Friday, September 12, 2014
Last year at this time, when I hit the big 4-0 birthday, the illustrious social media site known as Facebook must have made an internal note of the fact of this particular birthday milestone. I believe this because I began seeing ads targeted to 'mature' men seeking to date shortly after last September. I didn't really much care for being on the receiving end of such targeted marketing. Why? Because I do not much care for the convenient little box that people all too often put one another in based upon any number of particular demographic characteristics. I would rather be treated as a human being first and foremost.
As I have written my blog throughout the last year I have experienced a continually deepening awareness of this feeling of being a bit split inside. I often experience myself feeling as if I am a man and a boy at the same time. My boy self didn't receive enough love and nurture when I was chronologically a boy. So now, years later, I am doing the best I know how to attend to the wounded aspects of my self which first developed when I was a very small boy. Such a 'split screen' of being certainly serves as ample fodder for my life as a writer.
Being a mature man held a 'bit' captive by the voracious appetites and whimsical fascinations of a small boy can be a bit nerve wracking at times. For example I look at myself in the mirror in the last few months and wonder how I managed to pack on more weight to my midsection than I would prefer to now be carrying. And then I quickly recall to mind the many times I indulged in eating ice cream this past summer. Giving myself a treat I first developed an immense appreciation of as a child has been one way I have tried to attend to my child self in a healthy way. But too much of a good thing isn't necessarily a good thing. So now I find myself reaping the consequences of my relative lack of discipline. I say 'relative' because I do firmly feel there are many, many worse habits I could have developed as compared to eating a lot of chocolate ice cream. I know excess dairy is not the best for my body but it's a less unhealthy habit to carry around than something like frequent and excess drinking, reckless driving or developing an addiction to meth. Am I rationalizing? Perhaps I am a bit.
The boy I once was had a strong appetite for fun. But then the litany of trauma I experienced left me with a warped perception of the world. As I emerge from behind my veil of distorted thinking and perceiving I have felt myself undergoing something of a rebirth. So much of the world fascinates me now. And thus I want to do so much. I find myself really savoring the taste of food. I find myself really noticing the wind on my face. I find myself really marveling at the beauty and pleasure of human touch. Standing somewhat outside my body for so long was painful. Being back inside my body and being and feeling truly alive has been a wondrous experience. But it also has been painful. Even good change can be difficult to navigate.
And so I find myself wanting to be a man and boy at the same time. It's enough when I have to live and perform in the world of adults as a contributing member of society about forty hours a week. When I get done with my workweek I find myself wanting to flick the switch off on my 'adult mode' and then embody the voracious, whimsical, curious child I once was...and still feel alive within me.
I had an experience today that clarified for me, yet again, just how truly I feel these two aspects of me are living within my body at the same time. Today I further decorated a display case on the Abbott Northwestern Hospital campus. The case can be found on the main floor along the walkway between the Wasie building (where I work) and the Sister Kenny Rehabilitation Institute. After speaking with my coworker we agreed to do an autumnal theme in the display case. I decorated the display case with faux autumn leaves. I then pinned up the artwork of children who attend the nearby Early Childhood Education Center. I found myself feeling the kind of excitement and enthusiasm that a little boy feels when he makes a nice piece of art which his parents later praise him for. I have always loved art. I later received the following exclamation of praise from my coworker:
I love what you did with the display case! Even if the childcare center isn’t interested, it looks awesome as it. It really does. The way you grouped some leaves and left others individually was perfect. And the separation of the pumpkins was just right. I appreciate when someone does things so thoughtfully and creatively, so thanks a million.
Just as happened yesterday I found my heart singing within my chest as I read her expression of appreciation and enthusiasm. It's very clear to me that I need to do something that has an artistic aspect in my future professional life. I am noticing more and more that simple pleasures are often 'enough' for me. I do not need complex, highly complicated delights to entertain or satisfy me.
Being a man-boy is an interesting journey.
