Overcoming Old and Deep Wounds

Monday, October 20, 2014

Yesterday, before going to host an event with my friend Carol, I checked up on what mayhem the planets may be helping to foment.  Yes, I do indeed believe in the legitimacy of the field of astrology.

Anyone who holds doubt that there is indeed some element of genuine truth at the heart of astrology need only take careful note of their lives as well as those of their friends while Mercury is in a retrograde cycle.  I will spare a detailed description of what this transit is associated with.  Suffice to say it’s not wise to expect to accomplish a lot when Mercury is retrograde.  Mercury was in reverse apparent motion last week whilst I was sick.

I checked my online profile at www.astro.com and read of the following ongoing transit.  This one is also attributable to Mercury:

‘At this time you may try to come to a rational understanding of painful episodes in your life.  You may ask critical and uncomfortable questions. Were all the rejections and dismissals and the scars they left behind really necessary? Is there such a thing as meaningless suffering? By asking these questions you try to come to terms with both your own and others' pain and suffering. We all have to deal with them, because life will confront us with such problems again and again. And even if old psychological wounds cannot be healed by asking probing questions or by analysing them, it is natural and necessary that your intellect refuses to accept this. These are questions that you can only ask yourself, as others may find them unsettling and hurtful.’

When reading these words I cannot help but think of the language of the heart and the language of the mind.  And I often do not think they are the same language.  We may apply our intellect in an effort to understand, relieve and ultimately heal wounds in our hearts.  But how can we truly do this? 

My intellect would have me believe that I can somehow find some rationale means of explaining the pattern of my father’s alienating behavior that has stretched over the course of whole decades.  He is at present nearly seventy-two years old.  And for all the years of my own earthly life the person he truly is remains something of a mystery to me.  My experience of him is that he is a man who believes in keeping secrets.  I think he is a person who has something of a firmly set predisposition to withholding and hiding his thoughts and feelings rather than openly sharing them.  Some of his ‘default mode’ of living is naturally reinforced by the time and place he grew up in.  But nurture alone doesn’t fully explain what a person ultimately becomes as an adult.  Much as our environment may exert a strong influence on what type of people we become we still (at least in fairly healthy circumstances) have some measure of choice as well.

What also remains a genuine mystery to me is how my father’s siblings have chosen to relate to him over the years.  I do not understand how people can consider themselves to be truly following the teachings of Jesus Christ while simultaneously acting in ways contrary to what Jesus is reputed to have made his core teaching.  In short, I do not understand how deceit as well as infantile behaviors such as persistent avoidance and finger pointing align with the teachings of one Jesus Christ.  In essence I cannot and will not be a part of the lives of people whose behavior I find to be immensely hypocritical.  People who do not practice what they preach too easily make my stomach churn.

Over the course of the last sixteen months I have gradually zeroed in on the fact that these unresolved questions are very much at the core of what has caused me so much distress in my life.  And I have come to the sobering conclusion that some of my deepest questions may remain forever unanswered.  And I somehow need to find a way to move forward with my own life in spite of this sad reality.  We sometimes have to live our lives in such a way that longstanding mysteries will remain forever mysteries.  Is it fair?  Absolutely not.  Does it happen often in the human experience?  I believe it does.  I do feel fortunate that the mysteries within my own life experience are relatively tolerable to bear.  None of my family or dear friends have ever gone permanently missing.  I have never lost someone I care about to the horror of murder…though I nearly did.

Some philosophers, theologians and ‘deep thinkers’ would assert that suffering is a natural part and parcel of the human condition.  I agree.  None of us gets out of life…alive.  I want to be a person who gets a lot out of life while he is alive.  I believe in life before death!

The wounds we experience over the course of our life journeys do not have to define who we are.  We can choose to see our lives in a broader way.  Darkness is the inevitable complement of living in a world that features light.

I feel myself to be in a relatively good psychic space now.  There is still more healing to do.  But I am finally no longer feeling something I had long felt.  I am finally no longer feeling haunted.

......

During my session with my therapist this afternoon I reaffirmed my commitment to my own personal wellness.  I even drafted a contract.  The contents of it are below:

I am committed to working through the residual harmful impacts related to the trauma and dysfunction I experienced in my early life history.  I am willing to do so without any additional expressed support from my paternal family of origin.  I make a commitment to seeking out support on a consistent basis using resources such as my therapist, my primary care physician, my friends and ‘chosen family’, members of my family of origin who do honor the fullness of who I am as well as institutions that provide reliable and competent support in fulfillment of my needs as a whole person.

I am committed to working through the issues I have with how manhood has been modeled to me by doing any and all of the following: therapy, educational trainings, personal self-study, hobbies, etc.

As a further matter of course, I am also committed to addressing my long pervasive feeling of being culturally split as a result of my early life circumstances that featured two parents from two different countries.  I am committed to following the path that best leads to the fullest, most rewarding development of my future self.

