Saturday, October 4, 2014
Of the many aspects of a life that trauma can impact it can prove quite challenging to cope with how it may affect relationships. And I believe this must be especially true when highly dysfunctional relationships are the primary cause of a person's experience of trauma. A weak foundation of critical life skills can prove an immense challenge to address later in life.
In the last several years of my professional history I have gradually made a turn towards doing work that incorporates the cultivation and nurturing of relationships. I have often done this through doing outreach on behalf of an organization to a local community it serves. As I have developed and utilized this skill more and more I have come to discover I genuinely enjoy doing it. Like anyone I have my limitations in doing such work. Because I am most certainly not a highly extroverted person I inevitably reach the limit of my energy to be 'outgoing' and chatty. I don't really consider myself strongly introverted or strongly extroverted. I see myself as someone who has a capacity to embody both ways of being.
I recently discovered an inspiring blog that contains a number of posts that provide 'practical tips for productive living'. Today I will share the contents of one particular article and make my own observations throughout. The piece I am cross-referencing (found here) is entitled "20 Things To Start Doing In Your Relationships" and was written by Marc Chernoff. The original content of Chernoff's article appears below and is quoted word for word. My comments appear embedded within in italic font. Links posted throughout the original posting have been maintained for the sake of retaining connections to other valuable resources.
1) Free yourself from negative people. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live. Read Stumbling on Happiness
.
This tip is so very important. And yet sometimes following just this one tip is difficult. In scenarios like my own it sometimes proves to be a healthy choice to walk away from your family of origin. What I have done in the last fifteen months has not been at all easy. But by walking away from relationships in which I rarely felt fully seen and heard I created a space in my own life for better relationships to appear. And this has begun to happen.
When we encounter people ensnared in negativity it is my opinion that there is a very real possibility that trauma may be the core reason for an unhealthy attitude as expressed in relations with others. When we encounter such people finding a place of compassion within our own hearts can prove vital.
2) Let go of those who are already gone. – The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.
The ability to let go is also an important skill. Toughing it out through the rough patches of life can be grueling. And this can be especially so when our existing network of friends and family is a bit frayed or thin.
In letting go of my hope that my father would ever be more than the man he has long been I had to deeply let go. Expectations and experiences we have of and with our parents can be especially challenging to navigate, modify or let go of. In my own experience it became vital to find other ways to supplement the healthy fathering I did not consistently receive from my own biological father.
3) Give people you don’t know a fair chance. – When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
This tip is perhaps one of the most difficult to follow. Why? Because it can become easy to armor ourselves against past hurt by weeding out or avoiding people who remind us of those from our pasts whom we associate with pain and disappointment. As a gay man I have seen this in the gay community. People can become easily jaded due to past relationships that did not ultimately prove to fulfill their dreams...or even their most basic needs.
To be ready to 'meet someone that just might change your life forever' requires a certain openness of heart that will likely be difficult to maintain if old wounds and hurt still trouble you. This tip speaks to the need to simultaneously learn how to let go.
4) Show everyone kindness and respect. – Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother. People will notice your kindness.
This is another vital tip. My experience of not being treated with basic kindness and respect partially explains the cataclysm of the Summer of 2013 in which my old life imploded. I finally had come to a decision to no longer allow people in my life who do not follow this basic maxim. Following the Golden Rule of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an important, foundational rule for healthy relationships.
5) Accept people just the way they are. – In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try. So save yourself from needless stress. Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.
Wasting time in an attempt to change people is indeed a waste of time. I have come to believe the only thing we can truly change in the world is ourselves...because it's the only part of the world we have any real control over.
6) Encourage others and cheer for them. – Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
This one can be difficult to follow when you are going through hardship yourself. We all want to be happy. And when our suffering goes unnoticed and unacknowledged by others we may come to feel alienated and unappreciated. And yet no person is an island or power unto himself. What happens to others ultimately affects us...even if we cannot easily perceive this as being true. Support others in their own happiness and ultimately you will find your own happiness.
7) Be your imperfectly perfect self. – In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress. Be your imperfectly perfect self around them. We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are. And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.
Put simply: Give up on perfectionism. I agree that we ought to gravitate towards those who naturally evoke the best in us. Go where the support, laughter and love is. Anything less is beneath what is our birthright to enjoy.
8) Forgive people and move forward. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.
