Being Healthy...Every Day

Friday, November 27, 2015


The world of retail calls today Black Friday. I personally enjoyed a Relaxed Friday. It was a great gift to have very little to do today. I feel fortunate to have several days in a row off so I can take some time to recharge. The holidays are often not an easy time for me. I can easily find myself thinking about my family of origin. And soon I might find myself spiraling down into a deep (though temporary) funk when I bring to mind the reality that I am not on speaking terms with my paternal family of origin.

Nearly two and a half years have passed since "all hell broke loose" in my life in 2013. I put that phrase in quotes because it has such a dramatic ring to it. Though that time in my life was indeed horrible there was never anything (to my knowledge) that happened during that time that was life threatening. I was miserable for quite a while due to the fact that I had placed my trust in a number of people...and then I learned, in rather quick succession, that several people I had trusted were not at all trustworthy.

Stress and fear can bring out the worst in people. I believe you can often learn a lot more about who people truly are when they are stressed and enduring immense loss as compared to when their lives are filled with joy and contentment. The good times make for smooth sailing in life. It's the dark storm clouds of chaos and pain that overwhelm many people. It is easy to begin living in survival mode when stress and suffering persist over a long period of time.

Recovery from trauma is a process. I have commented on this elsewhere in my blog. In this regard trauma recovery is not unlike recovery from other challenges that life may present us. Challenges such as financial setbacks, physical health issues and catastrophic events (such as losing your home in a fire) all may often require us to diligently work to recover. Such recovery work will require us to commit some amount of time so that we may ultimately overcome such difficulties. Lasting recovery may thus prove especially challenging for those who do not come by patience easily. Discerning a realistic ending in a journey of trauma recovery may prove quite difficult when you first embark on such a journey. I know this from my own personal experience. It is no coincidence that my own blog references the word 'odyssey' in the title. I have often felt as if I have been on a journey of healing for a very long time!

I now generally feel as if I am living a fairly healthy life on a daily basis. There are still some moments when I find myself ruminating on old hurts and disappointments. There are days when I feel very unmotivated and even deeply pessimistic about the likelihood that I will one day achieve those big, amazing dreams we all supposedly have for our individual lives. Some days I feel as if my very ancient grief (which first appeared in my childhood when I nearly lost both of my biological parents by the age of nine) still has immense power to distort my view of the world around me. But thankfully these issues continue to wane with time. The trend line of my life continues to point up. I feel optimistic about my prospects for my future.

The world at large is another matter. With some individuals drawing comparisons between one of our current supposedly credible GOP contenders for the 2016 Presidential election ("The Donald") and Adolf Hitler it's not at all surprising that some people would feel depressed about the state of affairs throughout the world. Chaos seems to reign in many parts of the world. The potential long term consequences of an Islamic State continuing to undermine the stability of Africa, Europe and the Middle East are too horrifying to easily contemplate. Meanwhile the Pacific Basin is experiencing a monstrous El Nino which may easily set records during this upcoming winter. It doesn't appear we are going to do anything genuinely significant about human induced climate change until catastrophic disruption of the global climate is not only upon us but largely irreversible.

When pondering the world at large I try to take pause when I find myself feeling deeply pessimistic. Given my own life history it can be difficult to clearly identify what portion of my pessimism is attributable to the trauma I endured as a child and what portion is a healthy and proportionate response to what I witness occurring in the world around me.

There is only so much that one person can do in the world. I am deeply aware of that given my current professional commitment. And yet I nonetheless believe that we could successfully address the biggest problems of the world if we would bring more courage, creativity and determination to bear to seeking solutions to those problems.

The world needs more love rather than more money. We need people committed to living lives of open-heartedness.