Post Script 

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #25

• I continued to rest as much as I could to help my immune system finish off the nasty respiratory problem I developed a number of days ago
• Despite feeling crabby I interacted with the world at large...partly to remind me that it is still there.  Illness can be an isolating experience.

A Week Later

Sunday, October 19, 2014

It seems what I have ‘lovingly’ come to call the plague is finally beginning to relent.  Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that my apartment is now virtually super-heated.  The apartment maintenance man certainly was not joking when he informed me I would notice once the heat came on.  Modulating the radiator settings will be key to a healthy and comfortable autumn and winter.  Despite my snarky edge I feel relatively good now…relatively.

If I am feeling up to it I might even participate in a yoga class at the YMCA at 10 am.  I have missed out on a week of regular exercise; I want to get back into my routine as soon as possible.  Among other things I have an upcoming contest to prepare for!

Later today I will be co-hosting a Halloween themed event at the home of my friend Carol in north Minneapolis.  I’m looking forward to incorporating more play time into my life in the future.

Now that I have completed my short commentary series focused on potential indicators of the not yet formally existing diagnostic term known as ‘Complex PTSD’ I am a little unclear as to what I will focus on in my blog next.  I felt myself to be at a bit of a crossroads regarding the blog a few months ago.  Now that I am actively creating a bigger, better, happier, more rewarding life it is clear I have moved well beyond the initial circumstances that defined the first many months when I was first writing.  I have always envisioned this blog to be 1) a creative outlet for my own self-expression, 2) a resource for others (via the articles and websites I reference in my own writings) and 3) a simple ‘safe place’ from which I can eventually build something much more grand in the future.

These last sixteen months of my life have been the equivalent of the laying of an immense foundation.  Now that the foundation itself is fairly complete it is time for me to readjust my focus and begin serious contemplation as to what I wish to build on my foundation.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #24

• Co-hosted a Halloween themed event with my friend Carol
• I went to bed early enough to get a good night of sleep

On Complex PTSD, Part VI

Saturday, October 18, 2014

This last week has been a very difficult week.  I was sick for much of the week with what seems to be a very bad respiratory infection.  Despite diligent self-care it seemed whatever I fell ill with was determined to malinger much like a guest who has long ago overstayed his welcome.

If there is something positive to be found in this last week I suppose it would be the fact that my recent illness makes it easier to acknowledge the fact that I could identify with the sixth of six phenomena that may be construed to be indicators of something called ‘Complex PTSD’.  I began writing about these criteria this past Monday.  The sixth criteria (all six can be found here at this webpage) relates to what is called an individual’s ‘system of meanings’.  People who have suffered extensive trauma may struggle with persistent feelings of hopelessness and despair.  Maintaining a faith in the potential for a healthy and rewarding future life may prove very difficult for individuals impacted by severe trauma.

It was a few months after I first entered therapy in June, 2013 that I began to notice I was increasingly developing deeper insight into myself.  During a class offered through Pathways Health Crisis Resource Center I had the unexpected experience of gaining sharp clarity as to why being around a lot of illness can easily distress me.  I later wrote about it in a blog entry which can be found here.  What I essentially appreciated on that day approximately one year ago was the significant toll that being around so much illness and dysfunction had taken on me.  I speak here specifically of the illness and dysfunction I was exposed to (and unable to escape) while a child.

Children are indeed impressionable beings.  Frequently exposing children to illness, domestic violence, chaos and the like can unfortunately result in serious long-term consequences.  Last month I profiled the work of Canadian physician Gabor Mate.  From what I know of his own professional work I believe I can correctly assert that he places a strong emphasis on the primacy of childhood development in the future trajectory of people’s lives (in other words their prospects for health, success, happiness and the like) once they reach adulthood.

My own illness this last week made me once again aware of the deep wound within me that resulted from being an immediate witness (and in some cases unwitting recipient) of so much illness, violence, deceit and stoicism as a kid.  When children are regularly immersed in stressful circumstances for an extended period of time I believe it quite possible that they may later go on to develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  And in cases of severe trauma I believe it quite possible that they could exhibit what Dr. Judith Herman might be inclined to describe as ‘Complex PTSD’.

When I sit still and survey my own interior life I can sense the deep sorrow I felt throughout protracted periods of my childhood.  It is a very sad thing when a child experiences despair long before he learns the word itself.  Despair is something that can be borne of any number of unfortunate experiences.  Witnessing your own parents engaged in a highly dysfunctional relationship that ultimately ends in divorce is but one way that a child can come to feel deeply traumatized.  Witnessing a parent descend into the abyss of serious mental illness (and being all the while completely unable to do anything about it) is another means by which a child can be traumatized.  I, unfortunately, experienced both of these scenarios.  And I experienced both of them before the age of nine.