This could be the most difficult one in the twenty tips profiled in this article. Forgiving those we feel have failed us (or worse intentionally harmed us, etc) can be an immense project. When we have experienced real and deep trauma due to the actions or inactions of others reaching a place where forgiveness grows in our hearts can feel like an impossible luxury.
In my own journey I have tried to separate out my own healing from the lives of those who impacted me in ways I would have preferred never to have experienced. It can sometimes also prove helpful to distinguish between the actions or inactions that occurred and the person that perpetrated them (or failed to act). Will I ever be able to forgive my father for his disrespectful and self-absorbed behavior? I do not know. What I do know is that it is wise to set achievable goals. Rather than trying to forcibly change him or convince him of how much his behavior harmed me I can get on with my own life and live it well.
I am personally inclined to make a significant distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. We can forgive a person or persons for their behavior and its impact on us. And yet that doesn't necessarily repair the damage or the relationship. Repairing and bringing that which was harmed back to health is something I believe falls within the realm of reconciliation.
9) Do little things every day for others. – Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.
This is another excellent tip. Decide who you want to be and what kind of friends you want to have. Once you have made that choice go out into the world and find such people to play with.
10) Pay attention to who your real friends are. – As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.
I have learned (sometimes the hard way) how important it is to discern this. Are your friends the type of people who stick with you through the darkness and the light? Or do they vanish without a trace during the challenging times in your life? And what about you? How do you respond to hardship and suffering?
11) Always be loyal. – True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything.
I have tended to take a similar view of loyalty as does Marc Chernoff. I pride myself on my loyalty to my friends. This tenet of relationships is very much connected to the one immediately above. In my own mind true friends are loyal friends. They accept you as you are and love you for who you are.
12) Stay in better touch with people who matter to you. – In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart. So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words. Stay in touch with those who matter to you. Not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. Paying attention to these people is a priority.
I agree that lack of concern can hurt more than angry words. The attitude of my family of origin during my virtual free fall into a state of misery and desolation sixteen months ago is what prompted me to finally, and deeply, re-evaluate my relationship with them. Who makes you a priority in their lives?
13) Keep your promises and tell the truth. – If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE. It’s always better to tell people the truth up front. Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies. Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt. Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts. Never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. Always be open and honest.
This tip encapsulates why I walked away from my paternal family of origin. I became fed up with how much my capacity to trust had been damaged by past deceit and by how non-challant my family was about my father's dysfunctional behavior. Can you call a person a friend who stands by and idly watches while a mutual friend lies, disrespects or otherwise mistreats you?
Lies and deceit can cause such immense damage. And I believe it can be very narcissistic when people do not think through their own actions and the possible full range of consequences prior to choosing a course of action.
14) Give what you want to receive. – Don’t expect what you are not willing to give. Start practicing the golden rule. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It works. It really is this simple. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
.
'Just' practicing the Golden Rule alone will bring so much more quality to your life. I firmly believe this to be true. You cannot receive what you cannot give. If you want love you must be willing to give love. If you want to have friends then you must cultivate the personal qualities necessary to attract that into your life.
15) Say what you mean and mean what you say. – Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationships, start with bad communication.
In other words I will emphasize what is already written: Do not expect people to be mind-readers. If you want your needs to be fulfilled you first must know what they are and then communicate them to those you wish to be in relationship with.
16) Allow others to make their own decisions. – Do not judge others by your own past. They are living a different life than you are. What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better. Allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.
I agree we must allow people to make their own choices. From the perspective of trauma healing I would add the following exception to the above generalization. When a parent has a consistent history of making questionable decisions I firmly believe it is an ethical and responsible decision to bring such a history to the awareness of those who can intervene on a child's behalf. For people who are consenting adults of healthy mind and body I think there should be no disclaimer added to this tip. But it's a whole different matter entirely when people make decisions on behalf of others (such as minors, those deemed 'vulnerable adults' and the like) and those they impact have no free will or real ability to make decisions about their lives for themselves.
17) Talk a little less, and listen more. – Less advice is often the best advice. People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement. What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them. They just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.
Part of my wounding as a child was due to the failure of those close to me to pay me more attention to me. In short, I was left alone too often and I wasn't listened to enough. It is clear to me that this is true because experiences now, decades later, that imitate these unfortunates realities of my childhood have a way of provoking the old pain inside me that I first felt long ago.
