Calgon, Take Me Away! I Wash My Hands Of It

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I think the expression "I am washing my hands of it" was made popular due to the Biblical story of Pontius Pilate washing his hands of his role in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Regardless of the historical veracity of this story (I do not know that I believe in the historical Jesus) the expression is a great one to use as I say goodbye to the year 2013. It will be one forever etched in my memory I do believe.

I am cleaning out the dross of the past to open myself to an amazing new future. And one action I am taking among many is severing my ties with the Twin Cities Gay Men's Chorus. I have previously never actually named the organization. I feel comfortable doing so now. I met some amazing men in that organization. They know who they are. I also met some individuals so apparently devoid of compassion I wouldn't wish them to cross my path again...nor the paths of anyone I care about. It's sad when "bad apples" spoil the whole bunch. My now former landlord, who is on the Board of Directors of this organization, did not even acknowledge one of the primary issues I had with him (his failure to properly inform me how to care for one of his dogs) when he responded to an email I sent him recently. Apparently he is that dysfunctional that he will not even acknowledge responsibility for his own negligent behavior. It's so incredibly sad.

But it is time for me to move on now. I am free of that situation. As 2014 begins I am going to continue to excise from my life all that does not serve my highest good. I no longer wish to be in the company of narcissists, liars and those devoid of compassion and empathy. This can be a challenging task to pursue given how much pain and suffering there is in the world but I finally feel within myself a strength I have not felt in my life. Now that I am strong enough to do so I will work diligently to strip out all other problems from my life. This doesn't mean there will not be 'problems' to deal with on occasion but I do feel more 'up to the challenge' now that I feel myself awake in a way I never have been before. It still feels a bit weird to awaken from an anxiety disorder I had for decades.

Taking a deep breath in and releasing it I release the past and all that it was. It no longer holds a claim on me. It has brought me to this wondrous moment known as the present. I will move forward with a renewed and deeper faith in my ability to take care of myself.

Happy New Year!

The Challenge of Ethical Quandries

Monday, December 30, 2013

Among the many pieces of my life I am currently giving attention is the resolution of an issue of harassment I experienced earlier this year. The situation became quite complex. The basic scenario appears below.

At the beginning of 2013 I became a member of a local chorus here in Minneapolis. A few months later I moved into the home of one of the members of the chorus and began renting a bedroom from him. This man also happens to be on the Board of Directors. Then June came and "all hell broke loose". I wasn't expecting to get diagnosed with PTSD. I also was not expecting to be sick for much of the month of June nor begin experiencing harassment after speaking my mind (and heart) on June 13th at the chorus' annual meeting. These circumstances prompted me to choose to take a Leave of Absence from the organization.

This past autumn, once I was finally physically and emotionally stronger, I decided to approach the organization's administration with a complaint of harassment. My request to speak directly to the Board of Directors about the issue was not granted. I then decided to push the issue harder. I was eventually granted an opportunity to speak to the Executive Committee of the chorus on December 5th. I felt the meeting was productive and left it feeling hopeful that a suitable resolution could be found to honor the needs of all concerned. Then came last week.

Last Monday I made a visit to the Minneapolis Animal Care and Control Department. In speaking with an animal control officer I learned that there were some requirements in place for the care of one of my landlord's dogs. This past August I agreed to take care of my landlord's dogs while he was away on a trip. He never informed me of these particular requirements relevant to the one dog. I also learned why the requirements were in place. At some point earlier in the dog's history it jumped the backyard fence and killed another dog. Had I known this history prior to August I would have been able to make a more informed choice when my landlord asked me to care for his dogs.  

You can easily imagine I was quite angry when I learned this information last week. By failing to give me information about how to properly care for the dog (the requirements necessitate the dog be in a muzzle and on a leash whenever it is outside of its enclosed pen in the backyard) I feel my landlord put me and the dog at heightened risk of harm. I believe it possible I could have a real claim in court against my former landlord for negligence. And I think this situation is even more grotesque because my landlord knew of my PTSD diagnosis. I would imagine a person of sound mind and judgment might consider it important to disclose to his tenant that one of his dogs is under special care requirements due to a past act of lethal aggression. And I would think that it would be even more important to disclose such information given the health issues I was addressing at the time. But then again...people are weird.

Since learning this information regarding my now former landlord's dog I have thought through the circumstances of harassment I was subjected to earlier this year. I have heard from a number of men who resigned from the chorus in 2013 that one reason they left was due to the dysfunctional politics of the chorus Board of Directors. When I think through all the information I now have at my hands I find myself struggling with the following question: Do I have an ethical responsibility to disclose what I believe is my landlord's unethical conduct (that has nothing to do directly with the chorus) to the chorus administration? At first it might seem I do not. But I can't help but wonder how I would feel if I learned later that a member of the organization was physically harmed as a consequence of the negligence of the Board of Directors to address some pressing issue. I have already reported my landlord to the Animal Care and Control Department. But should I also allude to my landlord's conduct in this other venue? I am struggling with this now.

What this issue and many other unfortunate incidents in my life have in common is the theme of unhealthy boundaries. Now I will share another story of an unfortunate incident to further illustrate my point. On Sunday, December 22, while riding the bus through town, I was witness to a heated verbal argument that eventually devolved into a fist fight. Once fists were flying I promptly got off the bus. What amazed me was that the bus driver did nothing to address the growing tension in the bus as those involved hurled hurtful words at each other. It continued to escalate and escalate and yet the driver gave the issue no direct attention from what I could see. I do not know what happened once I got off the bus (because obviously I was not there).

In the issue with my landlord's dog as well as this incident on the bus there was the common problem of what to do when people do not behave in a responsible way. I feel my landlord was very careless in his failure to disclose information relevant to his dog's care. And I felt the bus driver was careless in failing to address an escalating argument that could potentially have ended much worse (as in with gunfire). I never saw anyone brandish a gun on the bus but it's quite possible someone did have a weapon that could have been used if events had unfolded differently.

And so here I sit with the question regarding this chorus and its Board of Directors. Should I disclose the fact that I feel so uncomfortable being around my former landlord that I would not want to be in the same room with him? Should I attempt to disclose the nature of his conduct I believe could be relevant for the organization to know? Should I simply allude to it without providing the details?

Yesterday I prepared a resignation letter to submit to the organization. I have not yet sent it. I am sitting with this question of what would be the ethical choice to make.

Purging A Litany of Clutter

Saturday, December 28, 2013


It's almost amusing to me when I think back to this past June and how much was inside me that needed attention.  Before once again embarking on a therapeutic journey my mind and body were overflowing with issues that needed attention.  Many of the issues derived from my early life history (what I will call the ages of birth to 10 YOA) in which multiple traumas impacted my development and laid the foundation for what would eventually become a persistent anxiety disorder.  Despite multiple rounds of talk therapy and medication my problems would always seem to resurface later.  The context of the outer world might change (what I was doing for work, where I was living, etc) but the unresolved pain within me seemed to effortlessly magnetize to me the same types of problems.  Then I discovered EMDR.

I think it important to note that I first heard about EMDR while living on the West Coast in 2011.  I was seeing a therapist and doing talk therapy.  He recommended I consider pursuing some therapy that would specifically feature EMDR.  I filed the suggestion in my memory and eventually relocated to the East Coast to pursue an internship with the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in Silver Spring, Maryland.  I put myself through a lot of needless suffering while living in Washington, D.C.  I didn't really care for the energetic vibe of the place.  And outside of my internship I worked in a low paying fundraising position that caused me more stress than it was worth.  I was walking around with a condition that was better diagnosed as PTSD and still not even aware of it despite all my past therapy.

