Monday, December 2, 2013
One of the concepts I was first introduced to by the Catholic Church is the idea of mystery. I cannot ever recall a time in my life when I have felt more strongly that I am living the mystery of life as well as something of a mysterious life. I am becoming a person I cannot yet clearly discern; I am in process...a work in progress really. As I continue therapy and work through all the layers of pain and suffering I felt (and then later started not feeling) earlier in my life I feel more and more like a different person. And many times I find myself wondering who this person will be when I finally complete the process of going to therapy. And I also naturally wonder just when that will be. I have some big dreams for myself and I hope I will still be able to achieve them.
Our pastor of my MCC congregation spoke of the "impossible dream" yesterday during the service. I certainly felt that the topic was timely for my own ears. Since I began reassessing my life in July I have been frequently asking myself just what is realistic for me to strive for. What can I accomplish and what opportunities are now foreclosed to me? So many questions run through my mind on any given day that it can be a little confusing to be me. Who is this person sitting and typing yet another posting on his computer?
As the darkest days of the year approach I find myself feeling quite "in the dark" about my future. I actually feel quite optimistic about my future because I clearly see that I am improving at a very significant pace. I just can't clearly see many of the details of what future I will be living. Now is a time in my life very suitable for the practice of creative visualization. I spoke about this concept with my friend Arlene as I made my way to my most recent therapy session earlier today.
I find it rather mysterious that I didn't more clearly see and feel the aching void within myself before I was diagnosed with PTSD in June. But then again the power of dissociation can be very immense as well as something we may discover ourselves practicing with little if any conscious awareness. As I have recounted previously I have done a lot of therapeutic work earlier in my life. I told myself that the work I had done was sufficient to make me well. But that wasn't entirely true. The past therapy I did certainly helped me but it's obvious the deepest layers of my pain had never been reached and healed. Just admitting to myself that I still did not feel quite right was itself a huge step to take. And I have been taking huge steps forward ever since then. I have been doing the type of intensive training someone like Hercules could respect.
As typically happens when I do a session featuring EMDR I felt myself clearer within myself and the world around me sharper and more vivid when I left my session today. I have come to develop something of an expectation that such vividness will be my felt reality after doing EMDR. It really is quite an amazing technique. If you are reading this and are in recovery from PTSD I highly encourage you to consider seeking out a therapist who has training in this treatment modality.
Being fully in my body is still such an amazing and exhilarating experience.
One of the concepts I was first introduced to by the Catholic Church is the idea of mystery. I cannot ever recall a time in my life when I have felt more strongly that I am living the mystery of life as well as something of a mysterious life. I am becoming a person I cannot yet clearly discern; I am in process...a work in progress really. As I continue therapy and work through all the layers of pain and suffering I felt (and then later started not feeling) earlier in my life I feel more and more like a different person. And many times I find myself wondering who this person will be when I finally complete the process of going to therapy. And I also naturally wonder just when that will be. I have some big dreams for myself and I hope I will still be able to achieve them.
Our pastor of my MCC congregation spoke of the "impossible dream" yesterday during the service. I certainly felt that the topic was timely for my own ears. Since I began reassessing my life in July I have been frequently asking myself just what is realistic for me to strive for. What can I accomplish and what opportunities are now foreclosed to me? So many questions run through my mind on any given day that it can be a little confusing to be me. Who is this person sitting and typing yet another posting on his computer?
As the darkest days of the year approach I find myself feeling quite "in the dark" about my future. I actually feel quite optimistic about my future because I clearly see that I am improving at a very significant pace. I just can't clearly see many of the details of what future I will be living. Now is a time in my life very suitable for the practice of creative visualization. I spoke about this concept with my friend Arlene as I made my way to my most recent therapy session earlier today.
I find it rather mysterious that I didn't more clearly see and feel the aching void within myself before I was diagnosed with PTSD in June. But then again the power of dissociation can be very immense as well as something we may discover ourselves practicing with little if any conscious awareness. As I have recounted previously I have done a lot of therapeutic work earlier in my life. I told myself that the work I had done was sufficient to make me well. But that wasn't entirely true. The past therapy I did certainly helped me but it's obvious the deepest layers of my pain had never been reached and healed. Just admitting to myself that I still did not feel quite right was itself a huge step to take. And I have been taking huge steps forward ever since then. I have been doing the type of intensive training someone like Hercules could respect.
As typically happens when I do a session featuring EMDR I felt myself clearer within myself and the world around me sharper and more vivid when I left my session today. I have come to develop something of an expectation that such vividness will be my felt reality after doing EMDR. It really is quite an amazing technique. If you are reading this and are in recovery from PTSD I highly encourage you to consider seeking out a therapist who has training in this treatment modality.
Being fully in my body is still such an amazing and exhilarating experience.
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