It is quite late as I compose this. Today was my first day at my new job. My life is becoming very full now as I work to heal myself and return from the brink. I do not savor what stands before me but it is necessary to do the work I am embarking upon.
I saw my therapist again today. I had a lot to share given how much has unfolded in the last ten days or so. I shared a dream I recently had to illustrate how upset I have been feeling as of late. In my recent dream I dreamt that I had heartworms. I had long been convinced that heartworms is only something that dogs and cats can develop. However, upon waking from this unpleasant dream, I decided to briefly research the condition anyhow just to make sure. I was relieved to confirm that humans cannot get heartworms. Yet the metaphor from the dream stayed with me.
Tonight, after describing this dream to my therapist, I later used the expression "open up a can of worms". My therapist made me pause after I made this statement and drew my attention to what I had just said. It was an informative moment. I now have some greater insight into what I am feeling and thinking lately.
Put bluntly I feel a certain amount of fear that the work I do in this therapeutic journey is somehow going to "open up a can of worms" that will significantly alter the course of my life. And when I speak of significantly altering my life I mean to suggest such a profound change that it will somehow feel like much of my past life has been invalidated. When our egos have a tenacious hold on our sense of selves it can be difficult to allow such immense change to take place. But take place it must. And it's obviously especially vital that it take place in my case. I feel like an old identity is actively disintegrating right now. I would do well to let it go even if it is very painful to do so.
The worms in the heart can perhaps be interpreted as a symbol of the many turbulent feelings I have within myself. My heart is troubled as I come to recognize how my life needs to fundamentally change. As I open my heart to this process of change it becomes clear I need to honor all the threads of feeling therein.
It wasn't easy for me to go to see my therapist tonight. I do not mean that in a logistical sense. Thankfully I have a friend who helped me to get to my appointment today. Instead I speak in a psychological sense. The parking lot was virtually empty when I arrived. The journey to self realization can be a long and lonely one on occasion. The emptiness of that parking lot felt like another metaphor. It was a symbol of those wide open spaces that sometimes yawn vast and desolate within our interior lives. I pray that all good things necessary for me to move forward fill my life so that I may have the courage and endurance to move forward and heal.