I have already written repeatedly about how much EMDR transformed my life.  I stand by that statement and grow only more firm in my belief as time passes and I continue to heal.  I have some questions I still have not posed to my therapist due to the fact that there has been so much to work through since I began working with him six months ago.  One primary question I have is this: does the brain start to naturally heal itself of the imprint of traumatic memories after a certain amount of EMDR therapy such that the process continues to unfold without a need for more EMDR oriented sessions?  I have wondered about this because my healing process now seems to have its own momentum.  I often feel as if my own brain now works in a way it never has before.  I cannot ever recall feeling so mentally sharp, physically healthy and optimistic as I do now.  It is not a familiar feeling.

As I continue to purge my brain of the harm I experienced in the past I am undertaking a simultaneous process to organize, simplify and de-clutter my 'outer' life.  I have made the decision to resign from the chorus I began singing in nearly a year ago.  As a means of closing that chapter of my life I will be writing a letter of resignation in which I will provide my own input on my experience of the organization.  Such input is supposedly 'welcome' according to the text of the bylaws of the organization (which I reviewed yesterday).  Just as I have utilized this blog to clear out my own past history and find a way to heal so will I again use writing to address this one particular association which now no longer serves my greatest good.

We are in the 'pit' of winter now.  After a brief thaw yesterday and today temperatures will plunge below 0F for several days.  There is an indiscernible growth in the length of the days nearly a week after the Winter Solstice.  And yet despite these harsh conditions outside I feel so full of life inside.

Each day when I awaken now I ask myself: What is possible today?  What is possible in my life?  I have a feeling 2014 will be an amazing year!

Such An Amazing Feeling

Friday, December 27, 2013


I had my physical fitness reassessed here at the downtown branch of the Minneapolis YMCA this morning.  I managed to hold myself in a plank position for over four minutes before collapsing onto the floor.  I completed different tests to assess my cardiovascular health, muscular health and flexibility.  I have no doubt that I can continue to improve my physical fitness.  This is one of my primary goals in the coming year.

Yet overall I believe I can truthfully say I have never been as healthy as I am right now.  I have felt this way for a few weeks now.  Leaving behind a life with a dysfunctional landlord whose behavior is ethically questionable at best was certainly a healthy choice to make.  Now I am confronted with what I feel I ought to do with some additional information I learned this past Monday.  I am still reflecting on what I learned and what I feel it is wise and ethical to do about it.  I plan to disclose more about this later on here on my blog.

The days are growing incrementally longer now (not enough to even be noticeable quite yet though) and knowing this is providing me some great encouragement to keep steady on my course of healing.  I have been committed to the process for a sufficiently long enough time that the process now seems to have its own momentum.  I have broken out of the vicious cycle I was in for some time and am now moving forward into a future I believe will be truly awesome!

In the coming days I will be doing some more extensive writing as I address some major issues I have been focusing on in my work with my therapist.  As the new year begins I intend to free myself from some seriously immense baggage and decisively move onwards.  To further support my own process I will be attending a grief group tomorrow morning.  I hope it will provide me some additional needed resources.

I wake up lately and still find it a wondrous and strange feeling to be so present in my body.  With each day that passes my experience of this way of being is becoming more and more familiar and comfortable.

The Disintegration of My Trauma-Induced False Persona

Thursday, December 26, 2013


I met with my therapist today.  So much has unfolded in the last mere eight days that I actually did not even share all the most salient points when I did my check-in at the beginning of the session.  Here is something of a brief recap of the last eight days.

I met with my physical therapist last Thursday, December 19th.  At the end of my session I had a very amazing insight.  It's all the more amazing because I currently have no medical documentation that could substantiate my belief.  Near the end of my session last Thursday I saw a statement blazing in my mind's eye.  It read: 'My mother had post-partum depression'.  To conclude such a thing based on my very old memories from my own infancy seems an incredible conclusion to make.  But when I sit still and listen to my own inner knowing I feel this conclusion is true.  I have been trying to sit with this thought (among others) this past week.

Last Friday was a bit less eventful.  A visit with a local osteopath gave me no additional compelling information to follow regarding care of my left foot.  I have since requested another referral with the assistance of my current physical therapist at HCMC's Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic.

This past weekend I attended a variety of holiday events.  I enjoyed myself and felt generally less anxious.  Then came another unexpected event on Sunday.  A heated argument on the bus I was taking through downtown Minneapolis turned physical.  This took place on the #5 bus; this bus line is somewhat notorious for offering some of the less savory aspects of human behavior.

This incident was a rather perfect trigger to activate fear and anxiety.  As the incident ultimately escalated into a physical fight I could feel fear and anxiety build within me.  I wondered if suddenly someone would brandish a gun and blood would start spilling soon thereafter.  Just as in my childhood when an escalating series of incidents (which culminated with my father's near death) went unacknowledged by those closest to me so did the escalation on this bus this past Sunday go unheeded by the driver until fists were being thrown.  I ultimately did not stick around to see the final outcome; as soon as fists were flying I was escaping out the back door of the bus.


It's clear to me from my past therapy that my capacity to trust others was significantly harmed by the traumas from my earliest years.  But what wasn't clear to me until much more recently (thanks to EMDR therapy) was that the trauma had literally affected my brain function.  I did not suffer a brain 'injury' per se but the memory of these traumas was never successfully addressed in past therapy.  Thus did I find myself in therapy yet again.  I am convinced that the EMDR therapy technique is the primary component of my current life that is helping me to heal in a way I never have previously.  Everything else about my current therapeutic process mirrors past interventions.  In past therapy I took medication and did talk therapy.  I am doing the same now.  But now I am also doing EMDR therapy.  This is the only new variable...except for the fact that I am now older and also at least somewhat wiser!  It is a bit weird to be able to say to my friends and family 'Hey, guess what!  My brain works differently than it ever has before!' These are not exactly words you hear every day.

Humiliation is one of many feelings I have gone through these past six months.  To raze so much of my past life to the ground and start anew at the age of forty is not exactly a fun process.  Indeed, many days it has felt excruciating.  To commit to refashioning my life in such an intensive way was not an easy choice.  But it has been an extremely necessary choice.  And despite the layers of pain I am still going through it has been worth it overall.

As I have continued my therapy as well as faithfully pursued the other many activities in my weekly life I have begun to witness the disintegration of what I call my 'trauma-induced false persona'.  My real personality is beginning to shine through more and more.  The clutter of sadness, anger, grief and confusion that is the predictable residue of untreated trauma is gradually disappearing.  Never in my life have I felt as good as I do now.  I cannot recall a time when my mind was so sharp, my body so relaxed and my disposition so hopeful.

Though I was beginning to improve this past summer it seems the acceleration of my healing process did not really manifest until November.  Doing a soul retrieval process with a local shamanic practitioner seems to have been another foundational experience.  Now, as I begin my seventh month of therapy I can feel this expansive horizon of possibility opening before me.  Anything seems possible in my life now.  And the expansiveness of this horizon of possibility is both exhilarating and confounding.


Yesterday, on Christmas Day, I chose not to call my father.  Though it might seem ironic this was a huge step forward for me.  I will admit the thought did go through my mind more than once to call him.  I still love my father despite everything that has happened in the past.  But I also admit I now wonder if I ever really saw an accurate presentation of who my father fundamentally is.  I wonder how much of what I experienced of him was merely a persona not reflective of his true self.  I might never really answer this meta-question.  And I feel sad when I contemplate such an eventual outcome.  I have come to believe you cannot force people to tell the truth when they are committed to avoiding painful memories at all cost.

I sense that 2014 will be an amazing and productive year for me.  I am excited about new horizons opening to me.  In honor of the coming of a new year of life and possibility I am including below some tips to improve your health:

12 STEPS TO IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH

As 2014 nears I am excited to share some insights I have gained throughout the last six months of my recovery process from PTSD. Consider what follows a healthy laundry list of actions to take to make 2014 your best year ever:

1) Exercise. We human beings are not designed to live without it. If you sit at a desk job 40 hours per week you are at greater risk of health issues. Once I go back to work you can be sure I will not have such a job. Have you ever thought about how it's only in the last two generations or so that so many people began sitting on their butts all day as part of their 'job'?

