Monday July 22, 2013
The sun is about to set now. I have spent another day of my life continuing to work on issues from the recent and distant past. Reclaiming your own personal freedom can be an all consuming task.
My relatively unscheduled last day before my new job ultimately became a very full day as a result of my morning appointment to the Institute for Low Back and Neck Care. I was quickly referred for an MRI and X-rays of my low back and neck. In addition to the PTSD I am dealing with I also have some other health issues to address. This afternoon I followed up and made an initial visit for physical therapy. I was given an order for physical therapy as a result of my first appointment this morning.
More and more of my waking hours are being filled up with my efforts to restore my health. And as more of my life becomes consumed with my "Restore Me" project I find myself feeling a whole range of feelings. I am quite excited that I am finally being as aggressive as I apparently need to be in order to restore my health. I have no intention of allowing anyone or anything to stand in the way of my full recovery. And yet I also feel very sad and annoyed as well. I feel sad because the impact of my earliest years of life is still affecting me now so many years later. And I feel annoyed because it feels like my life keeps getting postponed further and further into the future. I was not planning on having my life be like this at my particular age. I had imagined something quite different. And yet here I am.
I do take some consolation in the fact that many, many people throughout the world are living through the year of 2013 in ways they never likely imagined. Despite the economic recovery supposedly in progress there are so many people throughout the world still suffering the effects of the economic implosion of 2008. I know I am not alone. It's amazing what the greed and self-absorption of a select few helped to unleash upon the world.
We humans sure can be excellent at royally screwing our own affairs up...as well as those of people we don't even know. Don't get me wrong: I have no desire to be pessimistic. But there are days when I just want to throw my hands up in the air and just give up. I've felt caught between a rock and a hard place for so long that it has become incredibly old. You know you are perhaps really struggling to maintain a positive outlook when your thoughts include something like "Well at least I don't have a terminal illness." I indeed do not have a terminal illness and I am quite grateful for what I do have in my life. My health is still quite good in comparison to many, many people throughout the world.
Among the many ideas I am being asked to let go of now is one that my life should have looked different than it ultimately will when I celebrate a milestone birthday in September. Given how my waking hours are becoming consumed with my efforts to restore my health it is also looking increasingly likely that I will need to ask for more time to complete the project that took me to Germany in May. This was not my plan. But healing requires an immense amount of flexibility!
I pray I can enjoy each day and be grateful for the gifts that come to me.