Sunday, November 16, 2014
Sometimes I wonder if I am doing something ‘wrong’ that I (still) cannot easily discern. This was one of many thoughts that went through my mind as I walked all the way home last night from the contest finale at the Eagle. You can probably surmise that I wasn’t selected as the ‘winner’ of the contest.
I had a great time last night. I had a lot of fun. Creating fun memories has been a priority for me ever since the summer of 2013 featured my world turning upside down. It seems like one of the best ways to move beyond the horrible aspects of my early life history is to create fun memories and a fun life NOW. And of course going to therapy can help as well.
And yet I feel extraordinarily sad. If I am doing everything I ought to be doing to create a good life for myself then why am I not (yet) experiencing the results of my labors? When will I have a nice boyfriend? When will I have career success? When will I finally be able to look back on my life and point to at least one protracted period of time in which so many aspects of my life were simultaneously rewarding? Will that ever happen? Is it all just one vast illusion to even strive for such a dream?
I know one of the issues I struggle with is the issue of relevance. Sometimes I feel so extraordinarily irrelevant. I at least have the blessing of insight to see why this painful feeling is arising in me this morning. The gentleman who won the title last night is a young guy. I personally think he will do well in his title year. At least that is my impression. Having the lights of glory shine brightly on him while I simultaneously took a step back reminds me of a different experience from my history here in the Twin Cities. I unfortunately cannot help but think of when I briefly dated an individual I met in a local arts organization. It ended very badly.
The theme of the issue I am wrangling with this morning is summed up in the following questions floating through my mind: “Have I passed an age of relevance? Was my youth ‘misspent’? Am I perceived as middle-aged and therefore not appealing to a certain demographic? Are the best years of my life truly behind me or can they still perhaps be in front of me?”
I know that the disappointment I feel is also connected to another issue in my life. I have spent an enormous amount of energy attempting to reach the next step in my life…whatever that is. I have been involved in a process of searching for three years now. I have applied to so many jobs, looked into so many possibilities, spoken with so many people, gone to so much therapy and generally done so much to take care of myself and make my life a good life that it simply doesn’t seem humanly possible that the quality of my life would be what it is. How is it possible that I do not have what I see others have in their lives? How could I have endured what I went through in 2013 considering that I am a person of good will who believes in kindness, compassion and integrity? And how can my current life reality be what it is considering what I also endured and survived in my childhood? Haven’t I had enough disappointment for a lifetime? I feel I have. I feel I had enough disappointment by the time I was nine years old! It seems as if my own ship should have come in by now…if it ever was going to. When will my lucky number finally be the one that comes up in the Cosmic Lottery? Will I be fifty years old when it happens? Will it ever happen?
Healing from trauma can take an enormous amount of time and energy. Despite the challenges I have faced I have spent an enormous amount of time and energy focusing on healing. But what am I moving forward towards? What can I truly create in the remainder of my life that I will find of value?
I wish I knew the best way to move forward in my own life. Instead I feel confused. I feel immensely confused.
One thing I will not fail to continue doing is write my blog. I will remain loyal to my creative work regardless of how well it is acknowledged or received by others. I suppose this is the mark of the true artist. A committed artist will practice his craft even when the wind is in his face, the air bitterly cold, his friends seemingly far removed and his life filled with some measure of confusion…and perhaps even a hardness that doesn’t easily relent.
As I live my day today I am going to try to focus on the beauty of what is in my life right now.
All these thoughts are almost too much to bear for a Sunday morning. I feel as if I need to go soak my head.
Lately I feel like a forty-one year old adolescent.