What you do for exercise doesn't matter so much as that you exercise. If you get bored with what you are doing try something new.

2) Something new. Are you stuck in a rut in which you feel like you are on auto-pilot? Try something new and different. Join a new club, change your daily rhythm, take a trip to a place you have never seen before.

3) Vitamin D. Here in the north it is essential. I cannot even begin to describe the difference in my health between now and last winter. Though I have made many changes I am confident being on a Vitamin D prescription has been one essential key to my improved health.

4) Get your health screened. Do you get an annual physical? When was the last time you had a check-up? If you are feeling 'off' there is probably a good reason to explain it. What that is might be challenging at first to discern. But believe me when I say that six months into my process one of the most important qualities to cultivate is endurance/commitment. American society is fundamentally an impatient culture. But there are no drive-thru's for the quality of life many people crave. If you really want to be happy and have a great life you must learn diligence and patience. "All good things to those who wait"

5) Learn more about your family and historical background. I did this as a student of Naropa Uniervsity. Learning more about my heritage was not only incredibly fun but also personally healing. It's my opinion much of the neurosis/hatefulness/stupidity in American culture comes in part from the trauma many of our families experienced when they first came to America and became Americans. Do you know where your ancestors came from?

6) If you feel deeply off consider the very real possibility that something most serious may be amiss. Do you have trauma in your life history? Does your family have intergenerational trauma? Are there aspects of your family and its members' behavior you simply cannot make sense of? There may be a deeper story to explore. Revisit what I said in #5.

7) Be mindful of your words and thoughts. One of the reasons I did not get suitable treatment until recently was due to the fact that what I had was not labelled in a way that led me to be more proactive. If I had been told in my 20s that I had PTSD I would have been much more proactive about my health as the word 'trauma' sets off a red flag in my mind whereas terms like depression and anxiety, while significant, do not prompt me to respond in the same way.

8) Find a creative outlet. Exercise is one fun way to express your creative energy. I also maintain a blog as another outlet. Is there something you did once upon a time that was great fun but you gave it up for reasons that now seem ridiculous? Consider the possibility that there is wisdom in your earlier life to mine now.

9) No matter what you might think, at least in my opinion, we do not have the right to decide how other people get to feel. True freedom comes when we respect each other's perspectives even if we completely disagree with them. One person's trash is another person's treasure. Foisting your own perspective on some other person or group of people and expecting that to go over well isn't the wisest thing to do. I think one of the strangest phenomena I have ever witnessed in America is the people who belong to groups such as Westboro Baptist Church who actually show up and picket the funerals of people they never met who thus never did anything directly to harm them. It is difficult for me to imagine what kind of mindset leads people to sling hate at people who are complete strangers to them.

10) Sometimes what seems to be the smallest kindness changes lives forever. I gave a woman a piece of lavender in November at Abbott Hospital one day. You would think I had given her the moon. You never know what a word or a gesture may ultimately do for someone. Look up at number 9.

11) Cultivate a spirit of compassion. This is a challenging one at times...it certainly has been so for me. Though we might find it hard to believe...especially when we encounter apathetic people...there are many people who are doing the best that they know how to do.

12) Focus on what is going well in your life. Focusing on the negative and what is lacking will only make that seem larger and larger. Find a way to be grateful for what you already have.

#healthynewme #PTSDrecovery #EMDRisamazing #woof #breathe #exercise#noiamnotmanic #itDOESgetbetter

A Christmas Like No Other Thus Far

Tuesday, December 24, 2013


I was not planning to write today but the words are swirling within me and seem to need out now.

This is going to be a Christmas unlike any other one I have ever enjoyed.  Regardless of how many gifts I receive, how much food I eat and how much time I will ultimately spend with friends I feel most excited by the fact that my health has never been as good as it is now.  It is a very unfamiliar psychic territory I now find myself in.

Today, while visiting the downtown YMCA for the first time, I found myself wondering just what all is possible in my life now.  It feels as if I have left behind a limiting practice of perception...a limited way of thinking and being in the world.  I probably still enjoyed a greater degree of personal freedom and health than many people ever enjoy even before the therapy that I began back in June but now it feels as if I am throttling along at a breakneck pace towards some amazing future I cannot clearly see or comprehend.  This in itself is the most amazing gift I could have given myself for Christmas.

I wish you and yours a beautiful, blessed and warm Christmas.

More Information

Monday, December 23, 2013


Today I enjoyed the fortune of taking yet another proactive step for my health.  For the first time in my life I had a (fairly) comprehensive panel of allergy testing done.  I learned I have some allergies to a variety of tree pollens as well as dust mites.  I didn't have any food allergy testing done but I do want to do this in the near future.  I also learned some other...things today.  I will spare those details for another upcoming posting.

In the short time it took me to travel downtown after lunch I found myself suddenly feeling caught in a spiral of sadness and grief.  As I sat with these feelings I first felt overwhelmed by the suddenness of their supposed appearance.  But then I realized that I simply have not given myself the space and time in my life to more fully explore them.  There is a depth to my sadness and grief that I have only recently begun to really plumb with the assistance of my therapist.  I plan to give more space to these feelings in the new year.  I am also going to give more space to my need to have fun.

I have made a few plans for Christmas day and am allowing space in the day for some spontaneous fun as well.  I feel it's important to allow myself a lot of time and emotional space on Christmas day this year given how much has unfolded in the last twelve months.  I was certainly not expecting to find myself at the place I am at in my life that I am in now as this year comes to a close.

Despite the fact that I am still in the end stages of working through a number of challenges in a very compressed amount of time I feel myself gradually beginning to settle down within my body and mind. I feel very relieved that what I suspect was the most difficult part of my healing process (namely that introductory stage) is now finally mostly behind me.

I will return to writing this coming Thursday, December 26th.

The Climb Upwards

Sunday, December 22, 2013


The Winter Solstice has come and gone.  Now begins the journey back up from the abyss of darkness that culminated yesterday.  Today I completed the move out of my former residence.  I was living there at the time of my diagnosis in June.  It became an overly stressful environment in the last several months.  Indeed, the lack of simple respect I felt went on for months began to wear more and more on me.  Towards the end I could feel my heightened anxiety was undermining my otherwise stellar recovery process.  Thankfully this difficult time is now in the past.

Now the outer world will finally begin mirroring that within me.  As I continue to recover the world outside will gradually become brighter over the course of the next six months.  I am excited by the range of possibilities that may now open to me!  I plan to spend the time between now and January 1st focusing some concentrated attention on what I wish to create in the short, medium and long term future.

I feel my anxiety level is continuing to lessen as time passes and I continue my therapeutic recovery process.  Having the opportunity to play with dogs as part of my new home environment is also a wonderful perk.  I need more play time in my life; I am gradually making improvements in my life and creating the space for more and more fun.

Despite my continued improvement I had an experience today that reminded me that it is essential that I clear out my internal clutter and negative thinking.  While taking the Number 5 bus through Minneapolis today I inadvertently became a witness to a heated altercation that eventually became physically violent.  The heated 'conversation' took place over the course of many blocks as the bus traveled southward.  I had a bad feeling about what was unfolding and intuitively felt it could become violent.  Eventually it did.  And as soon as it did so I immediately disembarked from the bus.  I then called Metro Transit to report the incident; the bus driver did nothing to address the heated words until fists were being thrown.  I found this lack of response ridiculous.  Disruptive and dangerous people should be promptly removed to protect the safety of other passengers.