18) Leave petty arguments alone. – Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. There are many roads to what’s right. And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much. Read How To Win Friends and Influence People
.
One of my influential mentors from years ago stated the wisdom in this tip quite concisely: 'Stop having to be right!' People deeply ensconced in their egos who are determined to protect what they perceive is their power, their prestige, their career and so on may engage in ego battles which feature much petty argumentation.
As an aside I will say this: Petty argumentation is one primary reason I do not follow American mainstream news media. In this day and age it is filled with opinion and people who believe talking over and at one another someone means they have 'won' the argument at hand.
19) Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary. – No one has the right to judge you. They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What most people think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
I would add a 19B to this. Not only does no person have the right to judge you but no person has the right to tell you how you should feel. If I find myself in a conversation with someone in which he begins telling you how I 'should' feel I will almost immediately see a red flag in my own mind. Nobody has the right to tell you what you should feel...about anything.
If we truly follow this tip I think that would also mean we have to ignore much of American media which I referenced above!
20) Pay attention to your relationship with yourself. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?
This twentieth and last tip is perhaps the most important. When we lose sight of our own needs and desires and start living a life befitting of someone else we essentially begin to cease to exist as a separate and authentic person.
If we constantly ignore our own pain and behave like martyrs in which we always place the needs of others first we are inevitably creating a perfect recipe for misery, burnout and resentment. It may take months or even years for such dark feelings to become so prevalent that we clearly see something has gone wrong. I think it is often true that many of the problems we create for ourselves often begin with the seemingly innocent act of not paying attention to our relationship with ourselves. So always take time, on a consistent basis, to pay attention to your own needs and desires.
You are the creator of your destiny. At the end of your life you will be personally accountable for how you chose to live your life.
Post Script
Fifty Day Challenge, Day #9
Healthy activities from today:
Of the many aspects of a life that trauma can impact it can prove quite challenging to cope with how it may affect relationships. And I believe this must be especially true when highly dysfunctional relationships are the primary cause of a person's experience of trauma. A weak foundation of critical life skills can prove an immense challenge to address later in life.
In the last several years of my professional history I have gradually made a turn towards doing work that incorporates the cultivation and nurturing of relationships. I have often done this through doing outreach on behalf of an organization to a local community it serves. As I have developed and utilized this skill more and more I have come to discover I genuinely enjoy doing it. Like anyone I have my limitations in doing such work. Because I am most certainly not a highly extroverted person I inevitably reach the limit of my energy to be 'outgoing' and chatty. I don't really consider myself strongly introverted or strongly extroverted. I see myself as someone who has a capacity to embody both ways of being.
I recently discovered an inspiring blog that contains a number of posts that provide 'practical tips for productive living'. Today I will share the contents of one particular article and make my own observations throughout. The piece I am cross-referencing (found here) is entitled "20 Things To Start Doing In Your Relationships" and was written by Marc Chernoff. The original content of Chernoff's article appears below and is quoted word for word. My comments appear embedded within in italic font. Links posted throughout the original posting have been maintained for the sake of retaining connections to other valuable resources.
1) Free yourself from negative people. – Spend time with nice people who are smart, driven and likeminded. Relationships should help you, not hurt you. Surround yourself with people who reflect the person you want to be. Choose friends who you are proud to know, people you admire, who love and respect you – people who make your day a little brighter simply by being in it. Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. When you free yourself from negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the only way to truly live. Read Stumbling on Happiness
.This tip is so very important. And yet sometimes following just this one tip is difficult. In scenarios like my own it sometimes proves to be a healthy choice to walk away from your family of origin. What I have done in the last fifteen months has not been at all easy. But by walking away from relationships in which I rarely felt fully seen and heard I created a space in my own life for better relationships to appear. And this has begun to happen.
When we encounter people ensnared in negativity it is my opinion that there is a very real possibility that trauma may be the core reason for an unhealthy attitude as expressed in relations with others. When we encounter such people finding a place of compassion within our own hearts can prove vital.
2) Let go of those who are already gone. – The sad truth is that there are some people who will only be there for you as long as you have something they need. When you no longer serve a purpose to them, they will leave. The good news is, if you tough it out, you’ll eventually weed these people out of your life and be left with some great people you can count on. We rarely lose friends and lovers, we just gradually figure out who our real ones are. So when people walk away from you, let them go. Your destiny is never tied to anyone who leaves you. It doesn’t mean they are bad people; it just means that their part in your story is over.
