Disintegration and the Ego

Wednesday, July 24, 2013


I went to the local YMCA today and did a brief boxing session with a trainer.  I cannot recall the last time that I have actually boxed with anyone.  It's just another example of my commitment to refashioning my life in a very new form.  I cannot clearly see the person I will become when this process of healing is over but I do have a strong feeling I will be a very different person from the one I am now.  As I continue to overhaul my identity in ways large and small I realize how vital it is to allow my ego to have a light grip on my sense of self.

My calendar for the month of August is quickly filling up as I make a variety of appointments to build momentum as I continue to move in the direction of restoring my health.  I have scheduled visits to my therapist twice a week for much of August.  And I will be seeing my acupuncturist frequently as well.  Much of my waking time outside of work is now filling up with my commitment to myself.  One day I hope to find my life in a state of balance.  I still feel far removed from such a state of equilibrium now.  But at least I am moving in the direction of renewed balance.

I try to remain grateful for all the good in my life.  Some days this proves very difficult to do.  Other days it is much easier.  On occasion I will try to motivate myself by reminding myself that there are many people who are never able to completely restore their health because the incident that harms them either permanently disables them or kills them.  I am fortunate in that my particular health challenge is not something that is terminal; it can indeed be overcome.  For all the hardship I have experienced in my own life I am still quite fortunate.  When I focus on that which is wonderful in my life it is easier to breathe each and every day.

I keep praying for more guidance to come to me in my dreams during my hours of sleep.  I trust it will come to me in good time.  I simply wish the nightmarish imagery would cease and desist.  I have experienced my fair share of nightmares throughout my life.  And enough of those have occurred during waking hours!  Perhaps I will recount more of my dreams here in this blog as I continue to write.

I do truly feel as if my identity is in a process of disintegration.  Something new will emerge in time.  As for now one of my many challenges is to allow and accept the process to unfold with minimal ability to see the outcome on the other side of the process.  This letting go is not an easy process but it is the most timely lesson that I am being reminded of again and again.

Another challenge I find myself confronted with on a daily basis is what I allow myself to be exposed to.  Whether it is the media, people on the bus or my own thoughts I find myself much more circumspect and cautious in what I allow myself to absorb.  There is so much trauma and sadness in the world.  But there is also an incredible amount of beauty, kindness and generosity.  It is good to focus only on the latter.  And the greatest of all is love.

Let me focus on love as I fall asleep tonight.