Naturally you can well imagine this was a triggering type of experience.  My anxiety level shot up and continued to do so until the altercation became physical.  Later, once I found safety outside of the bus, I reflected on the incident.  I quickly realized this event outside of me was a simple reflection of the anger  within me that I am still working through.  There is no more holistic or sensible conclusion to make.  Thus I must attend to what is within me if I want to reduce the risk of finding myself in such potentially harmful scenarios.  The surest way to manifest harm outside your body is to ruminate in harmful thoughts within your own mind.

I have spoken at other times in this blog about the Hawaiian healing art known as Ho'oponopono.  I realize I need to apply this teaching in my life as a means of finding greater peace.  This is one gift I can give myself in this holiday season.

Winter Solstice

Saturday, December 21, 2013


I am so happy to have reached the Winter Solstice in the condition I now find myself in.  My physical health continues to improve; I find it easy and actually fun to awaken to a new day and engage with whatever adventures I will be facing.  I am sure one of many changes that have helped me is my vitamin D prescription; I shudder to think of how low my vitamin D level must have been last winter when I first was living in Minnesota.  When I first had it screened in July of this past summer my level was below the low end of the normal range.

Today I will enjoy the pleasure of many holiday activities including brunch with a good friend, a gathering of like spirited guys for cookie decorating and assorted fun, a cabaret and then a party at the Eagle in downtown Minneapolis.

...

This evening, while watching the cabaret at AGCMCC (All God's Children Metropolitan Community Church) I found myself feeling a roller coaster of emotions as intense as the roller coaster ride I watched in the movie Polar Express earlier today.  I enjoyed the beautiful lights, the great voices, the food and the company.  As I sat and watched the show I could feel myself feeling both inspired and very sad, happy and yet still full of grief, hopeful and yet a bit exhausted.  I am pushing myself very hard these days; I need to continue to be mindful of my limits.

I was aware of my grief when I reflected on how this is my first Christmas in which I feel myself completely back and fully present in my body.  It still doesn't feel all that familiar.  And as we are now firmly within the climax of the holiday season it's easy for me to think back to last year and years prior to that and recall how I was not completely in my body at the time.  It still feels strange to be awakening to the fact that I had an anxiety disorder for so long.

I have come to realize that the personality I was sharing with the world for so long was a trauma-induced false persona.  Yes, I did share a portion of the authentic 'me' with the world at large but it certainly was not the full me.  As I peel off this false mask and manifest my true self it feels both exhilarating and terrifying.  I cannot recall a time when it was so amazing and surreal to be me.

Another Step In My Recovery

Friday, December 20, 2013


I am having my left foot reassessed this morning.  In the summer of 2012 I twisted my ankle three times in a span of about three weeks.  My ankle did not feel as if it had healed until last November or so.  I have since been wondering if the ankle did not heal properly as I continue to have some amount of pain and limitation in the use of my foot.

I have found my process of healing from PTSD to be so challenging in part because there has been so much to actually heal.  This past summer I felt as if I was in a maelstrom much of the time because there was so much swirling around in my heart and mind that I needed to finally address in a healthy way.  My 'life plate' seemed to be overflowing with issues that needed to be addressed.  Thankfully my committed efforts to addressing my challenges have begun to yield excellent returns on my 'investment'.  There is very little left in my physical body that still needs more attention than the basic physical activity I now give it on a daily basis.  I feel confident that the remaining issues will resolve in due time.

The Winter Solstice is now essentially here.  I feel relieved that my own improvement process will now begin to mirror the world outside my windows.  As I continue to heal the days will now begin to grow longer and one day it will again be spring and the world will be filled with green trees, flowers and other new life.

Last night I again had one of those experiences in which I intimately noticed the vividness of the world around me.  Everything appeared so amazingly sharp in my field of vision.  The Christmas lights, the snowbanks, the exhaust coming from idling cars, the buildings in downtown Minneapolis, the traffic lights, the barren trees...they all were so incredibly vivid.  It's so obvious to me now that I had been enduring a decades long anxiety disorder and not even fully aware of it.  Now that I am aware of it, and it has been properly diagnosed, I can truly set my sight on a future full of all the delights I wish to experience.

I went to the gym again this morning and attended my core conditioning class.  Despite some continued problems in my extremities my core has never felt as strong as it does now.  It took months for some of the new, healthy habits I established to begin to work some new magic in my life.  But now it feels completely normal to be as active as I am.  It really is quite amazing what you can accomplish when you set your mind squarely upon a goal.

...

So it appears I need to get some better shoes for myself.  This comes as no surprise actually.  The doctor I visited today gave me some recommendations on how to care for my feet to minimize any future additional distortion in the alignment of my feet.  So there is another project to work on.

My visit with my acupuncturist went well.  I find that I am now able to achieve some very deep states of relaxation.  I know I am also feeling relaxed simply because a very demanding week is finally over.
I am planning to enjoy a variety of festivities this weekend!

Depth Insight

Thursday, December 19, 2013


I had a profound realization this morning when I was in session with my physical therapist.  A declarative statement filled my conscious mind near the end of the session.  And the statement was: 'My mother had post-partum depression.'  I can't prove this is true by pointing to a diagnosis contained in my mother's medical record.  I cannot necessarily ask a member of my father's family who knew my mother in the time immediately after my birth and confirm this feeling I have is based in truth.  Nevertheless, the cells of my body proclaim this is the truth.  I feel in the fibers of my being that my mother experienced depression after my birth.  What exactly the causative factors are is not something I can easily articulate now.  But again, I know this is true.  I feel it in the very bones of my body.

After this thought first entered my conscious awareness I found myself feeling an extraordinary amount of sadness.  The music playing in my physical therapist's office only enhanced my ability to sit within my sadness and truly feel it.  I found myself crying as I became aware, consciously, of just how painful it was to be around my mother during the first years of my life.  It's no wonder I was diagnosed with PTSD...to be around your birthmother and witness her descent into schizophrenia as a very, very small child is a sad thing to witness.  It is indeed very sad.  It seems I am finally accessing the well of sadness I carried within myself.  I plunged into that well back in May when I saw my mother in person.  It's my sense that our DNA recognizes its own relations.  When I saw my mother in May and touched her it awoke me to the pain I was still carrying inside me.

My fellowship with the American Council on Germany is finally complete.  With this project removed from my 'life plate' I can now focus on my personal healing process more directly.  I feel such a sense of relief to have this commitment finally complete.  It was difficult for me to rouse my enthusiasm for the research related to my project not because I didn't think the topic was important (I did) but because I felt so consumed by the unexpected project of once again entering into therapy to address yet again the impact of my early life on my personal development.

At some point between my sitting up on the table in my physical therapist's office and my arrival at Abbott Northwestern Hospital later this morning I also found myself thinking of this beautiful picture of me that was taken when I was a small boy.  In the picture I am smiling and wearing some leather apparel.  I had this thought appear in my mind this morning that even on the day that picture was taken I was feeling sadness within myself that I didn't feel safe to express.  And realizing this was the truth of my experience I again felt sad today, in this present moment.  I felt grief and sadness as I thought of the pain I endured in some of the earliest years of life.  It was so incredibly painful.  It is no wonder I became quite a master of dissociation...and then became unconscious of my art of dissociation.

I still feel disoriented much of the time these days.  The insight I am gaining in therapy is so profound and so transformative that there is simply no way I can ever be the person I was before I entered therapy yet again.  And most days, at some point in the day, I find myself briefly wondering when I will feel 'normal' again.  I wonder where this process is ultimately leading me.  I wonder what type of man I am going to become.  What is the 'authentic' me who is now emergent?

My physical therapist used the term 'emotionally starved' to describe people who as children or even babies do not receive sufficient nurturing.  I do not wish to use this phrase to describe me but I realize it is the truth of my felt experience.  I did feel emotionally starved.  It's such a painful realization to have.

