Looking Back One Year Ago: May 21, 2013

Wednesday, May 21, 2014


My writing from one year ago...

Day 9 - Man muss wissen woher man kommt.

One car ride, three train rides, one taxi ride, one ferry ride and much walking later...whew...bin ich endlich in Helgoland. It sure is fun to mix languages together!

I departed Borken this morning with the generous assistance of my aunt's cousin's husband, Friedl, a man I had previously never met...unless I remember incorrectly. He is in his 80s and was nonetheless generous enough to wake up early and pick me up at 0530 am. I would like to be that type of person when I am in my 80s. As for now I want to close out my 30s by putting my life completely in order. It is time that I do so...and I certainly am working to do so.

While visiting Borken I conducted a ritual to honor my mother's family lineage...a family I knew much less about in comparison to my father's side. I learned much about my mother's family, and about myself, in the last few days. Indeed, yesterday I returned to my aunt's house and felt my head was positively full of information. It was a bit overwhelming I must say.

As Pema Choedroen has noted in her books...there is a certain wisdom in allowing your life that no longer serves you to fall apart and slough away. There are times in life when we need to experience a rebirth in every way that one can understand that term. I feel that I am going through this now.

Helgoland is beautiful...and foggy. And on my way on the ferry my heart skipped a few beats...due to some fun surprises!

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 20, 2013

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

My writing one year ago today...

Day 8

Das Wetter ist jetzt wieder kalt...es wird wahrscheinlich spaeter regen. Es gibt so viel die ich erzaehlen konnte. Das wird bald genug kommen. Interessant wie leicht es ist, wieder auf Deutsch zu sprechen.


......

I did not have much to say last year on this date so I will share something I wrote on the bus on the way to work this morning:

Last night I felt myself in the thick of my grief again.  Some days it is obvious to me what the trigger was that causes me to suddenly feel adrift among the ‘high seas’ of my grief.  On other days the clarity of insight feels a bit elusive.  But regardless of how clearly I can understand what causes me to find myself suddenly feeling caught in cascading waves of grief I do almost always have one question omnipresent in my mind when I feel the grief is upon me: ‘How in the world did I come to find myself in this place?’  In other words I sometimes feel that it simply cannot be possible that I am experiencing what I am going through.

Last night I dug up a photo of myself from 1977.  I turned 4 in September of that year.  I know the photograph was taken in Germany.  I do not know what the circumstances were that led my father to take a trip to Germany at that time.  My understanding is that that time must have been close to the dissolution of my parents’ marriage.  It still feels very strange to me when I ponder how so much grief got trapped inside my little child body…only to emerge over three decades later.  Little children should never be asked to carry such a leaden load of pain and suffering.

Nearly a year after the events of last summer led me to embark on a new direction I still find there are some days in which I feel ambivalent about continuing to remain dedicated to my therapeutic journey.  I want to continue to heal and create a rewarding life for myself.  But I find the process arduous at times because the process does demand a lot of me.  Being willing to rethink the future of my life, finally seeing the patterns that have played out too many times in my past relationships and being willing to prune my life of all that no longer serves me are not small tasks.  These tasks demand a courage and detachment from ego that many people will not muster…even if their very lives depend on doing so (as sometimes they do).

I can feel grateful that I have at least reached the developmental point where I can speak of my feelings and yet not feel owned by them.  True emotional health requires that we not be ruled by our feelings.  At least that is what I have come to believe.  A healthy question you can pose to yourself is this: ‘Am I having my feelings or are my feelings having me?’

Recovering By Degrees

Monday, May 19, 2014

Our climb out of a most bitter winter into the embrace of a chilly, damp spring has occurred in incremental steps.  Our emergence from the fierce grip of winter has not been a linear process.  In this way the turning of the wheel of the seasons mirrors my own recovery.  I too have been recovering one incremental step after another.  On many occasions it has felt something like climbing a flight of stairs out of a dark and dank basement. 

I worked a full day today at the Hospice Foundation.  It appears this will be my last week working there.  I have thankfully kept myself busy enough such that I haven’t given myself the time to allow my mind to wander to worrisome thoughts of what could happen if I don’t find a new position almost immediately after this one ends.  I have spent enough of my life worrying.

