A Sad Sight to Behold

Saturday, November 8, 2014

I began this blog over sixteen months ago.  When I began writing my primary focus was to provide myself a creative and therapeutic outlet to work through the immense amount of pain that I was experiencing at the time I first started treatment.  I still have days that are far less pleasant than I would like them to be.  And every so often I witness something that I find very difficult to be present to.  Something like that happened today.

I took Metro Transit (the Twin Cities public transit system) to go to a photo shoot today.  I took the Number Five bus.  Anyone who has traveled with the help of this particular bus line knows how ‘eventful’ it can be to ride it.  You can see all manner of human behavior on it.  And I certainly saw that earlier today.  I witnessed a man who seemed in need of serious professional help.

I am guessing the man boarded the bus somewhere downtown close to where I got on.  Only a small bit of time passed before I concluded something was seriously wrong with him.  He was agitated and kept moving about the bus.  His knees gave out from under him more than once.  And more than once I thought he would topple onto another passenger.  I don’t know if he was hypoglycemic, psychotic, strung out on some drug, distraught over some horrific loss or even somehow all of the above.  But I do know that watching him make an ongoing scene on the bus was very, very difficult to be unwitting witness to.  More than once I coached myself to close my eyes and not look at what was happening.  It was simply so incredibly depressing to behold.

I found what happened also distressing because it reminded me of another man.  Seeing this man in such a state today reminded me of my father.  I wouldn’t doubt it if my father was equally frightening to look at the night he was nearly murdered in 1982.  It has taken a lot of therapy for me to work through much of the pain, sorrow and anger I carried around as a result of what I endured as a kid.  Scenes like what I witnessed today can all too easily reopen old psychic wounds.  Such scenes are the material of true nightmares. 

By the time I disembarked from the bus (a long while after the man in question had himself disembarked) I easily noticed how my own anxiety level had spiked.  When I see such behavior on display as what I witnessed today it’s all too easy for my mind to wander to worst case scenarios.  What if the person in question has a weapon?  What if the person has a violent character and is highly reactive? What if trying to help said person only makes the situation worse?  These are the types of questions that can all too easily go through my mind.

I feel the need to avoid the bus route I took today as much as possible.  But it is difficult because it serves a variety of areas I often must travel to.  So I will have to find some creative ways to address my transportation needs in the short term. 

I have sometimes had waking nightmares as to what it might be like if I ever see my father again.  What I witnessed today is the type of behavior I would not want to see my father display.  It can be painful to watch people suffer.  And it can be especially painful when the person in question is a friend or family member.

Though I have indeed made immense progress in the last sixteen months I felt incredibly broadsided by the difficulties of last month.  There were a few days when my own thoughts regarding my circumstances were especially troubling.  My anxiety level was high for a number of days; I wondered if everything I had worked with such diligence to accomplish would collapse.  It had seemed my entire recovery was at risk.

I feel much better now as compared to a few weeks ago.  I am a tenacious man and am determined to have a good life in my future.  And I believe I will.  I just need to continue to make my ongoing healing journey my number one priority.

I will end this posting by referencing something that happened this past Thursday.  I went to the dentist on Thursday.  I wanted to get a routine cleaning of my teeth so they look good for the contest I am competing in this coming weekend.  While doing my intake the receptionist took note of my driver’s license photo and complimented me on it.  She apparently did not see the sadness in my face that I believe is so very obvious.

My current driver’s license photo was taken over two years ago.  Two full years of time in the past now seems like ancient history to me.  I was still carrying an immense amount of sadness at that time.  The grief I never fully expressed due to the trauma I experienced in my childhood was still too much a part of me.  I just didn’t consciously recognize that this was in fact the truth of my existence.

Sadness is not a good companion for any child.  And abiding, persistent sadness can, I believe, fundamentally warp a person’s outlook on the world.  And I believe this is even more profoundly true in the case of children and child development.  No child should have to endure what I endured.  As I continue to work through my grief and sadness I continue to feel more and more hopeful that my future will be much brighter than my past. 

Another moment today led me to recall my childhood.  The photographer I went to visit today has a lovely home and a partner.  He also has two dogs.  Both dogs are dachshunds.  I had a dachshund named Heidi when I was a kid.  I remember how much I loved her.  She died long before I graduated high school and moved away from home.  Is it possible to miss your childhood dog twenty years later?  I do believe it is indeed possible.

Losses do not have to define our present and future lives.  But if we ignore the full measure of the pain we feel when we lose that which we treasure we run the risk of getting sick later in life.  Unacknowledged grief doesn’t disappear.  Rather it seems clear to me now that unacknowledged grief will await the loving-kindness of our attention.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #44

My healthy activities for today:

• I did my best to breathe and relax during a very stressful experience on a Metro Transit bus
• I had a photo shoot with a skilled local photographer, Andrew Bertke