I titled this entry 'Depth Insight'.  Here is another reason for my choice of words.  I have noticed something else lately as I continue therapy and as I continue to occasionally use EMDR in my treatment.  The world looks three-dimensional.  Obviously the world is three-dimensional but somehow it now appears more three dimensional than it ever has.  The world has texture.  The world has depth.  It seems that my actual vision has literally changed.  I noticed this, yet again, one night recently.  As I walked home amidst snowbanks and weak lighting I caught myself noticing the play of light and darkness out of the corner of my eyes.  Yes, it seems that somehow my peripheral vision has changed or improved.  This is a striking development.  It is yet another development I am still growing accustomed to.

I have a feeling 2014 is going to be my most interesting and enjoyable year yet!

Take the Deepest Breath You Have Taken All Day

Wednesday, December 18, 2013


I am celebrating today because I finally completed a project I was first awarded the opportunity to pursue some nineteen months ago.  In the spring of 2012, shortly after arriving in Washington, D.C., I wrote a proposal to the American Council on Germany for a McCloy Fellowship.  I recall feeling fairly pressed for time as I composed it.  When I submitted it I felt I had submitted a good proposal but nothing exceptionally amazing.  I was thus quite surprised when in May, 2012 I was informed not only that I had been awarded a fellowship but that my proposal was apparently the best among those submitted by American citizens.

I ultimately made my research trip to Germany in May of this year.  I arrived back in the United States on June 1st.  And then everything from my old life promptly began to fall apart.  Within a mere span of approximately three weeks I endured an incredible amount of stress and then found myself in a therapist's office hearing a diagnosis of PTSD being attributed to me.  By July 1st I felt as if I was living  in a rubble strewn wasteland.  My need to focus on restoring my own personal health took priority.  I asked for an extension of time to complete my project and was pleased to receive such flexibility.

Nearly six months later I am finally done.  The report I was required to submit was not especially lengthy.  Ultimately the actual content was approximately twenty pages...much more than the minimum of eight required by the parameters of the fellowship.  I found the subject of my research fellowship quite fascinating when I first wrote the proposal.  And I still find it of interest now.  But I would be lying if I claimed I am still the same person I was back in June.  Sometimes events cause you to radically rethink the life you want to create.  This has been my experience this year.  I want to move in a new direction.  And now that I have completed this project and removed it from my "To Do" list I can focus my attention more thoroughly on other issues.

After completing my project this morning and submitting it to the American Council on Germany office in New York I felt a bit dazed.  There were moments when I found myself adrift in memories from the nineteen month span of time between the announcement of my fellowship award and my completion of it.  An incredible amount of 'stuff' has happened in my life in these past nineteen months.  Thankfully I am not beginning to emerge on the other side.  I do not recognize the person I have become.

One of my favorite instructors whose teaching skill I have enjoyed at the Blaisdell YMCA has a saying she uses in your yoga class: 'Take the deepest breath you have taken all day.'  I heard the sound of her voice in my own thoughts today as I thought of ways to relax and celebrate the completion of my project.  It's amazing how well I have done considering the incredible amount of stress I have endured these last few years.  That I have recovered as much as I have is a true testament to the power of healing and intention when a person commits wholeheartedly to the healing process.  When I began working with my therapist approximately six months ago I did not expect I would feel this good so soon.  I sense that my capacity for optimism is beginning to grow markedly now.  I feel so relieved.

My anxiety level is also falling because I am now enjoying a much more comfortable home environment.  I am enjoying the company of two dogs, a cat and a female roommate who I find easy to get along with.  This is such a pleasant change from my circumstances with my past landlord.

Tonight, after leaving my therapist's office, I intend to go home and simply relax.  I have earned a break considering how hard I have been pushing myself these last six months.

A Symphony of Muscle

Monday, December 16, 2013

What are the possibilities of a single human life?  I have been asking myself that question lately as I continue to feel better and better.  Indeed, I feel myself now reaching a certain quality of overall health that feels quite unfamiliar to me.  I assume my commitment to a combination of many habits is now propelling me forward into a quality of life that I have never truly known.  So much of the world outside my skin now feels magical and amazing.  It feels as if I am rediscovering a childlike wonder that, well, typically remains the nearly exclusive territory of children.

Yesterday, as I noted in my posting, I felt the muscular system of my body perform in a way that felt quite unfamiliar.  It felt as if my many muscles worked together in an amazingly harmonious way that resembles what happens when all instrument sections of a symphony work so seamlessly together that the result is amazing music.  I take such joy in all physical activity now.  This is also not exactly a familiar feeling.

I found myself enjoying plenty of physical activity today.  After attending my core conditioning class at the Blaisdell YMCA I then did some physical therapy exercise to continue building up my left shoulder.  I also did some squats and other hip exercises.  And then I did four laps in the pool.  Later I walked through downtown to send off Christmas cards to my relatives in Germany.  And finally, upon arriving home, I shoveled the front walkway.  I cannot remember many days in which I have performed so much exercise!

A friend commented this past Saturday that I seemed a bit manic when I visited with him.  That comment has remained in my thoughts simply because I take it as an indication of how rapidly I am progressing in my healing process.  All the changes I made are now providing me with hefty positive returns!

Plunging Into the Deepest of the Unknown

Sunday, December 15, 2013


Something so profound is unfolding in my own life now. I suppose you could call it "the grand awakening". The work I began some six months ago to "improve" my life is starting to pay such handsome returns that I truly wonder what is possible for me and my life now. I am starting to reach a level of health I do not believe I have ever actually enjoyed in my entire life. And that is quite surprising.

I think, among other things, I can thank EMDR therapy for the transformative revolution in my life. Despite the fact that I am an articulate person words often fail me to describe what I am experiencing now. I feel as if I am in my body in a way I never have been before.

Some friends and others have advised me to not be so open on Facebook about what I am experiencing. And caution certainly is a wise principle to follow. And yet because I have decided to call myself a 'PTSD Recovery Advocate" among other titles I feel a certain 'calling' to be open about my personal revolution. Millions of Americans deal with PTSD (knowingly and unknowingly) each and every day. We as a nation and as a planetary community can be so much bigger and healthier than we already are if we will but commit ourselves to moving beyond our egos and recognizing that which unites us more than that which divides us.


Yesterday, while I was attending a healing ceremony at the Basilica of St. Mary, I had this insight into a manner of interpreting a certain prayer you will typically hear in your standard mass. At one point, around the time of the communion service, an officiant will usually say: "Look not upon our sins but upon the faith of your Church." When I heard those words yesterday it seemed as if a light of understanding sparked in my very brain. Put another way the words could be translated as "Focus on that which is positive rather than that which is negative." Put yet another way you could say "Be grateful for what you have and what does work in your life rather than what is not in your life that you would prefer to be there."


Today, during my afternoon yoga class, it felt as if all the muscles in my body were working in a harmonious way that I have not previously felt. I'm still doing some physical therapy to address issues with my neck but somehow I feel myself becoming a person I cannot quite recognize. I find myself moving through feelings of both exhilaration and terror as the days pass and my personal evolution continues.


I hope that one day the blog I regularly write in which I document my journey of restoring my health will prove of some use to the field of medicine, specifically the research focused on ways to heal from PTSD.

A Full Day

Saturday, December 14, 2013


Today was a day full of some very uplifting and very irritating moments.

I went to breakfast with a friend today.  I just met this fellow a week ago at my local MCC congregation.  I had an enjoyable conversation as we ate.  I suppose you could say that we swapped war stories.  Our relationships with our fathers have been rocky.  We have other challenges in common as well.  Yet we have survived these difficulties and are working diligently to move in a better direction in our lives.  It has been wonderful to make a new friend.  You can never have too many friends.

