Thursday, April 28, 2016

Please Hold My Hand

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Is dying completely alone something you would dread to have happen to you? I suspect many people would rank such an experience very high on their list of Things I Never Want To Go Through.

I had a really good session with my therapist on Tuesday. We have transitioned to a new format; I meet with him once a week for approximately two hours. I find I am enjoying this new format; I do not feel rushed now when I sit down and do my work. I reference this issue of dying alone because I focused on this particular topic while meeting with him on Tuesday.

We did some visualization work that allowed me to create a place I can imagine myself in each night when I am falling asleep. While co-creating this imaginal realm my therapist held my hand. It's just one of many aspects of his particular approach to working with clients that I enjoy. We all need the beauty of human touch.

While co-creating a beautiful scene I can slip into each night I told myself to remember his touch should it ever happen that I find myself dying alone. I feel that such a fate would be particularly difficult for me given how often I felt (and was) alone when I was a kid. Children should not be left unattended for long periods of time. I experienced such aloneness too often. Part of the grief I carried for so long developed in response to this sense of isolation.

I am reminded of one piece of beauty amidst the tragedy of the 1972 Andean airplane crash I wrote about earlier this week. Nando Parrado lost his mother and sister in that disaster. Nando was with his sister as she passed away. Amidst the life threatening circumstances that surrounded him in the remote Andes he was at least able to be present to his sister as she died. She had someone to hold her as she made that transition that we all will make one day.

I yearn for authentic human presence.


I generally feel fairly good these days. When I begin to feel I am perhaps pushing myself too hard I remind myself that it still has not been a full calendar year of time since I completely titrated off the SSRI that I took for approximately two years. Change takes time. And long lasting, deep change most definitely takes time.

I have recently been appreciating that this very blog represents a profound transformation in who I am. As I look back I see that my personal and professional values have significantly changed. I see that one of my implicit intentions in the journey I have documented here was to help educate others. If my blog has inspired or educated just one person then I can easily see it as a success. It is clear to me now that I want to educate people as part of my future work.

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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!