While doing some very tedious work today I found myself pondering the possibilities that could open to me if I am offered an interview for this position within NOAA, am later offered the job and then decide to take it.  It could lead me in directions I haven’t even conceived of recently if ever.  And securing such a position could perhaps finally lead me to a great feeling of satisfaction.  I have given so much to others in my life.  Sometimes I felt as if I was a fool to have given as much time in volunteer service as I did.  Even my own father, in one of the better moments of our relationship, expressed the sentiment that I had done enough volunteer work for two lifetimes.  I hope one day all my striving will eventually lead me to a life of real balance.  I feel myself moving in that direction.  But as with any process it takes some time to accomplish.

From what I know the series of positions opening up will include spots in Alaska, California, Florida and New England.  I have lived in California and New England previously.  I could see myself taking the adventurous leap of living in Alaska.  I cannot really see myself in Florida…at all.  The culture there strikes me as very dysfunctional.

This unexpected opportunity has presented me with the challenge of juggling yet another item in my life at a time when I already feel nearly at my limit to manage what I already am dealing with.  If it is true that the Cosmos never gives you more than you handle than it must be true that I am one resilient, strong man.  I know this to be true.  Less resilient people would probably not have survived what I have experienced in my life.

Another day has passed in my ongoing journey of recovery.  The world around me is filled with green and moisture.  If I didn’t know better I could almost imagine I was in Ireland.  Ireland is yet another place I would like to visit one day.

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 19, 2013

Monday, May 19, 2014


My writing one year ago...

Day 7, Part I Es ist unglaublich (It is unbelievable)

It is unbelievable how fast my ability to converse and think in the German language has emerged since I arrived yesterday here in Borken for a visit to my German relatives. As I already must depart tomorrow for Helgoland I will make no more updates today. Check back tomorrow for a lengthy reprise of my wondrous weekend.

Es ist unglaublich wie schnell ich mein Leben aendern kann. Spaeter heute werde ich die Familie Wellkamp Hof besuchen. Ich werde die Chaunce geniessen, mehr ueber mein Omas Vaters Familie kennenzulernen. Ich verstehe endlich...es ist moeglich, dein Leben komplett gesund und heilen zu machen. Ich habe nie so gut in meinem Leben gefuehlt. Wieviel Leute koennen so sagen?

Translation:

It is unbelievable how fast I can change my life. Later today I will visit the Wellkamp family farm. I will enjoy the opportunity to learn more about my grandmother's father's family. I finally understand, it is possible to completely heal your life. I have never felt so good in my life. How many people can say this?

When Dreams Collide, Part I

Sunday, May 18, 2014


I went to the Minneapolis Institute of Arts today to enjoy the final day of the Matisse exhibit.  I scored a ticket as an unexpected delight while working on behalf of the Allina Health Hospice Foundation these past seven weeks.  It was nice to give myself a break from the gradually building number of commitments I have in my schedule.

As I just remarked on my Facebook page it seems as if my life has thus far been fated to be marked by periods of calm predictability occasionally punctuated by periods in which so much seems to change all at once.  The period I am entering now seems to be another time pregnant with the potential for significant change.  And it makes sense in a way considering that a major change in the world of astrology is about to occur.  Mars is about to shift out of the retrograde phase it has been in since March.

Last week I unexpectedly learned of an opportunity within the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration.  I was interested in launching a career within the organization once I completed my studies in California back in 2011.  But my determination did not immediately pay off.  Despite volunteering my time for the NOAA Monterey Bay National Marine Sanctuary and later working as an intern at the Office of National Marine Sanctuaries in Silver Spring, Maryland I never found a way into the organization in a paying capacity.  Perhaps my ship will now finally come in three years after I finished school.  It seems as if it has been an eternity since May, 2011.

I feel as if different dreams I have held for myself at different moments in my life are suddenly vying for my attention.  Once I went back to the realm of paying work in March of this year I decided to focus primarily on moving in the direction of healthcare.  I have been especially interested in issues that are found at the intersection of environmental policy and public health.  I now have myself planted on a path in this new direction.  And I could go in a number of directions.  I feel a bit befuddled at the moment.  There are so many factors to consider in the decisions I will be making in the next few weeks and months.

And here I was planning to take a break from writing during the month of May...

Ha ha.

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 18, 2013

Sunday, May 18, 2014


My writing one year ago...

