Saturday, December 7, 2013
It feels so surreal to be me these days. I did a shamanic soul retrieval session with a local practitioner two weeks ago as of today. Ever since that day I have felt profoundly different...and profoundly better. Despite my articulate nature I find that words are quite often failing me. I simply cannot easily describe what I am experiencing. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before in my life. And this is certainly saying something considering I am forty years old and have traveled the world to places as far distant as Hawaii and Norway.
I've come to the realization that I was experiencing what I have come to describe as a decades long partial out of body experience. And I realize that this experience began very early in my life when I experienced the trauma of witnessing my mother begin to descend into the darkness of schizophrenia. After going through the soul retrieval process the practitioner informed me that she had collected soul pieces from different moments of my life history including when I was one, three, five and eight years old. Ever since hearing this I have had numerous questions floating through my mind. One prominent question has been this: What is it like to be back fully in my body when a piece of me split off at such an incredibly young age? I do not know anyone else who has had this experience. And so I often feel a bit confused as to what will unfold in the immediate future as I continue to integrate these amazing experiences and more clearly manifest the true essence of who I am.
One practice that is proving immensely helpful to me is my regular exercise routine. I have been joking with friends that I have become such a regular that I now qualify to be called a gym bunny. I have been active throughout my life history but, after what I have gone through this year, I have made a resolution to always be active in my life from this moment forward. I feel amazingly good considering all the stress I have been dealing with lately. Indeed, I am often astounded by how well I am doing considering the litany of issues that I have had on my plate. And I do not use the word litany lightly!
I seem to have rediscovered the childlike wonder that, well, children have with their bodies. I am amazed by what I can do and by how much pleasure I am taking from doing the simplest of activities...like merely walking outside. And strange as it may sound I even find myself taking immense pleasure in walking outside even though the temperature is currently struggling to reach 0 F.
I sense that my rigorous devotion to exercise is simply reinforcing my newfound ability to be completely present in the present moment. Focusing on physical activity requires me to apply my mind to something other than the contents of my own memory. In doing exercise with such rigor and consistency it feels as if I am synthesizing myself into something very new...and very unknown.
There are moments when I feel my anxiety level surge as I find myself caught up in thoughts rolling through my mind about what is ultimately happening to me. I had such a moment yesterday. I suddenly felt nearly panicked if I did not start moving my body at some point in the day. At first I wondered if I was indeed having a panic attack. After just focusing on consciously breathing for a few moments I realized I was actually just feeling that feeling of confusion now that I am back here in the present moment. It is still quite unfamiliar for me to feel as I am feeling now.
Here is another example of the...surrealism. We recently had our first true snow of the season here in Minnesota. It's a little amazing how loud the sound of snow crunching under my boots seems. I have always had good hearing but what I experience now seems to be a step above what I have been previously accustomed to. It feels as if I am experiencing 'surround sound' quality sound. And the colors I see in the world seem so incredibly vivid.
It feels so surreal to be me these days. I did a shamanic soul retrieval session with a local practitioner two weeks ago as of today. Ever since that day I have felt profoundly different...and profoundly better. Despite my articulate nature I find that words are quite often failing me. I simply cannot easily describe what I am experiencing. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before in my life. And this is certainly saying something considering I am forty years old and have traveled the world to places as far distant as Hawaii and Norway.
I've come to the realization that I was experiencing what I have come to describe as a decades long partial out of body experience. And I realize that this experience began very early in my life when I experienced the trauma of witnessing my mother begin to descend into the darkness of schizophrenia. After going through the soul retrieval process the practitioner informed me that she had collected soul pieces from different moments of my life history including when I was one, three, five and eight years old. Ever since hearing this I have had numerous questions floating through my mind. One prominent question has been this: What is it like to be back fully in my body when a piece of me split off at such an incredibly young age? I do not know anyone else who has had this experience. And so I often feel a bit confused as to what will unfold in the immediate future as I continue to integrate these amazing experiences and more clearly manifest the true essence of who I am.
One practice that is proving immensely helpful to me is my regular exercise routine. I have been joking with friends that I have become such a regular that I now qualify to be called a gym bunny. I have been active throughout my life history but, after what I have gone through this year, I have made a resolution to always be active in my life from this moment forward. I feel amazingly good considering all the stress I have been dealing with lately. Indeed, I am often astounded by how well I am doing considering the litany of issues that I have had on my plate. And I do not use the word litany lightly!
I seem to have rediscovered the childlike wonder that, well, children have with their bodies. I am amazed by what I can do and by how much pleasure I am taking from doing the simplest of activities...like merely walking outside. And strange as it may sound I even find myself taking immense pleasure in walking outside even though the temperature is currently struggling to reach 0 F.
I sense that my rigorous devotion to exercise is simply reinforcing my newfound ability to be completely present in the present moment. Focusing on physical activity requires me to apply my mind to something other than the contents of my own memory. In doing exercise with such rigor and consistency it feels as if I am synthesizing myself into something very new...and very unknown.
There are moments when I feel my anxiety level surge as I find myself caught up in thoughts rolling through my mind about what is ultimately happening to me. I had such a moment yesterday. I suddenly felt nearly panicked if I did not start moving my body at some point in the day. At first I wondered if I was indeed having a panic attack. After just focusing on consciously breathing for a few moments I realized I was actually just feeling that feeling of confusion now that I am back here in the present moment. It is still quite unfamiliar for me to feel as I am feeling now.
Here is another example of the...surrealism. We recently had our first true snow of the season here in Minnesota. It's a little amazing how loud the sound of snow crunching under my boots seems. I have always had good hearing but what I experience now seems to be a step above what I have been previously accustomed to. It feels as if I am experiencing 'surround sound' quality sound. And the colors I see in the world seem so incredibly vivid.
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!