The ability to let go is also an important skill. Toughing it out through the rough patches of life can be grueling. And this can be especially so when our existing network of friends and family is a bit frayed or thin.
In letting go of my hope that my father would ever be more than the man he has long been I had to deeply let go. Expectations and experiences we have of and with our parents can be especially challenging to navigate, modify or let go of. In my own experience it became vital to find other ways to supplement the healthy fathering I did not consistently receive from my own biological father.
3) Give people you don’t know a fair chance. – When you look at a person, any person, remember that everyone has a story. Everyone has gone through something that has changed them, and forced them to grow. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours. We meet no ordinary people in our lives. If you give them a chance, everyone has something amazing to offer. So appreciate the possibility of new relationships as you naturally let go of old ones that no longer work. Trust your judgment. Embrace new relationships, knowing that you are entering into unfamiliar territory. Be ready to learn, be ready for a challenge, and be ready to meet someone that might just change your life forever.
This tip is perhaps one of the most difficult to follow. Why? Because it can become easy to armor ourselves against past hurt by weeding out or avoiding people who remind us of those from our pasts whom we associate with pain and disappointment. As a gay man I have seen this in the gay community. People can become easily jaded due to past relationships that did not ultimately prove to fulfill their dreams...or even their most basic needs.
To be ready to 'meet someone that just might change your life forever' requires a certain openness of heart that will likely be difficult to maintain if old wounds and hurt still trouble you. This tip speaks to the need to simultaneously learn how to let go.
4) Show everyone kindness and respect. – Treat everyone with kindness and respect, even those who are rude to you – not because they are nice, but because you are. There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother. People will notice your kindness.
This is another vital tip. My experience of not being treated with basic kindness and respect partially explains the cataclysm of the Summer of 2013 in which my old life imploded. I finally had come to a decision to no longer allow people in my life who do not follow this basic maxim. Following the Golden Rule of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is an important, foundational rule for healthy relationships.
5) Accept people just the way they are. – In most cases it’s impossible to change them anyway, and it’s rude to try. So save yourself from needless stress. Instead of trying to change others, give them your support and lead by example.
Wasting time in an attempt to change people is indeed a waste of time. I have come to believe the only thing we can truly change in the world is ourselves...because it's the only part of the world we have any real control over.
6) Encourage others and cheer for them. – Having an appreciation for how amazing the people around you are leads to good places – productive, fulfilling, peaceful places. So be happy for those who are making progress. Cheer for their victories. Be thankful for their blessings, openly. What goes around comes around, and sooner or later the people you’re cheering for will start cheering for you.
This one can be difficult to follow when you are going through hardship yourself. We all want to be happy. And when our suffering goes unnoticed and unacknowledged by others we may come to feel alienated and unappreciated. And yet no person is an island or power unto himself. What happens to others ultimately affects us...even if we cannot easily perceive this as being true. Support others in their own happiness and ultimately you will find your own happiness.
7) Be your imperfectly perfect self. – In this crazy world that’s trying to make you like everyone else, find the courage to keep being your awesome self. And when they laugh at you for being different, laugh back at them for being the same. Spend more time with those who make you smile and less time with those who you feel pressured to impress. Be your imperfectly perfect self around them. We are not perfect for everyone, we are only perfect for those select few people that really take the time to get to know us and love us for who we really are. And to those select few, being our imperfectly perfect self is what they love about us.
Put simply: Give up on perfectionism. I agree that we ought to gravitate towards those who naturally evoke the best in us. Go where the support, laughter and love is. Anything less is beneath what is our birthright to enjoy.
8) Forgive people and move forward. – Don’t live your life with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.” Forgiveness is the remedy. It doesn’t mean you’re erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you’re letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. Remember, the less time you spend hating the people who hurt you, the more time you’ll have to love the people who love you.
This could be the most difficult one in the twenty tips profiled in this article. Forgiving those we feel have failed us (or worse intentionally harmed us, etc) can be an immense project. When we have experienced real and deep trauma due to the actions or inactions of others reaching a place where forgiveness grows in our hearts can feel like an impossible luxury.