Day 6, Part II - On the Train

I am on my way to Germany now. I had those typical thoughts many people have when you have an important train or plane to catch. You can plan to be early to a destination and then end up arriving late through no fault of your own. Thankfully that did not happen to me this morning.

Something I have noticed that has been happening in the last few years is that more and more I find myself wanting to ease into the day and take my time in the morning. I don't know if that makes me a morning person...because quite honestly I don't much enjoy getting up that early. It's more that I am a "Likes to Enjoy His Morning By Taking It Slow" person.

I am grateful that I will have my uncle Bernhard meet me at the train station in Duisburg. Visiting with my mother with the company of another relative does not seem like the best idea...especially considering how long it has been since I last visited.

Just like yesterday morning I found myself breathing quite quickly in a few moments. It was a mixture of anticipation, anxiety and stress yesterday. And it is the same today.

"I love. I am sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you."

Day 6, Part III As My Eyes Nearly Slam Shut

It is nearly midnight as I compose this final entry here in the town where my mother grew up. Eleven years later I am back in the land of my mother's ancestors. It has been a wondrous pleasure to return here...and simultaneously very sobering that eleven entire years can pass so quickly. Time waits for no man.

I visited with my mother today. Her health is certainly not what it once was. She now has some degree of dementia in addition to her original schizophrenia she developed as a young woman. My uncle had given me some indication of this shift...so I was not completley surprised.

I went to the graveyard where my grandparents and one of my aunts are buried. It is sobering to lose relatives when they are only young adults. I have certainly called upon the hardiness of my own genes to transcend the challenges that have come my own way in my life. I have already outlived...and "outperformed" some of my closest relatives...and I am still relatively young.

I sat and spoke about my mother's family over dinner this evening. It was very educational. Let's say I have much greater insight into my family now than I once had. And for that I am most grateful.

More tomorrow.

Green Power

Saturday, May 17, 2014

As anyone who follows the weather closely can concur the seasons of the year don’t seem to mean what they once did.  Predictability is going out the window as the weather patterns become more extreme and bizarre.  California began having wildfires months ago…and it’s now only May.  In a typical year it isn’t unreasonable to expect rainfall in the northern half of the state into at least March and often even April.  Rainstorms in May are a bit unusual…but so is a wildfire season that begins months early.

Here in Minnesota it is the second year in a row with a delayed and somewhat meager Spring.  This is also only the second spring I have been living here in Minnesota.  I have thus felt a bit disappointed by the ‘Spring’ weather.  Winter has been hesitant to clearly cede its place to Spring.  But now the world is finally blooming nicely.

Last year at this time I was traveling in Europe as part of my McCloy Fellowship.  It was a bit strange because it seemed the entire season of Spring came and went in the mere nineteen days I was away.  When departing on May 13^th of last year the trees were only finally really beginning to bud out.  When I returned on June 1^st the world was filled with greenery.  One season seemed to have about nineteen days.  Local meteorologist Paul Douglas calls the extremes of weather both locally and globally ‘weather whiplash’.  I have to say I agree with his assessment.  Predictability is indeed flying out the window.  What is replacing predictability seems a bit…ominous.

At this time last year my eyes were still not functioning as well as they are now.  While standing outside in the bright sunshine this morning I felt a bit overwhelmed by the brilliance of the sunshine.  It’s as if my eyes are becoming drunk on sunlight…as well as everything else.  Everything is so incredibly vivid now that I am finally seeing the world in a clearer way and am more fully present in my own body.  Many days it still feels a bit surreal to be me.  But gradually I am adjusting to the ‘New and Improved Me’.

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 17, 2013

Saturday, May 17, 2014


My writing one year ago today...

Day 5, Part I - Moving at the Speed of Light...and seeking Relaxation!

Today has been a more encouraging day. I am already done with my first consultation visit...and it went quite well. It's amazing how much this trip is demanding of me intellectually (as well as in other respects). I am taking supplements to support my health and mitigate my stress level. I can't imagine how I would feel if I didn't!

