Monday, February 2, 2015
I am doing my best to remain focused. It isn't easy right now. I just want to give up. I am so tired of trying.
The good and bad news is that I have partially moved out of my apartment. Four months ago I moved into my own apartment. I did so with an immense feeling of hopefulness that my move was yet another indicator of my progress forward. I was sorely disappointed. Due to the dysfunctional and illegal conduct of other tenants I eventually came to conclude it was in my best interests to move out. I am now in the process of dealing with the full consequences of my decision.
It all too often happens that I feel a bit fearful of making major decisions. I feel this way in part due to the fact that I did not develop very good decision making skills when I was growing up. My father certainly did not teach me how to make good decisions. He was busy working and avoiding the pain in his own life. He wasn't a good model of manhood for me. I have the power to choose how I will live my own life. But I feel a bit bereft at the moment. I need more resources to support my own healing process.
I spent time this past weekend working on a number of important 'issue areas' in my own life. I read a document focused on something called a 'cultural landscape approach'. I sent out emails to potential professional contacts as I continue to explore the possibility of pursuing a doctorate. I went to the YMCA and got in some exercise time. I took my medication in a timely way and got enough sleep. It was supposedly a productive weekend. But I am nonetheless struggling with dark thoughts. One of the most prominent of my dark thoughts is 'It's too late for me'. Sometimes I feel the best years of my life are behind me. Throughout the last four years I have tried to find the next step forward in my professional life. These last four years have often felt excruciating.
I don't want to give up on my own life. I have fought too hard, invested too much in myself and given too generously of my time to give up now. But the weariness and sadness are upon me. If I cannot make any significant strides forward in the short term then I at least want to protect what progress I have made.
I think the sadness fast idea I wrote of recently is a good notion to keep playing with. I have carried a lot of sadness in my own life. I want to start healing myself of my sadness. I have been working on it for a while now.
I am doing my best to remain focused. It isn't easy right now. I just want to give up. I am so tired of trying.
The good and bad news is that I have partially moved out of my apartment. Four months ago I moved into my own apartment. I did so with an immense feeling of hopefulness that my move was yet another indicator of my progress forward. I was sorely disappointed. Due to the dysfunctional and illegal conduct of other tenants I eventually came to conclude it was in my best interests to move out. I am now in the process of dealing with the full consequences of my decision.
It all too often happens that I feel a bit fearful of making major decisions. I feel this way in part due to the fact that I did not develop very good decision making skills when I was growing up. My father certainly did not teach me how to make good decisions. He was busy working and avoiding the pain in his own life. He wasn't a good model of manhood for me. I have the power to choose how I will live my own life. But I feel a bit bereft at the moment. I need more resources to support my own healing process.
I spent time this past weekend working on a number of important 'issue areas' in my own life. I read a document focused on something called a 'cultural landscape approach'. I sent out emails to potential professional contacts as I continue to explore the possibility of pursuing a doctorate. I went to the YMCA and got in some exercise time. I took my medication in a timely way and got enough sleep. It was supposedly a productive weekend. But I am nonetheless struggling with dark thoughts. One of the most prominent of my dark thoughts is 'It's too late for me'. Sometimes I feel the best years of my life are behind me. Throughout the last four years I have tried to find the next step forward in my professional life. These last four years have often felt excruciating.
I don't want to give up on my own life. I have fought too hard, invested too much in myself and given too generously of my time to give up now. But the weariness and sadness are upon me. If I cannot make any significant strides forward in the short term then I at least want to protect what progress I have made.
I think the sadness fast idea I wrote of recently is a good notion to keep playing with. I have carried a lot of sadness in my own life. I want to start healing myself of my sadness. I have been working on it for a while now.
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