Later in the morning I went to the Basilica of St. Mary to attend a service that provided anointing for those who are sick.  Despite the fact that I have not been a practicing Catholic in many years (and I also do not have any intention of returning to the Church despite the wondrous qualities being attributed to the new Pope) I thought it might benefit me to attend the service.

After the service I spoke briefly with the priest who presided over the service.  I very concisely spoke of some of my earlier life trauma including the painful ending of my father's second marriage.  I shared these details because there is an element to my personal life history and father's family that has long troubled me.  Because I was raised Catholic and because my father and his siblings also grew up in the Catholic Church I had long been confused by my family's response to my father's near death and the immediate aftermath.  It has long been my opinion that people who truly follow the teachings of Jesus Christ would openly express their concern, be proactive and also be solicitous of the welfare of any children directly affected if one of their own siblings were to nearly die in horrible circumstances such as what my father and I experienced.  And yet to my knowledge that did not occur.  And I felt this apparent failure was very unethical.

I have to admit I was quite surprised by how the priest responded to what I disclosed.  He acknowledged that both American society and the Church have not done the best they could to address the variety of ills that can plague individuals, their families, their communities and the nation at large.  Whether the burden is one of alcoholism, drug abuse, domestic violence, mental illness, gambling, child abuse or any number of other possibilities it's quite clear to me that this nation was a very different place decades ago.  I do feel that we as a collective of some three hundred million people constitute a healthier citizenry than we did thirty, forty and fifty years ago.  But there is still a long way to go.

Yet I must acknowledge I was pleasantly surprised by the response I received today.  I felt the priest was more compassionate, open and kind than many other religious people I have met throughout my life.  I departed the Basilica with a feeling of inspiration and hope after feeling a member of the clergy really honored the pain in my heart that I revealed to him today.

Later in the day I developed something of a headache.  The discomfort is still with me now.  As I made my way home in the cold and darkness I found myself struggling not to ruminate on more recent painful experiences I had within a local chorus (which I have alluded to in recent posts).  So much of the pain I have felt in my life derives from the incredible injustice I have experienced due to the failure of a variety of institutions including my own family, law enforcement and organized religion.  This local arts organization is just the latest example.  I am willing to forgive people for transgressions that they may commit against me.  But that doesn't mean that individuals who act without integrity or compassion should not be held accountable when their conduct proves disrespectful or even abusive.

As I go to sleep tonight I am going to focus on breathing and reflecting on the good within my life.

Clearing

Friday, December 13, 2013


I have made excellent progress on my research project which I put on hold this past summer after my unexpected diagnosis.  I expect I will indeed have it complete in time for submission next week.  I am so incredibly relieved to finally be clearing this project off my proverbial plate.  There have been moments in the last five months when it occasionally felt like something of a millstone around my neck. I really enjoyed the opportunity to go to Germany in May and hope to return again in the future for a longer period of time.  I just was not planning for all that followed upon my return to the States on June 1st.  What surprises there were awaiting me!

Today has been an overcast and very chilly day.  It has been ideal for staying inside and working on my research project report.  And yet despite the gloom and killing cold I still feel quite good.  In a few days I will begin attending a different YMCA location (the one in downtown Minneapolis).  I am going to miss some of the instructors at the Blaisdell YMCA.  In a mere four months I developed a really solid routine and found myself able to quickly recover from the physical health issues that were plaguing me.

I had an amazing time last night when I attended a service, dinner and Employment Ministry event at the Basilica of St. Mary.  I was first referred there after going to a reemployment session I was required to attend at the South Minneapolis Workforce Center.  I was absolutely stunned when I entered the Basilica itself and was able to enjoy the beauty of its interior.  Though I long ago left behind being at all active in the Catholic Church (or even believing in its core teachings) I still find it easy to appreciate the beauty of architecture and thoughtful design that can be found in many churches.  At one point I found myself looking around in awe and again aware of being fully present in my body.  A huge advent wreath hung suspended from the basilica ceiling.  I tried to imagine how one could actually light the candles sitting atop the wreath.

I made some good contacts at the event and feel even more optimistic that I will soon be well on my way to a new career.  As my physical and mental health have improved I have rediscovered my personal vitality and belief in my my ability to make my life eventually reflect my greatest dreams I hold in my heart.

High Energy

Thursday, December 12, 2013


There is a winter wonderland outside all the windows here in Minnesota.  The time of nature's annual hibernation has come.  And yet inside in the warmth I feel as energetic as I have in a very long time.  It still feels very surreal to be me.  As I noted yesterday it is a strange polarity I have been living these last several months.  As the days have grown short and cold I have grown stronger and happier.  It will be a true delight once my own recovery process begins to match the reawakening of the outer world when spring arrives next year.  As for now winter has arrived and I am doing my best to cope with this strange polarity.

I had another cranial-sacral therapy session this morning at HCMC's Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic.  I really enjoy the work my therapist does; she seems to have a depth of knowledge and life experience you don't necessarily always find in a physical therapist.  As a result of this work and the many other improvements in my life I continue to feel better and better each day.  I am even beginning to feel a certain significant amount of optimism about the prospects I have for my future.  When I visited with my neuropsychologist on Tuesday he said "the sky's the limit" in regard to the potential of my future.  That is one of the best Christmas gifts I could receive!

In the next week I need to complete my research project that gave me occasion to visit Germany this past May.  I've procrastinated on it quite a bit these last several months because I was so busy focusing on my healing process.  Now it is finally time to get it done and take it off of my 'life plate'.  Thankfully I also have a career coach who can light a proverbial fire under my back side and give me a means of holding myself accountable for my progress over the coming week.  I will feel so relieved when I complete this project; it will be one less item on my overflowing plate of items to attend to.  It was only very recently that I finally began to not feel overwhelmed more days than not.

I often now feel as if my brain is functioning in a way it never has before.  I have always been an intelligent, sensitive and intuitive person but now I feel there is a sharpness about me that I have lacked throughout my life.  The world around me feels so vivid and so real that I still feel a certain amount of disorientation on a daily basis.  Thankfully I am letting go of making such surrealism something 'wrong' in my own thinking.  My journey is what it is and I sense my recovery will continue to accelerate as I confront the trauma of my past in the most holistic way possible.

Enjoy your day and focus on the beauty in your life!

A Strange Polarity

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


I sometimes find it very strange how my own personal recovery process is mirroring the exact opposite of what is happening in the outer world.

In June, during the time of most intense and longest daylight, I was beset by illness and then unexpectedly was diagnosed with PTSD.  I can recall now how I felt as if I was living in a bit of a fog; my concentration was not the best and I felt very sad.  And of course I was dissociating without even realizing it.  And so began my journey to true and lasting recovery.

As summer matured and then began its inevitable fade into autumn I began to finally feel better.  By late August I could honestly state I no longer felt depressed.  But I was still doing a lot of physical therapy and maintaining a consistent routine of exercise.  The results I began to enjoy did not suddenly burst into my conscious awareness one day.  The results I was seeking required me to be diligent and patient.  I realized this was a long term investment I was engaging myself in.

As the leaves changed colors and the first chill winds of autumn began blowing I could finally feel myself coming out of a period of pain and stress that had gone on for far too long.  I began recognizing that I had engaged in an unconscious dissociation throughout much of my life as a way of coping with the pain I so often could not really cope with.

The Winter Solstice is now only ten days away.  My personal reality now no more clearly mirrors the world outside as it did back in June.  The realities are now reversed.  Everything outside has now essentially gone to sleep and will remain in hibernation for months to come.  And yet now I find myself able to wake up so easily.  I find myself actually savoring each day as it begins despite the fact that it has already been below 0F on five mornings so far.  This winter may prove to be a very grueling one and yet I feel very confident I will traverse it with a grace that eluded me last winter.  I am finally learning the art of deep self-care.  The rewards for such knowledge are not to be underestimated.