I used the Brussels Metro system this morning to reach my first appointment. On my first train we suddenly came to a jarring halt. People nearly flew off their feet; I was sitting down and thankfully took it in stride. Such sudden stops are a simple reminder that we can have lovely intentions all we want...but then we have to let them go and ride the wave of whatever day we are living. Who knows where the wave will go! Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

I have been wanting to go to a big dance event tonight. But there are two issues. One is that I need sleep to be functionally coherent tomorrow when I expect to see my mother again for the first time since 2002. It will probably be demanding enough of me emotionally that I don't need to add to the stress by being sleep deprived. And then there are my feet. I feel like I have callouses on them...the cobblestones of Brussels did wonders for my feet yesterday. My feet are telling me to not go out dancing. Oye! My body has made that decision for me!

Day 5, Part II - And now for something completely different...

I am pleased to say that my day today flowed much more smoothly than yesterday. Though I find the cobblestone sidewalks of Brussels beautiful I do not much care for how it feels to walk on them. And the rain we have had every day has done wonders for my best pair of shoes. Luckily they have not been destroyed...unlike my 50 Euro cent map of Brussels. The map looks like a dog mauled it...badly.

Now I get to switch gears and focus my attention on my coming visit with my German family. Much as I would like to go out and enjoy the nightlife of Brussels I feel it is a wiser investment of my time to be quiet and meditate on my relationship with my mother so I can be in a clear frame of mind tomorrow.

Day 5, Part III - A Kid on Christmas Eve

Europe is so far north in the Northern Hemisphere that the residents in this continent experience very lengthy periods of dawn and dusk. Unlike the tropics where the sun sinks below the horizon at nearly a right angle to the horizon, here the sun here leisurely sinks below the horizon like a person enjoying a leisurely stroll with no particular destination in mind.

A calmness has settled over me that I did not feel earlier today. I feel proud of what I have accomplished in the last several days. And I feel especially pleased with the personal work I have done to prepare myself for visiting my family tomorrow.

It's been so long since my last visit that I feel a bit torn. The wiser choice would seem to be to go to bed early and get a long night of rest. And yet another part of me wishes to bear witness...to watch the light gradually drain from the sky and watch night knit itself from the remains of this day...the last day in what has been such a long time since I visited my mother's homeland, my Germany. I feel this inclination to stay up through the night and bear witness to this last night before I return to Germany...I feel this deep yearning to be "a night owl" and then, after the deepest of the night passes, watch light return to the world and illuminate the countless contours of this rainy and windy city, this place called Brussels. I want to see the light reborn...much as it has been in my heart...to see the darkness vanish away in the presence of the power of the Sun...our source of Life. I want to celebrate a sunrise on this day that is the next day to come...this day when I will cross the border into Germany.

I have such a sense of anticipation that it resembles that of a child waiting for Santa Claus to come visit at Christmas.

I marveled at the lusciousness of moving slowly while eating dinner tonight. I looked out at the trees waving gently in the wind, at the people in the restaurant I went to, at the countless hues and shadows present in all directions. I marveled as darkness fell. I also marveled as I ate each bite of my ravioli. When you feel fully alive, everything takes on an exquisite quality...everything radiates its inherent luminosity.

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 16, 2013

Friday, May 16, 2014


My writing one year ago today...

Day 4, Part I

Now it is starting to become really "interesting"...

Today I will be visiting two organizations as part of my research tour with the American Council on Germany. Those organizations are Oceana and Oceans and People. I'll post a link to Oceana at the bottom of this commentary.

So yesterday I had a most unexpected spontaneous divination session with two dear women friends (Erin Langley and Melanie Corrigan) who were students at the time I attended Naropa University. As some of you on Facebook know one of the arts I was mentored in at that time was learning the ancient systems of divination my ancestry used. One system common in northern Europe were the runes.

Yesterday Erin, Melanie and I did a reading despite being separated by thousands of miles. And what a reading it was. The results inspired me to remember that the wholeness of the world and the wholeness within each of us are inextricably linked. When we heal ourselves we actually heal the world "outside" of us...as the outside is a reflection of the inside. This is one tenet I have learned from learning about the Hawaiian art of Ho'oponopono.

One of the runes also extended an invitation to acknowledge that what we shove into our individual and collective shadows needs to be honored and reclaimed. Much personal power can be discovered when we work to synthesize our light and shadow selves. And so my question for the day (inspired by Mark Hollenstein's daily question series) is: What have you exiled to the shadow-world that you wish to reclaim?

