Monday July 8, 2013
I went to my first therapy session today in which I delved into my past history in order to heal what has still been haunting me. I must say I am quite pleased with the results. If today is an indication I am not only very ready to finally confront my oldest and deepest wounds but I am receiving the assistance of a very talented therapist. I feel very fortunate!
My therapist guided me back to a particular incident from my earliest years. It was the incident I recounted in an earlier blog posting in which my mother found me and my father in a public setting (at a restaurant) and then absolutely lost her composure. I eventually had to flee to my father's car while my father responded to my mother's appearance and confrontation.
Today, all these years later, I took off all the layers of feeling and verbalized all the feelings I had. I had felt sadness, weariness, terror and even anger. And I also consciously recognized that I felt guilt. I felt guilt because even at that early age I had already been soaking in a high anxiety environment for so long that somewhere in my little developing child brain I was beginning to wish my parents away and grow up with two individuals more capable of being parents. I love and have always loved my birthparents but growing up under their care was difficult to say the least. It's very sad when a child feels guilt because he wants a replacement for his parents even though he loves them.
My therapist aided my process of reentering this experience with a device that had two small squares. I held one square in each hand. He then calibrated the device to emit an alternating vibrational pulse that matched what I would call my own "inner vibrational frequency". Somehow this device helps the brain to actually purge trauma from the cells of the body when used in conjunction with a guided process of reentering a traumatic experience. I cried plenty during the process.
When I left with my good friend Davy I felt profoundly altered. It was difficult to put words to it at first. Eventually I started to scan my body. I noticed a profound difference. It felt like my first chakra energy center had been profoundly re-calibrated. It felt like a dense knot of energy had literally been vacuumed out of my first chakra. I felt so much lighter. I decided to celebrate by going for a jog when I arrived home.
My jog was an experience of technicolor. All my senses were saturated with the world around me. Everything was brighter. And at one point my sense of smell was overwhelmed by the scent of a flower whose name I cannot recall. I jogged in a state of wonderment and gratitude.
Now as I sit here and complete my recounting of my first actual session I can truthfully say I feel very encouraged. My hope is growing as is my strength. The courage I had to call upon to do the work I did today was worth it tenfold.