Illumination

Monday, November 23, 2015


I had a very enjoyable meeting this morning. My meeting was with a man who works for a company I am becoming increasingly interested in. What made the meeting all the more memorable was the fact that a certain song came over the speakers of the coffee bar we met at while we were still in 'meeting mode'. It was the song 'Breathe Me'. This song became a permanent part of my personal music favorites  after being featured in the finale of the television show Six Feet Under. The song coupled with the finale of this well received show has a way of making the most emotionally reserved of us human beings turn (at least briefly) into sobbing heaps. If there is one television show finale that powerfully captures the ephemeral quality of human existence it is the finale of Six Feet Under. I experienced what happened this morning as a powerful synchronicity.

I have long believed in the significant value of incidents of synchronicity. But what is a synchronicity? The term synchronicity was conceived by Carl Jung and can be described as "a significant coincidence of physical and psychological phenomena that are acausal connected." The worldview I apply to my daily life includes this particular instruction when a synchronicity occurs: Pay Attention! I found myself paying close attention when I became aware that the song 'Breathe Me' was playing during the particular meeting I had this morning. I took this meaningful coincidence as a sign that my crossing paths with this man could be the beginning of something profound in my life.

My day continued to feel exceedingly significant to my future life when I realized that this unexpected incident this morning happened on the anniversary of a session I did two years ago with a local shamanic practitioner. The day felt incredibly filled with both reminders of my past and hints of possibilities for my future.

It will soon be time for me to end my waking hours for this day. I will go to bed feeling excited about what I can manifest in my future life. I felt I had something of a breakthrough regarding the future possibilities open to me (and my openness to them) due to what happened this morning.

Life has an amazing way of leading us down paths we might never have imagined we would take.

The Perils Of Working Too Much

Sunday, November 22, 2015


I spent much of my weekend engaged in work. Yesterday I attended a leadership development program  I have been attending since late September. Today I made visits to two local Catholic parishes to promote the work of my current employer. I thus had to be up quite early on both days. I didn't have much of a chance to relax this weekend. I am therefore grateful that the forthcoming week will be an abbreviated one.

I don't feel that I am burning out again. But I do have a persistent awareness of both the risk of burnout as well as the signs that may begin appearing when a person is approaching a stage of burnout. The multi-faceted practice of self-care is vital for anyone engaged in one of the helping professions. Though my self care skills are still not as well developed as I would like them to be I nonetheless do feel good about the skills I am able to bring forth to direct my life.

When living an active life it is wise to be consistently mindful of what your priorities are.

Visions of California...and Beyond

Friday, November 20, 2015


Something unexpected happened yesterday. And it has me wondering about the full range of future possibilities that I could allow myself to realistically explore.

I logged into my LinkedIn profile and discovered someone from the Monterey Bay area of California had recently looked at my profile. When I reviewed this individual's profile I found my interest piqued. I actually began having a fantasy of getting a job with the organization this person works for. And suddenly I found myself imagining living in California once more.

It's not an understatement for me to claim that these last few years of my life have been profoundly transformational. I feel very different (and much healthier) as compared to how I felt over four years ago when I left California upon completing graduate school. I wish I had known about EMDR therapy earlier in my life history. Had I known about this powerful therapeutic tool I might have made better choices earlier in my life. I might have found and sustained a measure of vitality in my life many years sooner. I might be "more" successful in my professional life than I am now. I put the word 'more' in quotes because it would be untrue to state I am not successful now. I have created a measure of success in my life thus far. But I want more.

I will state that again: I want more. And I not only want more but I feel I genuinely need more. I feel that I need more of so many things. I need more love. I need more friendship. I need more intimacy. I need more fun. I need more exuberance. I need more of the fundamental elements necessary to create a vital and rewarding life.

The question that stands before me so often now is a question of how I can attend to the grief and sadness that I still feel so often. Such heaviness does not characterize my life on a daily basis. But I am nonetheless often aware of a heaviness within me borne of the extensive suffering and feelings of fear and anxiety I experienced so often when I was a small child. This pervasive fear and anxiety persisted for years. I simply became unconscious of the depth of my suffering because being conscious of it on a daily basis was simply too overwhelming. I developed a capacity for intensive dissociation as a way of dealing with the anxiety and fear I felt on a regular basis. June, 2013 marked a time when the immense amount of unacknowledged suffering and inner turmoil I had long carried finally erupted into my conscious world. I felt completely blindsided during that time. I felt devastated for many months. It was scary.