Thank you again to Apela Colorado. As one of my most influential mentors I would not be the person I am today without your love and support.

More coming later today!

Day 4, Part II

Before I embarked on my trip to Europe I did a tarot reading to give me a sense of what might be in store for me on my journey. I was delighted to discover the most positive set of seven cards I have ever pulled in a reading. And one of the cards I drew was the Magician Card. I have been meditating on this card this morning...as I again enjoyed a wonderful breakfast.

It's become obvious to me that I am meant to be developing some greater skill as a magician. I was reminded of this by friends such as Willow Aray. I have also been reflecting on my life and pondering what kinds of friends I have and what they tend to do for a vocation. And it comes as no surprise that many of them are mystical people who engage in magical work such as shamanic journey work. Indeed, if I count them out I see I have many such friends involved in this work. Some of them include John Ravenmoon, Carol Carmick, Joe Doherty, Andrew Killilea-Moore, Birgit Sperling Stearns, et al. It's an informative process to reflect on the friends you keep...because in some way your friends mirror back to you who you are as a person...or who you would like to be.

When I decided to embark on this journey I had many wishes in my heart. I am pleased to see many of them are coming true...and I pray that all the good wishes in my heart...for my own life...and for those I love...come true as well! Despite the many obstacles I have faced in my life I have nonetheless enjoyed an extremely rewarding life. And for this I am very grateful. — in Brussels, Région De Bruxelles-Capitale, Belgium.

Day 4, Part III - The Episode known as "Bernd needs a trail of bread crumbs"

So today has not flowed quite like I expected it would...I am physically wiped out at the moment. Nonetheless it has been a very educational day...and not just because of my visit to Oceana. My visit to Oceana was in fact enjoyable and productive. Who knows where the connections I am establishing will lead me. The path forward is not clear.

Speaking of the path forward...it was surreal what happened when I left the Oceana office and tried, repeat TRIED, to make my way back to my accommodation. I got lost. More than once. More than many times. If I had counted how many times I think I would have felt mortified. I literally got lost every time I thought I was going in the right direction. I retraced my steps back to the Oceana office. Even after retracing my steps back to the office I STILL got lost. And this was with a map! And of course it was raining the whole day. But what was MORE interesting was what I saw when I began the process of retracing my steps back to Ocean's office. As I went backwards (in a sense) into that past moment of being at that office I literally saw my own past life symbolized in countless images and people.

Ever since I began practicing Ho'oponopono I have really started to see and believe that our inner world is vividly reflected in our outer world...in the supposed world separate from us. These things I saw on the way back...all the way back to my accommodation:

* I ended up walking behind a man using a crutch for his left side. My left side is the weaker side and I have had issues with it on occasion. Near the end of walking behind him we both encountered a near traffic jam of people in wheelchairs crossing a street.

* I went into a puzzle store on a whim. Inside were some puzzles that grabbed my attention. Three in particular were a Titanic puzzle, a puzzle featuring the night sky and one of San Francisco. These all represent significant associations to my past.

* At another point I was walking and encountered a virtual parade of young students, all speaking in German, walking the other direction. My mind drifted to those times I had wondered how my life would have been different had I grown up in Germany.

* What MOST stands out was a building I encountered as I retraced my steps. The building looked derelict. On the side I first noticed was the word "Mad" in spray paint. The letters were two stories tall. And I thought about how mad or angry I have been in my life previously.

* References to God and the Devil also appeared. I saw a theatre where the movie "Only God Forgives" was playing. Now check out the plot line:

"Julian, a drug-smuggler thriving in Bangkok's criminal underworld, sees his life get even more complicated when his mother compels him to find and kill whoever is responsible for his brother's recent death."

The plot features a complex tale involving a man's relationship with his mother. I am hoping to address my own complicated relationship with my mother in a healing way on this trip!

I then thought of links I posted just yesterday...two of them featured reference to the Devil.

When I was nearly back "home" I saw an ad for a concert. The title was "God is a DJ"...

There is a heaven and hell theme going on here...

It became more and more surreal as I noticed this theme continuing to unfold around me. It was all such a mirror image of what has populated my inner world. The outside WAS in fact revealing my inside.

Besides what I learned at Oceana today I learned even more about myself walking home. Getting lost in a geographic sense made me realize how much I have felt lost in a spiritual and psychological sense earlier in my life.

