Thursday, December 19, 2013
I had a profound realization this morning when I was in session with my physical therapist. A declarative statement filled my conscious mind near the end of the session. And the statement was: 'My mother had post-partum depression.' I can't prove this is true by pointing to a diagnosis contained in my mother's medical record. I cannot necessarily ask a member of my father's family who knew my mother in the time immediately after my birth and confirm this feeling I have is based in truth. Nevertheless, the cells of my body proclaim this is the truth. I feel in the fibers of my being that my mother experienced depression after my birth. What exactly the causative factors are is not something I can easily articulate now. But again, I know this is true. I feel it in the very bones of my body.
After this thought first entered my conscious awareness I found myself feeling an extraordinary amount of sadness. The music playing in my physical therapist's office only enhanced my ability to sit within my sadness and truly feel it. I found myself crying as I became aware, consciously, of just how painful it was to be around my mother during the first years of my life. It's no wonder I was diagnosed with PTSD...to be around your birthmother and witness her descent into schizophrenia as a very, very small child is a sad thing to witness. It is indeed very sad. It seems I am finally accessing the well of sadness I carried within myself. I plunged into that well back in May when I saw my mother in person. It's my sense that our DNA recognizes its own relations. When I saw my mother in May and touched her it awoke me to the pain I was still carrying inside me.
My fellowship with the American Council on Germany is finally complete. With this project removed from my 'life plate' I can now focus on my personal healing process more directly. I feel such a sense of relief to have this commitment finally complete. It was difficult for me to rouse my enthusiasm for the research related to my project not because I didn't think the topic was important (I did) but because I felt so consumed by the unexpected project of once again entering into therapy to address yet again the impact of my early life on my personal development.
At some point between my sitting up on the table in my physical therapist's office and my arrival at Abbott Northwestern Hospital later this morning I also found myself thinking of this beautiful picture of me that was taken when I was a small boy. In the picture I am smiling and wearing some leather apparel. I had this thought appear in my mind this morning that even on the day that picture was taken I was feeling sadness within myself that I didn't feel safe to express. And realizing this was the truth of my experience I again felt sad today, in this present moment. I felt grief and sadness as I thought of the pain I endured in some of the earliest years of life. It was so incredibly painful. It is no wonder I became quite a master of dissociation...and then became unconscious of my art of dissociation.
I still feel disoriented much of the time these days. The insight I am gaining in therapy is so profound and so transformative that there is simply no way I can ever be the person I was before I entered therapy yet again. And most days, at some point in the day, I find myself briefly wondering when I will feel 'normal' again. I wonder where this process is ultimately leading me. I wonder what type of man I am going to become. What is the 'authentic' me who is now emergent?
My physical therapist used the term 'emotionally starved' to describe people who as children or even babies do not receive sufficient nurturing. I do not wish to use this phrase to describe me but I realize it is the truth of my felt experience. I did feel emotionally starved. It's such a painful realization to have.
I titled this entry 'Depth Insight'. Here is another reason for my choice of words. I have noticed something else lately as I continue therapy and as I continue to occasionally use EMDR in my treatment. The world looks three-dimensional. Obviously the world is three-dimensional but somehow it now appears more three dimensional than it ever has. The world has texture. The world has depth. It seems that my actual vision has literally changed. I noticed this, yet again, one night recently. As I walked home amidst snowbanks and weak lighting I caught myself noticing the play of light and darkness out of the corner of my eyes. Yes, it seems that somehow my peripheral vision has changed or improved. This is a striking development. It is yet another development I am still growing accustomed to.
I have a feeling 2014 is going to be my most interesting and enjoyable year yet!
I had a profound realization this morning when I was in session with my physical therapist. A declarative statement filled my conscious mind near the end of the session. And the statement was: 'My mother had post-partum depression.' I can't prove this is true by pointing to a diagnosis contained in my mother's medical record. I cannot necessarily ask a member of my father's family who knew my mother in the time immediately after my birth and confirm this feeling I have is based in truth. Nevertheless, the cells of my body proclaim this is the truth. I feel in the fibers of my being that my mother experienced depression after my birth. What exactly the causative factors are is not something I can easily articulate now. But again, I know this is true. I feel it in the very bones of my body.
After this thought first entered my conscious awareness I found myself feeling an extraordinary amount of sadness. The music playing in my physical therapist's office only enhanced my ability to sit within my sadness and truly feel it. I found myself crying as I became aware, consciously, of just how painful it was to be around my mother during the first years of my life. It's no wonder I was diagnosed with PTSD...to be around your birthmother and witness her descent into schizophrenia as a very, very small child is a sad thing to witness. It is indeed very sad. It seems I am finally accessing the well of sadness I carried within myself. I plunged into that well back in May when I saw my mother in person. It's my sense that our DNA recognizes its own relations. When I saw my mother in May and touched her it awoke me to the pain I was still carrying inside me.
My fellowship with the American Council on Germany is finally complete. With this project removed from my 'life plate' I can now focus on my personal healing process more directly. I feel such a sense of relief to have this commitment finally complete. It was difficult for me to rouse my enthusiasm for the research related to my project not because I didn't think the topic was important (I did) but because I felt so consumed by the unexpected project of once again entering into therapy to address yet again the impact of my early life on my personal development.
At some point between my sitting up on the table in my physical therapist's office and my arrival at Abbott Northwestern Hospital later this morning I also found myself thinking of this beautiful picture of me that was taken when I was a small boy. In the picture I am smiling and wearing some leather apparel. I had this thought appear in my mind this morning that even on the day that picture was taken I was feeling sadness within myself that I didn't feel safe to express. And realizing this was the truth of my experience I again felt sad today, in this present moment. I felt grief and sadness as I thought of the pain I endured in some of the earliest years of life. It was so incredibly painful. It is no wonder I became quite a master of dissociation...and then became unconscious of my art of dissociation.
I still feel disoriented much of the time these days. The insight I am gaining in therapy is so profound and so transformative that there is simply no way I can ever be the person I was before I entered therapy yet again. And most days, at some point in the day, I find myself briefly wondering when I will feel 'normal' again. I wonder where this process is ultimately leading me. I wonder what type of man I am going to become. What is the 'authentic' me who is now emergent?
My physical therapist used the term 'emotionally starved' to describe people who as children or even babies do not receive sufficient nurturing. I do not wish to use this phrase to describe me but I realize it is the truth of my felt experience. I did feel emotionally starved. It's such a painful realization to have.
I titled this entry 'Depth Insight'. Here is another reason for my choice of words. I have noticed something else lately as I continue therapy and as I continue to occasionally use EMDR in my treatment. The world looks three-dimensional. Obviously the world is three-dimensional but somehow it now appears more three dimensional than it ever has. The world has texture. The world has depth. It seems that my actual vision has literally changed. I noticed this, yet again, one night recently. As I walked home amidst snowbanks and weak lighting I caught myself noticing the play of light and darkness out of the corner of my eyes. Yes, it seems that somehow my peripheral vision has changed or improved. This is a striking development. It is yet another development I am still growing accustomed to.
I have a feeling 2014 is going to be my most interesting and enjoyable year yet!
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