Of Autumn Leaves, Compassion And Childhoods Free of Trauma

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Today is one of those days when I actually feel really well placed here in Minnesota where I live.  Despite the indirect communication style that seems to be an endemic feature of the Midwestern mindset there is much about Minnesota that I do love.  Here are a few particular elements that please me:

I like the seasons we have here…generally speaking.  I have been disappointed by the two springs that I have lived here but perhaps next year will finally feature one that will be worthy of warm smiles when it has come and gone. Spring announces itself much more slowly here as compared to where I grew up.  Slow emergence can actually be a good thing.  I now find it preferable to wide jags in temperature.  Sudden bursts of heat can prove risky here in the Spring; a sudden and catastrophic melt of a heavy snowpack can put flood-prone areas at immense risk.  Summers and autumns can be amazing times to live here.  I was reminded of this today while waiting to take the bus to work.  The sky is now filled with that unique, nearly golden light that is often specific to the months of September and October. 


The state is socially progressive and economically (fairly) vibrant.  Unlike some other Midwestern states as well as much of the South, Minnesota serves as an example of a state that is home to a diverse blend of populations.  The economy here is doing better than a number of other states.  I am still fairly disappointed with the pace of the economic recovery (that has required a number of years to unfold) but I feel fairly secure in my belief that were the economy to collapse again Minnesota would be one of the better states to live in. 


The affordability and accessibility of healthcare is another good reason to live in Minnesota.  Meanwhile the Republican governors of southern states have developed a reputation of refusing to participate in the expansion of health care for poor and marginalized populations (which often tend to simultaneously be minority populations) even when the federal government has been willing to provide significant resources to implement said expansion.  States that do not invest in their own people are states that seem more likely to fail.  Why would you want to live anywhere where there is active dis-investment occurring on a systemic scale?

I decided to commit to making some additional significant changes to my life since my birthday two days ago.  A primary change it is obvious I need to make relates to my diet.  And I mean to speak of diet in a very broad sense.  I am revamping my daily diet of food and media.  If perception often becomes our sense of reality it is clear I need to manage what I take in that influences my perception.  So I will be changing what I eat and what I read.  And I am working with my therapist to change what I believe.  Unexamined and incorrect core beliefs about yourself and the world at large can wreak havoc on the possibilities and qualities in your life.  In the spirit of conscious awareness I am now maintaining a daily food log where I will document what I eat each day.  I will very likely occasionally make reference to my dietary changes here in my blog.

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I was reminded of the value of compassion earlier today when I spoke with a co-worker about my life outside of work.  I am trying to do a better job of not letting people in too quickly.  This pattern of having poor boundaries has played havoc with my life in the past.  It may be difficult but it is time for me to address and remove this pattern.

My conversation with my co-workers led me down some avenues of thought I have journeyed down previously.  I believe there is something of a deficit of compassion in the United States.  And I believe it is often easily found on display when people who vociferously proclaim their Christianity behave in the most un-Christian of ways (see above regarding excluding the poor from accessible health care).  One person who was recently in the news was an Arizona official who had advocated sterilizing poor women.  That sounds like something out of the historical period of Nazi Germany.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this man attends church on Sunday and perceives himself as an upstanding individual and public servant.  In addition to the economic crisis of the last many years I thus believe it accurate to state there is a simultaneous ‘compassion crisis’ at play.  Times of grave hardship as typically experienced in a moribund or depressed economy can bring out the best in people…but also the worst.

I was touched by my co-workers revelation that her partner has been affected by schizophrenia within her own family of origin.  I haven’t actually (recently) looked up statistics on the frequency of schizophrenia in the general population.  Regardless of its ultimate frequency I can speak from experience when I declare it is a most unfortunate illness to be stricken with.  The quality of a person’s future life can be irrevocably changed by the appearance (sudden or otherwise) of illness.  My own experience of trauma has made me (permanently?) aware of how tenuous our lives can be.  And yet I also believe we do not have to succumb to such a reality.  We can use our capacity to make healthy choices.  It’s not always easy.  But it is possible.

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My birthday gave me pause to consider the state of my own life.  My life looks so very different compared to what it was a year ago.  I wish that I could have had a childhood free of the burden of serious trauma.  I did not.  I take some solace in knowing I am not at all alone in that experience.  Many children may endure what I have experienced and yet not ultimately survive it.  And of those who do many quite likely do not ultimately go on to live lives with such high functioning as I do.  I am fortunate to be a strong person endowed with good genes.  My inner strength will serve me well in my future life.

The grief remains in me even now.  I grieve what I endured as well as what never was and what can never be.  Two of my cousins wished me a Happy Birthday two days ago.  My one and only brother did not.  Life is too short to waste time on those who will not make time for you.  It is thus necessary that I move on with my own life regardless of how painful the process of moving on may prove to be.  I long ago emerged from the worst of my ordeal which occurred in the summer of 2013.  I hope and intend my future to be as bright as the horizon was this morning as the sun rose to mark another day’s beginning.