In this trip I hope to find my "real" self...my authentic me. It is a profound journey to reclaim all pieces of yourself.

Thanks again to Andrew Killilea-Moore and Birgit Sperling Stearns. This journey will be unforgettable.

Day 4, Part IV - Staring into the Void of Primal Fear

It's been an interesting day. Yeah, that is an understatement. This day has not evolved at all like I wished it to. I have so much preparation work to do for my interviews tomorrow...and I am so exhausted. But I suppose that is what can happen when you are juggling a research project in one hand and the emotional roller coaster you feel churning through you as you prepare to meet your family again...the family you have not seen in a decade...the family you felt alienated from as a kid...the family that means a lot to you...but you have not always said as much.

Fear has to be our most primal emotion. It stirs us to fight or flight. We can cower...or we can overpower. I am not going to allow fear to stop me from doing what is in my heart. I don't care how dramatic, overwrought, pathetic or sad I might seem when I write about this on Facebook or talk to my friends in other ways. To be human is to be wounded. To be human is to be disappointed. To be human is to be confused. To be human is to wonder. To be human is to require courage. To be human is to risk everything for the love of something you treasure.

I have missed my family in Germany quite a lot. I sensed when I began this trip that I would get in touch with this feeling more...and that it might loom larger than I was consciously aware of. And it sure has! This grief is like a well you cannot see the bottom of.

I lit a candle tonight in honor of my ancestors...that I might rediscover a sense of wholeness and connection to ALL my family...to ALL my relations.

Love is the most powerful force in the Cosmos.

A Present Highlight and Past Darkest of Thoughts

Thursday, May 15, 2014

The highlight of my evening yesterday was tracking down a colleague I had when I was a Jesuit scholastic living in Chicago.  A mutual friend who has remained in the Jesuits made the simple recommendation that I google him.  And of course I tracked him down very quickly.

It’s strange how quickly fifteen years has passed.  My colleague Tim is still a very attractive man…now entering his late 40s.  How did that happen?  I also looked him up on his LinkedIn profile.  It appears he has been successful in his chosen profession as well.  I am happy for him.

As for myself I must admit to feeling a bit as though I have frittered my life away.  In all truth I know I have not.  I just still find myself wishing that I would have discovered the treatments that ultimately so transformed my life earlier in my life.  Then perhaps I would not be going through the transformation I have been undergoing as my 40s began.  But I am happy that such healing came to me.  It’s better that it happened ‘late’ than not at all.

Joy and grief continue to intermingle within me.  I am very pleased that Spring has finally arrived.  It’s a wonderful relief after a very long winter.  The color green is everywhere to be seen.

……

Despite my efforts to create a comprehensive medical record for myself last summer shortly after the whole structure of my life imploded I still find myself sometimes struggling to recall how I managed to spend so much time in therapy earlier in my life and yet not apparently truly resolve my long-standing issues.  For example, I am trying to remember if I ever previously spoke with a mental health care practitioner about some of the darkest thoughts I have ever entertained.  I am not referring to suicidal ideation.  I am instead referring to the feeling I have sometimes had that I really should never have existed at all.

As with other painful thoughts I am sure I am not alone in pondering the likelihood and value of my own existence.  It sometimes seems rather incredible to me that I came to be at all considering who my parents were early in their own lives.  My mother did not become pregnant with me until approximately two years after she was married to my father.  And yet I recall my father once telling me he apparently thought something was ‘off’ about my mother on their wedding night.  I suppose his impression did not persist otherwise I think my father would have had the presence of mind not to have a baby with my mother.  At least I would like to believe that my father would have been so mindful.

Some women become pregnant without even trying to do so.  Sometimes they are healthy.  Sometimes they are not.  I thought of this just the other day while waiting for the bus.  A woman was adjusting her child’s coat while she was smoking.  I can only wonder what that child’s health will be like in fifteen years if he is exposed to second hand smoke on a daily basis throughout his entire childhood.  Perhaps the child will be one of the lucky ones and his mother will quit sooner rather than later.

Then there are other cases in which both mother and father are not in the best place in their own lives when they suddenly discover they will be biological parents.  I wonder if that was the story in my own case.  I suspect it is true.

