Roads Not Taken

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I have shared many threads of inquiry and topics in my blog these last fifteen months.  One thread that appears consistently in my steadily growing documentary is my grief regarding what I endured in my earlier life history.  And deeply connected to my grief is my ‘journey down memory lane’. 

My journey through the inner realm of my memories is quite voluntary on occasion.  Other times the journey will feel quite involuntary.  In these latter instances the memories may intrude into my waking consciousness with such force that I am reminded of one symptom often seen in those suffering from PTSD.  That symptom is intrusive memories.  These may also be termed flashbacks.  Recalling and dwelling in some memories causes me profound joy.  Others cause old pain to well up inside me.  I know I am continuing to become healthier as time passes.  But the journey can be arduous and lonely on occasion. 

One particular fork in the road now in the relatively distant past appeared in my life in 1999.  In May of that year I departed the Society of Jesus after living as a member of the order for nearly three years.  My reasons for leaving the order were many.  I didn’t feel a life of celibacy was compatible with my wants and needs.  I also had come to accept my sexuality as a gay man during my time in the order.  I left the order because I disagreed with Catholic teaching regarding gay and lesbian people.   I found the Church’s official position to be narrow, outdated and even quite irresponsible.  The intervening years have only more deeply confirmed how wise it was for me to choose as I did.  When I left the Jesuit order I also left Chicago.  I lived there for a period of approximately nine months while attending Loyola University Chicago.

At the time of my separation from the order I spent a lot of time contemplating what I wanted to do with my life.  During the time I lived in Chicago I had developed a keen interest in the Art Institute of Chicago.  I had even contemplated going to graduate school to become an art therapist.  I ultimately chose a different route.  I moved to California in search of the adventure I imagined I could have as a consequence of living in one of the gayest cities in the world.  I enjoyed much of the time I lived in California.

I have lately been thinking of that man I could have become had I taken a different course of action in 1999.  Who would I have become had I stayed in Chicago, found a job there and simultaneously enrolled in studies at the Art Institute?  Today, had I chosen differently back then, I might perhaps be an art therapist with a long established practice.  Perhaps I would be much happier than I am now.  But perhaps this would never have come to pass.  Maybe I needed to take the seemingly circuitous path I have journeyed down to ultimately find myself where I am. 

At different moments throughout my life I have sought comfort, inspiration and encouragement through prayer.  On occasion my prayer could be easily encapsulated in the following statement: “May I be led to live the best life I can possibly live.”  In darker periods of my life it has been difficult to believe I was journeying along the ‘right’ path.  And yet somehow all my successes and failures have led me to this present moment which now appears to offer some very real and rewarding possibilities for my future life.  As I noted in my post on Monday one important indicator of being a mature adult is the ability and willingness to dance with the light as well as the darkness.  Both are vital aspects of the human experience.

And yet I still feel the need to take some time and ponder upon that man I was fifteen years ago.  I was a different man at the time.  I was so young.  I was still ruled too much by my fears and early history of trauma.  I was a man yearning for so much more than I had previously lived.  I was a man both fearful of deep intimacy and yet very much yearning for it.  I was at a crossroads in May, 1999 when I left the Jesuit order as well as Chicago.  I am now a man at another crossroads.

……

Being an artist is something that has long been a natural identity for me.  I didn’t pursue a formal education in arts fifteen years ago but it is still possible for me to incorporate my love of and skill in the arts now.  As I play with and explore the realm of archetypes that offer a special resonance to me it’s clear I need to express my artist self more and more.

As a means of reentering the arts world in a more powerful way I recently chose to offer some of my time as a volunteer mentor to a local organization called Free Arts Minnesota.  I attended an orientation session last night.  I left the session feeling inspired and excited.  I have no doubt my collaboration with this organization will feature in forthcoming blog posts.

Have an awesome Wednesday!