Nearly two and a half years have passed since that difficult time. My life is fairly serene now. I have a network of friends and others who provide me valuable support. I have a day job I enjoy. I have other interests I pursue as well. I am pondering what I will do in my future professional life. I am actively networking to learn more about what suitable opportunities may be open to me. In short, my life is quite good now.

But that sadness still resides in my heart. It is a sadness borne of living many, many years in such a manner that my capacity to fully experience the present moment was at least somewhat compromised. My sadness does not define me. Indeed, even on a bad day the sadness I carry feels nothing like it did as recently as six months ago. In a similar manner my 2013 diagnosis of PTSD does not define me either. The horrible events of my childhood do not define me either. I can move forward and I can transcend the obstacles I had to overcome.

I feel an excitement about my future I have not always felt. I believe 2016 and beyond may yet prove to be the best years of my life. I certainly intend to make every effort to realize this vision for myself. And I am going to continue to pray for guidance and support as I make my journey forward.

Freezing Time

Wednesday, November 18, 2015


I recently began the process of seriously thinking about what I want to do once my current professional role supposedly expires next August. I say "supposedly" because I have been thinking about the pros and cons of exploring the possibility of remaining in my role for an additional year. I enjoy the work I do now. And I would like to stay in my position long enough to see my efforts begin to come to significant fruition. And seeing such fruition occur seems to require that I remain in my role for more than one year.

As I contemplate the possibilities of my future I often feel a bit confused and even bewildered. I don't recognize the person I have become. And this is actually a good thing. I am far more forthright, confident and self-directed than was once typical of my general way of operating in the world. The person I have become feels much more consonant with the person I truly am. I have found my way back to my true self. I am expressing who I truly am.

There are still moments that arise in which I feel my grief weigh upon me with a heaviness that feels positively suffocating. But thankfully I am able to cope in those moments by applying a variety of skills I have learned to deeply care for my own health. When caught up in a wave of my deep grief I often find myself feeling a deep yearning to recapture the time I have lost. And when I realize I cannot travel back in time and really change the past I instead will sometimes have these thoughts of attempting to slow down the passage of time now. I find that I want to freeze time somehow. These thoughts arise in my own mind when I imagine different ways I can proceed with my future. If I were to stay in Minnesota a year longer than I was already planning to do then I feel an urgency to use that additional year so well that I would effectively not age.

Yes, there are many times I want to freeze time.

But time waits for no person. Somehow we must all come to terms with what we once enjoyed but can never again have.

The "Evil" Other

Saturday, November 14, 2015


"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

News stories like the one about the recent terrorist attack in Paris, France have a way of really getting under my skin. It always saddens me when I read of people perpetrating violence against other people. Such stories have a way of igniting or reigniting uncomfortable questions in my own mind. One of the foremost uncomfortable questions that has (re)appeared in my conscious awareness is this: "Is complete healing from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder possible?" I personally believe that it is. But then again you have to define what "complete healing" tangibly looks like. And it's also very true that people may suffer from PTSD due to any number of reasons. I believe it is therefore correct to assume that people experiencing PTSD have a wide range of potential prognoses.

Stories of violence made more destructive by human made weaponry are always particularly difficult for me to hear about. It seems only natural I would have such a response given the fact that some of the most severe trauma I experienced resulted from my stepmother's attempt to murder my father. Violence, whether it occurs between spouses, between races or between nation states, always elicits sadness in me. We are such a destructive species at times. And I think much of that destructiveness can be attributed to our (often irrational) fear of "the other".

