Monday, July 29, 2013
Sometimes I feel like I am literally facing the challenge of climbing up a piece of thread so incredibly thin and weak. The climb symbolizes the journey upwards out of the abyss and into the light and fresh air of freedom from the pain of the past. The thin thread represents how tenuous the journey is. Gentleness and mindfulness are required to climb up the thread that seems completely incapable of bearing my weight.
I feel quite overwhelmed (again) at the moment because it seems that my whole life has now become focused on "fixing" me. I have physical therapy beginning this week. I continue to loyally follow my daily practice of getting outside and enjoying the fresh air of summer mornings. In those moments when I feel hesitant to do so I remind myself that summer will not always be here. Change is a constant in life and eventually it will be autumn. I try not to think too much about that either at the moment. I do not feel at all ready for the changing colors of autumn that, though quite beautiful, presage the coming of the next season of winter.
I also feel overwhelmed because the response I have been garnering from my family as I disclose my diagnosis is not what I have been hoping for. It is, sadly, what I have been expecting. My feelings of being overwhelmed were so immense today that I had to step away from my job repeatedly to go outside. On one occasion I went outside and cried. I believe I will survive and be able to move forward but I feel immensely weary by the continued slog. Each step forward feels so agonizingly slow. So in an effort to encourage myself I am going to enumerate below the positive changes that have occurred since June 1st as a way to encourage myself. Sometimes it seems necessary to literally write out what is good in my life so that my eyes can see it and I can understand that I still have a lot to be thankful for even now.
So here is what is wonderful in my life that has appeared since June 1st:
I now have affordable health insurance
I now have a good therapist to work with whose skills I trust
I have a primary care physician whose judgment I also trust
I have a team of people to work with for my upcoming physical therapy
In the last week I have begun to sleep better
I now have lowered my anxiety level because I have had all my major systems within my body screened
I now have the beginnings of a job doing something I enjoy that is causes me little stress and is compatible with my current needs
I now have clarity about what I would like to do in the longer term in regards to my career (this is a big win for me!)
I follow a regular daily practice that helps me to enhance my ability to remain calm and positive (this has actually been true for quite some time now)
I have supportive local friends who know what I am going through and are providing me much needed assistance
I now have a renewed sense of connection to my family in Germany
Seeing these positive developments written out before my eyes gives me some consolation. I am hopeful that the quality of my life will continue to ascend from here.
The EMDR therapy I am doing in sessions with my therapist seems to be working. Whenever I leave his office I feel quite different. I realize I am processing my daily sensory experiences in a different way. I do not recognize that person which I am becoming. The invitation to let go is continuously before me.
After initially preparing to log off my computer for the night I had another powerful metaphor come into my thoughts. My life right now is much like a tree in desperate need of extensive pruning. Like me the tree needs time to repair itself. It thus needs the skillful attention of people who can prune and care for it to effectively redirect its energy so that it may thrive in the future.
Have a blessed night everyone!