Wednesday, December 31, 2014


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Yesterday was a day of tears.

I had a few good reasons to cry:

I feel frustrated with the state of my career life.  To even call the work I am doing right now a career is quite a stretch.  I am once again doing a job that requires essentially no skills beyond that of a high school graduate.  And I keep looking for suitable opportunities.  And I keep getting job application rejections.  The frustration I feel with this alone is immense.

I was also sad because yesterday was my one and only brother’s birthday.  He is over thirteen years younger than me.  I have essentially no active relationship with him.  I haven't spoken with him by phone in quite a while.  This is not by design and it is not my preference.  He hasn’t reached out to me and acknowledged me on my birthday during the last two times my birthday has come around.  

In the summer of 2013 I began the immense process of purging my life of people and activities that demand more from me than I receive in return.  My heart was heavy and I felt very burned out at the time.  This is no longer true.  But I still have more healing to do.    After my brother failed to acknowledge me this past September I decided I would no longer bother reaching out to him.  And so I found myself facing another loss I preferred not to experience.  The occasion of his birthday reminded me of this change.  The pain of this estrangement was refreshed in my heart and mind.

I was also feeling frustrated with my financial reality.  This has been an ongoing story.

I was also feeling sad because the help I have been receiving from my care team does not seem to be really changing much of my life.  Perhaps more time is needed.  I do not know.

Thankfully today is a new day and there is always the potential to start anew with each new day.

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