I remember first learning about the "othering process" when I took a graduate class in the San Francisco Bay Area of California a number of years ago. I was able to grasp the idea behind this very clinical sounding phrase quickly. Writ simply "othering" is a way in which we as individuals or as a group make another group of people different...and thereby wrong. I have no doubt that a lot of "othering" language is currently being spewed throughout America in regards to what happened in Paris. There will undoubtedly be claims made by people of a conservative political persuasion that what happened in Paris justifies their belief that the proper policy response is to "kill all the Muslims". Such rhetoric certainly flared up in the days and months immediately after September 11, 2001. But from what I know Muslims are not the problem in this world...or even necessarily a big problem. What I believe is a big problem is undiscerned religious ideology unmoored from any genuine knowledge of world religions serving as the foundation for violent acts like what took place in Paris this past week.

...

My big "takeaway" from the tragedy in France is a reinforcement of my belief that people need to be seen, acknowledged and witnessed in their lives, both in their joy and in their pain. When people are effectively thrown away by their societies because they are perceived as "less than", dangerous, evil, wrong, bad and so on it often creates enormous damage in their lives. And it also provides fertile psychic soil for radicalization. One can see the ravaging effects of being cast away in any number of typically underserved and marginalized populations. I have witnessed it in peoples such as the Native American community, the elderly and the homeless.

I often feel we live in a highly reactive world where actions (being perceived to be doing something about an issue) are seen as having more value than simultaneously stepping back, at least for a moment, and really pondering what could lead people to do what they do. When reading about the tragedy in Paris I had the following questions: What were the lives of those eight people like who took so many more lives in Paris? Were they radicalized at a young age? Did they suffer immense deprivation and live in families that struggled to provide basic yet necessary things like food, shelter and clothing? Are their own nation states of origin zones of perpetual conflict? Do they believe the West is responsible for their agony?

I think I have lived long enough and worked among enough frequented disadvantaged and underserved populations of people to appreciate several truths: 1) despite all the trauma and hardship in my own life I am relatively fortunate, 2) reading about the lives of countless people who make up a statistic of some group that has suffered inordinate hardship is not the same as actually living such a hard life, 3) we will never successfully address the issues of our world if we automatically take a reactive stance rather than a responsive one, 4) gestures of solidarity are nice (like changing your profile picture on Facebook to show France's flag colors) but what about taking some action to look at the marginalized communities in your own midst and 5) there is not a person alive who cannot potentially thrive if he or she has sufficient support.

I really wish we would create a more thoughtful, compassionate, deliberative world. I believe we could. I believe we can. But many people are deeply fearful and feel deeply wounded. Fear rules many human actions.

It's the darkness in our own hearts and minds that must be attended to. We must first start with ourselves. Once we address the darkness in our own hearts, minds and lives we can then begin to better address it in the world. What a world we could create if we would stop killing, demonizing, maliciously gossiping and harming one another. What a world indeed.

Before looking outside of yourself look within.

Distilling Sadness

Friday, November 13, 2015


So it's a beautiful day outside...and I feel sad. I could spend a lot of mental energy making out a list of "likely suspects" to explain why I am feeling sad. But sometimes we feel sad and there really isn't an identifiable reason why we feel what we do. In other words, it is sometimes a wise practice to notice what you are feeling and then do nothing to try to change how you are feeling. Allowing our feelings to be what they are and evolve in their own time can be a real challenge. I certainly think this holds true for traumatized, dramatic, paranoid America. Am I being unkind to the nation of my citizenry? Perhaps. But I think my critique is nonetheless valid. Americans as a people are quite unskilled in dealing with their feelings.

I know some of my sadness is due to the fact that I have exerted immense effort to construct a new life for myself after the implosion that was June, 2013. I have been working on this work in progress known as me for nearly two and a half years now. And this is just my most recent iteration of walking the journey of my life with the assistance of psychotherapy. I am nonetheless confident that this iteration will prove so much more beneficial for me due in part to the fact that I have been diligent and patient and loyal to the process over an extended period of time.