In my own journey I have tried to separate out my own healing from the lives of those who impacted me in ways I would have preferred never to have experienced. It can sometimes also prove helpful to distinguish between the actions or inactions that occurred and the person that perpetrated them (or failed to act). Will I ever be able to forgive my father for his disrespectful and self-absorbed behavior? I do not know. What I do know is that it is wise to set achievable goals. Rather than trying to forcibly change him or convince him of how much his behavior harmed me I can get on with my own life and live it well.
I am personally inclined to make a significant distinction between forgiveness and reconciliation. We can forgive a person or persons for their behavior and its impact on us. And yet that doesn't necessarily repair the damage or the relationship. Repairing and bringing that which was harmed back to health is something I believe falls within the realm of reconciliation.
9) Do little things every day for others. – Sometimes those little things occupy the biggest part of their hearts. You can’t be everything to everyone, but you can be everything to a few people. Decide who these people are in your life and treat them like royalty.
This is another excellent tip. Decide who you want to be and what kind of friends you want to have. Once you have made that choice go out into the world and find such people to play with.
10) Pay attention to who your real friends are. – As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones. Remember, life is kind of like a party. You invite a lot of people, some leave early, some stay all night, some laugh with you, some laugh at you, and some show up really late. But in the end, after the fun, there are a few who stay to help you clean up the mess. And most of the time, they aren’t even the ones who made the mess. These people are your real friends in life. They are the ones who matter most.
I have learned (sometimes the hard way) how important it is to discern this. Are your friends the type of people who stick with you through the darkness and the light? Or do they vanish without a trace during the challenging times in your life? And what about you? How do you respond to hardship and suffering?
11) Always be loyal. – True love and real friendship aren’t about being inseparable. These relationships are about two people being true to each other even when they are separated. When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority. Loyalty is everything.
I have tended to take a similar view of loyalty as does Marc Chernoff. I pride myself on my loyalty to my friends. This tenet of relationships is very much connected to the one immediately above. In my own mind true friends are loyal friends. They accept you as you are and love you for who you are.
12) Stay in better touch with people who matter to you. – In human relationships distance is not measured in miles, but in affection. Two people can be right next to each other, yet miles apart. So don’t ignore someone you care about, because lack of concern hurts more than angry words. Stay in touch with those who matter to you. Not because it’s convenient, but because they’re worth the extra effort. Remember, you don’t need a certain number of friends, just a number of friends you can be certain of. Paying attention to these people is a priority.
I agree that lack of concern can hurt more than angry words. The attitude of my family of origin during my virtual free fall into a state of misery and desolation sixteen months ago is what prompted me to finally, and deeply, re-evaluate my relationship with them. Who makes you a priority in their lives?
13) Keep your promises and tell the truth. – If you say you’re going to do something, DO IT! If you say you’re going to be somewhere, BE THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you can’t, won’t, and don’t, then DON’T LIE. It’s always better to tell people the truth up front. Don’t play games with people’s heads and hearts. Don’t tell half-truths and expect people to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths are no better than lies. Remember, love and friendship don’t hurt. Lying, cheating and screwing with people’s feelings and emotions hurts. Never mess with someone’s feelings just because you’re unsure of yours. Always be open and honest.
This tip encapsulates why I walked away from my paternal family of origin. I became fed up with how much my capacity to trust had been damaged by past deceit and by how non-challant my family was about my father's dysfunctional behavior. Can you call a person a friend who stands by and idly watches while a mutual friend lies, disrespects or otherwise mistreats you?
Lies and deceit can cause such immense damage. And I believe it can be very narcissistic when people do not think through their own actions and the possible full range of consequences prior to choosing a course of action.
14) Give what you want to receive. – Don’t expect what you are not willing to give. Start practicing the golden rule. If you want love, give love. If you want friends, be friendly. If you want money, provide value. It works. It really is this simple. Read The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
.'Just' practicing the Golden Rule alone will bring so much more quality to your life. I firmly believe this to be true. You cannot receive what you cannot give. If you want love you must be willing to give love. If you want to have friends then you must cultivate the personal qualities necessary to attract that into your life.
15) Say what you mean and mean what you say. – Give the people in your life the information they need, rather than expecting them to know the unknowable. Information is the grease that keeps the engine of communication functioning. Start communicating clearly. Don’t try to read other people’s minds, and don’t make other people try to read yours. Most problems, big and small, within a family, friendship, or business relationships, start with bad communication.
