Saturday, September 13, 2014
I feel positively hyper this morning. Perhaps I have been eating too much sugar lately. Or maybe I am just thoroughly excited by the forward progress I have made in my life since my last birthday almost exactly a year ago. Or maybe the biochemistry of my body is even more imbalanced than I believe it is. Or perhaps it is all of the above and still more. I should have a lot more timely knowledge about the state of my health by next Wednesday evening. By that point I should have the results of the lab-work done on my blood taken yesterday morning. I will also have met with my podiatrist by that time. I am really hoping that he discovers nothing seriously amiss with my left foot. I've had trouble with it for the last two years...ever since I twisted the ankle of my left foot three times in the same number of weeks in the summer of 2012.
I am also excited about my birthday. It is tomorrow. I have come so very far since this time last year. Last year I celebrated my birthday while away at the Minnesota Men's Conference. I returned from that conference on Sunday, September 15th. That evening I celebrated my birthday, again, with a dinner at the Black Forest Inn in Minneapolis. Of the people who attended that event the only people I am still friends with now, a year later, are people I know from the local leather community. Another friend I still keep in touch with has since moved away to attend graduate school in Alaska. I have felt welcomed and embraced by the local leather community in a way I have not often experienced in other gay subcultures. The last year of my life has been something like what you might expect an adolescent to experience. It has been a time of immense transformation. If you are an astrology geek like I am you would not be surprised to know my transformation has unfolded under the influence of Pluto squaring my natal Moon. The last year has been an immensely difficult one for me...but also immensely rewarding.
I also feel a high level of anxiety this morning because I wonder if I might feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed tomorrow on my birthday itself. I do not really stay in touch with my paternal family of origin any more. I did hear from one of my aunts yesterday. She replied to my message in which I recounted a fond memory I had of her making me a birthday cake for one of the birthdays I had in my 30s. I still feel an immense sadness typical of when people experience an estrangement from those they once felt close to. I feel a bit anxious because I wonder if that sadness will burst forth tomorrow and consume me much like a storm tide inundates a community and consumes it. I became so skilled at dissociating from my feelings that adjusting to a life in which I no longer do that has been a challenge. Despite all the trauma I experienced as a kid I still find myself feeling very sad that I ultimately walked away from my paternal family of origin due to their inability to really and truly listen to me regarding the issues from my childhood which were never addressed in a healthy way.
Despite my high anxiety I generally feel good though. It's a beautiful day outside. I look forward to enjoying the sunshine of a very late summer day. I'll be attending a series of events this weekend and am excited to see many people I consider friends.
This past summer I found myself repeatedly writing about the summer of 1982. In the ongoing work I have done with my therapist I have come to clearly see how it was (perhaps it seems ironic?) the near murder of my father at the tender of age of eight that was indeed one of the most traumatic events of my own life. It seems I made an unconscious choice that summer to start showing a face to the world that didn't fully express who I was...and who I was becoming. It was that time in my childhood that marked my descent into the acid world of budding resentment.
Approximately thirty years later I am finally tending to that resentment, sadness and despair I had long carried within. I thought I had done this in therapy earlier in my life. And I had given these issues attention. But I had not given them sufficient attention. Now, having been committed to giving these issues sufficient attention these last fifteen months I am finally seeing genuine and lasting results. I am moving in the direction of becoming the man I wish to be.
I feel positively hyper this morning. Perhaps I have been eating too much sugar lately. Or maybe I am just thoroughly excited by the forward progress I have made in my life since my last birthday almost exactly a year ago. Or maybe the biochemistry of my body is even more imbalanced than I believe it is. Or perhaps it is all of the above and still more. I should have a lot more timely knowledge about the state of my health by next Wednesday evening. By that point I should have the results of the lab-work done on my blood taken yesterday morning. I will also have met with my podiatrist by that time. I am really hoping that he discovers nothing seriously amiss with my left foot. I've had trouble with it for the last two years...ever since I twisted the ankle of my left foot three times in the same number of weeks in the summer of 2012.
I am also excited about my birthday. It is tomorrow. I have come so very far since this time last year. Last year I celebrated my birthday while away at the Minnesota Men's Conference. I returned from that conference on Sunday, September 15th. That evening I celebrated my birthday, again, with a dinner at the Black Forest Inn in Minneapolis. Of the people who attended that event the only people I am still friends with now, a year later, are people I know from the local leather community. Another friend I still keep in touch with has since moved away to attend graduate school in Alaska. I have felt welcomed and embraced by the local leather community in a way I have not often experienced in other gay subcultures. The last year of my life has been something like what you might expect an adolescent to experience. It has been a time of immense transformation. If you are an astrology geek like I am you would not be surprised to know my transformation has unfolded under the influence of Pluto squaring my natal Moon. The last year has been an immensely difficult one for me...but also immensely rewarding.
I also feel a high level of anxiety this morning because I wonder if I might feel a bit emotionally overwhelmed tomorrow on my birthday itself. I do not really stay in touch with my paternal family of origin any more. I did hear from one of my aunts yesterday. She replied to my message in which I recounted a fond memory I had of her making me a birthday cake for one of the birthdays I had in my 30s. I still feel an immense sadness typical of when people experience an estrangement from those they once felt close to. I feel a bit anxious because I wonder if that sadness will burst forth tomorrow and consume me much like a storm tide inundates a community and consumes it. I became so skilled at dissociating from my feelings that adjusting to a life in which I no longer do that has been a challenge. Despite all the trauma I experienced as a kid I still find myself feeling very sad that I ultimately walked away from my paternal family of origin due to their inability to really and truly listen to me regarding the issues from my childhood which were never addressed in a healthy way.
Despite my high anxiety I generally feel good though. It's a beautiful day outside. I look forward to enjoying the sunshine of a very late summer day. I'll be attending a series of events this weekend and am excited to see many people I consider friends.
This past summer I found myself repeatedly writing about the summer of 1982. In the ongoing work I have done with my therapist I have come to clearly see how it was (perhaps it seems ironic?) the near murder of my father at the tender of age of eight that was indeed one of the most traumatic events of my own life. It seems I made an unconscious choice that summer to start showing a face to the world that didn't fully express who I was...and who I was becoming. It was that time in my childhood that marked my descent into the acid world of budding resentment.
Approximately thirty years later I am finally tending to that resentment, sadness and despair I had long carried within. I thought I had done this in therapy earlier in my life. And I had given these issues attention. But I had not given them sufficient attention. Now, having been committed to giving these issues sufficient attention these last fifteen months I am finally seeing genuine and lasting results. I am moving in the direction of becoming the man I wish to be.
It brings me great joy to know you are making such wonderful progress...Congratulations and Happy Birthday!!! Love and Light and Big Birthday HUGS from Jorge in Santa Cruz, CA
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