Saturday, February 14, 2015
I have mixed feelings about today. It is Valentines Day. I wonder if I will unexpectedly see lots of healthy couples (gay and straight) in the course of the social activities I plan to attend today. I still feel a lot of deep sadness about the losses I have experienced over the course of the last eighteen months. Sometimes loss is a very painful experience. I want to find a way through the sadness I feel now. I want to believe I am moving in the right direction.
I write my blog for a number of reasons. One reason I write is for the purpose of enhancing my conscious awareness about what I am feeling and what aspects of my past life history still cause me pain. Lately I have been more aware of the disappointing aspects of my adolescence. I rarely felt witnessed by my father and stepmother in the years I was becoming a man.
It is my opinion that a child is not likely to pass through adolescence and become a healthy adult if healthy models of adulthood are lacking. I did not feel witnessed as my sexuality developed. And I certainly did not feel I could be honest with my father about being gay while I was still living at home. It is a sad truth that I felt I had to hide this aspect of myself from my father. I felt I had to hide it to minimize the risk of additional harm or neglect.
The grief I carried about my much less than optimal adolescence is just one piece of the immense grief I carried for far too long. I am still grieving now. I cannot clearly see when this grief shall come to an end. I do believe that these is an end. But I cannot clearly discern when that ending will arrive.
I feel quite weary lately. I feel tired out due to the amount of energy I have already spent seeking to feel better and improve my life. I made some major changes in my life in the last two years. And yet for all the changes I have made I still am not experiencing the results I desire. There are many days when I ask myself why this is so. I sometimes believe I need to have still more patience. I sometimes believe I need to go about the process of improving my life in a different way. And other times I believe I simply have had a larger measure of misfortune than any one person should endure in a single life.
There are times when I feel a bit guilty or pathetic that I am not more grateful for what is good in my life. I am fortunate to have excellent health insurance that is allowing me to finally attend to my old psychic wounds in a thorough way. I am fortunate to have friends both near and far who care about me. I am fortunate to still enjoy a fairly functional physical body. And yet despite all these good aspects of my life I still feel so disappointed and sad lately. I want to move beyond the pain and disappointment of my early life history. It is taking more time and effort than I would prefer.
I find myself wondering when all of the trees will be green again.
I have mixed feelings about today. It is Valentines Day. I wonder if I will unexpectedly see lots of healthy couples (gay and straight) in the course of the social activities I plan to attend today. I still feel a lot of deep sadness about the losses I have experienced over the course of the last eighteen months. Sometimes loss is a very painful experience. I want to find a way through the sadness I feel now. I want to believe I am moving in the right direction.
I write my blog for a number of reasons. One reason I write is for the purpose of enhancing my conscious awareness about what I am feeling and what aspects of my past life history still cause me pain. Lately I have been more aware of the disappointing aspects of my adolescence. I rarely felt witnessed by my father and stepmother in the years I was becoming a man.
It is my opinion that a child is not likely to pass through adolescence and become a healthy adult if healthy models of adulthood are lacking. I did not feel witnessed as my sexuality developed. And I certainly did not feel I could be honest with my father about being gay while I was still living at home. It is a sad truth that I felt I had to hide this aspect of myself from my father. I felt I had to hide it to minimize the risk of additional harm or neglect.
The grief I carried about my much less than optimal adolescence is just one piece of the immense grief I carried for far too long. I am still grieving now. I cannot clearly see when this grief shall come to an end. I do believe that these is an end. But I cannot clearly discern when that ending will arrive.
I feel quite weary lately. I feel tired out due to the amount of energy I have already spent seeking to feel better and improve my life. I made some major changes in my life in the last two years. And yet for all the changes I have made I still am not experiencing the results I desire. There are many days when I ask myself why this is so. I sometimes believe I need to have still more patience. I sometimes believe I need to go about the process of improving my life in a different way. And other times I believe I simply have had a larger measure of misfortune than any one person should endure in a single life.
There are times when I feel a bit guilty or pathetic that I am not more grateful for what is good in my life. I am fortunate to have excellent health insurance that is allowing me to finally attend to my old psychic wounds in a thorough way. I am fortunate to have friends both near and far who care about me. I am fortunate to still enjoy a fairly functional physical body. And yet despite all these good aspects of my life I still feel so disappointed and sad lately. I want to move beyond the pain and disappointment of my early life history. It is taking more time and effort than I would prefer.
I find myself wondering when all of the trees will be green again.
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