As time has passed and I have continued the journey of therapy over the course of sixteen months I have excavated some very deep feelings and thoughts I had as a kid.  I can now recall how I genuinely did not believe I would live to the age of nine years of age.   This is a very unfortunate thought for any child to ever think.  Such thoughts, held and reinforced over a long period of time, can ultimately cause significant harm to a person’s worldview later in life.  It would thus not be surprising that some highly traumatized people would feel almost haunted by despair.

Throughout my own life I too often felt as if I had to fight for my very survival.  More recently I have begun to feel I am beginning to finally transcend the deep harm done to my psyche by what I endured in my earliest years of life.  My recovery has been a prize I have worked very diligently to achieve.  And now, sixteen months after the voyage began, I can confidently say I am beginning to reap the rewards of my diligence.

And yet the deeper harm of extensive trauma can be difficult to ascertain.  We can unfortunately unconsciously carry attitudes about our own selves and the world around with us long after they are no longer suitable to the lives we are living.  In the last week it has been very easy for one of my core beliefs about the world at large to surface.  That belief can be expressed as follows: ‘People are unreliable’.

This belief is a huge overgeneralization that could cause me immense harm if I continue to carry it around with me the remainder of my life.  I sense that I first created this thought as a child at a time when I was almost completely unconscious of what I was doing.  Now, decades later, it does not serve me to harbor this thought as I go about living my life.  If I held this thought to be really true each and every day of my life I would find it very difficult to engage in the world as a social being.  If it were really true that all people are always and everywhere unreliable then what would inspire me to get out of bed in the morning and meet and engage with other human beings?  The simple answer is that I wouldn’t!

The bottom line is that healing is sometimes a laborious process that demands much of us.  Healing deep trauma is not for the faint of heart.  I have learned this throughout my own life journey.

My life is so much better than it was sixteen months ago.  I am finally beginning to calm down and truly believe I can still manifest the grandest dreams of my life.  The journey to realizing my dreams might not always be easy.  But one choice I can make to pave my path is to refuse to engage in black and white (also known as all or nothing) thinking.  There will inevitably be days and even weeks, months and, yes, even years when nothing goes very well.  This is not surprising.  But to cease to try is to not even allow yourself to really live.

Do I, on this day, feel a deep despair or hopelessness inside my being? I can thankfully say I do not.  Do I feel weary and frustrated recently?  Yes I do.  But I will not give up.  I have labored too diligently to stop short now.  I believe I can still have a rewarding life full of good health, love, prosperity and professional success.

If you are reading this and you believe someone you love has been (or is being affected by) affected by a traumatic event I encourage you to educate yourself on the behavioral signs of trauma and reach out in a gesture of support.  Sometimes just one person can make a huge difference in the life of another individual.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #23

• I completed writing this segment on the topic of Complex PTSD
• I did my best to be patient with the time needed to recovery from a bad respiratory infection

On Complex PTSD, Part V

Friday, October 17, 2014

Today I am writing to offer my thoughts on another of the six possible indicators of Complex PTSD as noted at the following link.

A person’s capacity to cultivate healthy relationships with others may be severely compromised by severe trauma.  A traumatized person may isolate himself from the world at large as a protective measure to reduce the risk of future trauma.  A difficulty trusting others may characterize both existing longstanding relationships as well as newer ones.

When I reflect on my own life history thus far I see clearly that my own trauma history significantly impacted my capacity to trust people.  I am still learning to heal my capacity to trust even now.  As I have said many a time here in my blog healing is a process.  It requires time, dedication and the availability of significant resources.  Deep healing will, in my opinion, rarely happen overnight.

This week which is now nearly over has served as an ample reminder of how dysfunctional relationships were at the heart of my own wounding.  I have been sick much of this week with what seems to be a very bad respiratory infection.  Only today do I finally feel as if I am getting over whatever has made me physically ill for the last five days.  I attempted to schedule an appointment with my primary care doctor yesterday after awakening to find myself with a bloody nose as well as blood in my congestion.  My regular primary care doctor was solidly booked with patients yesterday so I opted to see another doctor at the same clinic instead.  My lack of familiarity with his so-called bedside manner left me responding in a somewhat aloof way.  This tends to be my default mode of relating to others whom I do not at all know.

My exploration of my own life in therapy has been quite productive throughout the last sixteen months.  I have clearly identified that the nature and quality of my relationships is one significant aspect of my life that I wish to improve.  I have even gone so far as to decide that I also want to make cultivation of relationships an important part of my future professional life.  I never consciously chose this as a focus of my career in the past.  The prospect of doing this in the future fills me with both excitement and a little bit of anxiety.

I plan to speak about this particular topic when I meet with my therapist later this afternoon.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #22

Healthy activities for today:

• I visited with my therapist
• I met with a worker of the Adult Rehabilitative Mental Health Services (ARMHS) program to conduct a follow up visit and partial intake

A Very Retrograde Moment

Friday, October 17, 2014


I have had a very challenging week.  Seemingly simple tasks and uncomplicated expectations seem to be too big to manage this week.  I am grateful that it is Friday if only because it's the last in a sequence of days where I feel heightened pressure to be productive.

