Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Yesterday, during my session with my therapist, I was recommended to consider focusing on what I am grateful for. This is always a wise practice. It can be especially fruitful when you are struggling with a dark state of mind as I have been these last few days. As I composed my list of what I am grateful for I thought back to my life this time last year.
Here is what I am grateful for:
My health – Of all the things that have noticeably changed for the better my health ranks at the top of my list. To my knowledge this is the first Christmas I am no longer clinically diagnosable for PTSD. My therapist first made this determination in January of this year. It’s entirely possible that I had actually achieved this milestone by Christmas of last year since I didn’t have a reassessment of my health done until the following month. Regardless of the details of that time in my life nearly a year ago I can celebrate the fact that I have made immense progress.
My eyesight – This could easily fall under the category of my health. I am making a special mention of it here, however, because my eyesight has been a frequent topic in my blog. The EMDR therapy and shamanic journey-work I did in 2013 catalyzed an amazing shift in my eyesight. This unexpected change led me to find myself frequently noticing the beauty of the world in a way not typical of my recent life. Though I am an artist the trauma I had experienced as a kid had literally distorted how I perceived the world. I now have clearer vision than I have ever enjoyed as an adult.
My priorities – I am purging my life of patterns of behavior that no longer serve me. High on my list is no longer spending time with people who do not make time for me. This revamp of my life necessitated that I take a probing look at my longstanding and unresolved issues with my paternal family of origin. I made the painful choice to walk away from much of this side of my family due to the fact that my hurt, fear and anger have never been satisfactorily addressed. In 2015 and beyond I plan to refocus my attention and only spend time with people who express an appreciation of me as evidenced by their desire to spend time with me.
My health insurance – I would not be where I am at now without the valuable help of my health insurance. When I first obtained MA (Medical Assistance) insurance here in Minnesota in the summer of 2013 I had no idea just how much I would make use of it.
My friends – Yes, I certainly do have a reputation for being pessimistic on occasion. I see this as just one manifestation of how my life was touched by trauma at such an early age. I am grateful for the friends I have. A blessed life is one filled with the love and companionship of friends.
My willingness to keep trying – The last several weeks have been very difficult for me. I have felt immensely discouraged as I continue to keep seeking out the next meaningful step in my career. The job application rejections become wearisome after a while. I want to believe a better future will soon materialize. I certainly am doing everything I can humanly do.