myself to the world.

Have an awesome weekend!



Post Script

My fifty day challenge ends today!  I am proud that I stepped up and achieved my goal!

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #50

My healthy activities for today:

• I completed my fifty day challenge project
• I relaxed with some soothing tea and stayed off my feet so they can rest and recover
• I listened to relaxing music
• I savored the clarity of my vision

AND HYPERDRIVE SPEED….NOW!

Thursday, November 13, 2014

It seems almost implausible that I have accomplished as much as I have in the amount of waking time I have had today thus far.  It’s only shortly after 3 pm and I have already managed to do the following today:

• Put away the majority of my laundry which I finally washed four days ago
• Clean up my kitchen (a little bit)
• Eat lunch downtown
• Do an interview at the University of Minnesota
• Get offered and accept the job I interviewed for (I start Monday, November 17th at 9 am)
• Go back downtown to meet with my vocational placement assistance at 2 pm
• Hop on the bus to go see my therapist for a 4 pm appointment

The cold weather (it’s barely 20F here) has made it additionally challenging to be so busy.  I would rather not be dashing about all over the Twin Cities when the weather outside feels truly frightful.    But I suppose I am getting into the holiday spirit now because I have the phrases of popular holiday songs already running through my mind (“Oh the weather outside is frightful…”).  The weather outside truly is a bit frightful for mid November.  Area lakes have not yet frozen over but considering how long temperatures are expected to be sub-freezing (maybe for the next eight days?) the lakes will not remain completely liquid for long.

I am excited because it appears I am finally managing to put my life back together again.  I am finally (again) leaving the realm of excessive financial distress.  Maybe that will help reduce the number of hairs turning silver on my head on a daily basis.

I actually don’t believe that stress causes accelerated graying of hair.  But excessive stress can certainly be associated with unprecedented hair loss.  I once had a friend who experienced immense hair loss that co-occurred with a move to the United States from another country.  Excessive stress really sucks.

In a little more than twenty-four hours the Mister Minneapolis Eagle contest will begin.  I have two competitors to face off with in the contest.  I am actually feeling quite confident that I have a good chance of winning.  I learned a lot from competing last year.

If I do win the contest my time management skills are going to become more crucial than ever.  I feel as if I have already been living the life of a titleholder in the last two weeks.  It can be very demanding.

More broadly speaking I still feel the sadness of my estrangement from my paternal family of origin.  And yes, I even feel grief mixed in with the sadness.  But it is improving over time.  I can feel myself gradually moving on.  The process of creating a new life for myself is an engaging, demanding and distracting occupation.  Perhaps one day there will be a healing in my relationship with my father and my father’s family.  I do not know.  But I will no longer hold out false hope that this will happen.  There are many, many people I can create relationships with in this world.  There are billions of them!

And so, in a sense, my life is different and yet the same.  I am excited and feeling hopeful about my future.  And yet there is the sadness that still fills my heart.  Writing each and every day is quite helpful.  As I have noted many a time before here in this blog I felt quite a bit of skepticism that I would successfully be so diligent in writing.  But my diligence shows that change is indeed possible.

My work as an advocate for trauma recovery has given me cause to make friends with a lot of people.  A friend (whom I still have not met in person) who especially inspires me is Michele Rosenthal.  Her dedication to providing resources for those whose lives have been impacted by trauma is truly impressive.  It would be very interesting to meet her.

Regardless of whether I win the contest this weekend I plan to continue my freelance advocacy work.  I expect to continue to write this blog.  I suspect it will begin to assume a different form as my own recovery progresses and the time for me to attend therapy gradually nears an end.  When will that time come?  Again I cannot say.  I believe I will be quite well adjusted and very high functioning in another six months.  If I could somehow manage to attend therapy for another full calendar year (until the approximate end of 2015) I believe I will find myself in a very good place. 

If I do win the contest this weekend I would like to make trauma recovery advocacy a central focus of how I would serve the local community.  There is a lot of work to be done.  With sufficient support as well as a balanced life marked by relatively equal measures of work and play I feel I can accomplish a lot.  Regardless of what happens this weekend I truly believe 2015 is going to be my best year yet!

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #49

Healthy activities today:

• I enjoyed a soothing cup of hot tea this morning
• I interviewed for a job and accepted an offer for the job when it was offered
• I am meeting with my therapist today
• I am (hopefully) going to be attending a lecture regarding German history and the Berlin Wall (assuming I can make it on time)
• I am going to bed at a reasonable hour so I can be well prepared for the upcoming contest weekend

The Cluster**** that was Wednesday, Nov. 12th

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Wednesday was quite a full day.  There are some days when I marvel at how much I am able to accomplish in a single day.  Yesterday was one such day.  I found myself eating dinner at 10 p.m. and wondering where my fifteen hours of waking life went.

I had my second day of training at Macy’s yesterday.  It went better than I was expecting.  I was asked if I would be interested in working in the Home section rather than apparel.  I found myself very pleased that my diligent attentiveness during my training seemed to have been noticed.  I am still someone who really enjoys a life marked by continued learning and openness to new things.

My morning wasn’t so great.  I was concerned that I would arrive late for my second day of training.  I took the bus to meet the light rail downtown.  And yet again I found myself on a bus full of excess drama.  The bus driver insisted that people take a seat rather than stand near the front of the bus behind the yellow line.  He was doing this because another rider had apparently fallen earlier in the day.  A few passengers took issue with his insistence that they obey his request.  By the time I reached my destination I had unwittingly watched the driver be disrespected and virtually heckled by two passengers.  Disagreeing with someone is something I can respect.  Expressing disagreement through insults is another matter entirely.  The least the two passengers could have done would have been show the driver a basic modicum of respect by virtue of the service he was providing them.