I cannot consciously remember a protracted period of time in my earliest years of life in which my mother was consistently healthy and stable.  It would be a lovely thing if I had such memories to recall to mind.  I sense that the difficulty I have found in my adult life in creating a stable, healthy, rewarding life for myself is due partly to the lack of good modeling of stability I experienced growing up.  It’s not healthy for me to blame the present quality of my life completely on my childhood…eventually I have to grieve that which I lost (or never had) and ultimately finally focus completely on the present and future (instead of the past, present and future all at once).  I am making progress towards this goal but it takes time to do so.

I realize that it would be a healthy choice to at least broach the subject of this dark feeling that ‘I should never have been’ with my therapist.  I do not find myself ruminating in such a thought often.  But somehow this feeling is connected to the grief that I feel in such an omnipresent way now.  To attend to one will in some way therefore help me to attend to the other.

I believe it is not of value in the slightest to spend much time pondering such an existential question as to whether I should ever have been born or not.  I am here now and I have a lot to offer the world.  I only wish the economics of the present day world were better.  The last many years have been devastating for so many people.  They certainly were for me.  And yet gradually I am crawling out of the abyss.

Looking Back One Year Ago: May 15, 2013

Thursday, May 15, 2014


My writing one year ago today...

Day 3, Part I

What a beautiful morning I have awoken to...mostly because it is ANOTHER morning...and my life continues to move in a more and more pleasurable direction.

I changed my profile picture to something much more appropriate to this journey I am on. I love the imagery of the choppy waters and the brilliant full moon shedding its light upon the world. Sometimes we know not where we are traveling in the world...we only know that we are going somewhere....a somewhere that is not where we are now.

I've been listening to music performed by the San Francisco Gay Men's Chorus...including the Naked Man CD. It's amazing what beautiful memories it stirs in me...and how listening to these songs leads me to see this most beautiful contribution I was honored to be a part of over the years. I have been blessed with a voice that I can combine with others to inspire love and hope in others. I so love to SING!

I honored the memory of my ancestors this morning by singing "The First Day I Saw You"...

Today I have no particular plans other than to enjoy this city around me and allow myself some 'breathing room' in my life...some time to enjoy, to visualize, to eat, to dream and to play.

I'm finally beginning to get a clearer vision of my "ideal job"...I used keywords to describe my talent themes and wrote a sentence incorporating each and every word. This is the rough draft of what I came up with...

I LOVE PEOPLE AS THEY ARE AND INCLUDE THEM IN THE PRACTICE OF CARING FOR THEIR COMMUNITIES…MOST ESPECIALLY THE NATURAL WORLD. I ENHANCE COMMUNITIES THROUGH FACILITATING THE DEVELOPMENT OF PEOPLE’S INDIVIDUAL POTENTIAL. I USE EMPATHY TO HELP PEOPLE OVERCOME OBSTACLES IN THEIR LIVES. I LISTEN AND WEAVE A NEW STORY WITHIN COMMUNITIES TO HELP COMMUNITIES BE STRONG. I TEACH PEOPLE THE ART OF HO’OPONOPONO. I SERVE AS A DETECTIVE TO LEARN WHAT IS NEEDED AND DESIRED IN A COMMUNITY. I PROTECT THE RESOURCES UPON WHICH A COMMUNITY DEPENDS. I NURTURE THE HEARTS OF THOSE I WORK WITH. I HELP PEOPLE TO EXPLORE THE WORLD AROUND THEM.

Day 3, Part II

A blustery wind is blowing in Brussels today. I went to get my train tickets to Duisburg, Germany as well as my ticket for next Monday to Cuxhaven, Germany....where I will then take a ferry to go to Helgoland. Everything is unfolding beautifully and I am so grateful.

Tomorrow I make my first consultation visits to people with Oceana and Oceans and People. I look forward to what will unfold!

This is a rune of great power that draws a moment of deep regeneration, a search for the whole. It indicates the need to be aware of your essence in order to express it in a creative way; thus increasing your life force. It also notes the need to admit something that you have refused for a long time, something that has remained in the shadow. Now it is the time to bring it into light and allow the Sun to bathe it with new energies. It might be sensible to stay apart from a situation that pushes; one has to remember that one’s withdrawal in the right moment is not a sign of weakness, but strength. Put into practice the art of doing without acting.