I have been under the weather since this past Sunday.  My malaise began as a simple sore throat on Sunday.  On Monday, in a matter of about nine hours, whatever I had caught invaded my chest with a speed that I found impressive.  Since Monday evening I have done everything I can to take good care of myself while simultaneously following through on scheduled appointments and other activities as best as I can.  I nonetheless feel quite frustrated and even a bit resentful this morning.  When I see other people drinking themselves into oblivion or smoking two packs of cigarettes a day and still managing to be as healthy as I am (at least in present time) I wonder why I even bother to practice my heathy habits. If I am going to come down with respiratory infections and remain ill as long as other people who do not practice good self-care then what is the point of being mindful about my health?

I do have some good things to look forward to today.  I will be meeting with my therapist.  I was originally scheduled to see him on Tuesday evening.  I was required to reschedule due to a need he had to change up his own schedule.  I have been feeling quite resentful this week because when other people prove to be unreliable I can all too easily be reminded of my own childhood in which there was so much unreliability and chaos in my immediate environment.  In essence, I grow weary of being a thoughtful, law-abiding, kind citizen in a world all too full of people who don't think much of themselves or how their behavior ultimately affects others.

I was scheduled to see my personal trainer today.  I had to cancel that because I still do not feel that great.

I hope (and yes even pray) that next week proves to be more productive and enjoyable than this week has proven to be.  When weeks like this one leave me feeling deeply frustrated it is still a little too easy to start feeling as if I will never reach my long term goals.

I'm glad it's Friday!

On Complex PTSD, Part IV

Thursday, October 16, 2014

For the past three days I have more deeply explored the idea of Complex PTSD.  As I have already noted this week I learned of the idea of Complex PTSD this past summer.

Today I will examine one of the six phenomena that may be associated with it.  Among other issues those with experience of severe or long lasting trauma may carry not only distorted perceptions of themselves but also distorted perceptions of individuals who caused them harm.  As noted on this webpage, distorted perceptions of perpetrators may include ‘attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or being preoccupied with revenge.’

In my particular case much of the trauma I experienced was due to dysfunctional dynamics within my family of origin.  It would thus seem to make sense that this particular criterion connected to the proposed new term 'Complex PTSD' could be especially relevant to my own experience.

I think it's a bit natural to become preoccupied with a dysfunctional relationship when the relationship in question is the one you have with a parent.  Parents can exert such tremendous influence on our early developmental years...for both good and bad.  Much of the work I have done in therapy in the last sixteen months somehow connects to my relationship with my father.  Walking away from any relationship with my father whatsoever was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made.  But I ultimately think I will ultimately be better off as a result of my choice.

I think it is generally true that issues which go unresolved in a family tend to inevitably be inherited by subsequent generations.  And yet this is a type of inheritance that a vast majority of us would rather not be unwitting recipients of.  Trauma, family dysfunction and the like can make for good source material when producing art but it sure can take a long time to work through.

Relationships with parents are also unique because there is an imbalance of power implicit in the relationship.  Even if you mature into an adult who is more educated, more successful in your chosen profession and more well adjusted as compared to your father (or mother) that parent will always be your (biological) parent.  And yet being a biological parent alone doesn't necessarily qualify a person to give advice to children.  Indeed, some people prove to be horrible parents.

......

I am going to stop with my PTSD related post for today.  I'm not having an easy day.  I awoke with a nosebleed and then coughed up phlegm that also had blood in it.  It was not an inspired way to start the day!  And unfortunately moments of illness such as what I have experienced the last few days can eventually leave me feeling especially down.  Why?  Because when I become sick it's still all too easy for me to remember how I felt I couldn't go to my own parents with my troubles when I was a child.  Why?  They were too plagued with their own issues to be able to effectively parent me in a consistent way.  That's a sad commentary on my earliest years of life.  But I speak the truth of how I feel.

Overcoming a legacy of early trauma can take some time to achieve.  Despite my crabby mood today I am nonetheless holding firm in my determination to focus on what is going well in my life.  It's just a bit challenging at the moment.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #21

• Today I went to see an alternative primary care physician regarding my morning symptoms
• I remained faithful to my daily writing commitment despite not feeling well

On Complex PTSD, Part III

Wednesday, October 15, 2014


On Monday of this week I began a series of posts chronicling phenomena that may be associated with something called 'Complex PTSD'.  To read more from my own writings simply use 'Complex PTSD' as a keyword phrase in the search bar in the upper left corner of my main blog page.

The idea of 'Complex PTSD' may prove useful as a means of distinguishing those whose PTSD may be especially severe due to the nature or duration of the trauma they have experienced.  I first learned about the idea of Complex PTSD this past summer when I sought out a second opinion about my mental health.  In my opinion it rarely can be a bad thing to seek out a second opinion.  In some cases a second opinion can even make the difference between life and death.  To learn more about the concept of Complex PTSD click here.

