Monday, December 8, 2014

Do We Easily Become Versions Of Our Parents?

Monday, December 8, 2014


Yesterday I had a moment in which I felt some immense dismay.  I had just arrived home.  In a moment of frustration I threw my keys down.  I inadvertently punctured my water bottle.  And the bottle wasn't even made of plastic.

A short time later in the day I found myself reflecting on that brief moment of immense irritation.  I behaved in a way almost identical to how my father once did when I was a kid.  I still vividly recall him becoming so upset with me that he threw his keys down.  The keys punctured the kitchen floor.  I recounted that incident in a recent session with my therapist.  I remember speaking about how I wished that I could have left the kitchen (and our entire house) after that incident.  I do not remember how old I was at the time.  I do remember already feeling quite exhausted with my father's temper.  By the time I turned ten years old I had already become a cynical and mistrusting boy.  No boy should have to endure that.

Eighteen months have nearly passed since I began going to therapy again.  I feel like a much better version of my former self.  And I wasn't exactly a highly dysfunctional person before June, 2013.  I was a productive member of society who gave of my talents based in my belief that generosity and kindness should mark how I live my life.  Moments like my brief outburst of immense irritation yesterday remind me that the work of undoing the harm caused by the 'severely stressed parenting' I experienced can be quite a process.  When I find myself responding in a way that is literally identical to something my father once did I feel inclined to take a step back, pause, breathe and ask myself what I can do differently.  How can I be in the world in a way not at all like the most dysfunctional aspects of my father's way of living in the world?

Frightening outbursts of anger and rage are something I bore painful witness to more times than I can count when I was a kid.  My father and one of my uncles had a capacity for truly dysfunctional, off-putting behavior when they became extremely stressed.  It's my desire to create a new way of living that  doesn't feature such reactivity.

As I have noted elsewhere in my blog living in a different way is easier said than done.  But I believe it is possible to change and move forward.  The task is to remain loyal to those sometimes surprisingly simple things we can do each day to chart a new direction for our lives.




No comments:

Post a Comment

I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!