Monday, March 30, 2015
My commitment to undergoing an intensive process of creating a new life for myself has finally brought me to an important watershed moment. I am essentially done mourning all the hurts, terror, anxiety, cruelty, stupidity and corruption I was afflicted by as a kid. It's been quite a process just to reach this singular and critical moment.
Now comes the 'real' work...
Yes, I had that thought go through my mind. And I had a moment where I felt as if I almost wilted. Wait, you mean I just finished the easy work? Now that my trauma resolution work is behind me I can begin to bring my full attention to my present and future life. It's quite a lovely thing to no longer feel haunted and undermined by your early life history. Now I feel merely sad. The sadness I feel has been with me a very long time. I know part of what fed my sadness (such that it eventually came to feel like this massive hulking monster) was my experience of what I mentioned above. I witnessed so much horror, violence, dysfunction and negligent behavior that it became almost natural for me to become cynical about my prospects in the world and the decency of other people. I felt that wounded.
Something happened this past weekend that I was not expecting. A man I first interacted with online a few years ago reappeared in my life. I felt very excited by this. And I also felt some fear and anxiety. I could see an all too familiar storyline start to unfold in my own mind. The familiar dark expectation of being disappointed appeared as large as my 'monstrous' sadness.
I haven't exactly had the greatest of luck in my relationships with men. This is not unusual. But I want to break the pattern that has haunted me for so long. I want to move in a new direction that will bring me joy and contentment.
As a way of moving decisively in a new direction I have elected to participate in a training in April called the New Warrior Training Adventure.
I will write more about this upcoming training in a future posting.
......
I feel very aware of my sadness tonight. I recognize that I feel sad due in part to my belief (which I think is well founded) that the larger, deeper, entrenched issues of my life will not necessarily resolve as quickly as I would like them to. They are improving. But quick results are not something I can realistically expect. Sometimes this is just what happens. It isn't fair. It isn't easy. It isn't something that feels just. Indeed, some people are able to overcome the obstacles of their own lives because they have more resources at their disposal than others will ever be able to enjoy.
It might prove really difficult to address those really deep, long enduring aspects of our lives that can positively haunt our waking lives as well as our nights even if we do have great resources at our disposal. And it might even seem to be difficult, with good resources in place, to manifest the biggest dreams we have for ourselves. Creating the life we dream of one day living can take on the quality of pursuing a mythic quest.
I have been on a journey into the deepest, most immense darkness I have ever voyaged into these last twenty-one months. It is a darkness borne of my own lack of clarity and confusion as to what is ultimately possible in my future life. And yet clarity is gradually coming. My slog through what many times felt like an interminable quagmire is now finally fully behind me.
The future is waiting for me to reach out and embrace it. All these future sunrises do not yet know who I will be.
So who will I choose to be?
My commitment to undergoing an intensive process of creating a new life for myself has finally brought me to an important watershed moment. I am essentially done mourning all the hurts, terror, anxiety, cruelty, stupidity and corruption I was afflicted by as a kid. It's been quite a process just to reach this singular and critical moment.
Now comes the 'real' work...
Yes, I had that thought go through my mind. And I had a moment where I felt as if I almost wilted. Wait, you mean I just finished the easy work? Now that my trauma resolution work is behind me I can begin to bring my full attention to my present and future life. It's quite a lovely thing to no longer feel haunted and undermined by your early life history. Now I feel merely sad. The sadness I feel has been with me a very long time. I know part of what fed my sadness (such that it eventually came to feel like this massive hulking monster) was my experience of what I mentioned above. I witnessed so much horror, violence, dysfunction and negligent behavior that it became almost natural for me to become cynical about my prospects in the world and the decency of other people. I felt that wounded.
Something happened this past weekend that I was not expecting. A man I first interacted with online a few years ago reappeared in my life. I felt very excited by this. And I also felt some fear and anxiety. I could see an all too familiar storyline start to unfold in my own mind. The familiar dark expectation of being disappointed appeared as large as my 'monstrous' sadness.
I haven't exactly had the greatest of luck in my relationships with men. This is not unusual. But I want to break the pattern that has haunted me for so long. I want to move in a new direction that will bring me joy and contentment.
As a way of moving decisively in a new direction I have elected to participate in a training in April called the New Warrior Training Adventure.
I will write more about this upcoming training in a future posting.
......
I feel very aware of my sadness tonight. I recognize that I feel sad due in part to my belief (which I think is well founded) that the larger, deeper, entrenched issues of my life will not necessarily resolve as quickly as I would like them to. They are improving. But quick results are not something I can realistically expect. Sometimes this is just what happens. It isn't fair. It isn't easy. It isn't something that feels just. Indeed, some people are able to overcome the obstacles of their own lives because they have more resources at their disposal than others will ever be able to enjoy.
It might prove really difficult to address those really deep, long enduring aspects of our lives that can positively haunt our waking lives as well as our nights even if we do have great resources at our disposal. And it might even seem to be difficult, with good resources in place, to manifest the biggest dreams we have for ourselves. Creating the life we dream of one day living can take on the quality of pursuing a mythic quest.
I have been on a journey into the deepest, most immense darkness I have ever voyaged into these last twenty-one months. It is a darkness borne of my own lack of clarity and confusion as to what is ultimately possible in my future life. And yet clarity is gradually coming. My slog through what many times felt like an interminable quagmire is now finally fully behind me.
The future is waiting for me to reach out and embrace it. All these future sunrises do not yet know who I will be.
So who will I choose to be?
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