Today I am going to write a bit about the third of six phenomena listed on the webpage noted above that may be associated with what Judith Herman might call Complex PTSD.  The third listed phenomenon relates to self-perception.  Put simply, those who have suffered trauma of grave severity and/or long duration may experience intense feelings of helplessness, shame and guilt.  A feeling of 'being completely different from other human beings' (taken word for word from the webpage noted above but then noted with added emphasis on my part) could even be present.

It is sobering to read through the phenomena and their descriptions.  When I first read through them this past summer I found myself identifying with each of them.  To feel utterly different from other people is, in one sense, to feel alien.  If you are haunted by a deep and enduring feeling of not belonging anywhere then it is quite possible some experience in your earlier life history was quite difficult for you.  Would such experience quality as a trauma?  That would be difficult for me alone to say.  Though I regularly write this blog and do some amount of research on a frequent basis I am not a trained mental health expert or clinician.  But I do have extensive education and life experience that inform my perspective.  I am a man on a journey of healing who wishes to find my way...and also welcome others to join me (in some form) on the journey I am making.  Healing can be a lonely experience.  But it doesn't have to be.

I certainly felt helpless for portions of my childhood.  And I also felt quite alienated much of the time.  It's somewhat miraculous I didn't become a disaffected youth who later became caught up in a bad life with other misdirected, alienated people.  I could have made much worse choices than I ultimately made.

I can affirm that there were certainly times when I felt myself to be very different from other people.  But it is important to note that some of this perception was based in objective reality.  I am a gay man.  Growing up as a gay teenager in the late 1980s in Texas was not an easy experience.  I also am a person who grew up in a family touched by a significant amount of mental illness.  Not everyone (thankfully) has this experience.  As an undergraduate college student I chose a course of study that is fairly atypical.  I went on to experience a great variety of things in my life as an adult.  One of my most profound experiences was living and working on a Native American reservation at the very young age of twenty-three years of age.  So in many regards I am, in fact, a unique person who could rightly feel very different from other human beings.

We cause ourselves needless pain and suffering when our self-perception does not accurately represent who we truly are.  I have, by growing degrees, come to realize how distorted my sense of self once was.  As I have gradually continued to improve my capacity to intently and attentively listen to others I have become more able to take in the feedback I have been offered.  And as I have received said feedback it became clear my self-perception was, at one time, highly skewed.  Emerging from such delusion has been the equivalent of waking up from a very bad dream.

I think it is generally true that children need consistent and positive reinforcement to ultimately develop into adults who are able to consistently make well discerned, thoughtful choices about their lives.  By making this statement I do not mean to imply that children should not be corrected (in an appropriate way of course) when they make less than optimal choices.  The manner in which a person parents his child or children is so important.  When criticism is always offered in a harsh, brittle way I think it's only a matter of time before a child begins to develop a warped view of self...and the world.  We are all human and we all are thus likely to make mistakes.  Allowing ourselves to be willing to fail in life, without making such failure into a catastrophic event, is a vital skill of the well adjusted.  Every day of our lives presents us with choices and options.

I wish I had received more praise and encouragement than I ultimately did.  I certainly did not go without praise and encouragement.  I received it and I remember what it felt like.  I had some very bright moments and happy times in my childhood.  But they were, unfortunately, not my complete experience during my developmental years.

I see clearly that my personal wounding was very much bound up in the (unspoken) expectation I felt was placed upon me to endure what I did in my childhood and yet not allow it to distort my capacity to trust and love.  I was basically expected to be a little version of Hercules.  When we (or others) place unrealistic expectations upon ourselves we create a potent recipe for disappointment.  Setting realistic expectations of self and others is thus an important part of living a healthy life!

I believe a healthy way to end my writing today is to encourage my readers to ask themselves some potent questions:

• What is your sense of self?
• Do you have an accurate estimation of who you are and what you can offer to the world?
• What wounds do you carry?
• If you feel your biological parents did not parent you well what can you do for yourself now to live a healthy life?
• If you are hard on yourself, ask yourself what might happen if you simply gave yourself a short vacation (an hour, a day, a week) from whatever critical voice is inside your mind.

......

It's a beautiful autumn day in Minnesota.  I am grateful to be alive.  I feel as if I am finally emerging from the equivalent of a journey through Hell.  And yet here I am.  I am alive.  My physical health is good.  I have a great smile.  And I have a lot to offer the world.  My life truly is very good!

If you find yourself in despair ask yourself what is good in your life.  Focus on those things!

Make it a great Wednesday!