I have noted in recent postings that I am competing in a contest this coming weekend.  Its beginning is now less than forty-eight hours away.  I am very excited.  I feel much more prepared than last year.  And I feel I have a very decent shot at winning.  But even if I do not win the title I will have the pleasure of experiencing a very fun weekend.

Fun has probably been the most important therapy I could give myself.  My childhood was so light on fun and so simultaneously heavy on trauma that I am still learning to find my way back from the strange state of mind I developed in response to this imbalanced early life history.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #48

My healthy activities for today:

§  I attended my second day of training at Macy’s (and apparently impressed my trainer)

§  I relatively smoothly managed what seemed to be a minor crisis when I could not find my laptop charger in the evening

§  I continued to work on my preparations for the contest this weekend

§  I soaked my feet at the YMCA

§  I went to bed at a reasonable hour to give my feet some time to rest

Remembering That Which Some Would Prefer Never To Recall

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Today is Veteran’s Day here in the United States.  Politicians will speak in honor of veterans.  The Veterans Administration system will go about the complex task of caring for our nation’s veterans.  Some veterans may find job leads on this very day that give them a fresh start on their lives.  And some veterans, in all likelihood, will kill themselves.

Suicide among service-members (both those who are active duty as well as those who are veterans) is a serious problem which receives little consistent attention in the main media outlets available in this country.  Though it pains me to hear stories of service-members who ultimately choose to kill themselves I can all too easily understand the reasons why some veterans make this choice.  The horror of what some of them witness or even participate in during time of conflict can be excruciating.  Who could possibly want to go about living with such tragic memories etched in their minds.  The apparent finality and quietude of death can appear to be a sweet release.

I never have served in the military.  Shortly after I completed my graduate degree at the Monterey Institute of International Studies I attempted to join the U.S. Navy Reserve.  My application didn’t get very far.  I suppose it may have been a matter of my age.  At the time I applied I was in my late thirties.  The military, in my opinion, tends to look more approvingly on candidates of a younger age.  They are more likely to be healthy and are more likely to be able to offer years and even decades of service within the United States military.  I felt fairly bummed for a short time after I gave up on this career possibility.  But looking back with additional hindsight I feel it was a good thing I was never offered a spot in the Navy.

Though I never served in the military I have family members who have.  My father served in the Army.  His father was drafted during World War II.  Indeed, my two grandfathers fought on opposing sides in World War II.  Fate and circumstances beyond our control can make for interesting bedfellows.  People we might never consider an ‘enemy’ may be rendered as such in a political discourse designed to create the perception of an evil Other.

It goes without saying that present and former service-members would be at risk of developing PTSD.  As I noted above their experiences within the military can ultimately prove very traumatic. Seeing people kill one another in the name of a nation much larger than any one person must be a horrible thing to witness.

And yet the wounds some service-members incur on the battlefield may mark merely the beginning of a series of harmful consequences.  Guilt, shame or a deep need to avoid memories of past trauma may lead some service-members to behave in a profoundly different way upon their reentry into civil society.  Indeed, their whole personality may appear to change.  Family members and friends who find themselves noticing such a significant change in a loved one may feel at a loss as to how to relate to a person they no longer can easily recognize.  Memories may haunt service-members and, as a result of coping mechanisms they may later employ, relationships may become strained to the point of dissolution.  Family members may ultimately come to feel a bit haunted themselves if and when they perceive their loved one has developed new, dysfunctional behaviors as a means of coping.

Eventually a whole family may feel haunted by the experience of a single family member.

How can I theorize to such an extent about the possible consequences of something (war) I have never experienced?  I feel able to do so because growing up near a person suffering from mental illness (my own mother) and then later suffering the additional horror of nearly losing my father to attempted murder was, in my opinion, quite equivalent to growing up in a war zone.  It’s no wonder I developed an anxiety disorder considering what I endured.  I have questions about my early life history I doubt I will ever receive satisfactory answers to.  And so I made the painful choice of disengaging from a family that seems deeply committed to avoiding painful topics as a way of coping with the darkness of the past.  But such avoidance came at a terrible cost: my enduring alienation.

I am learning to build a new life for myself now.  It is indeed a process.  More than sixteen months into the process I am well on my way.  There are still plenty of days in which the sadness I felt as a child suddenly looms large.  I will feel the sadness well up within me like a giant tsunami wave.  On such occasions it can be easy for me to feel nearly diminished to the point of being only able to breathe…and nothing more.  But thankfully those difficult days are becoming increasingly less frequent.

We seem to have suddenly skipped the remainder of what was a glorious autumn.  The calendar reads November but the weather is reminiscent of January.  As the world outside my windows slides into hibernation and our area lakes undergo something of a flash-freeze process I find myself wistfully recalling the past summer now long gone.  It was my first summer of life in I was no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD.  It was my first summer in which the old wounds of my childhood lay opened up for me and my therapist to explore. 

I am in a much better place right now.  I am moving forward.  I dream of a brighter future before me.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #47

Healthy activities for today:

§  I sought out treatment for my right foot (it began hurting this past Sunday)

§  I prepared for the upcoming Mister Minneapolis Eagle competition