Friday, September 19, 2014
I am grateful that it is Friday and that I have made few commitments of my time this weekend. My week was plenty full. And it was the first week of my life since my most recent birthday.
The astrological sign of Virgo is said to be ruled by the planet Mercury. Virgo people are thus reputed to be skilled in analytical thinking. I certainly am no exception to this generalization. I tend to analyze without even trying. I suppose it's an irrefutable part of my nature. And so I have been assessing the quality of my life now as compared to a year ago. What a difference a year can make!
This time last year I wasn't earning income through a paying job. I was focusing the lion's share of my energy on stabilizing my life, creating a longer term strategy for the journey of intensive healing and adapting to the demands the journey was requiring of me. When my birthday came last year it was not at all an easy time in my life. By September of last year I was no longer depressed. But I wasn't happy either. My life still felt quite grim at that time. Even though I still had so many more blessings at that time than some people experience throughout much of their lives it was very difficult for me to focus on the wonderful elements of my life. I was simply too consumed with disappointment and too angry with how I had once again sought out something from my father which time and time again he has proven himself unable or unwilling to offer to me. I ruminated in my disappointment, anger and grief for a few months. Eventually I had to let go.
It would be an exaggeration to state that I am done with the process of letting go. When my birthday came around again this past Sunday I could feel pain inside me. But the quality of my feelings has changed immensely. The white-hot quality of my anger has passed away. I feel predominantly grief now. And even the grief is gradually improving. Will the grief completely vanish one day? I do not know. But I do believe that, at a minimum, the grief will continue to diminish and eventually become a much more manageable aspect of the personal history I have lived and carried with me to this moment in time. I continue to feel better and better as time passes.
One testament to the reality that my forward progress continues is the fact that I appear to be tolerating a lower dosage of sertraline quite well. The dosage I am on now would hardly even be considered a therapeutic dosage. My intention now is to ride on this dosage level through the winter and then contemplate going completely off the medication next spring. I believe I will be feeling quite good by next spring.
I recently received additional encouraging news when I learned that my Medical Assistance insurance should remain in effect through next February. This will allow me to experience the gift of an additional five months of therapy at no real financial cost to me. Considering the fact that my experience of trauma early in my development is due essentially exclusively to the actions (or inactions) of a number of people and institutions I do not feel it is unreasonable to receive therapy at no financial cost. I am willing to put in the time and effort to heal. There are many who will refuse help even when it is offered to them. I have encountered such people. I am inclined to believe my own father is one such person.
As my life has continued to stabilize and improve I can feel my anxiety level continuing to drop. The decline is not a straight line but the trend has been continually downward. And the trend has been underway for over a year now. I am really starting to believe that I am going to one day ultimately manifest my grandest dreams for my life. It's a wondrous thing when you begin to allow yourself to truly hope and believe in such awesome possibilities. And it is especially wondrous when you discover your capacity to hope and dream is returning after a long period of confusion, suffering and alienation. I truly feel as if I have experienced a rebirth of sorts.
I have exercised at the YMCA the last three days in a row. Tomorrow, on Saturday, I am going to refrain from engaging in intentional exercise. I am going to enjoy the gift of a leisurely day. With all the deep work I have done in the last year I feel I owe it to myself to give myself plenty of time for me. And it's especially important I practice good self-care as I have decided to once again compete in a contest I first competed in last November. I have a mere eight weeks to prepare!
This may prove to be one of the most memorable autumns of my life!
I am grateful that it is Friday and that I have made few commitments of my time this weekend. My week was plenty full. And it was the first week of my life since my most recent birthday.
The astrological sign of Virgo is said to be ruled by the planet Mercury. Virgo people are thus reputed to be skilled in analytical thinking. I certainly am no exception to this generalization. I tend to analyze without even trying. I suppose it's an irrefutable part of my nature. And so I have been assessing the quality of my life now as compared to a year ago. What a difference a year can make!
This time last year I wasn't earning income through a paying job. I was focusing the lion's share of my energy on stabilizing my life, creating a longer term strategy for the journey of intensive healing and adapting to the demands the journey was requiring of me. When my birthday came last year it was not at all an easy time in my life. By September of last year I was no longer depressed. But I wasn't happy either. My life still felt quite grim at that time. Even though I still had so many more blessings at that time than some people experience throughout much of their lives it was very difficult for me to focus on the wonderful elements of my life. I was simply too consumed with disappointment and too angry with how I had once again sought out something from my father which time and time again he has proven himself unable or unwilling to offer to me. I ruminated in my disappointment, anger and grief for a few months. Eventually I had to let go.
It would be an exaggeration to state that I am done with the process of letting go. When my birthday came around again this past Sunday I could feel pain inside me. But the quality of my feelings has changed immensely. The white-hot quality of my anger has passed away. I feel predominantly grief now. And even the grief is gradually improving. Will the grief completely vanish one day? I do not know. But I do believe that, at a minimum, the grief will continue to diminish and eventually become a much more manageable aspect of the personal history I have lived and carried with me to this moment in time. I continue to feel better and better as time passes.
One testament to the reality that my forward progress continues is the fact that I appear to be tolerating a lower dosage of sertraline quite well. The dosage I am on now would hardly even be considered a therapeutic dosage. My intention now is to ride on this dosage level through the winter and then contemplate going completely off the medication next spring. I believe I will be feeling quite good by next spring.
I recently received additional encouraging news when I learned that my Medical Assistance insurance should remain in effect through next February. This will allow me to experience the gift of an additional five months of therapy at no real financial cost to me. Considering the fact that my experience of trauma early in my development is due essentially exclusively to the actions (or inactions) of a number of people and institutions I do not feel it is unreasonable to receive therapy at no financial cost. I am willing to put in the time and effort to heal. There are many who will refuse help even when it is offered to them. I have encountered such people. I am inclined to believe my own father is one such person.
As my life has continued to stabilize and improve I can feel my anxiety level continuing to drop. The decline is not a straight line but the trend has been continually downward. And the trend has been underway for over a year now. I am really starting to believe that I am going to one day ultimately manifest my grandest dreams for my life. It's a wondrous thing when you begin to allow yourself to truly hope and believe in such awesome possibilities. And it is especially wondrous when you discover your capacity to hope and dream is returning after a long period of confusion, suffering and alienation. I truly feel as if I have experienced a rebirth of sorts.
I have exercised at the YMCA the last three days in a row. Tomorrow, on Saturday, I am going to refrain from engaging in intentional exercise. I am going to enjoy the gift of a leisurely day. With all the deep work I have done in the last year I feel I owe it to myself to give myself plenty of time for me. And it's especially important I practice good self-care as I have decided to once again compete in a contest I first competed in last November. I have a mere eight weeks to prepare!
This may prove to be one of the most memorable autumns of my life!
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