Monday, December 8, 2014
The beginning of an especially demanding week for me arrived this morning at 5 a.m. I was actually a little surprised I woke up before my alarm went off. I was even more surprised that I felt relatively refreshed when I woke up.
The stress of my most recent week has been getting to me some. I find myself wrangling a bit with feelings of frustration, futility and even what I suppose could be called despair. I know I am going to have some sort of future but what kind of future will it be? When will I finally find myself leave behind the world of contract work? It’s like being in a pit in which the route of escape is almost impossibly slippery. I keep reaching out for support and I keep feeling frustrated with my progress. I don’t feel as if I am necessarily regressing but I do feel as if I am hitting another lull in the progress of my healing journey.
Sometimes delays are healthy and even inevitable. We all need pauses and breaks on occasion so we can renew our lives, refresh our focus and simply enjoy that which we are blessed with. I have been trying to see my current and recent frustrating circumstances as a mere pause in my general forward progress. And yet I feel quite certain I will begin to seriously lose my will to keep trying if I don’t start to experience more significant results in the near future. What do I mean by near future? I mean the next three months. I want to experience discernible, solid improvement in the next three months. I am currently beginning to conceive my goals for the calendar year of 2015. It is my intention that 2015 be the year when my life begins to decisively grow in a magnificent way.
I have my hearing with a judge tomorrow regarding my unemployment benefits claim. I found it very tacky that I received a statement in the mail this past weekend in which I was requested to make a payment towards the $3,400.00 the Minnesota Department of Employment and Economic Development insists was over-payed to me. The least the Department could do is wait until after the judge’s decision before sending out such paperwork.
I called the Appeals Office of Minnesota DEED this morning to speak with a representative about documentation relevant to my case. I expressed my frustration with a few aspects of the process. The woman I spoke with responded at one point in the conversation (regarding the judge) with the following statement: “They’re human beings. They’ll listen.” I almost laughed out loud when she said that.
I want to believe that I will be truly listened to in the course of my life. And yet the wounded boy I carried within me for so long still has some lingering resentment and skepticism regarding the likelihood that he will be listened to. My paternal family of origin is supposedly made up of human beings. And yet the listening skills of several members of my family of origin are, to be blunt, quite abysmal. A world in which people’s pain goes unacknowledged, un-honored and unhealed is a cruel world indeed. I would rather see and be part of a world in which people are truly heard and honored for who they are.
I met with a researcher who works for the University of Minnesota during my lunch break. I felt encouraged by our interaction. I have assembled quite a team of individuals to help me fully emerge from the abyss I fell into some eighteen months ago. I hope that my tenacity, intelligence and sheer force of will eventually lead me to a better life. I certainly feel as if I have been giving my recovery process the full power of my very being.
Something has to eventually change.