Freedom from the Past

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

What a restorative day I have lived thus far!  I went to my first cranial sacral therapy appointment this morning at Hennepin County Medical Center’s Parkside Alternative Medicine Clinic.  It was about 0 F this morning as I made my way to my appointment and yet somehow the cold and darkness did not really phase me.  I sense this alone is a significant indicator that I am improving each and every day.

I felt much more relaxed when my appointment ended.  I look forward to returning on Thursday of this week.

I later attended a weekly breath of love class offered at Pathways.  As I lay on the floor and consciously focused on breathing I could feel myself touching into my awareness that I am healing from a longstanding anxiety disorder.  It still feels so amazing and weird to be back in my body and fully present in the moment.  As I allowed myself to focus my attention on my realization that I had been walking around with an anxiety disorder for so long I could also feel all these other feelings related to that awareness.  I could feel the sadness and pain I have felt as I have awoken to this reality.  I could feel the deep grief of realizing I have been walking around with a deep buffer of body armor and not even fully aware of it.  Being so anxious for so long took such an immense toll on my psyche.  But I am finally aware of it and now healing in a much deeper way.

During the class at Pathways the topic of Ho’oponopono came up.  It seems it is finding me wherever I go.  I could not help but recall the very first days after I read a book about this amazing Hawaiian healing art.  I read the book earlier this year but it somehow feels like many, many years ago that I read it.  I found myself drifting back to memories of how I came to firmly believe in the legitimacy of this amazing gift to the world.  I might have to ‘study up’ on this art once again.

I just stepped out of my follow up appointment at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  The results of the battery of tests I took last week were great.  There was nothing of any concern outside of the score for the MMPI questionnaire section focused on family of origin.  And this was not surprising considering that my family of origin and the traumas I experienced while growing up are essentially (apparently) the sole cause of the difficulties with anxiety and anger I have experienced throughout my life.

Having completed checking my head for potential brain injury I now feel much more free to move forward.  I have screened all the major systems of my body in the last five months.  I thus am only left to work with my psychotherapist regarding my family of origin issues.  I feel so much better!

Being Alive

Monday, December 9, 2013


The other night I was standing outside waiting for the bus and found myself marveling at my life.  I looked up into the cloudy, frigid sky and gazed with wonder at the thousands upon thousands of small ice crystals falling upon the snow covered earth.  I kept imagining some mirror the size of a small planet had shattered in the heavens above; the ice crystals looked like myriad fragments of the mirror as they fluttered down to meet the earth below my feet.

It still feels weird to be fully in my body.  I wonder when this feeling will end.  I shared that question (among many) with my therapist today.  And it's quite obvious my health is steadily improving; my therapist agreed with my self-assessment.  Another experience this morning reminded me of how unusual it feels to be me right now.  While walking downtown I found myself unwisely exposing my hands to the cold despite the fact I had mittens.  I eventually managed to slip them on but not before feeling my right hand grow so cold that I wondered if I could somehow suffer frostbite in under a minute.  Thankfully my hand warmed up and now it feels fine.  I found myself wondering just how much of the pain I felt in my hand was due to the cold and how much it was a result of really being in my body.  It felt a bit...weird.  Am I being an overanalyzing Virgo and talking too much about sensation in my body?  Perhaps.

My therapist also provided me some good input regarding my question about what I can wisely be open to these days in regards to relationships.  He basically recommended me to continue to make my own recovery process my primary focus in my life.  I shouldn't allow anyone or anything to derail the process by being unclear or weak with my boundaries.  I certainly agree with his thoughts.  I continue to become stronger, clearer and happier each day.  I need to continue to make that my focus.

...

Dusk has fallen now.  It's shortly after 5 p.m.  I am doing my best to relax.  I have been fighting off what seems to be a cold for several days.  I keep telling myself I am not going to get physically sick but perhaps I technically already am.  I feel it best to spend the evening relaxing as I spent much of the day picking up my belongings.

Among other feelings I feel very happy that I am making good progress towards my goal of personal wholeness.  I have an important appointment tomorrow morning in which I will learn the results of the psychological testing I completed last Tuesday at Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I expect it will be a good appointment with a positive outcome.

Being a Gym Bunny...As A Way of Being Back In The Present

Saturday, December 7, 2013


It feels so surreal to be me these days.  I did a shamanic soul retrieval session with a local practitioner two weeks ago as of today.  Ever since that day I have felt profoundly different...and profoundly better.  Despite my articulate nature I find that words are quite often failing me.  I simply cannot easily describe what I am experiencing.  It is unlike anything I have ever felt before in my life.  And this is certainly saying something considering I am forty years old and have traveled the world to places as far distant as Hawaii and Norway.

I've come to the realization that I was experiencing what I have come to describe as a decades long partial out of body experience.  And I realize that this experience began very early in my life when I experienced the trauma of witnessing my mother begin to descend into the darkness of schizophrenia.  After going through the soul retrieval process the practitioner informed me that she had collected soul pieces from different moments of my life history including when I was one, three, five and eight years old.  Ever since hearing this I have had numerous questions floating through my mind.  One prominent question has been this: What is it like to be back fully in my body when a piece of me split off at such an incredibly young age?  I do not know anyone else who has had this experience.  And so I often feel a bit confused as to what will unfold in the immediate future as I continue to integrate these amazing experiences and more clearly manifest the true essence of who I am.

One practice that is proving immensely helpful to me is my regular exercise routine.  I have been joking with friends that I have become such a regular that I now qualify to be called a gym bunny.  I have been active throughout my life history but, after what I have gone through this year, I have made a resolution to always be active in my life from this moment forward.  I feel amazingly good considering all the stress I have been dealing with lately.  Indeed, I am often astounded by how well I am doing considering the litany of issues that I have had on my plate.  And I do not use the word litany lightly!
I seem to have rediscovered the childlike wonder that, well, children have with their bodies.  I am amazed by what I can do and by how much pleasure I am taking from doing the simplest of activities...like merely walking outside.  And strange as it may sound I even find myself taking immense pleasure in walking outside even though the temperature is currently struggling to reach 0 F.

I sense that my rigorous devotion to exercise is simply reinforcing my newfound ability to be completely present in the present moment.  Focusing on physical activity requires me to apply my mind to something other than the contents of my own memory.  In doing exercise with such rigor and consistency it feels as if I am synthesizing myself into something very new...and very unknown.

There are moments when I feel my anxiety level surge as I find myself caught up in thoughts rolling through my mind about what is ultimately happening to me.  I had such a moment yesterday.  I suddenly felt nearly panicked if I did not start moving my body at some point in the day.  At first I wondered if I was indeed having a panic attack.  After just focusing on consciously breathing for a few moments I realized I was actually just feeling that feeling of confusion now that I am back here in the present moment.  It is still quite unfamiliar for me to feel as I am feeling now.

Here is another example of the...surrealism.  We recently had our first true snow of the season here in Minnesota.  It's a little amazing how loud the sound of snow crunching under my boots seems.  I have always had good hearing but what I experience now seems to be a step above what I have been previously accustomed to.  It feels as if I am experiencing 'surround sound' quality sound.  And the colors I see in the world seem so incredibly vivid.

Being Back In the Present

Friday, December 6, 2013


So last night I had my important meeting to address issues I had experienced with a local organization these past six months.  One of my goals in the meeting was to 'set the record straight' by providing more details about what I had experienced these past six months in regards to my health as well as some of the causative factors that had led to the development of my health difficulties.  I finally felt as if I were heard in a very real way; I felt that my own suffering was acknowledged.  Now will come the challenging work of hopefully rectifying the matter such that it is resolved for all concerned.

