Looking Back One Year Ago: May 16, 2013

Friday, May 16, 2014


My writing one year ago today...

Day 4, Part I

Now it is starting to become really "interesting"...

Today I will be visiting two organizations as part of my research tour with the American Council on Germany. Those organizations are Oceana and Oceans and People. I'll post a link to Oceana at the bottom of this commentary.

So yesterday I had a most unexpected spontaneous divination session with two dear women friends (Erin Langley and Melanie Corrigan) who were students at the time I attended Naropa University. As some of you on Facebook know one of the arts I was mentored in at that time was learning the ancient systems of divination my ancestry used. One system common in northern Europe were the runes.

Yesterday Erin, Melanie and I did a reading despite being separated by thousands of miles. And what a reading it was. The results inspired me to remember that the wholeness of the world and the wholeness within each of us are inextricably linked. When we heal ourselves we actually heal the world "outside" of us...as the outside is a reflection of the inside. This is one tenet I have learned from learning about the Hawaiian art of Ho'oponopono.

One of the runes also extended an invitation to acknowledge that what we shove into our individual and collective shadows needs to be honored and reclaimed. Much personal power can be discovered when we work to synthesize our light and shadow selves. And so my question for the day (inspired by Mark Hollenstein's daily question series) is: What have you exiled to the shadow-world that you wish to reclaim?

Thank you again to Apela Colorado. As one of my most influential mentors I would not be the person I am today without your love and support.

More coming later today!

Day 4, Part II

Before I embarked on my trip to Europe I did a tarot reading to give me a sense of what might be in store for me on my journey. I was delighted to discover the most positive set of seven cards I have ever pulled in a reading. And one of the cards I drew was the Magician Card. I have been meditating on this card this morning...as I again enjoyed a wonderful breakfast.

It's become obvious to me that I am meant to be developing some greater skill as a magician. I was reminded of this by friends such as Willow Aray. I have also been reflecting on my life and pondering what kinds of friends I have and what they tend to do for a vocation. And it comes as no surprise that many of them are mystical people who engage in magical work such as shamanic journey work. Indeed, if I count them out I see I have many such friends involved in this work. Some of them include John Ravenmoon, Carol Carmick, Joe Doherty, Andrew Killilea-Moore, Birgit Sperling Stearns, et al. It's an informative process to reflect on the friends you keep...because in some way your friends mirror back to you who you are as a person...or who you would like to be.

When I decided to embark on this journey I had many wishes in my heart. I am pleased to see many of them are coming true...and I pray that all the good wishes in my heart...for my own life...and for those I love...come true as well! Despite the many obstacles I have faced in my life I have nonetheless enjoyed an extremely rewarding life. And for this I am very grateful. — in Brussels, Région De Bruxelles-Capitale, Belgium.

Day 4, Part III - The Episode known as "Bernd needs a trail of bread crumbs"

So today has not flowed quite like I expected it would...I am physically wiped out at the moment. Nonetheless it has been a very educational day...and not just because of my visit to Oceana. My visit to Oceana was in fact enjoyable and productive. Who knows where the connections I am establishing will lead me. The path forward is not clear.

Speaking of the path forward...it was surreal what happened when I left the Oceana office and tried, repeat TRIED, to make my way back to my accommodation. I got lost. More than once. More than many times. If I had counted how many times I think I would have felt mortified. I literally got lost every time I thought I was going in the right direction. I retraced my steps back to the Oceana office. Even after retracing my steps back to the office I STILL got lost. And this was with a map! And of course it was raining the whole day. But what was MORE interesting was what I saw when I began the process of retracing my steps back to Ocean's office. As I went backwards (in a sense) into that past moment of being at that office I literally saw my own past life symbolized in countless images and people.

Ever since I began practicing Ho'oponopono I have really started to see and believe that our inner world is vividly reflected in our outer world...in the supposed world separate from us. These things I saw on the way back...all the way back to my accommodation:

* I ended up walking behind a man using a crutch for his left side. My left side is the weaker side and I have had issues with it on occasion. Near the end of walking behind him we both encountered a near traffic jam of people in wheelchairs crossing a street.

* I went into a puzzle store on a whim. Inside were some puzzles that grabbed my attention. Three in particular were a Titanic puzzle, a puzzle featuring the night sky and one of San Francisco. These all represent significant associations to my past.

* At another point I was walking and encountered a virtual parade of young students, all speaking in German, walking the other direction. My mind drifted to those times I had wondered how my life would have been different had I grown up in Germany.

* What MOST stands out was a building I encountered as I retraced my steps. The building looked derelict. On the side I first noticed was the word "Mad" in spray paint. The letters were two stories tall. And I thought about how mad or angry I have been in my life previously.

* References to God and the Devil also appeared. I saw a theatre where the movie "Only God Forgives" was playing. Now check out the plot line:

"Julian, a drug-smuggler thriving in Bangkok's criminal underworld, sees his life get even more complicated when his mother compels him to find and kill whoever is responsible for his brother's recent death."

The plot features a complex tale involving a man's relationship with his mother. I am hoping to address my own complicated relationship with my mother in a healing way on this trip!

I then thought of links I posted just yesterday...two of them featured reference to the Devil.

When I was nearly back "home" I saw an ad for a concert. The title was "God is a DJ"...

There is a heaven and hell theme going on here...

It became more and more surreal as I noticed this theme continuing to unfold around me. It was all such a mirror image of what has populated my inner world. The outside WAS in fact revealing my inside.

Besides what I learned at Oceana today I learned even more about myself walking home. Getting lost in a geographic sense made me realize how much I have felt lost in a spiritual and psychological sense earlier in my life.

In this trip I hope to find my "real" self...my authentic me. It is a profound journey to reclaim all pieces of yourself.

Thanks again to Andrew Killilea-Moore and Birgit Sperling Stearns. This journey will be unforgettable.

Day 4, Part IV - Staring into the Void of Primal Fear

It's been an interesting day. Yeah, that is an understatement. This day has not evolved at all like I wished it to. I have so much preparation work to do for my interviews tomorrow...and I am so exhausted. But I suppose that is what can happen when you are juggling a research project in one hand and the emotional roller coaster you feel churning through you as you prepare to meet your family again...the family you have not seen in a decade...the family you felt alienated from as a kid...the family that means a lot to you...but you have not always said as much.

Fear has to be our most primal emotion. It stirs us to fight or flight. We can cower...or we can overpower. I am not going to allow fear to stop me from doing what is in my heart. I don't care how dramatic, overwrought, pathetic or sad I might seem when I write about this on Facebook or talk to my friends in other ways. To be human is to be wounded. To be human is to be disappointed. To be human is to be confused. To be human is to wonder. To be human is to require courage. To be human is to risk everything for the love of something you treasure.

I have missed my family in Germany quite a lot. I sensed when I began this trip that I would get in touch with this feeling more...and that it might loom larger than I was consciously aware of. And it sure has! This grief is like a well you cannot see the bottom of.

I lit a candle tonight in honor of my ancestors...that I might rediscover a sense of wholeness and connection to ALL my family...to ALL my relations.

Love is the most powerful force in the Cosmos.