And yet though my life is immensely better than it was so many months ago I still occasionally feel extremely vulnerable. I believe vulnerability is something that can be acknowledged, honored and explored or exploited and ultimately lead to great harm. When we are deeply vulnerable the boundaries between ourselves and the world around us are essentially removed (or at least minimized). And when such boundaries do not stand in our way of engaging with the world we can experience immense growth...or incredible tragedy. Vulnerability, like so many things, can be experienced as a double-edged sword.

I feel myself standing on the fine line of that double edged sword. There are moments when I still feel immense fear about my future. And there are other moments when I feel a deep intuitive knowing that 2016 will be my best year yet.

Finding Healing

Monday, November 9, 2015


I did something today that I felt was a very healthy choice. Indeed, I could even call what I did healing. After getting my teeth cleaned I decided to have lunch at a restaurant close to where I lived at this time two years ago. The place I visited is called Jakeeno's Pizza and Pasta.

Over two years ago I found myself frequenting this place for a period of months. At that time I was still coping with the unexpected development of realizing that I could benefit from going to still more therapy. I was quite upset about that development for a very long time. But time ultimately keeps unfolding; we are residents of an ever changing world. We can find this truth consoling or unsettling. If we are suffering today we may find that tomorrow presents us with a very different set of circumstances. This too shall pass.

After eating lunch I drove down to a park that I used to walk around back when I lived in that part of Minneapolis. I got out of my car and walked once around the perimeter of the park. Though I am still dealing with foot pain I pressed myself to do this small bit of walking. It was a brilliantly sunny day today. Temperatures continue to run well above normal here in Minnesota. It appears extremely unlikely that we will experience a winter like the one we did two years ago. I found myself smiling as I made my single lap around a patch of green and a kids' playground that was a familiar environment for me over two years ago. I truly have come a long way since the darkness that shrouded my life and thinking throughout much of 2013.

Only after leaving and beginning my drive home did I recall what was additionally special about this day. Today is the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. It has been twenty-six years since that momentous day in German history. The world is such a different place as compared to what it was on November 9, 1989.

Time moves us forward. We can choose to embrace change. It's not always easy. But it can be very rewarding to open our hearts and minds to new possibilities.

A Strange Sense of Humor

Sunday, November 8, 2015


Despite feeling quite busy now I somehow find myself able and willing to make time on a Sunday to write down some of my thoughts here.

Lately I have been reflecting a bit on the development of my sense of humor. As the deep work I did with my therapist these past two years recedes more and more into the past I find myself aware of something emerging. I find myself more and more aware of how much I enjoy inspiring people to laugh. And I am simultaneously aware that I didn't feel it wise to make myself exceedingly visible when I was a kid by inspiring people to laugh. At that time in my life I had a (largely unconscious) fear that drawing such attention to myself might ultimately result in an unwanted form of attention being given to me. I think it not unusual for kids who experience abuse and neglect to shrink away from opportunities to be more visible in both their families and communities. Hiding away can be a protective adaptation to minimize being hurt even more.

I find myself wanting to have some sort of outlet where I can have fun, laugh with others and inspire still other people to laugh. I feel it would be very healthy for me to give myself some time to fantasize about suitable venues to do such exploration. It would seem my greatest challenge now would not be to find actual venues where I could enjoy such an outlet but rather finding the time to actually do so. Even three months into my new job I still feel myself adapting to how busy I have become.

I sometimes think I have a very strange sense of humor. I suspect this is not unusual for people who have experienced significant trauma in their life histories. When life appears exceedingly dark and grim a dark sense of humor can ironically cast light into that darkness and make life feel much more manageable.

I feel much better psychically speaking than I have in a very, very long time. I only wish the health issue I have had with my feet these last twelve months would decisively and permanently clear up. The persistence of the tenderness and sensitivity of my feet leaves me feeling a bit confused as to what goals I can realistically set for my future. I will be getting an opinion from another podiatrist on November 16th. I hope my appointment will provide me some genuine insight in how to proceed. It has been very demoralizing to deal with yet another health challenge these last twelve months. And it has also reinforced my conviction that I need to find a genuine outlet for humor and light-hearted fun.