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #20

Healthy activities:

• Listening to upbeat music
• Appreciating the sunshine and autumn colors
• Remaining faithful to writing my blog
• Practicing good self-care skills to overcome my cold
• Eating a healthy salad for lunch

Building and Tearing Down Walls

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

I encountered a barrier at the intersection of LaSalle and S. 9^th Street as I made my way to the downtown YMCA this morning.  It strikes me as almost foolhardy to be doing so much roadwork when the first accumulating snowfall of the coming cold season is now quite possibly going to happen within the next thirty days.  This inconvenient barrier, news of the spread of Ebola in Africa and the approaching twenty-fifth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall has left me pondering the theme of boundaries and barriers.

The Ebola virus has once again made news due to the death of a United Nations worker in Leipzig, Germany.  Ebola has now appeared in the nations of both of my parents’ origins.  At some point this morning I found myself wondering if Ebola could become the AIDS of the 2010s.

To carelessly over-generalize and draw an immediate parallel between AIDS and Ebola would be, well, careless.  The two viruses are transmitted in different ways.  HIV infection was originally mistakenly thought of as a disease typically found among injection drug users and sexual minorities such as gay men.  Its spread around the world and among people of varied socioeconomic, cultural, ethnic, gender and sexual orientation backgrounds effectively revealed many truths that some would rather not see.  Some of these truths are the following:

• Illness does not necessarily make any distinction in whom is ultimately affected both directly and indirectly
• We are all interconnected
• Hysteria about potential transmission of illness can cause grave harm

Illness does not obey boundaries

People of many different backgrounds have died from the complications associated with AIDS in the three decades it has been present in the global population.  It does not matter if you are rich, poor, white, black, brown, male, female, gay, straight, lesbian, transgender, young, old, healthy or already ill.  HIV itself doesn’t distinguish between those who ultimately become infected.  Certain high risk behaviors typically associated with certain populations of people may place individuals at much higher risk of infection.    But each of us lives with risk on a daily basis.  This is a basic reality of life.

Though I was much too young to be personally at risk of HIV infection when HIV first appeared in the 1980s it has nonetheless impacted my life.  I have lost a few friends to HIV related complications.  And I have a larger subset of friends who live with HIV on a daily basis.

We are all interconnected

The appearance of Ebola in Dallas, Texas after a man departed Africa for Texas clearly shows how interconnected the entire planet has become.  We can now move people, goods and ideas around the planet in a minute fraction of the time we once did.  And with that speed has come enhanced risk.  I once traveled from Amsterdam to Hawaii in the course of a mere thirty-six hours.  When a person can reach anywhere on the planet in a matter of days you know the world has become an incredibly small place.

Fear of illness

Severe, pandemic illness has a way of inspiring both the best and worst of human behavior.  I can vividly recall seeing the Kalaupapa Peninsula of the Hawaiian island of Moloka’I some three years ago.  This peninsula became the site of a leper colony after leprosy found its way to Hawaii.  Even relatively isolated amidst the biggest ocean of the planet Hawaii was ultimately ‘discovered’ by the West.  And with that discovery came the introduction of foreign peoples, plants, animals…and illness.

Despite our amazing advances in technology, medicine and other disciplines I do not know that such advancement has fundamentally impacted human nature all that much.  The prospect of a pandemic has a way of drawing attention to our collective nature.  Fear of infection, illness and accidents, as well as disability, lost work and untimely death which can occur as a result, prompt both individuals and whole societies to engage in a wide variety of actions to reduce risk.  We wash our hands more often and with more attentiveness.  We may reduce risk of potential exposure by limiting our time in public places.  We stand up and walk away from those of us who cough just a little too much.  We quarantine the deeply ill.  And on the larger scale of whole nations we may enact measures such as travel bans and restrictions, screenings at major thresholds on our borders and so on.  And quarantine can ultimately prove extremely valuable.

One only need to google ‘AIDS hysteria’ to see that many, many people suffered in the 1980s as HIV continued to spread throughout the globe.  There were those who became infected with HIV.  And some of them went on to develop AIDS.  And then there were all the people who were somehow immediately connected to those who became HIV+ but never became positive themselves.  And then there was the much larger circle of the rest of the planet.  Regardless of where any one particular person fell within the web of our interconnectedness we were all somehow affected by the AIDS epidemic.  Some of us just might (still) not know this.

An April, 1986 article in the Chicago Tribune provides a concise summary of some of the most unfortunate consequences of the AIDS epidemic:

• At one point at least half a surveyed population supported the idea of a quarantine of AIDS patients

• Some people (15% noted in the article) even favored tattooing AIDS victims (this is reminiscent of labeling Jews in Nazi-era Germany as well as the life of Hester Prynne as told in The Scarlet Letter)

• An increase in adverse actions on the part of some employers was noted.  This was due, in part, to a fear of transmission of AIDS in the workplace

• Some health-care workers refused to provide care to those dying of AIDS

• Even HIV+ children experienced discrimination.  Ryan White of Kokomo, Indiana is by far one of the best known examples.  Considering the ways in which HIV is in fact transmitted (through intimate sexual contact, sharing contaminated needles, receiving infected blood or blood products, from mother to fetus) discrimination perpetrated against children was an especially abhorrent manifestation of the fear of HIV and AIDS