In other words I will emphasize what is already written: Do not expect people to be mind-readers. If you want your needs to be fulfilled you first must know what they are and then communicate them to those you wish to be in relationship with.
16) Allow others to make their own decisions. – Do not judge others by your own past. They are living a different life than you are. What might be good for one person may not be good for another. What might be bad for one person might change another person’s life for the better. Allow people to make their own mistakes and their own decisions.
I agree we must allow people to make their own choices. From the perspective of trauma healing I would add the following exception to the above generalization. When a parent has a consistent history of making questionable decisions I firmly believe it is an ethical and responsible decision to bring such a history to the awareness of those who can intervene on a child's behalf. For people who are consenting adults of healthy mind and body I think there should be no disclaimer added to this tip. But it's a whole different matter entirely when people make decisions on behalf of others (such as minors, those deemed 'vulnerable adults' and the like) and those they impact have no free will or real ability to make decisions about their lives for themselves.
17) Talk a little less, and listen more. – Less advice is often the best advice. People don’t need lots of advice, they need a listening ear and some positive reinforcement. What they want to know is often already somewhere inside of them. They just need time to think, be and breathe, and continue to explore the undirected journeys that will eventually help them find their direction.
Part of my wounding as a child was due to the failure of those close to me to pay me more attention to me. In short, I was left alone too often and I wasn't listened to enough. It is clear to me that this is true because experiences now, decades later, that imitate these unfortunates realities of my childhood have a way of provoking the old pain inside me that I first felt long ago.
18) Leave petty arguments alone. – Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right. There are many roads to what’s right. And most of the time it just doesn’t matter that much. Read How To Win Friends and Influence People
.One of my influential mentors from years ago stated the wisdom in this tip quite concisely: 'Stop having to be right!' People deeply ensconced in their egos who are determined to protect what they perceive is their power, their prestige, their career and so on may engage in ego battles which feature much petty argumentation.
As an aside I will say this: Petty argumentation is one primary reason I do not follow American mainstream news media. In this day and age it is filled with opinion and people who believe talking over and at one another someone means they have 'won' the argument at hand.
19) Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary. – No one has the right to judge you. They might have heard your stories, but they didn’t feel what you were going through. No matter what you do, there will always be someone who thinks differently. So concentrate on doing what you know in your heart is right. What most people think and say about you isn’t all that important. What is important is how you feel about yourself.
I would add a 19B to this. Not only does no person have the right to judge you but no person has the right to tell you how you should feel. If I find myself in a conversation with someone in which he begins telling you how I 'should' feel I will almost immediately see a red flag in my own mind. Nobody has the right to tell you what you should feel...about anything.
If we truly follow this tip I think that would also mean we have to ignore much of American media which I referenced above!
20) Pay attention to your relationship with yourself. – One of the most painful things in life is losing yourself in the process of loving others too much, and forgetting that you are special too. When was the last time someone told you that they loved you just the way you are, and that what you think and how you feel matters? When was the last time someone told you that you did a good job, or took you someplace, simply because they know you feel happy when you’re there? When was the last time that ‘someone’ was YOU?
This twentieth and last tip is perhaps the most important. When we lose sight of our own needs and desires and start living a life befitting of someone else we essentially begin to cease to exist as a separate and authentic person.
If we constantly ignore our own pain and behave like martyrs in which we always place the needs of others first we are inevitably creating a perfect recipe for misery, burnout and resentment. It may take months or even years for such dark feelings to become so prevalent that we clearly see something has gone wrong. I think it is often true that many of the problems we create for ourselves often begin with the seemingly innocent act of not paying attention to our relationship with ourselves. So always take time, on a consistent basis, to pay attention to your own needs and desires.
You are the creator of your destiny. At the end of your life you will be personally accountable for how you chose to live your life.
Post Script
Fifty Day Challenge, Day #9
Healthy activities from today:
- I went to an art show and met some new people
- I took a hard-core cat nap when I felt tired early this afternoon
- I wrote my daily blog entry focused on healthy relationships
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I invite you to accompany me as I document my own journey of healing. My blog is designed to offer inspiration and solace to others. If you find it of value I welcome you to share it with others. Aloha!