I took some time today to revisit the treatment plan I first created in collaboration with my therapist in July, 2013. I was gratified to note that a number of the goals I had set for myself are no longer relevant; I achieved these goals and can therefore cross them off my list.

I find myself feeling happiness and contentment these days. By no means do I feel such soft, warm feelings every day. But the sadness and grief that once weighed so heavily on me no longer feels so oppressive. I do still feel some measure of sadness many days. And perhaps some of my sadness will never completely dissipate. A realistic goal is to find a way to accept this very possibility and allow myself to feel the full range of feelings a person may experience throughout a lifetime.

I am happy to have reached the stage of personal development I have achieved thus far.

A Financial Future

Thursday, November 5, 2015


I went to a networking event this evening. It was offered by Catherine Byers Breet at the Basilica of St. Mary in Minneapolis. I always enjoy hearing Catherine speak because she is so enthusiastic about the work she does. People who are passionate about their work are the type of people I want to hang out with. After her presentation a gentleman who works for Thrivent Financial spoke about important aspects of managing your financial life. It caused me to think about my own financial future.

I would like to believe that I am going to somehow have a financial future worth remembering and even...celebrating. But I sometimes struggle to maintain a positive outlook about this part of my future. And it's not for lack of trying that I nonetheless have some fears about my future. No, I have fears about the future due to the misplaced priorities I feel our nation has become enmeshed in. And I don't really feel I see the political will present in this country that is necessary to bring about some significant and needed reforms. With income inequality a major problem in this nation I wonder how realistic it now is for many Americans to expect a decent quality of life. I will leave my dear readers to define 'decent' for themselves.

Trauma can destroy many aspects of a person's life. And a financial future is certainly one of those aspects. I feel fortunate to be where I am today. In a monetary sense I am poor. But my ability to enjoy my life each and every day is really the best it has ever been. As I noted in my most recent posting some people who suffer a trauma will never completely recover from it. So I am already more fortunate than many, many people. I may currently be low on the rungs of the socioeconomic ladder but I finally am enjoying some things I rarely did before. I have a peace of mind borne of much inner work and contemplation. I have a capacity to listen that I am daily refining through my work. And I can go to bed at night feeling content with the work ethic I bring to the important issue of homelessness in America.

Despite my occasional rumination about what my future will be in one, two or five years from now I know that I will sleep well tonight.

When undertaking a long journey of healing it is vital to cultivate a capacity for patience.

The Normalcy of Working

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


I have been working in my current position for three months now. This is wondrous. I have had other jobs in my life that were short-term positions. And though my current role is only designed to be a year long contract I feel very good about the direction I am moving now. I am beginning a whole new journey in my life. As I have commented elsewhere here in this blog I entered "the second half" of my life in 2013. At the time I was going through this profound transition I didn't use such language to describe what was happening. Encountering the teachings of Richard Rohr augmented my existing vocabulary and thereby gave me additional language to use to make some sense of what I was experiencing.

Even though I have been consistently working for ninety days now it still sometimes feels a bit surreal and strange. There were days back in 2013 when I thought I might never reach the stage I am at now. And though I feel fairly unencumbered by the residual pain associated with the trauma from my earliest years of life I have nonetheless not forgotten that there are all too many people who never recover from debilitating illnesses or life changing events. Some people become disabled and their lives are permanently marked...forever. I am fortunate that I am largely able to reclaim my life. For me the question was never would I reclaim my health and my life but when?

The healing journey out of personal oblivion can be arduous, long, scary and lonely. Recovery from serious illness is not necessarily guaranteed. And this is true even for those of us who work hard to recover.

I am grateful for all the good there is in my life now. There is much for me to be thankful for. And I am proud of the positive impact the organization I work for offers to the community.