More than thirty years has passed since the AIDS epidemic exploded into global awareness.  Thirty years ago this very month (October, 1984) bath houses in San Francisco were ordered closed by the city’s health department.  The next year, in April, 1985, the first international AIDS conference was held in Atlanta, Georgia.  It would be more than two years still later when President Ronald Reagan would finally acknowledge  AIDS in a speech.  A good timeline of significant events in the evolution of and response to the AIDS epidemic can be found on the NPR website here.  There was even a time when AIDS was noted to be the leading cause of death among American men aged 25 to 44!

How will the response to the Ebola epidemic unfold?  Will there be a measure of carelessness, bureaucratic dithering and prejudice equal to what was witnessed in the early years of the AIDS epidemic?  Only time will tell.  Every disease is unique in some respect.  But we are already witnessing the significant consequences of the spread of Ebola.  Certain basic cultural norms (such as an orientation towards physical contact) are being upended by the spread of the Ebola virus and the fear of the virus that spreads at the same time.  I think it is also a correct assertion to make that diseases common to those who exist at the margins of society are less likely to receive significant attention.  Put differently, those perceived to be of little value in a society will likely garner less attention than those who enjoy more power, more wealth and more access.

It was quite easy to meditate on the subjects of sickness and health as well as boundaries today.  I caught something of an autumn cold this past Sunday.  Being sick is a great way to be reminded of the gift of having a functional and strong immune system.  As I continue to rest and practice good self-care skills I am grateful to live in a country with a relatively decent public health infrastructure.  But there are no guarantees.  There are no walls that can ultimately withstand the passage of eternity.  And I think it only natural to ask: When we build a wall are we keeping out much of the bad or are we also keeping out a lot of the good?

On Complex PTSD, Part II

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Yesterday I began a brief survey of six potential indicators for a new term proposed by Judith Herman of Harvard University.  That term is ‘Complex PTSD’.  Today I will discuss the second of those six potential indicators.  This one is consciousness.

According to the National Center for PTSD problems with consciousness may be noted in the following ways:

• Forgetting traumatic events
• Reliving traumatic events
• Having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation)

When I began therapy last year I had no idea how efficient I had become in practicing the coping skill of dissociation.  EMDR therapy and regular consistent work with my therapist helped me to develop a newfound appreciation for just how often I was unknowingly dissociating.  As I gradually emerged from this unconscious pattern I often felt as if I was awakening from a very long and unpleasant dream.  Even now, sixteen months later, I still find myself stopping in my tracks on occasion and simply witnessing the beauty of the world around me.  It seems I awoke from a persistent tendency to dissociate after practicing it off and on over the course of nearly three decades. 

Forgetting traumatic events is a coping mechanism I find perfectly understandable.  When a person becomes overwhelmed by a situation in which his very life is threatened I think it is only natural that some loss of memory of the incident might occur.  Forgetting events (at least for some amount of time after they occur) can allow a person to protect his psyche until the environment around him becomes safe again.  Once such safety is reestablished a person can then begin to open back up to the world and allow the pain, fear and anxiety previously experienced to come more fully into conscious awareness.

I had developed a tendency to dissociate as a means of coping.  As my own therapy has progressed I have come to more deeply appreciate how I lived in a persistently heightened state of anxiety for many, many years.  This insight was long in the making.  It was as if each therapy session were the equivalent of adding a step to a ladder or stairwell.  Eventually I laid enough steps in place that I could gain an elevated perspective on my life and truly begin to see how what I had experienced had affected me.  I essentially developed a ‘bird’s eye view’ of my life.

My growing clarity regarding how much anxiety I felt throughout my childhood initially left me feeling consumed in a fresh wave of pain and grief.  But eventually the benefit of the insight began to encourage me more than it burdened me.  I believe the consequences of clarity can, ironically, sometimes leave people feeling even worse when they are first in therapy as compared to that time in their lives immediately before they seek out help.  I believe it is not uncommon to have an initial feeling of euphoria when a person first enters treatment.  The mere acknowledgement that something is simply not working in life is a first and vital step to healing.  But I think most of us subsequently experience a ‘psychic dip’ as the full scope of what real recovery and restoration of our health will require of us begins to become exceedingly clear.  It thus doesn’t surprise me when some people abandon their commitment to restoring their lives when the initial euphoria disappears.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #19

Healthy activities today:

• I went to visit my chiropractor
• I am going to sit in the sauna at the gym
• I am going to remind myself of that which is good and functional in my life to keep my attitude positive

On Complex PTSD, Part I

Monday, October 13, 2014

A few months ago I consulted with a psychologist based here in Minneapolis.  I did so because I wanted to seek out a second opinion regarding the status of my mental health.  Though I work with a capable and kind therapist I thought it would be wise to obtain the perspective of another person.