Last year at this time, when I hit the big 4-0 birthday, the illustrious social media site known as Facebook must have made an internal note of the fact of this particular birthday milestone. I believe this because I began seeing ads targeted to 'mature' men seeking to date shortly after last September. I didn't really much care for being on the receiving end of such targeted marketing. Why? Because I do not much care for the convenient little box that people all too often put one another in based upon any number of particular demographic characteristics. I would rather be treated as a human being first and foremost.
As I have written my blog throughout the last year I have experienced a continually deepening awareness of this feeling of being a bit split inside. I often experience myself feeling as if I am a man and a boy at the same time. My boy self didn't receive enough love and nurture when I was chronologically a boy. So now, years later, I am doing the best I know how to attend to the wounded aspects of my self which first developed when I was a very small boy. Such a 'split screen' of being certainly serves as ample fodder for my life as a writer.
Being a mature man held a 'bit' captive by the voracious appetites and whimsical fascinations of a small boy can be a bit nerve wracking at times. For example I look at myself in the mirror in the last few months and wonder how I managed to pack on more weight to my midsection than I would prefer to now be carrying. And then I quickly recall to mind the many times I indulged in eating ice cream this past summer. Giving myself a treat I first developed an immense appreciation of as a child has been one way I have tried to attend to my child self in a healthy way. But too much of a good thing isn't necessarily a good thing. So now I find myself reaping the consequences of my relative lack of discipline. I say 'relative' because I do firmly feel there are many, many worse habits I could have developed as compared to eating a lot of chocolate ice cream. I know excess dairy is not the best for my body but it's a less unhealthy habit to carry around than something like frequent and excess drinking, reckless driving or developing an addiction to meth. Am I rationalizing? Perhaps I am a bit.
The boy I once was had a strong appetite for fun. But then the litany of trauma I experienced left me with a warped perception of the world. As I emerge from behind my veil of distorted thinking and perceiving I have felt myself undergoing something of a rebirth. So much of the world fascinates me now. And thus I want to do so much. I find myself really savoring the taste of food. I find myself really noticing the wind on my face. I find myself really marveling at the beauty and pleasure of human touch. Standing somewhat outside my body for so long was painful. Being back inside my body and being and feeling truly alive has been a wondrous experience. But it also has been painful. Even good change can be difficult to navigate.
And so I find myself wanting to be a man and boy at the same time. It's enough when I have to live and perform in the world of adults as a contributing member of society about forty hours a week. When I get done with my workweek I find myself wanting to flick the switch off on my 'adult mode' and then embody the voracious, whimsical, curious child I once was...and still feel alive within me.
I had an experience today that clarified for me, yet again, just how truly I feel these two aspects of me are living within my body at the same time. Today I further decorated a display case on the Abbott Northwestern Hospital campus. The case can be found on the main floor along the walkway between the Wasie building (where I work) and the Sister Kenny Rehabilitation Institute. After speaking with my coworker we agreed to do an autumnal theme in the display case. I decorated the display case with faux autumn leaves. I then pinned up the artwork of children who attend the nearby Early Childhood Education Center. I found myself feeling the kind of excitement and enthusiasm that a little boy feels when he makes a nice piece of art which his parents later praise him for. I have always loved art. I later received the following exclamation of praise from my coworker:
I love what you did with the display case! Even if the childcare center isn’t interested, it looks awesome as it. It really does. The way you grouped some leaves and left others individually was perfect. And the separation of the pumpkins was just right. I appreciate when someone does things so thoughtfully and creatively, so thanks a million.
Just as happened yesterday I found my heart singing within my chest as I read her expression of appreciation and enthusiasm. It's very clear to me that I need to do something that has an artistic aspect in my future professional life. I am noticing more and more that simple pleasures are often 'enough' for me. I do not need complex, highly complicated delights to entertain or satisfy me.
Being a man-boy is an interesting journey.
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