Tuesday, July 30, 2013
I must be really committed to writing in my blog every day. Here it is shortly past 11 PM and I need to be up at 6 AM already. I just took a very long bus ride home from my therapist's office. The good news is that my work schedule will change soon and should allow me to pick times to see my therapist when one of my friends can drive me there. I so appreciate supportive friends as I continue this process of healing.
Tonight my therapist and I used the EMDR technique to work on yet more unpleasant memories that were still lodged in my brain. I must say it really is an amazing process considering how I feel afterwards. I specifically honed in on a very unpleasant experience with my second stepmother in which I was essentially treated like a five year old when I was about fifteen years old. It's amazing to me how inappropriate so much of the parenting was that I received. It's also often amazing to me how I persevered through the challenges I did without suffering more harm. Resilience is a wondrous quality to have.
I am trying to think of some amazing wisdom to share tonight from the process I am undergoing. I suppose what is most timely to share is my sentiment that healing does in fact come when you remain loyal to the process. I most likely have a lot of work ahead of me still but I can feel my very brain changing as the EMDR begins to repattern my way of thinking and seeing the world. I even notice that my muscles are able to relax in a way I am not familiar with. Trauma truly does stay in body memory until dealt with in an appropriate way. As my brain releases the memory of various traumas I am confident that my body will begin to function better as well. I look forward to those days coming in the future!
What a month July has been! I've only been writing in this blog a month and already it feels like I have been writing for a long while. I enjoy the challenge of sitting down each and every day to share my thoughts of my journey. I suppose I could call July the month of Riding the Emotional Rapids. Or perhaps Walking Through the Wreckage of My Old Life is an even more appropriate title. August promises to be equally interesting it would seem. I have so many medical appointments in August it truly confounds my mind. But this is due partly to the fact that I am a very proactive individual and will be a true warrior to reclaim my health. Sometimes it is necessary to employ such discipline to reclaim something you deeply value. I hope that by the time August ends I will really feel I am settling into a rhythm and making great strides in my healing process. I feel confident this will happen. It is only a matter of time. It is a question of when rather than if.
It is nonetheless amazing how long the imprint of trauma can hold on. Even now I am aware of those echoes of the old fears that once captivated my mind more. When a person is deeply traumatized it can be very easy to fear or expect additional trauma. I can recall having those thoughts more frequently when I first began therapy at the beginning of this month. But that voice of fear and anxiety is fading gradually. The volume on the worry dial is growing lower and lower with each week.
Tomorrow I go in for a physical therapy appointment. It will be the first of several. Thursday I see my primary care physician to talk with him about my current health. And then Friday evening I will once again happily subject myself to the wonders of Pilates! Oh what an interesting journey it is when we commit to a healthy life!
You can indeed heal your life. It won't likely happen overnight. But make the commitment and you will quite likely see miraculous developments in due time.