It's been such a challenging period these last several months.  I sense the end of the most difficult period has now finally come and gone.  Despite all the stress I have endured my health is continuing to improve day by day.  Yet it's clear I need to take life at a manageable pace.  I have been fighting off something like a garden variety cold these last two days.  Listening to the wisdom of my body is always wise...and especially so in winter when ignoring it here in Minnesota can result in frostbite or worse.  It's -3 F outside now.

Being in my body is still such a novel experience.  My primary challenge last night was to remain in my body and not dissociate during a time of immense stress and anxiety.  I could feel myself feeling tempted to float off and away while in the meeting last night.  Yet I remained as present as I possibly could and feel the results were the best that could be expected.  I didn't even experience any moments in which I wept uncontrollably or shook with fear.  I wasn't necessarily expecting this would happen but I simply did not know.  It was simply another experience of not knowing and finding myself faced with the challenge of allowing myself to live and breathe in uncertainty.

It usually happens at least once a day that I find myself wondering when it will no longer feel so unusual to be fully present in my body.  I sometimes find myself getting into a whirl of thoughts and wonderment.  I find myself wanting to know now when my recovery will be complete.  And then I find myself pondering what that would exactly mean.  What would complete recovery look like?  How would it feel?  What would my life look like?  Will being completely in my body feel completely natural again?  These are the questions (among others) that I live with each and every day.

Another "win" from yesterday was my conversation with a local registered nurse about my interest in PTSD recovery and how taking people on outdoor adventure tours might help facilitate people's recovery from health issues such as PTSD.  I scheduled a follow up in-person conversation with him later this month.  Slowly but surely I am moving forward with my new career inquiry.

As I have noted in recent posts I hope to make this blog site more of a forum in coming weeks and months.  If you are in recovery from PTSD or know people who are I welcome you to share your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams and inspirations.

An Important Day

Thursday, December 5, 2013


Today is an important day.  I will finally have the opportunity to address a matter that has been causing me some unfortunate stress and thereby hindering my recovery process.  Today I will be meeting with the Executive Committee of a local arts organization to address an ongoing problem of harassment I began experiencing this past summer.  The issue began after I publicly expressed my reservations about another member who was competing for a role within the administration back in June.

Anger has been one of my primary challenges in my life.  It's no wonder I have carried an undue load of anger around with me considering my life history.  It is my intention to find healthy ways to address the root causes of my anger (which almost exclusively derive from my earliest years) so that I can fully heal.

Later this morning I will be going to an appointment for cranial-sacral therapy.  I was recommended to consider trying this type of treatment when I went to visit my massage therapist recently.  My intuition tells me this may prove to be a very good alternative therapy for me to use.

...

My initial assessment with the physical therapist at HCMC went well.  I am scheduled for two appointments per week for the next three weeks.  I even will need to be up early the morning after Christmas for the sixth of the six appointments I scheduled.  I really enjoyed the 'bedside manner' of the physical therapist I was referred to.  It's going to be exciting to see how my PTSD healing process progresses as I now add in this additional complement of care.

Yet despite my excitement I am also aware of that deep sadness and grief I have carried around for so long.  I was planning to go meet with a friend and discuss with her the possibility of being short-term housemates this afternoon.  Then I decided to intimately check in with my body and I felt the strong feeling to slow down for today and not go if I do not have to.  I need to pace myself and make changes in a manageable and realistic manner.  If there is no real need to push myself too hard then why should I?  I will admit I also simply do not feel like being out in the 5F weather; tonight it will be dropping down below 0F.  (The lakes around the area will at least be flash freezing so we can soon start ice skating!)

...

My meeting went fairly well.  I will write about it more in Friday's post.

Now Featuring: Winter

Wednesday, December 4, 2013


I expect today to be a full and productive day.  And I am already awake before 6 am so how could it not be?  I peaked outside a little earlier and confirmed for myself that winter has arrived for a long stay. It's snowing over about a dozen states in the middle of the country right now; in a few days the air temperature here may reach -20F.  The world outside certainly appears ready to welcome Christmas.

Though I feel so much better than I did in June of this year I sense the next several months will nonetheless test my resolve.  Winters in Minnesota, even in the age of human induced climate change, are nothing to joke about.  Dress too scantily and you might just suffer frostbite in the, well, biting cold wind.  I intend to remain committed to my exercise regimen and broader suite of recovery oriented practices throughout the heart of winter.  This might not prove easy to do but I am determined to nonetheless.  This morning, for instance, I intend to go to my core conditioning class at the YMCA.  Thereafter I will do some swimming and probably sit in the sauna and dream of warmth.  Later comes my support group at Abbott Hospital and then my men's group this evening.  And I am planning to do all of this as it continues to snow.

The difference between my health this winter and last winter is truly noteworthy.  I am so very grateful to be in treatment and enjoying the benefits of great health insurance.  I have a vitamin D prescription to ensure I do not develop a case of the winter blues.  Between that, the anti-depressant medication, the light therapy, the psychotherapy and the writing I am confident I will emerge from this winter a much different person as compared to last spring.

When I began this blog I intended it to be a forum for those interested in finding ways to accentuate their own healing journeys.  Winter in the north can prove an especially challenging time.  And so I ask you, my readers, to share with me your own strategies for surviving and even thriving in this season of darkness and hibernation.  What do you enjoy doing and what are the ways you cope with this most physically taxing of seasons?

One hobby I am looking to take up is ice skating.  I enjoyed ice skating as a kid.  Of course growing up in Texas I had to do it in the mall because it rarely is below freezing long enough for the outside lakes to freeze.  I have heard there are some great locations around the Twin Cities to enjoy this winter activity.  Any other suggestions? :) 

An Unexpected Christmas Gift

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


Today I unexpectedly received the Christmas gift I have been most wanting to receive.  I received a call early this morning asking if I was interested in seeing a neuropsychologist I had originally scheduled an appointment with for next March.  Due to a cancellation there suddenly appeared an opportunity to make my appointment today!  I was so thrilled by the chance to get seen promptly that it infused my entire day with a feeling of enthusiasm and exuberance.  Naturally I said yes and made my way over to Abbott Northwestern Hospital.  I feel as if I have lived on the campus of that hospital system these last five months.

As I have noted in past posts I can imagine some people might think me to be a typical neurotic Virgo given how many different appointments I have made these last five months.  But I feel so much better now because I have been such a warrior about my health.  Today represented one of the last significant appointments I felt I needed to make before I could start to breathe a sigh of relief.

After speaking with me and reviewing my medical record my doctor stated his initial impression was that none of the incidents in which I hit my head seem likely to have caused a concussion and that even if they did so it did not appear there was such harm that it would have caused some significant or permanent damage to my brain function.  To finally receive such a medical opinion was so encouraging; it had the equivalent effect of a week long vacation in Hawaii.  I feel such gratitude for the confluence of circumstances that allowed me to be seen today.

This afternoon I underwent a battery of short tests to assess my motor function, reasoning skills and the like.  I have a follow up appointment scheduled for next Tuesday in which I will be able to review the test results with my neuropsychologist.  Assuming there is nothing remarkable in my test results I believe I will then be able to safely say that I have screened every relevant system within my body whose healthy function, or lack thereof, could impact my recovery from PTSD.

As I made my way home under a darkening sky on one of the last nights without a substantial snow cover I was so happy to be able to look back on the last five months of my life and see what immense progress I have made.  I am by no means very close to done with my treatment for PTSD.  Indeed, I am now really getting into the thick of the densest and darkest of my feelings and memories.  But at least I have found my way that deep into my psyche and have found a competent and compassionate therapist to work with.  I am making my way on my journey and am confident the endpoint of my healing process will appear in some future moment and that I will be able to recognize it as such.