In the short time I met with Dr. Valtinson I was introduced to the term ‘Complex PTSD’.  To learn more about this proposed diagnostic term you can search for other daily pieces I have written in my blog by using that term in the search bar.  To read a brief survey of the history of PTSD please visit this link.  You can find the following potential indicators associated with Complex PTSD (which are noted below) at this link.


COMPLEX PTSD

• Emotional Regulation. May include persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts, explosive anger, or inhibited anger.

• Consciousness.  Includes forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body (dissociation).

• Self-Perception. May include helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma, and a sense of being completely different from other human beings.

• Distorted Perceptions of the Perpetrator.  Examples include attributing total power to the perpetrator, becoming preoccupied with the relationship to the perpetrator, or preoccupied with revenge.

• Relations with Others.  Examples include isolation, distrust, or a repeated search for a rescuer.

• One's System of Meanings.  May include a loss of sustaining faith or a sense of hopelessness and despair.

Last week I indicated I would write a series of six sequential posts focused on each of the six issues noted above.  Today I will begin with the first of the list: Emotional Regulation.

Deep and enduring sadness or anger can indeed be an indication that something is profoundly troubling a person.  Earlier this year I experienced a long stretch of time in which I was especially aware of feeling consistently sad.  My sadness was so persistent that I made note of it in a separate document in which I keep regular notes about my health.  There were days when my sadness felt so deeply entrenched that I nearly felt myself despairing that the sadness would eventually lift.

Has my sadness improved since the summer? Yes.  Is it completely gone?  No it is not.  But healing takes time as I have come to accept more and more.  I honestly do not think I could be healing much more quickly than I have been these last fifteen months.  I have waged a virtual ‘campaign’ to address what had too long gone unaddressed.

I also still feel angry on occasion.  But there is a major difference between how I feel now and how I felt over twelve months ago.  The anger I experienced last year was a result of the white hot disappointment and outrage I felt when relatives within my paternal family of origin again did what they do so well, namely avoid my questions and claim ignorance as to what could or should be done.  When I feel angry now it is almost always a passing experience.  I am likely to feel angry only if I find myself ruminating on the old wounding experiences of my childhood.  And thankfully I am beginning to truly move beyond this very unhealthy habit.

As unpleasant as being angry can be and as destructive as it can prove to be in social and other settings it is nonetheless imperative that we find a way to befriend whatever anger we have inside us.  Though expressing anger can lead to destructive and even irreversible consequences anger itself is not something I believe should be unduly or overly pathologized.  For example, anger is a natural and healthy response to injustice in the world.  Without anger at injustice some of the greatest social and political change movements throughout the centuries might never have taken place.

I will continue my survey of criteria proposed to be potential indicators of Complex PTSD when I return to write my blog tomorrow.  Tomorrow I plan to focus on the issue of consciousness.

......


I am actually feeling a bit under the weather today.  I wrote the content which appears above over the weekend.  Assuming I feel better I plan to post each day this week.  I had a vivid dream last night which I documented elsewhere.  The dream served as a strong reminder to me of the value of keeping a dream journal.

Have a great Monday everyone!


Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #18

Healthy activities for my Monday:

• Moving more slowly in acknowledgement of the fact I feel a bit under the weather
• Preparing a plan to ensure I have sufficient warm clothing for the upcoming winter
• Making contact with friends based here in the Twin Cities and elsewhere as a way of maintaining my connection to the world

A Lovely Sunday

Sunday, October 12, 2014


I am learning how to take occasional breaks from writing my blog.  A new post will appear tomorrow.

Post Script

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #17

• I went to the Y and soaked in the hot tub
• I reached out to a friend to seek her input on a matter I am contemplating
• I savored the beautiful fall colors

Lambent Autumn Light

Saturday, October 11, 2014


This morning I went for a walk in Loring Park.  It's a beautiful park very close to downtown Minneapolis.  The park itself is one reason I moved to where I did.  I love the location!

Last night was a very chilly night.  I think we had our first 'official' frost here in the heart of the Twin Cities.  A number of the flowers were bedecked with frost.  I wanted to get out and enjoy the park's fading summer glory of flowers before the increasingly cold nights kill them off.  Though the days filled with sunshine are glorious to experience the ever lengthening shadows remind me that autumn will eventually give way to the hibernation and stillness of winter.  But Spring will return one day.  The cycle of life is always turning.

The beauty of this morning reminded me, yet again, of the gift of my clear vision.  I find myself so fascinated with the smallest of details in the world that meets my eyes.  The wonder and curiosity I frequently now feel is something like what you might expect a child to experience.  It's amazing to have this experience at the age of forty-one.


Post Script 

Fifty Day Challenge, Day #16

Healthy activities:

• I went for a walk in my neighborhood park
• I enjoyed some time in a local coffee shop