Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Yesterday evening I enjoyed the opportunity to converse with
the friend of a friend via Skype.
After I finally resolved a slight technology challenge I was able to
settle into a conversation…that ultimately lasted about an hour.
At one point near the end of our conversation I referenced
an aspect of my journey of healing that I still find challenging to live with
on a daily basis. On occasion I
feel that I am placing myself under an immense amount of pressure to ‘make up for
lost time’. As I have come to
deeply appreciate the truth of the reality that I really and truly felt some of
my most basic needs were going unmet for much of my childhood I sometimes have
felt myself consumed with a bit of a reactivity that, if not consciously
acknowledged and somewhat ‘tamed’, could prove harmful to me.
I want to relish life and the abundance of possibilities
that are still open to me. And I
also find myself feeling very much like an adolescent. I notice the beauty of men on a daily
basis. Going to the Eagle bar in
Minneapolis is often a special treat for my eyes and other senses. I find myself consistently marveling at
the beauty of the natural world around me as well. Today, while in my office at the Abbott Northwestern Hospital
Foundation, I found myself noticing the intricate and yet simple beauty of a
sunflower sitting on my desk. It’s
amazing how much complexity is inherent in some of the most simple forms that
beauty will manifest itself through.
To live too much in the past or the future is to live very
little at all. When I visit with
my therapist each week I spend time addressing how the past still often affects
me now in the present. I still
have my moments in which I find myself feeling a bit reactive. Other times I find myself feeling
anxious and yet also feeling completely mystified as to the source of the
anxiety…as if it will always be so obvious what is ‘causing’ it. My angst sometimes feels a bit like the
angst that an adolescent might feel as puberty opens a brand new world of
experience. I am obviously long
past chronological puberty but it’s not unusual for people to experience
something of a second flowering at some point in their adult lives. And I think this can be downright
common for people who experienced significant abuse, oppression or hardship at
some point in their lives. As the
veil of trauma has finally lifted from my eyes I am seeing the world again…for
the first time.
The Autumnal Equinox is a short two weeks away. And yet the change of seasons cannot be
denied now. A cold rain was
forecast for today for the last several days. It’s too early for a chill north wind to strip the trees of
their leaves but the time is fast approaching when the trees will turn colors
and charm those of us who are charmed by the whirl of the seasons.
This journey of healing has left me genuinely fascinated
with my own eyesight, with the faculty of vision, with the texture of light and
with a world I previously only dimly saw.
What an adventure!
No comments:
Post a Comment
I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!